Okay. So my mom has always been kinda… high-maintenance, I guess. Like, she’s the type who’ll ask you to come over and “help move a chair” and it turns into repainting her living room and assembling furniture while she “supervises.” But whatever, she’s my mom. I try to help when I can.
A few weeks ago, she asked me to housesit while she went on a weekend trip with her boyfriend. Said it would just be Friday to Sunday, watch the dog, water her plants, basic stuff. I said sure, because again—she’s my mom.
So I move my stuff over for the weekend, and I’m chilling there Friday night when I get a call from my cousin. He asks if I’m coming to the family BBQ on Saturday. I’m like, “What BBQ?” He says, “The one at your mom’s house.”
Turns out—she threw a whole-ass BBQ at her own house that weekend, invited like 30 people, and told everyone I was hosting it.
She didn’t even tell me. She just assumed I’d do it.
I check the fridge, and sure enough, there’s meat marinating, coolers prepped, extra chairs stacked in the garage. She’d planned the whole thing and just never mentioned it to me. Just left me with the mess and dipped.
I texted her like “??? Did you forget to tell me you scheduled a party at your own house while I was housesitting?” And she replies:
“Oh, I figured it’d be fun! You need to socialize more anyway 💕”
I didn’t cancel it because people were already on their way, but I was PISSED. Had to clean, cook, host, deal with drunk uncles I didn’t even want to see. Then after everyone left, I cleaned again, took care of her dog, and when she came back Sunday, she just said, “Thanks for everything! Everyone said you were a great host!”
So I told her I’m not doing favors for her anymore. No more housesitting, no more errands, nothing. She started crying, said I was being selfish and ungrateful, and that she “only wanted me to feel included.”
Now my family’s kind of split. Some people say she totally crossed the line and used me, but others think I should “cut her some slack because she’s my mom.”
So yeah, AITAO for putting up a boundary after being blindsided like that?
TL;DR: Mom asked me to housesit, secretly planned a big BBQ at her place, and told everyone I was hosting. I had to run the whole thing without warning. I told her I’m done helping her, and now she says I’m ungrateful.
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Okay. So my mom has always been kinda… high-maintenance, I guess. Like, she’s the type who’ll ask you to come over and “help move a chair” and it turns into repainting her living room and assembling furniture while she “supervises.” But whatever, she’s my mom. I try to help when I can.
A few weeks ago, she asked me to housesit while she went on a weekend trip with her boyfriend. Said it would just be Friday to Sunday, watch the dog, water her plants, basic stuff. I said sure, because again—she’s my mom.
So I move my stuff over for the weekend, and I’m chilling there Friday night when I get a call from my cousin. He asks if I’m coming to the family BBQ on Saturday. I’m like, “What BBQ?” He says, “The one at your mom’s house.”
Turns out—she threw a whole-ass BBQ at her own house that weekend, invited like 30 people, and told everyone I was hosting it.
She didn’t even tell me. She just assumed I’d do it.
I check the fridge, and sure enough, there’s meat marinating, coolers prepped, extra chairs stacked in the garage. She’d planned the whole thing and just never mentioned it to me. Just left me with the mess and dipped.
I texted her like “??? Did you forget to tell me you scheduled a party at your own house while I was housesitting?” And she replies:
“Oh, I figured it’d be fun! You need to socialize more anyway 💕”
I didn’t cancel it because people were already on their way, but I was PISSED. Had to clean, cook, host, deal with drunk uncles I didn’t even want to see. Then after everyone left, I cleaned again, took care of her dog, and when she came back Sunday, she just said, “Thanks for everything! Everyone said you were a great host!”
So I told her I’m not doing favors for her anymore. No more housesitting, no more errands, nothing. She started crying, said I was being selfish and ungrateful, and that she “only wanted me to feel included.”
Now my family’s kind of split. Some people say she totally crossed the line and used me, but others think I should “cut her some slack because she’s my mom.”
So yeah, AITAO for putting up a boundary after being blindsided like that?
TL;DR: Mom asked me to housesit, secretly planned a big BBQ at her place, and told everyone I was hosting. I had to run the whole thing without warning. I told her I’m done helping her, and now she says I’m ungrateful.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I’m not doing favors for her anymore after she tricked me into hosting a BBQ without telling me. I agreed to housesit for the weekend, and she planned a whole party at her house while she was gone—invited 30 people and didn’t say a word to me. I only found out the day of, when a cousin called to ask if I was ready. I ended up hosting and cleaning up everything. I might be the asshole because I cut her off from any help afterward, and now she’s upset and says I’m being selfish and ungrateful. I’m wondering if I overreacted by going no-contact with helping her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. What your mom did was incredibly inconsiderate to you. You are right to not do favors for her anymore, or at least until she apologizes and demonstrates she won’t take advantage of you.
