Some context first: let’s call them “Team Priorities.”
Since the beginning of our relationship, I learned my husband is the go-to person for family when it comes to money. Once we got serious and started a family of our own, we agreed to stop the handouts. We’re not wealthy by any means, but when we’re in a tight spot, we hustle and make it work without asking others for help.
But every now and then, “Team Priorities” sneaks back in and asks my husband to help cover a bill or some urgent expense. The frustrating part is the timing—shortly after asking for money, the fiancée is often posting about new outfits, day trips, or looking for tattoo artists. It’s hard not to feel taken advantage of.
Their latest visit really frustrated me. They said they wanted to come see us so the kids could spend time together (they’re close in age). We agreed and let them stay with us, thinking it was for quality family time. Wrong. They treated our house like a free Airbnb. We saw them one full day and briefly in the evenings—otherwise, they were off doing their own thing. Our daughter was really disappointed, which left me annoyed and honestly, a little sour.
Then came the kicker.
A week after they left, my husband got an alert that his credit score dropped 30 points. Turns out his cousin (the groom) missed a car payment. My husband co-signed that loan before we ever met. So they came to stay with us knowing they were in default—and didn’t say a word. Meanwhile, that missed payment affected our financial standing.
I was livid. I wanted to message the fiancée and tell her to get their act together because it’s beyond disrespectful. My husband and I argued about it. He said I shouldn’t get involved and that the fiancée has nothing to do with the loan. But we’ve tried to get him removed from the loan and can’t—his cousin’s credit is too low. I even asked why the fiancée (soon to be wife!) couldn’t take over the loan, but my husband brushed it off, saying there’s only a year left.
After sitting with it, I decided I’m not attending their wedding. My husband is still going—he’s the best man. But our daughter is starting kindergarten that same week, and I don’t want her missing those first days. Plus, she’s attending private school, so every penny counts, and I made it clear there will be no gift from us and he won’t be footing the entire bill for the bachelor trip either.
If it weren’t for the kids, I’d have stepped back from this relationship a long time ago. The fiancée gives off strong narcissistic/toxic vibes—but that’s another post.
So, AITA for skipping the wedding and refuse to gift them anything?
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Some context first: let’s call them “Team Priorities.”
Since the beginning of our relationship, I learned my husband is the go-to person for family when it comes to money. Once we got serious and started a family of our own, we agreed to stop the handouts. We’re not wealthy by any means, but when we’re in a tight spot, we hustle and make it work without asking others for help.
But every now and then, “Team Priorities” sneaks back in and asks my husband to help cover a bill or some urgent expense. The frustrating part is the timing—shortly after asking for money, the fiancée is often posting about new outfits, day trips, or looking for tattoo artists. It’s hard not to feel taken advantage of.
Their latest visit really frustrated me. They said they wanted to come see us so the kids could spend time together (they’re close in age). We agreed and let them stay with us, thinking it was for quality family time. Wrong. They treated our house like a free Airbnb. We saw them one full day and briefly in the evenings—otherwise, they were off doing their own thing. Our daughter was really disappointed, which left me annoyed and honestly, a little sour.
Then came the kicker.
A week after they left, my husband got an alert that his credit score dropped 30 points. Turns out his cousin (the groom) missed a car payment. My husband co-signed that loan before we ever met. So they came to stay with us knowing they were in default—and didn’t say a word. Meanwhile, that missed payment affected our financial standing.
I was livid. I wanted to message the fiancée and tell her to get their act together because it’s beyond disrespectful. My husband and I argued about it. He said I shouldn’t get involved and that the fiancée has nothing to do with the loan. But we’ve tried to get him removed from the loan and can’t—his cousin’s credit is too low. I even asked why the fiancée (soon to be wife!) couldn’t take over the loan, but my husband brushed it off, saying there’s only a year left.
After sitting with it, I decided I’m not attending their wedding. My husband is still going—he’s the best man. But our daughter is starting kindergarten that same week, and I don’t want her missing those first days. Plus, she’s attending private school, so every penny counts, and I made it clear there will be no gift from us and he won’t be footing the entire bill for the bachelor trip either.
If it weren’t for the kids, I’d have stepped back from this relationship a long time ago. The fiancée gives off strong narcissistic/toxic vibes—but that’s another post.
So, AITA for skipping the wedding and refuse to gift them anything?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I chose not to attend my husband’s cousin’s wedding and refused to contribute a gift or help fund the bachelor party. This might make me the asshole because it could be seen as unsupportive of my husband, who is the best man, or as petty toward his cousin and fiancée. My actions may affect family relationships and could be viewed as me overstepping or holding a grudge over financial decisions that technically aren’t mine.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Info: it seems like this doesn’t bother your husband, but very much bothers you. Is the money that he uses to help them from joint money (money that you both make) or his own personal money? Was this something you talked about prior to getting married and he’s breaking and agreement the two of you had?
I don’t really understand why you’re focusing on the fiancee here. Why is your inclination to contact her rather than to contact the cousin directly?
I don’t blame you for feeling like you have no desire to go celebrate people that you’re angry at, and angry for good reason. I think sitting out the wedding is reasonable. Send your regrets and a wish that they have a great time, include a card with no gift attached, and leave it there. So NTA for that question.
