My girlfriend (34F) and I (32M) had been dating for about a year and a half, we moved in together about 4 months ago, and I recently proposed while we were traveling together. We’re engaged now and many elements of our relationship are wonderful, and I’m excited to marry her! Throughout the time that we’ve known each other, I’ve come to learn that she has a different relationship with alcohol than I do.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve felt like I want to pare back how much I drink. I still enjoy having beers, wine, and cocktails, but I reach a point where I know I’ve had enough and I’ll stop. When we’re out drinking socially together, we typically stay on the same level, sometimes one of us will lean in more than the other, but it’s usually fun and doesn’t lead to bad vibes/arguments.
The outlying issues emerge when she goes out with certain friends. Some of her friends are big drinkers, and will have drinks numbered in the double-digits over the course of an evening. I’ve witnessed this, and can see how she loses the inhibition to pace herself, and can keep up with the pace of drinking set by someone else. When I’m not there, I think this inhibition also fades and she loses that “off switch.”
What I’ve seen now since we’ve been living together makes me feel nervous for our future together. She’s gone out with a friend for “happy hour,” then didn’t communicate at all with me, my texts and calls went unanswered, she finally made it home at 2AM, wasted and confused why I was scared and had a sense of dread of why I couldn’t get in touch with her. She’s driven our car into the city, went to a concert, then when she made it home was slurring her speech and her eyes showed she was clearly intoxicated. There have been other nights during the week where a dinner with a friend or grabbing drinks have turned into a very late night, and I feel my anxiety levels rising anticipating her coming through the door, teasing me about being “not that drunk,” not understanding why I want to go to bed when it’s after midnight rather than hangout with her as she’s slurring her speech and acting strangely.
Our conversations about that have run the gambit. She wants me to share what’s on my mind, and not hold things in. There’s been some acknowledgement, but typically when I tell her the unvarnished truth about how her drinking habits are problematic, she gets very defensive and I feel like the argument is turned back on me as some kind of oppressive/manipulative partner who wants to change who she is. It’s a hard thing for me to articulate to her, I’ve never been with a partner before, especially one who I’m this invested in, who I’ve felt like their drinking habits have unsettled me. Thinking back to being in my 20s, I know that there were periods where I was drinking too much, and probably my partners were too, but I’ve reached this point of my life where I want to put that behind me.
Where we’re at now feels like some kind of awkward impasse. We’ve had some fights over this and the last one we had felt really heavy afterwards. I love her and want us to have a beautiful future together, we’re starting to talk about plans for a wedding. At the same time, I’m nervous about this being something that follows us and can turn into a significant wedge. I’m considering asking her if we could try some couples therapy, because I feel like we need a 3rd party perspective for this to really resonate. I’m also nervous about talking about this with my family, because I know it will be an embarrassing topic and my fiancé could feel like I’m hurting her reputation.
I guess I’m looking for some input from people who have experienced anything similar. Is there a way I can go about communicating with her on this topic that won’t feel to her like an attack? Could couples therapy be a good avenue to try? I don’t want to end up 5-10+ years down the road wishing that I had stood my ground sooner.
TLDR: I’m nervous that my fiancé’s drinking habits could drive a wedge in our relationship, but my attempts to talk to her about it have ended up with us both upset and it feels like we’re at an impasse. Should I try another approach in communicating how this is problematic?
Comments
See all this energy you’re putting into this? Now imagine doing this for 10 years. And then it ending in some dumpster fire way.
People are going to do what they want to do (or what they are addicted to doing). You cannot change them. Best to find someone who is as present and caring as you are in a relationship. They exist.
thats alcoholism lol
I do not understand people getting engaged at that phase when you really don’t even know each other. This is who she is and wants to do, wether it’s wise or not.
One of my friend couples had the same dynamic. They got married, took a mortgage, had a kid. It took 10 years for the husband to finally believe that she was not going to change, since she did not see a problem in her lifestyle. Now they are divorcing.
If she does not want to change, take it or leave it.
Don’t marry this drunk. Otherwise your entire life will be miserable.
First problem- she’s getting faced and then driving. Not only might she kill somebody but the potential financial ramifications of an accident are severe.
Next at some point you’ll be hearing that misconduct is excusable if done while drunk.
You don’t have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. Binge drinking qualifies. And it will probably get worse over time. Rethink that engagement
“here’s been some acknowledgement, but typically when I tell her the unvarnished truth about how her drinking habits are problematic, she gets very defensive and I feel like the argument is turned back on me as some kind of oppressive/manipulative partner who wants to change who she is.”
I think the red line here is the drunk driving. There’s nothing squishy or lifestyle-y about it. If your fiance is getting *defensive* about drunk driving, you are already in ultimatum territory. Therapy, counseling, something.
Your girlfriend is exhibiting behavior that correlates with being an alcoholic. This will not end well for both of you unless she changes her lifestyle and develop intense self discipline. Ideally she needs to recognize this and seek help from a licensed drug and alcohol rehab counselor, as well as stay away from alcohol 100%. Since she’s not capable of doing this right now, eventually something real bad will happen to her (and perhaps others) as she continues to spiral, especially if she drives while drinking. This will not stop.
Your choice is “shall I stay or shall I go.” Your fighting will only get worse because of her alcoholism and denial. It’s textbook. So to preserve your mental health and heart, it may be worth breaking your engagement and writing her off. If you choose to stay prepare for a war of attrition. Ideally an intervention will be necessary but that’s super intense and could blow up. And you need to stop drinking socially and at home if she’s around because of all the social pressure.
What I’d recommend is that you visit your local AlAnon chapter and listen to others in similar shoes as you. Also right now go to r/AlAnon and get smarter.
If getting plastered and forgetting she has a partner back home, is more important to her – then she’s not ready for marriage.
It’s time to reflect on if this is the person you want to marry.
She has an alcohol problem and is in denial.
I can go for bottomless drinks and still respond to my boyfriend, friends and family.
There’s getting tipsy and drunk occasionally – and then there’s getting black out drunk every time you drink.