So I created this account the day of the family dinner because I knew something shitty was going to happen.
Some context: both me(26f) and my boyfriend(27m) have known each other since highschool but reconnected after bumping into each other in a new state. We’ve been dating for almost three years. Now I’m mixed, being black and latina while my boyfriend is asian. We knew going into this relationship that both of our families might disapprove of one another. However I was not going to let this happen as I had the hugest crush on him since my freshman year of high school and my whole family knew this.
Both my boyfriend and I were going to announce that we were thinking of getting engaged at this family dinner as we already told his parents, who surprisingly accepted. When we walked in, my mom was acting so not normal I was concerned, and my father seemed very worried everytime he looked at my boyfriend. As soon as dinner started, all of my family were talking to my boyfriend, asking him questions and the mood seemed light, but I noticed my mom was silent.
Being the only child who had left to get married my mother had been putting pressure on me since I started college, as she left college to marry my father. Then literally out of fucking nowhere she said something in spanish, so my boyfriend couldn’t understand and asked why I was with a (asian slur in spanish). Everyone froze and my dad let out a massive sigh. She went back to english, nearly yelling, saying he wasn’t welcome in our family and that she would forever hate me if I stayed with him.
Now there’s thing with latin moms, in which some have a weird animosity toward their daughters but would forever baby their sons. I am her only daughter and she’s always disrespected me, but saying that infront of my boyfriend, the guy I have manifested ever since I was freaking 15. The man I would pray to god about at night, hoping we could be together. No. So I stood up, saying if that’s how she wanted the night to go, and that’s how she wanted our relationship to be from now on, who was I to change her mind since it was already made. I grabbed our things said my goodbye to the rest of my family, pushed my boyfriend out the door and into our car.
My boyfriend was sad the whole way home, my family calling and texting non stop. Its been a couple days and I haven’t been able to get out of bed. I’ve taken a week off of work and haven’t responded to anyone in my family. I love my mom so much but she’s always been the only person in my life I’ve let disrespect me time and time again. My father has left voicemails saying he’s on my side. I know that I won’t cut off my family unless they all agree with her. My boyfriend feels terrible and I’m not sure why, but he’s been taking care of me the last few days. So aitah? Advice is very much needed.
Edit: this is so out of character for her in my opinion she’s never said anything racist and Im very shocked, not defending her nor am I only thinking about myself but also about my boyfriend who is innocent in all this and did not deserve or hear that even if he didn’t understand. Also to everyone saying that I’m placing a burden on my boyfriend thanks for that, however we don’t live together but when I said taking care of me I meant asking if I’m doing ok mentally. I’ve had issues with my mental health in the past and this is sort of like a relapse. I’ll update when I can, which I hopefully soon.
Comments
NTA at all. In no way shape or form. Your mother, on the other hand, is a Grade A, numero uno AH. You’ve had a big blow so your feelings are completely understandable.
NTA. Your mom was racist and you did the right thing by defending your relationship. Lean on your supportive dad and boyfriend. you deserve respect and love
Absolutely NTA. What your mom said was racist and cruel. You didn’t embarrass her, she embarrassed herself. You did the right thing by protecting your partner and yourself
Absolutely NTA. Your reaction was completely appropriate.
NTA. Time to go no contact with your mother. She is a racist AH. Keep in touch with the rest of your family as long as they support you. Bf feels bad because he feels like this is his fault. Reassure him it isn’t and that your mother is just a horrible hateful person. Get yourself into therapy asap to process all of this. I am worried you haven’t gotten out of bed in days over her. Please let your father know you are OK. If you are having feelings of self-harm.. please call a crisis line to help you handle this. Hugs
NTA your mom sure is though. Updateme
You dear are NTA… but your Mom? Holy Sh*t! Calling her a massive AH is an understatement. I’m really sorry. Yourself and your boyfriend don’t deserve that BS and I’m wishing you both a bright and happy future together.
NTA and good for you. I’m mixed and the amount of times relationships have fallen apart because parents don’t like my skin colour is far too many. So good on you for standing up for your partner, and not allowing the disrespect to change your relationship.
Your partner is hurting because he knows you are hurting. Because he knows that a person dear to you hates his very existence because of where he was born and what colour skin he has.
You’ve drawn your line in the sand, and good for you. Yes it sucks but you built that back bone out of steel. Your mother’s opinion of your relationship matters not a jot. Those who are openly on your side, keep in contact with. Those that are not, there opinion doesn’t matter anyway regardless if they raised you, if they broke bread with you. Surround yourself with people who lift you up.
So get out of bed, take a shower, eat something tasty and go take that shiny beautiful back bone of yours out for a spin. It’s hard I know, but I promise you this every step, every brick you place building your boundaries to protect your peace gets easier and easier. There will be days where it’s hard, but you got this.
NTA sometimes people have closeted racist views until they can’t stay quiet anymore. I’m sorry your boyfriend had to see all that but you do you and be happy. Don’t let anyone ruin it for you.
Cut your mum off and keep the rest of the family. Keep the boyfriend too! NTA
NTA – good on you for standing up for your husband to be! I do want to point out though, you say this is out of character for your mom but I think it’s out of character for what you know about her. People hide their flaws all the time until they feel it’s necessary to manifest them.
This has always been your mom, the whole time. Otherwise why would your dad let out a heavy negro sigh like I’d imagine my family doing as well? Interracial marriages don’t dismiss racism and your mom just made that very clear.
Go to marriage counseling. Your husband is going to need tools to navigate this and so are you. You will need to be on the same page moving forward on how you deal with your mom. You will need to keep that spine of yours strong because I guarantee your mom or the people that support her in this let up.
