I’m 31F and my mom (Brenda, 55F) and I are honestly pretty close. But there’s this one thing she does that’s been getting under my skin for years. Basically, if I tell her anything about my life, she’ll go and talk about it with the whole extended family. Like… everyone. Aunts, uncles, cousins, even random relatives I barely know or haven’t seen in forever. Nothing’s too small—she’ll mention stuff about who I’m seeing, stuff with my job, health stuff, money stuff… just everything.
I’ve told her to stop doing that so many times. Like I’ll say “hey, I don’t want anyone else knowing about this,” and she’ll nod like she gets it—but then later I hear she’s been talking. And when I call her out, she always says something like, “Oh, come on, it’s just family!” or “I wasn’t gossiping, I was just chatting.” Like??? That doesn’t really make it better.
Anyway, not long ago I had this minor medical thing done—nothing serious, but definitely personal. I told her ahead of time, super clearly, that I didn’t want anyone else knowing. Just wanted to keep it to myself.
Then like three days later, I start getting these “how are you feeling??” texts from a bunch of my aunts. And yep—turns out my mom told them. Again.
I was honestly so frustrated. I called her and told her straight up that I felt like she didn’t respect my privacy, and that I was hurt she went and told people again after I asked her not to. I told her I need her to stop sharing my life like that—it’s not just casual chatting when it’s stuff I asked her to keep private.
She got really upset. Said I was attacking her, said I was overreacting and being cold, and now she won’t talk to me. My dad says I should’ve handled it “more gently” and that I made her feel bad. So now I’m sitting here wondering if I went too far.
Was I the asshole for putting my foot down?
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I’m 31F and my mom (Brenda, 55F) and I are honestly pretty close. But there’s this one thing she does that’s been getting under my skin for years. Basically, if I tell her anything about my life, she’ll go and talk about it with the whole extended family. Like… everyone. Aunts, uncles, cousins, even random relatives I barely know or haven’t seen in forever. Nothing’s too small—she’ll mention stuff about who I’m seeing, stuff with my job, health stuff, money stuff… just everything.
I’ve told her to stop doing that so many times. Like I’ll say “hey, I don’t want anyone else knowing about this,” and she’ll nod like she gets it—but then later I hear she’s been talking. And when I call her out, she always says something like, “Oh, come on, it’s just family!” or “I wasn’t gossiping, I was just chatting.” Like??? That doesn’t really make it better.
Anyway, not long ago I had this minor medical thing done—nothing serious, but definitely personal. I told her ahead of time, super clearly, that I didn’t want anyone else knowing. Just wanted to keep it to myself.
Then like three days later, I start getting these “how are you feeling??” texts from a bunch of my aunts. And yep—turns out my mom told them. Again.
I was honestly so frustrated. I called her and told her straight up that I felt like she didn’t respect my privacy, and that I was hurt she went and told people again after I asked her not to. I told her I need her to stop sharing my life like that—it’s not just casual chatting when it’s stuff I asked her to keep private.
She got really upset. Said I was attacking her, said I was overreacting and being cold, and now she won’t talk to me. My dad says I should’ve handled it “more gently” and that I made her feel bad. So now I’m sitting here wondering if I went too far.
Was I the asshole for putting my foot down?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my mom not to share certain personal details about my life with extended family, but after repeatedly telling her to stop, she still shared private info about my medical situation. I confronted her firmly, which upset her and caused a fight. I’m wondering if I was too harsh or if I handled it wrong, making her feel attacked instead of understood. Maybe I could have been gentler or more patient, so I’m open to the possibility that my approach contributed to the conflict. But I also feel my privacy wasn’t respected.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You are NTA.
Recently, someone else on AITA posted with a very similar question. I’ll repeat here what I said to them:
OP, I have a close family member who is now over 80, and has been like that for their entire life.
Everything I tell them, they tell everyone.
I know they’re still doing this because often they will tell ME deeply personal and potentially embarrassing things about other people.
Me, on the phone: “You shouldn’t be telling me this about Cousin Cheryl. I’m very sure this is something she would want kept private until she’s ready to talk about it – and that may be never.”
Them: “Oh, stop worrying. I know you won’t tell anyone. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. And THEN Cheryl did blah blah blah…”
Me: “Stop. Stop talking about this. If you don’t stop, I’m going to hang up.”
I have tried and tried and TRIED to get them to keep some things about me private. Nothing has worked. They will never stop.
There is only one way to deal with a person like that. Never tell them anything you don’t want the whole town to know.
I’m pretty sure it has dawned on them that I’m no longer sharing quite a lot of information with them. I’m guessing they’re hurt by it. I can’t help that. It’s a necessary self-preservation measure.