Frankly, you should have simply have left her house when you found out about the BBQ. While your mom shouldn’t take advantage of you, you also need to stand up for yourself.
I have a family member like this except a lot less tolerable. If they invite you anywhere, it’s so that you can wait on them and cook for them while they allegedly host a party. They invited us on” vacation” a couple of times and I told my family I didn’t want to go because I knew what was going to happen but sure enough we went and all they did was treat my mother like a maid That was supposed to cook and clean for them and stay in the background. Nobody got to have any fun. The entire holiday was wasted on an ungrateful and evil disgusting person who can’t even fake being grateful for anything.They’re mean as a rattlesnake, entitled, judgmental and about as untrustworthy as Satan himself. to answer the question, no you are not.
NTA That is downright bizarre, to plan an event and leave you on the hook. Honestly I would have canceled the party, told everyone she was out of town and unavailable. Period. She’s very lucky you went along with it.
And after putting you in that jackpot, of course you can refuse to do things in the future. And as for the relatives who disagree? That’s the short list of who your Mom can call the next time she needs someone to use. They will change their tune.
I would not have cleaned up but left her the mess!
NTA-Your Mom is another story. This is not doing your mom favors. She is manipulating you and controlling your responses by hiding behind (but I am your mother.) What her end game was in having set up this party and not tell you, I cannot fathom. What if you had plans and family members were inconvenienced because of her stupidity? What if you were sick, or had to help a friend? Do yourself a favor NOW and take control over your life. Helping Mom if she asks for help hanging a shelf is fine, but then if she expects you to hang a bunch of shelves and paint them without even asking you is where you say, “You asked for help with a shelf. I am done. Good bye” You cannot change nor control her, you can change and control only yourself. Good Luck!|
I would have taken the dog and left to my own home prior to guest showing up for the BBQ! NTA
NTA
You’ve already cut her a heap of slack because she’s your mum. You’re more than entitled to say “NO MORE!!” at this point.
NTA.
Wanting you to “feel included” would’ve been extending you an invitation to her BBQ, not forcing you to throw one.
NTA, Tell the family and guest the FULL story and let your mother suffer the consequences.
NTA. Your mom pulled a fast one on you. Telling her No More is sensible if you value your mental health. Who does shit like that anyway?? She dumped all that work on you with no warning & expected you to grin & bear it >:( Besides, she is using manipulative tactics to guilt you about how angry you are. You have every right to be pissed off about the stunt she pulled. Stand firm with her. Unless you like being bamboozled on the regular. Because you know she’ll do it again.
NTA… you have to keep this boundary. Until you do, she will always walk all over you. Make yourself your priority.
NTA if it were me in that situation I would’ve told my family from the moment they arrived that this was forced on me and I didn’t know it was happening so they will have to cook for and clean up after themselves. No further work will be done by me except the work I signed up to do not what she volunteered me for without my knowledge.
You’re the major arsehole to yourself. I’d have let them party and left it all marinating for her return to clean up. All the mess. Not your circus not your monkies.
This is bizarre behavior
NTA that’s so weird??? Like, I can’t even wrap my head around someone doing that. In your shoes, I might have pretended I didn’t know and left to “run errands” at the time the BBQ was supposed to start. Left the door locked and lights off. “Accidentally” had my phone on silent for an hour or so. Then, when I “just now noticed” the massive amounts of texts coming through, I would have told my mom to tell everyone why you weren’t there to host- she just plain never told you and so you were unavailable.
People think this is real?
Nta. That is some far field shit right there.and i absolutely wouldve canceled
Who cares what your family thinks about anything. These people didn’t leave when they found out she tricked you so they’re the exact same.
She used up your goodwill. Let her cry. NTA.
I’d have taken her dog and left the house for the day for some fun with the dog. Dog park? Sure. Want a pup cup buddy? Let’s go.
You were her event coordinator. Send her a bill for running her event for her.
You are so kind, sweet. I would have put away the leftovers and not cleaned up. Lincoln freed the slaves. And Cinderella married the prince. Done.
NTA, I wouldnt have cleaned a damn thing and let her come back to the mess she volunteered you for. I would have enjoyed the BBQ and then just relaxed the rest of the weekend.
Go no contact for at least a year till maybe she gets a clue. You should not have hosted anything. Sent people home. You should have embarrassed her. She’ll never learn.
I would have left the mess
NTA just because she’s your mom doesn’t make it ok to be disrespectful. Why do people want to excuse bad behavior just because it’s family?! No.
I wouldn’t have cleaned before or after the party. You’re a better soul than I am.
NTA