My dad died when my mom was pregnant with me (17f). She told me about him growing up and we have little traditions we keep to honor him and she also named me the name he wanted for a daughter. I always spent time with my dad’s family in the summer and they’d travel to see me or we’d travel to see them when we could. So even though I never got to meet him I still consider him my dad, you know?
When I was 13 she introduced me to James and they got married when I was 14. To me James is my mom’s husband but I guess he sees me as his daughter and he’s been hurt for years that I call him James, that I never gave him a dad-like nickname or title. I didn’t know about it until we went on vacation last month. My mom and James met this couple and we had dinner with their family. I was talking to their two kids who were pretty close in age to me and they asked why I called him James and wasn’t he my dead and I said he’s not my dad he’s married to my mom. They asked what happened to my dad and I told him I never got to meet my dad because he died while my mom was pregnant with me. We talked about other things.
But when we got back to the resort my mom pulled me into my room and asked me why I’d say that stuff at dinner. I had to ask her what she meant because I had no idea what was going on. She said James’ face when I said he wasn’t my dad and when I told those kids I never got to meet my dad was heartbreaking. She told me he’s been waiting for me to acknowledge him as the dad in my life and I never do. I told her he’s not though. She said I might have been 13 when I met him but it shouldn’t stop me from letting him be the dad who gets to be here for everything. She said as much as she misses dad she didn’t ever want me to deny myself the chance to have one. And I told her I wasn’t denying myself anything. Mom got frustrated and left.
Then after we got back from vacation mom and James pulled me into a meeting and James told me how much he’d love to be more to me than James and how hurtful it was to be rejected as dad even to strangers who could’ve easily been led to believe that he was my dad. They said I don’t need to always say he’s not or that my dad died. I told him I was sorry that my words hurt his feelings and my mom said that wasn’t a good apology and that it didn’t sound like I was sorry I said those things. I said no, because James isn’t my dad and I never got to meet dad.
Ever since that afternoon mom’s talked to me about it 5 different times and James mopes whenever I’m around. Mom said it really is hurtful to him. AITA?
Comments
This requires an adult conversation and clearly [neither of] you are not up for it. It’s OK to feel and think the way you do, but you are being childishly dogmatic and not working on compromise.ESH
I don’t see why it’s so hard to just say he’s your step dad instead of mom’s husband unless there’s some other issue you haven’t mentioned. But ultimately you are not wrong for feeling the way you do and neither is he for feeling hurt about it.
No. NTA.
I don’t believe you owe him anything. You’ve known him for four years. If he really loves you, then he should be more patient.
I feel sad for James, but if that is how you feel than that should be respected.
Maybe you could have said it in a different way. But you are allowed to feel what you feel
NTA. you lost a parent, and that’s incredibly difficult and so is the grieving process that comes with it. it seems from what i’ve read that your mom is struggling with wanting james to be accepted as your father, and might be dealing with some guilt surrounding that on both sides (moving on and dating someone new, and the grief of losing your dad). could you have said what you did a bit kinder? sure. but it’s a tough situation and you don’t have to accept any sort of parental title that you don’t want to. hopefully they’ll be more accepting over time.
How old are you? How long has he been in your life?
NTA. At the end of the day, he is not
Your father. Period. You met him when you were 13. Old enough to know that he’s not your father. And he didn’t really play a fatherly role in your life.
He married your mom. He had no part in you. That’s a stepdad.
You are allowed to feel the way you feel. As adults… your mom is failing you.
NTA, you were 13 when you met this man. No one is entitled to your feelings. While he seems to be trying and you do not seem to have a bad relationship with him you never bonded with him in that way. You were asked a question and then answered that question honestly, if your mom has a problem with that then that is her issue.
For 13 years you and your mom both celebrated your father as your father. You’ve only known James for 4 years. Just because he’s present doesn’t automatically make him your dad. He may care for you like a dad, but if you don’t feel that he’s your dad, there’s no amount of pushing and guilt that’s going to make you change your feelings. On the contrary, all they’re doing is pushing you away from both of them. You are going to start, if you haven’t already, resenting James’ insistence. Your mother also needs to realize that resentment is going to spread to her as well. Unfortunately I see this as a long-term battle for you. If you get married, there’s going to be insistance that James be father of the Bride. If you have children there’s going to be insistence that James be Grandpa.
