I (26F) have been with my bf (28F) for almost 3 years, and a caregiver for the last two since he was diagnosed with rare cancer. Through high and hell water, treatment out of state, life and death surgery, infections etc. I am also a CC RN full time and never received any time off. We have had a few fights and it always revolves around the same issue more or less, me trying to pencil in time to take care of myself, mentally, physically, and him taking it the wrong way. More recently, also, him de-validating my own burn out and exhaustion – I also have a chronic fatigue autoimmune disease on top of the emotional and physical grief and trauma I’ve been enduring with not sight in end. Example, after work, my tank is on ZERO, and I’m being quiet. I told him I’m just exhausted he did nothing wrong I am just trying to decompress, and he keeps at it badgering me, “did he do something, what’s going on, what happened..”and I reiterated it was my exhaustion, not him. He then goes on to say well at least you can leave the house, I was sick in the bathroom all day at least that wasn’t you. I’m so tired. I’m so fucking tired of this revolving arguments. And I practice gratefulness and I say it out loud everyday. I am so grateful I have a job to support myself and him. But I am not his personal professional nurse responsible for all of his comfort needs. I’m a human. I have needs as well. I have so much empathy and grief for him, but it is unreasonable for me to try to get him to see my side of this relationship as well? I give him everything I have, but some days, it’s clearly not enough anymore. I want 1 hour to work out after my shift before I go see him, and most of the time he’s coming down on me for that.
How can I address this in a mature, empathetic way to save ourselves the strain on our relationship? I feel so frustrated, and unfortunately no matter how much care I give him, I cannot save him from this disease.
TLDR: Boyfriend is sick, girlfriend is the caregiver and we keep fighting about me taking time to take care of myself sometimes (1 hour workout etc).
Comments
you should visit r/caregiversupport
Being a caregiver isn’t for the weak. Especially given the job you have! Wow. Having cancer is really hard and I respect that but he needs to respect you in turn. You can’t give from an empty cup forever, you need to take time for yourself or you could literally keel over and die, seriously.
You’re so strong and so caring for caregiving someone so quickly into the relationship and at your ages as well. Not everyone, not even most people I’d argue, would do that. I hope he respects that.
He definitely needs therapy but you could benefit from private therapy as well ontop of both of you getting couple’s therapy.
Main reason why I suggest therapy is because both of you definitely need different perspectives in regards to each other and in regards to yourselves. Your partner needs to take a long realistic look at himself and ask what he really wants FOR YOU, not just from you or for himself. You need to look at what you want FOR YOURSELF as well since essentially being a caregiver to someone you’re not married to (trust me it makes a big difference there, but I wont depress you with stuff like that). You’re doing an extremely selfless thing, but you have to be realistic to the fact that you might not get anything for it in the end. Its a callous way to think about it but you are sacrifice your life and obvious happiness to help the person you love. Who’s going to take care of you if something happens to you? Him?
He is in a needy/desperate situation, and he probably fears what will happen to him if you stop being his caregiver. So you will probably have to be the one to decide on your limits and stick to them, he is not going to offer or suggest that you do less.
But, you have to do less for him, you will burn yourself out otherwise.
Maybe you can strategize about getting help from family, friends, paid help, a support group, cancer charity, or etc. His insurance might have a cancer navigator or social worker you can talk to about options for getting more help.
You shouldn’t be your partner’s caregiver. You need another person to do this since you are also working full time.