NTA….Tell your father that you already HAVE handled it more gently and she didn’t take the hint. She SHOULD feel bad, because she’s being disrespectful. Let her stop talking to you, but she can only begin talking to you again when she respects your privacy.
You told her repeatedly that you didn’t want what you shared with her to be shared with everyone else. She ignored that or made bullshit excuses to justify herself. It doesn’t matter how gentle your dad thinks you should have been your mother is never going to stop sharing and is always going to find a way to make herself the victim.
Stop sharing with her unless you’re willing for the entire family to know minutes later.
NTA
NTA but a bit silly to be still sharing things like this with your mum at this age, when you are aware she can’t control herself.
You need to be polite going forward but absent with any personal details, and frankly not answering any questions she asks. Important to be polite about it, ‘ ah I don’t feel like sharing that/ oh nothing much how has it been for you? I’d rather not say but we can talk about you if you’d like?’
If she asks why or pushes a question, say ‘it’s personal mum and I don’t feel comfortable sharing unfortunately, please don’t ask again’ then ask her a question or pick an alternative topic.
Don’t go into details why you won’t talk, don’t make it an argument, just stop, be polite and cut off the flow. Worst thing you can do it break open the argument again trying to get your point across. ‘win’ the argument, or make her feel bad, she needs to reflect after an absence of sharing from you and a distance on your relationship.
After the first a few times of you telling your mother something and her telling other people you didn’t want her to tell. Why are you keep telling her things. You know she’s not going to honor your boundary and yet you still tell her your secrets. If you need someone to talk to find someone else. Apparently your mother can’t be trusted to keep your personal information personal. You know this and you keep telling her things.
NTA
But as the truth is, as soon as you tell anyone it is no longer a secret. So you need to stop telling your mom things. You don’t want everyone else to know. At this point. It’s on you because you know how she is and apparently she’s not going to change.
NTA
It seems like you have warned her many times that she shouldn’t share about your personal life, and she isn’t respecting that. I think you said what you needed to and that you are very justified.
NTA but there is a simple solution. Stop telling her stuff. Set a boundary. I won’t tell you anything else because you refuse to keep it to yourself.
She’s not talking to you? Sounds like she did you a favor, now you don’t have to worry about her ignoring your requests and sharing your life with anyone who stops to talk with her. It’s not unreasonable to think you can trust your parent, but it is unreasonable to be guilt-tripped and made to feel like a villain when that parent breaks your trust. NTA but she is, and so is your dad for enabling it.
NTA. put her on a infos diet, don’t tell her anything and let her cry about it
Went through this with my Dad. From having a lump in my breast where I told NOONE expect my parents and sister to having a blocked toilet in our new house. He shared every freaking thing with everyone!!! He’s now knows nothing. Seriously, I still chat to him about his life and very general stuff but I give him no other information. Try it. You’ll be happier.
NTA. It’s not her story to tell. My oldest is very much like this what’s even funnier, the ages for you and my oldest and your mom and me are almost identical. Our oldest is like this I’ve told something before to my spouse (her step dad married 30 years) her dad is long deceased unfortunately and she’s gotten very angry so I keep my mouth shut.
Do we have the same Mom? I’m 31F too; mine does the exact same thing. And when I tell her to stop she gets defensive and attacks me. “What? I can’t tell people what my own daughter is doing?!”
She can tell people the bigger points in your life, but not the smaller things/details you’ve made abundantly clear you don’t want shared. You’ve every right to feel this way. You’re an adult. If she was married or already had kids by your age, ask her how she’d feel if she were still treated like a child with no autonomy over sharing her personal life. In the meantime, just be more intentional about what you share with her
NTA
NTA This sounds like a mother who has mental problems herself. No matter how hard you want them to change, chances are that this never happens. The only thing you can try is to say to her that if she doesn’t stop this behavior, you will not tell any personal things from now on.
The Silent Treatment is very unfair, it places herself in a victim role. This shows little self -insight and egocentric behavior. Don’t be fooled, you acted well. This problem lies with your mother, leaves it there too. Take care
No. My mom had a steel trap for a mouth, and this makes me appreciate her so much more for it. Confidentiality from a mother is vital.
NTA- You should stop sharing information with her unless it’s something you want everyone to know.
NTA You absolutely were not the TA. Your mother was completely out of line and instead of sincerely apologizing, as she should have, she resorted to tears and hurt feelings to manipulate you (and it sounds like she did it to your dad too). Simply do not tell her any personal information anymore. If she asks why, be honest.
ESH. You knew she was going to do this, she has never kept anything to herself, so why did you think it was going to happen this time??
STOP TELLING HER STUFF!!! It’s the ONLY way your news is not going to be spread through the family.
You told her multiple times before. You set a boundary and she broke it time after time, and when you actually asserted yourself she began victimizing herself.