More importantly however is whether you’re on the same page with your husband. Your comment ‘I made it clear there will be no gift from us and he won’t be footing the entire bill for the bachelor trip either.’ REALLY suggests that, due to your anger perhaps, you’re approaching this like it’s YOU against HIM. Is he actually part of the problem, as you see it? Or are you just frustrated that he’s not willing to cut them off/ditch their wedding over these problems? Don’t make yourself an enemy of your husband in this situation unless he is actively working against your collective goals for your family. It sounds like he has a cool head on the matter and that’s probably appropriate, as long as it’s coupled up with REALLY firm boundaries against giving any further financial support. What he’s done is enough, it would be more than reasonable to refuse to help them in any way, shape, or form when it comes to financial assistance, moving forward. It was a huge gift that he even cosigned on the loan to begin with, never mind the other monetary gifts. Enough is enough, I hope he is on board with that. If he is, you don’t really have a problem to solve anymore.
This feels more like a rant than a question.
Your husband is the problem.
He’s the one letting his family disappoint your daughter.
He’s the one letting himself get taken advantage of.
He’s the one risking your financial security for these people.
He’s the one insisting you say nothing to them.
Your anger needs to be directed where it belongs: at your husband.
NTA.
INFO: who is calling you TA? and why is your focus solely on the fiancée when the cousin is equally responsible for these bad decisions?
NTA. They’re mooching off you and your husband.
NTA, hopefully your bank accounts are separate
Info: why would you need to speak to the fiancée instead of your husband talking to his cousin? Kinda reads like some weird patriarchy shit or you just don’t like this person and are looking for a reason to go on the offensive.
The whole fiancée focus is very confusing and it doesn’t even fit the issue.
As for the car loan. There is nothing you can do about it. Your husband co-signed. That means according to the bank, he borrowed the money. He either tells someone to repossess it and take that credit hit, pay the bill or hope his cousin gets his act together and keep up the payments
There should be no more funds going from your husband to his family
Step back now.
NTA
“our daughter is starting kindergarten that same week, and I don’t want her missing those first days”
—I moved with my parents to a new town just at the beginning of the school year and could not get registered for kindergarten for two weeks. Either they didn’t tell me or it went over my head, because when I arrived I assumed it was the first day for all the kids. I gather most people don’t remember their first school days, but I did. Because I got an inferiority complex due to all the kids being so much smarter than I. Like they knew where to stand in line for lunch, knew were to sit and just seemed with it while I didn’t.
While your scenario isn’t quite on that level, yeah, get your daughter in there day one.
ESH
The cousin & fiancée seem to be leeches, pure & simple. But not giving a gift for a wedding that you’re not only invited to (if you were going), but that your husband is a part of, is petty & crappy behavior. You could always get them a low-cost gift from their registry, so that you’re not spending too much, but still staying within the boundaries of “good form.” Your husband might also be on the hook for some financial aspect of the wedding; the Bachelor Party if nothing else.
I agree that their behavior the last time they stayed at your place was reprehensible, & – if I were in this situation – I wouldn’t allow them to stay with us anymore, ever again. And, I’m sorry for the dent to your credit, that’s definitely a hard thing to take, especially when you two are so diligent about taking care of your bills & whatnot. Could the cousin’s parents co-sign on a new loan, so that it doesn’t affect your husband’s credit anymore?
Your husband’s also a culprit in this situation, because he needs to set firmer boundaries. He needs to make sure that “Cousin Bank” is closed. No more “saving” this couple. They’re full-grown adults (I assume), so it’s time for them to be accountable for their choices . . . even if said choices winds them up in the “poor house.” He will likely be seen as “mean” or “bad” for cutting the cousin off financially, but he’ll have to get thicker skin. Because, otherwise, he’s going to let Team Priorities bring your family down as well.
Nta, your gift was the car payment.
You have a husband problem. Have him handle the car situation immediately so your financial situation isn’t affected at the minimum.
NTA. Why don’t you gift them the car payments to get them current, or a portion of it. That way, they can’t say they didn’t get a gift, and it does you guys some good too?
Just to give a bit more context: My husband and I share one account because we are married and don’t see a reason to have different accounts. We’re not wealthy, but we live comfortably. I felt compelled to reach out to the fiancée because their financial situation has started to impact us. The cousin covers all the bills, while the fiancée uses her income for everything else. They also receive EBT and other forms of government assistance. If their lifestyle wasn’t affecting us directly, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. We know when the time comes to sell our home and buy another, the impact of the missed payment will come in question which could have been avoided if my husband wouldn’t have agreed to sign but it was way before we met.
Your husband is an AH for cosigning the car loan. That is truly one of the most unwise things anyone can ever do.
Why is your husband a doormat? Where is his spine?
Tell your husband to grow a backbone
NTA, the people throwing a wedding when they can’t cover a car payment are a pair of untrustworthy AHs.
Be sure to ask your husband if there are any other Loans he co-signed and hasn’t mentioned to you.
You have a husband problem. He puts being a knight and shining armor before his own family. He is actively providing for them over you and your kid. Any money or name he puts on anything takes away from you. Don’t stand for this.
NTA. Sorry for the spineless husband for family. IF and I say IF you loan ( give) them money because the power, water or something else is going to be shut off. Tell the family you will help. Give me the coupon with the account number and I will make the payment directly to them. Said coupon must show that they are in danger of being cut off, otherwise no dice. He can still help but he knows the money is going to said emergency not a spa day. Good luck.
NTA. Tell your husband that the next time he helps his family out without discussing it with you, you leave. He might find it hard to help family out while paying child support and spousal support.