You might want to remind your mother that you have less than a year before you are 18. Does she want to put a wall up for the future? NTA
This is always a tough situation. I’ve known people whose parents remarried at around the same age range. The way we were raised was to use respectful titles in public especially.
I grew up with a step dad and a real dad who stayed away because he had personal issues. He was still my dad tho, and always will be.
I referred to my step dad as my step dad publicly and called him by his name in private.
I think it’s a little more tactful to do it that way. Sone people like the term “bonus dad” as well.
You lost your dad before you ever got the chance to know him… that grief is real, even if it’s quiet. You’re not being disrespectful by honoring that. James may love you, but love doesn’t mean rewriting your history to make someone else feel better. You’re allowed to define your own relationships. NTA.
NTA. You told the truth. Unless James adopted you (which I doubt you would have left out since it would have been against your will), he is neither legally nor biologically your father, and while he can’t be blamed for his initial desire to earn a place as a father figure in your life, he can be blamed for not accepting your rejection respectfully.
NTA. You don’t have to acknowledge someone as your dad when he’s NOT your dad!!!!! JFC what a weird hill for him to die on!!! Tell your mom he needs to reevaluate his expectations & accept that he’s not your dad and never will be. Otherwise, you’ll be going full NC with them once you leave home! Most likely, it’ll be a wake-up call, or he’ll never change, but you have nothing to feel bad about at all!! It’s pretty shitty of them to try to guilt you into feeling something you don’t feel & never will. Therapy would help them to accept that & better navigate the relationship, but I doubt that will happen since they’re trying to make it a you problem. Even though stepdad is the one with a problem. I seriously hate when people try to guilt others into anything!!! Especially when adults do it to a child omg it’s so fucked up!!!!!! Fucking pos manipulative AHs
James is not your dad. Also true. He’s your mother’s husband. You have a right to define that relationship as you experience it.
It sounds like your mom and James need therapy and you’re doing fine. NTA.
NTA. You are stating a fact when you say that James is not your Dad and he is your Mom’s husband. They don’t get to re-write reality to spare his little feelings. You can like and respect James as is, without pretending he is something he isn’t. If that is not enough for him then that is a James problem. Your mother needs to accept this. So does James. You didn’t marry him, and commit to him; she did. You accepted that and have been respectful, that is all they should expect. There has been no adoption and you don’t feel that is appropriate as you have a Dad you honor even without having met him. You know where you come from and you aren’t willing to edit that history for their comfort. Pushing for more is unrealistic and if it’s not there for you it’s just not. Pressuring you will create nothing but resentment and if that is what they’re aiming for they can keep it ip and lose you all together.
Relationships build better over time w/o coercion. I have four Bonuses. One I became his other Mom quickly, one took a few years, and the other two even longer. We’re all great now because I never attempted to force it. Also, I got them ages 11, 13, 15, 17, so the oldest two took the longest for several reasons. Tell James, let it ride instead of moping like a chid.
James is weak and you shouldn’t call him anything other than what you are comfortable with. My three kids call me by my first name and I have been with there mother for 25 yrs. But when they need someone to trust or have a problem they need help with they call me. My two grandkids call me Papa, so James needs to be the man in your life and not worry about titles.
Nta.
I dont know what it is about step parents lately not knowing the difference between “parent” and “step parent”.
You can love those kids all you want, be willing to die or kill for them even, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are a step parent. The kid may even consider you their true parent. But those are special cases NOT the norm. And it is always they kids choice, like it or not. Force it and there will be resentment that lasts a lifetime. It breaks families.
You are not entitled to them calling you mom or dad unless you are their actual parent, either by blood or adoption if the kid is old enough(teenage or older if you ask me) to understand the adoption and what it means. You don’t get to skate because you tricked a nine year old or some shit into agreeing to it then be asshurt because they still don’t see you as daddy. Or mommy.