NTA
NTA. I’m afraid you have to put her on an information diet OP. It doesn’t sound like she has any intention of changing.
You did handle it gently! You told her several times and then she goes and tells the entire family something personal. You’re not the AH. Now I wasn’t there, but you definitely tried before and being gentle failed.
ESH, why do you keep telling her anything that you dont want out? After so many times, I feel like you should know this by now. This problem has a very easy solution but you keep telling her.
Maybe she should handle your private business, which she has been explicitly told not to share, more gently. If she feels bad, then good, she should at this point.
NTA
I can’t tell my mom or sister anything private. If I tell one of them something, the other one knows it a minute after I leave.
INFO: Have you ever considered not telling your mother everything? Do you live with her? She’s proven over and over that she considers every bit of minutiae you share with her to be shared with the family. At some point you have to realize you’re the only one who can stop this.
Nta – you’re entitled to privacy. She is a gossip and disregarding your flings and boundaries. However your boundaries are yours to uphold. If you know she’s not going to respect you, it’s on you to proceed accordingly at this point
YTA. You know and have known for years she’s a gossip. You admit she’s been doing this regardless of how often you’ve told her to stop but you keep telling her all your private information and expect things to change? At this point the only one to blame is yourself for feeding a known gossip.
nah you’re not the asshole. she’s treating your life like a family group chat update when you specifically asked her not to. you didn’t overreact she just doesn’t like being called out. boundaries aren’t attacks.
NTA. You specifically asked for it to not be shared, and she shared it. While I understand her saying, “it is just family” the fact of the matter is, you didn’t want it shared. She must not have anything interesting to talk about besides you.
Unpopular opinion: You’re both TA. Her for violating your boundary and you for making us read about a situation that didn’t need to happen.
NTA. But I’d stop sharing things with her that you don’t want others to know.
NTA
And, she’s shown that she’s not capable of keeping confidences. I’m guessing the silent treatment is a function of her own shame; she has some need this fulfills. Once this passes, likely she cannot be trusted with this information anymore. Maybe she’d go to therapy?? Or engage with you on what happens for her rather than attack you for asking for the confidence.
Just stop telling her anything you don’t want shared.
NTA
NTA
I have finally come to believe that some people simply have no ability to remember when something is confidential. They may agree to keep the information secret at the time you tell them, and later on they simply forget that this information was not to be shared. I learned this through hard experience, you have to put such people on a restricted information diet.
Soft YTA for continuing to tell her things, knowing she can’t keep anything to herself. Stop sharing with her!
Your mom is definitely TA though.
NTA – but you know she’s going to tell everyone everything you tell her. The way to combat this is to stop telling her anything you don’t want on broadcast. Maybe not knowing your information and being told that she’s not going to know what’s going on with you until she is willing to respect your wishes about privacy will be motivation enough.
She should feel bad. She’s sharing your personal information to such a degree that it makes you uncomfortable, and she thinks you should just get over it.
Look, at some point you need to realise that some of it is on you for continuing to tell her stuff. You know what she’s like, you know she doesn’t respect your privacy or boundaries so stop telling her. Put her on an info diet and tell her if she wants to be privy to what you’re up to then she needs to earn your trust back. But you can’t be all shocked pikachu face when she does the same thing she always does, unless this is the only time you’ve ever asked her not to share. You’re NTA here but it was a silly move to tell a known gossip your secret,
STOP telling your momma your business that you don’t want other people to know. You know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. You know your momma can’t hold water in a bucket with a handle but you keep running to her hoping this time she’d be able to hold water. Guess what she CANT! you the ah to yourself for not stopping years ago.
ESH
If she has been doing this for years, why do you keep telling her things that you don’t want repeated?
Your mother is certainly wrong to tell people things you’ve asked her to keep private. But you seem to know full well that she is going to do so, so you are bringing this on yourself when you tell her stuff.
Stop telling her things you don’t want anyone else to know.
NTA. Mom hasn’t respected your “no” so this is the unfortunate consequence of her actions.
Why do you keep telling her things?? It’s clear that she can’t keep secrets even if she tried. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It’s that simple.
Sorry Honey but you have to stop sharing with your mother. I know it’s natural to share but if you don’t want to be in the neighborhood gossip you can’t tell the primary gossiper. Shut her off to your personal life. Then it won’t go anywhere and when she brings it up tell her you are ensuring that the information stays private since she cannot hold her tongue. Tell her you love her but your personal life is off limits
Why do you continue to tell her personal things if she routinely blabs about them to everyone? I’d just tell her that you can’t share things with her anymore since she can’t keep matters private.
And the only person to blame for any distance caused between you two is her. Don’t let her manipulate you. There is no “gentle” with this boundary stomper.
NTA
Your mom is TA.
