Hi all,
I (F21), and my boyfriend (M22), have been dating for a little over a year now.
In the beginning, he was the most wonderful boyfriend ever. He got me flowers regularly, and we went on dates every weekend and even during the week sometimes. He’s such a compassionate, thoughtful, and selfless person. I am a full-time student with a full-time job, and he is a part-time student with a full-time job. We have always had a more traditional male-female relationship dynamic.
He’s been my first everything, and I have been the same for him. We grew extremely close within just the first couple months of our relationship, and I can’t imagine a future without him. Now that it’s been almost a year and a half, things have changed significantly.
Just three months ago or so, I moved out of my mom’s house to escape her bipolar and borderline personality (I did indeed inherit bipolar II from her). The great thing about this is that my boyfriend and I have been able to have privacy and more time together since we dont have to depend on familial absence to be present with one another. He still lives with his family (3 siblings, his mom, his aunt, and sometimes his cousin). The bad thing about this is that recently, he has become withdrawn from me. He loves computers and sports, and I often play games with him when he can’t come visit.
He no longer makes much of an effort with me. I see him once a week if he feels like it, and it usually goes like this: he shows up around 730pm, we have sex, he’s too tired to do anything, and he goes to sleep. The next day he sleeps until 130pm, we might have sex again, and then he goes home to study for his one class. He always complains about being tired and having no energy, and his care for his personal appearance has slipped- I’ve told him that I recognize signs of depression in him and he needs to get help. He insists that he will, but never has. He only ever has the energy to have sex, but nothing else. Dont get me wrong– our sex life is wonderful, and we lost our virginity to each other within a month– but I feel that is all we do now. Lately on the weekends he has preferred to instead play computer games with me rather than see me in person.
I am diagnosed bipolar and have once attempted suicide, so I understand what depression feels like. He is overworked at his job, but won’t make the effort to find somewhere else. He interviewed and got offers from two different places, but decided he didnt want to go through the trouble of adapting to a new environment, and so is still at his miserable job. I always let him know that he can talk to me about anything, and I support him with my entire heart– but I cant do the legwork for him to make changes.
I have also had issues recently regarding my mother and my job, and it has caused emotional imbalances in me. When I talk to my boyfriend about any of these things, he says absolutely nothing. He stays quiet until I change the subject. This last weekend he went to visit family for his cousin’s birthday out-of-state, and he seemed the happiest he’s been in a long time. He also got a cool new OLED monitor for his computer setup, and said that he wanted to see me but he’s been waiting on this OLED monitor for a long time and wants to try it out– so after a week of not seeing him, he sort of chose to spend time with the computer instead.
So here’s my question– what should I do? I love him so much, but I’ve become so lonely that I cry myself to sleep every night. He’s all I have. He is more than excited to spend time with his family, or his computer, or his friends and sports; but when it comes to me, he can’t really be bothered anymore. I just want to feel loved again. I dont want to break it off, but I feel like a dog begging for scraps.
TL;DR:
Couple dating for over a year, everything wonderful for a while. Over the last three months, boyfriend has made little-to-no effort and is likely battling depression, but is taking no steps to get better. Girlfriend feels hopeless about the situation.