OP, your dear ol’mommy needs to learn the difference, adjust expectations, and help the clearly confused man she married adjust to his title. And his clearly misunderstood expectations.
Technically you dont owe it to him. Has he been good to you? Treated you with respect and care? I guess the term step-dad could be a compromise. Not to replace your dad but to acknowledge him but also making it clear your dad is still your dad.
NTA but you are depriving yourself of a father figure. You don’t say anything bad about him. And I would imagine your bio dad would have wanted you to have a father figure since he can’t be there. Accepting him as a father figure in no way diminishes your connection to bio dad. Although James is sad, you are also missing out on an important relationship. I don’t think anyone is the AH here. It’s all just very sad and needed more communication and gentleness from the start. If he is a worthy man, I hope you can open your heart to him. Maybe some family therapy could help you all find a happy medium. Good luck!
Info: what has James been like as a figure in your life? Is he kind to you and your mom? Does he take an interest in your passions? Support what you love to do?
I ask because you haven’t described James at all except as an NPC of sorts. But if this is real, then he is also a real person, and either he has behaved in ways that don’t show you dignity and respect, or he has behaved in ways that suggest that he be treated with dignity and respect. You don’t have to call him “dad” but if he has been a positive role in your life he deserves a more complete description than just “my mom’s husband.”
NTA. Their feelings are the matter are their own problem. You are allowed to feel however you want.
He’s not your dad but he could be your father the reality is you never had a dad but you have a father figure which might just open up a whole new side of life for you
A father is more than a biological construct. In my, it wouldn’t have been too much to meet them halfway and honour his efforts to treat you like a daughter.
James should sadly pull back and spend less fatherly energy on you, because it’s clearly wasted on you. Save any money he
It saddens me that he’s tried so hard, only for you to speak about him so dismissively. The way you describe it was disrespectful. But I’m being harsh to expect more from a 17 year old.
I hope he wakes up and smells the coffee and he and your mum focus on each other as a unit and respect whatever the way you want to play things without it sullying what they have.
NTA- Your mom made sure to celebrate your dad, to keep him “alive” to you. This is her own doing.
Updateme
NTA
I would have turned it around on the mom and said, “So you want me to lie? You are actually demanding that I be a liar?” And enjoy watching her squirm.
Tell them to adopt if James wants to be a dad so badly. You are practically out the door!
Another reason to never marry a single mom.
15 is really quite old to “adopt a dad” . NTA
NTA but sounds like your mom should have talked to you when you were younger and asked if you would want another “dad” or if you would potentially see her partner as a dad. They just expected you to see him as a dad and never discussed what you would want. They can’t have expectations and expect you to want the same thing. There is nothing wrong with not seeing James as another dad.
NTA you don’t have to see him as a father figure that may or may not change over time but just like he is entitled to his feelings you are entitled to yours
NTA, and it wasnt like you were going out of your way to hurt him, you were just explaining, though maybe just call him your step parent. I have a stepdad that married my mom when I was 3, and this man has been like a second dad the entire time. (I still have and adore my actual dad, they just split.) My dad didnt want me to call him Dad so I never did. I have always called him Mr. Stepdad (I used his real name, of course, not “stepdad” but you get the idea). He has always called me his daughter and never made me feel any different. “This is our oldest daughter, so-and-so, and this is our youngest, this-and-that.”
Literally, the word “Mr. [Insert name]” makes me think and feel the same way as dad does. It means fatherly figure in my head almost so I can’t call anyone else even if they share the same name. The word itself doesn’t have to be dad inspired or a nickname as long as the feeling is behind it.
Unfortunately, you can’t force those feelings so I get it. He’s just your stepdad. Thats how my wife feels about her stepdad despite him being there since she was like 11, but we still rely on him for a lot. Being a step parent, and a good one, is always impressive to me. Maybe call him a stepdad and say he did “step up” but that you don’t want to take the title from someone who didnt rightfully lose it, you know? Youre glad he’s there, and you weren’t trying to insult, but pushing it will only drive the wedge further.