FYI – I’m black and Mexican as well. I know how this goes and I’m so sorry you have to be the strong one in this when you should be celebrating. Take all the time you need to be you again, and then take a weekend away with your fiancé to regroup. Congrats on your engagement girlfriend, yall clearly love one another 🥰
NTA. I’m proud of you, OP. 🩷
NTA, but I would suggest talking with the rest of your family. don’t cut yourself off from them because of your mother.
NTA
Your mom was a terrible racist, and what she did is unforgivable. The public humiliation to both you and your poor fiancé. Absolutely vile.
NTA
Your boyfriend feels terrible because in part, he probably (wrongly) blames himself, and the biggest part, his gf’s mother made disparaging, racist comments to him. So yeah, I am sure he feels terrible.
You did the right thing by leaving. Your mother has, according to you, been disrespectful to you over the years. This recent incident should be the final straw that broke the camels back. She isn’t going to change, so you need to go NC with her. For your sake as well as your boyfriend’s. Especially if you want this relationship to survive.
And it needs to be YOU who makes this decision. Do not put this burden on your BF. You need to handle it.
You can still have a relationship with your father and other family members who are not bigoted jerks and treat your bf with respect. Just let them know mom is now persona non grata, and if they try to force you to deal with her or “mend” your relationship with her, they go on your shitlist too
Sorry for how your mom acted. But you are a 26yo woman, put your big girl pants and stop acting like is the end of the world. Taking a week off work, stay in bed for a few days and your boyfriend has to take care of you is a little too much.
You already knew it was going to be a problem. You should be taking care your boyfriend that was actually insulted my your mother.
Apologize to your boyfriend for how your mom acted and let him know you are going to take care of. And then take care of it, anyway you think is best.
If you can handle this then you have a problem in your hands because life is going to throw a lot shit in your way. If you have to take a week and stay in bed every time then maybe you are not mature enough to get married yet.
NTA. Also, I would translated for her. Ask her, in English, why she would say xyz about your boyfriend? If she feels so confident that she’s right, she shouldn’t care who hears what she said. I do that with my family, and it’s amazing how quickly they’ll try to walk back their comments when they know I’ll make sure everyone understands what they said.
Updateme
Get married and be happy! Hope that over time, your mother will come around. NTÀ.
NTA, you can be with who ever you want. If your mom cannot accept them then that’s her issue. Set boundaries and go no contact, you don’t have to go no contact with everyone just her.
Cut off your mom but the rest of your family shouldn’t be excluded from your life since they’re not the ones being assholes.
> the man I would pray to god about at night
Yikes though
NTA regardless. Your mom is a racist shithead
NTA. Take your time, respond only if and when you want to.
Has your mom tried to contact you at all? And how old is she? Is she at an age where dementia could be an issue?
NTA, stay strong, don’t abandon yourself. Communicate with the family members that support you but stay silent towards your mom. If they pressure you to forgive her don’t give in, remind them of exactly what she said and reiterate, that if the man you intend to marry isn’t welcomed by her and if she is going to hate you for your choice, she doesn’t need to be part of your life nor that of your future family together.
NTA. I can’t imagine your boyfriend would accept such a hateful MIL, let alone his family. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and your mother is probably stuck in her ways, but maybe the prospect of losing her daughter will make her change her racist views and think twice before she opens her mouth.
Absolutely NTA and you were amazing to prioritize protecting your BF from the toxicity. Great job. Hope y’all find your way, whether with your mom involved or not.
Updateme
NTA. I applaud you for how you handled this truly disgusting situation You were calm, confident and assured. You showed your integrity in not allowing someone to treat you or the person you love in that way.
Your BF may feel that he is responsible. This is 100% not his fault just as this isn’t your fault. You are both victims of this situation.
As children with a toxic parent, we hold out hope for the type of relationship we long for but when something like this happens it’s like a final nail in the coffin and we experience grief for what we can never have.
Your mother is an embarrassment and a huge AH.…period. Your future is with your bf. Look after him.
You did exactly what all those people with their partner not talking back needed to have. You defended him and yourself. You deserve to be in a loving relationship and if your mom hates to see you that way she should wear blindfolds from now on or gouge her eyes out
I’m sorry your mother is being a hateful racist. Keep all your other family close, ask dad and brothers to visit you at your home, that is, if all of respect you and your bf. As for mom tell her straight up that as long as she continues to disrespect you, you
want nothing to do with her. Be strong, your mother will come around, if she doesn’t, her loss. You cannot control her, but you can control yourself. Don’t give up the love of your life to accommodate a selfish manipulative bigot.
No mija, NTA. But it feels like something else is going on here. Call your Dad and ask him what happened. Why all of a sudden, your Mom is acting like this because of something, but what? Has she mentioned things like this before? You will need to confront her at some point and make it clear that what she said is beyond horrible and if she ever wants a relationship again she will need to apologize. This is a weird question but is she by any chance going through menopause?
NTA, she deserves zero contact. She is a racist POS.
NTA
You didn’t say anything disrespectful.
Just text the supportive family ‘thanks’ and the rest ignore for now. You’ll find your footing
Your bf is probably sad this is affecting you and will affect your future. Assure him he’s worth it and bigotry isn’t regardless who you end up with – this isn’t on him and you’ll get past this too.
Sorry your mom sucks.
NTA I wish my ex-fiance had your balls. He caved to his father and got married behind my back, and hid it for a year. I was a “dirty white girl” is the very polite version of what his father called me.
So very proud of you. Stop giving her your power. Get out of bed and back to being you. Family isn’t always blood family is what we make. And don’t back down or show weakness once she sees weakness she will attack again.
NTA but your mom is a massive one
NTA. maybe she’s never said anything racist, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a racist mentality. also, her disrespecting your boyfriend is disrespectful to not just your relationship, but to you. and the fact that this isn’t the first time your mom has disrespected you. i think it’s best to go little to no contact with her.