However, you also have same problem as your mom. When you know she doesn’t listen to you or care about your privacy and tells everyone your details; why do you go and tell her everything about you?
She is not going to change and she is not your best friend, so keep your private things secret and don’t share.
Nta.
You need to be consistent. If you give someone a “don’t do that again & do nothing” when they do it again, they learn nothing & are shocked when you’re mad at them. Follow through when they cross the boundary. Mom, if you tell anyone what I’m about to tell you, I will not share anything with you next time. Then, if she does it, you simply treat her like a person you just met for a while until you feel she’s learned. Then you try it again. Mom, remember last time I shared a private talk with you & you shared it & I kept you at arms length. Well, we are trying it again. This time, if you share it, I will not trust you for a much longer time than before & you will miss out on what’s happening in my life. Try it again, but there must be a final nope. I will no longer share intimate information with you as I can’t trust you & do not give in.
My mom gets together with 20 other small town moms for a potluck every 2 weeks, going on 30 years.
She gets after me for not telling her things going on in my life, but if I tell her anything embarrassing, 2 weeks later at least 80+ people know because she’ll tell the 20 other gossip moms everything.
I’ve talked with her before but she’ll day stuff like “of xourae I’ll talk about my kids” to which I’ll respond she won’t have much to talk about since she never respects my privacy.
Your mom needs to be on an information diet. Don’t tell her everything. And when she finds out after the fact and is ‘hurt’ you can remind her that you can’t trust her and it’s not your fault. Train her just like a puppy. Give her tidbits and if she doesn’t blab, reward her. If she blabs, step back again. NTA
Stop sharing with Mom.
NTA, handle it more gently and stop telling her things you dont want others knowing. When she questions why you’re not sharing as much, be honest. When she gets upset and says your punishing her, tell her you’re sorry she feels that way. You’re not punishing her. You’re just drawing a boundary because she can’t show you any amount of respect. It’s her own doing because of her own mouth.
NTA. If “now she won’t talk to” you, it seems like the problem of her oversharing has taken care of itself. As long as you and she don’t talk, she can’t learn stuff to gossip about.
When/if you reconnect, just remember than she can’t/won’t keep any secrets. So the best way to “use” this knowledge is to tell her things that you actually want to spread without the hassles of being the one to share the news. As the saying goes: “There’s three ways of sharing information within my extended family: telephone, telegraph, and tell mom.”
YTA for keeping her updated on everything in your life expecting she’d respect your boundaries when she keeps proving she values attention more than your comfort and privacy.
Stop sharing stuff with her and MAYBE she’ll realise how you feel and change, but you might want to find ssomeone else to confide in.
NTA It’s not your job to “gently handle” other adults, let alone your mother. Stop telling her things.
YTA. You are being entitled. You need to share
If someone doesn’t quite get it the first 15 or 16 times, it js perfectly reasonable to drive the nail with a little more force. It is her fault for putting her pleasure in talking above your desire for privacy. But from now on, just don’t tell her something you want to.keep private. You shouldn’t have to.keep stuff private from your own mom, but there it is.
NTA
She seems to see you as an extension of herself therefore feels entitled to share everything.
You can’t tell her anything you aren’t ok with being shared.
NTA
But stop telling her anything
Grey rock her going forward, she’s a gossip and people probably realize she’s talking about all of them, too, since she’s confiding your secrets.
Simple answer here is to put her on an information diet. If she has nothing to gossip about, she can’t gossip. (And yes, it most definitely is gossiping.)
Alternatively, tell her something really outrageous and completely untrue, so when auntie Mabel calls about it, you can tell her you made it up, told your mum, and told her not to tell anyone. So she has just confirmed that your mum’s gossiping again, thanks auntie Mabel!
Keep doing this – tell your mum outrageous stories, get her to believe them, and then tell her she’s made a fool of herself by gossiping again. Not saying she’ll ever learn, but you could get some fun from winding up her and all the rest of the gossipy relatives!
Ideas:
You could have such a lot of fun winding her up so eventually she won’t know when you’re telling the truth or winding her up, so might be put off spreading anything.
Stop telling her anything you do not want her to repeated to everyone else.
Yta for keep telling her stuff you don’t want others to know.
NTA in anyway your mum is a gossip, just don’t tell her anything anymore, explain that it’s better this way. You both can chat just not about your personal life
NTA. Just stop telling her anything.
Keep your mom and dad on an information diet. And tell dad that you did it gently by telling ner not to for the x time, so he can shut it.
Let your mom feel “bad” she is just annoyed that she got called out and that you don’t like her gossiping. Best way to dela with people like this is to tell them nothing.
NTA.
Quit telling her stuff you do not want others to know. Just apologize to her and then quit sharing your personal life.