NTA
My goodness! You had 13 years before him, three years with him married to your mom – he is NOT your dad, never was. You’re almost grown.
IF you ever get to that point in your life where you feel close enough to him to bestow that honor on him, okay. If you never reach that point, okay!!
The *child is not responsible for the gown up’s hurt feelings. He married your mom. He is your mom’s husband. You are polite to him. wtf mom and James? That should be more than enough. It’s not your fault he never had a child! It’s not your fault your dad died!
Mom and James need family counseling.
NTA. You met him when you were 13 years old and by the time you were 14 they married and expected you’d call him dad?
You known him for four years, you were a teenager. He and your mother should stop pushing for a relationship that’s not going to happen.
My step dad came into my life when I was about 9. I never called him anything other than his name, despite him being the lone father figure in my life. My ‘half’ brother is nothing of the sort, and I’d probably deck anyone who called him that in front of me tbh, he’s my brother through and through as much as my older brother who I share both parents with is imo. I’m fully aware that I treat each situation very differently. Life ain’t easy, but your people are your people.
My mom and he split, he stayed in my life. My mom passed, he was there for me and still is. I spoke with him yesterday about coming by for dinner to see my kids. My kids don’t call him grandpa, they call him his name like I do.
If he’s got feelings about it, he’s been smart enough to keep those to himself. James could and should do the same.
You might want to take James aside and tell him that while he’s not your Dad, that’s not his fault or a reflection on him as a person….If that’s the case. When I was 17, I thought being a dick to people was fine, but it’s not and you’re kinda being a dick to James here- and he’s being a dick to you in a different way. Acknowledge his feelings and find a happy medium where he feels like his love to you is at least understood if not reciprocated. You’re at a tough age, and having something like this shoved down your throat is bound to cause you to get defensive. Try to take a breath and be open to other perspectives but don’t fold on this if you genuinely believe James holds a role in your life other than being your Dad.
ESH kinda.
NTA.
You’ve know him for like 4 years???? Ive had a vibrator last me longer, why would you call him dad??? And he’s BEEN waiting? When did they think it was gonna happen???? NTA and I’m so confused as to why they both just thought that was eventually going to happen???? Genuinely what the hell.
You’re NTA. Your feelings are valid and James feelings are too. It’s just a different relationship dynamic that will need time and patience to build.
I had a stepson (he has passed). I was in his life from when he was basically 5 or 6 until he was 22. I saw his actual dad maybe 6 times. I reached a point that I would occasionally refer to him as “son”. Most people knew that we were not related. He never referred to me as “dad”. I treated him as my son.
It seems that James needs to get over it.
NTA. He can have his feelings but you told them the truth at dinner.
Is James fatherly to you at all? Is he hoping for the stepdad title? Coming into your life at 13 and expecting to pass for “dad” is kinda weird.
NTA He can be an important adult in your life. Why are they so fixated on James having the “title” of dad?
13 is a little late to the game to get the dad title. He hasn’t gotten to do the child raising stuff. I think this is an issue of managing expectations. Your mom may have sold him the idea of coming into a readymade family and then he gets rejected. He may have wanted his own kids, and your mom not wanting to get pregnant again, said he could get to be a father for you. It’s definitely nothing you did wrong. I would just talk to both of them. James is going to be around for a while and will be a part of the family. Give him a nickname, give him a title. Let him be Sir James, His holiness or Lord and Majesty. Try some sort of bonding. He will never be dad, but he can be something.
Oh my god, poor POOR James & his hurting little feelings.It’s been so, so hard for him to deal with his huge emotions over not getting to claim another man’s daughter as his own.
Get a job and start saving up to move out.
It’s very commendable of James to care for you (and I take it he’s never been abusive or just a plain jerk), and it sounds like you appreciate it. But he is not your father – he is, as you properly describe him, your mother’s husband. You have every right to identify your deceased father as your only father. James needs to accept that and take enjoyment from the non-parental but amiable relationship the two of you have and leave it at that. The alternative would be for the two of you in a constant state of antagonism and hostility. Would he rather have that?