So I started dating a guy a little bit ago and everything is going absolutely great between us. The thing is though, I used to identify as a trans guy for two years and its as of recent that I realized it wasn’t who I really felt like and after some consideration it was pretty easy to switch up because I was only socially transitioned to a relatively small group friends. We met at a time where I was freshly detransitioned so I didn’t bother telling him. I feel like he has every right to know and I don’t know how to not make a big deal out of me being trans previously because I love him dearly and can’t afford to lose him.
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I feel like “I used to not think I was cisgender but then it turned out I was” isn’t really that serious. Sure mention it, but doesn’t seem like a big deal to me.
What do you hope to accomplish by telling him? Why does he have every right to know?
Just tell him and not make a big deal out of it. If that causes him to leave you (I don’t think it will because if he really likes you, it’s not gonna matter) do you really wanna be with him anyway?
I’m for transparency, and I think I’d tell him, but I also feel like this isn’t a huge deal considering you never physically transitioned. When you were transitioned, did you have a different style? Different hair, clothes, look, etc? I only ask because I feel like if you did, it’ll only be a matter of time until he finds out himself.
I would just tell him that there is something you need to talk to him about, and tell him that in the past you thought you were trans and now realize that’s not how you really feel. Just explain it to him in a way that makes him realize that let’s him know you love him and if he loves you he won’t care. He may have questions, and if he does just answer them truthfully.
Your journey is valid, and is a part of you that you need to feel comfortable sharing. Don’t look at it as if you’ve held something from him, just as a thing that hadn’t had its moment to be discussed
he doesnt have every right to know, dont intentionally hide it from him but its none of his business honestly. if you went through a trad goth phase he wouldnt DESERVE to know about it, cuz hes not entitled to your past. if you want to tell him, id open with being clear its not how you identify anymore, it doesnt make you transphobic now, and that its shouldnt be a factor in your relationship.
if you guys were further along in ur relationship id say tell him just because its a long period of your life, but he REALLY doesnt need to know the details of your personal relationship w ur gender
Back in my day we used to call that being a tom boy and it was never a big deal. Just tell him if it’s really bothering you
Hey, I just want to say this with kindness and no judgment — I really think something as important as being trans is something that should be shared early on, ideally before a relationship gets serious. Not because there’s anything wrong with being trans, but because everyone deserves to enter a relationship with honesty and full understanding. It can really affect trust if something this significant comes out later, even if it’s not meant to be deceptive. I know it can be scary or hard to talk about, but giving someone the chance to know the full picture from the beginning is the most respectful thing for both people involved.
If it comes out naturally ofc tell him but ehats the rush? Also if u think hes gonna have an issue w that maybe hes not the one lol
You don’t? You AREN’T trans by your own admission, there’s nothing to tell
If the only thing that changed in your life was a small group of your friends was calling you a male name, that’s like… a nickname. “I used to think I might be trans but it turned out I wasn’t” should cover it.
Imo, who you were and what you did before you met this person is your private info to divulge only when/if you want to.
unless you are a convicted felon or have a transmissible disease, your past should be irrelevant to the person you are with.
If you want to share destransitioning with him as a means for him to better understand who you are now, go for it.
If you think you “owe him” the information, reconsider it until you are happy to share your story.
I’m confused. If you were trans I would understand the want to tell him. But you’re not. You want to tell him “Hey at one point I thought I was trans and then I realised I wasn’t so here I am, the gender I was given at birth, just like you thought I was anyway, surprise.” I don’t really understand the need to tell him?
I don’t think it’s a huge deal or deal breaker because as you said it was only 2 years and you detransitioned
If you FEEL like telling him because you think its a huge secret or something just say you were a tomboy
Tell him before a friend does.
When you date someone, it is not a requirement that you list every single thing you have done or been in your life before him. It has no bearing on who you are today, it really isn’t anyone’s business, and it shouldn’t change anything to him. This sounds like a convo for maybe a year into a marriage when you drop that you experimented with being a male for a bit….then you both laugh about it and he says yeah, I could see that.
It is not a big deal so don’t feel obligated to share at all.
I mean idk if you “have” to tell him (if you don’t want to.) if you do not want to, I think it’s fine to leave the past in the past. That has no bearing on your relationship with him. If you want to tell him, I don’t think it’s a big deal if you don’t make it one. IF it is a big deal to him then he isn’t the one for you anyways. Best off luck either way. But please remember that your past of being trans and transitioning back doesn’t take away from your worth and anyone who makes you feel like it does isn’t worth knowing. ❤️
You were exploring your gender identity. You can say that, and if he asks for more specifics, you can say you identified as a male for a while socially, and if he still wants more details you can go into what that specifically looked like for you. I don’t think it’s really a big deal. You explored something and realized it wasn’t what you actually wanted.
Im sure it’ll be scary, but being open and honest will be the best route. What’s meant for you will stay! Good luck OP!
I don’t see the point on telling him, unless it is to gauge what he thinks about trans people. Or if he talks badly about trans people.
I wouldn’t recommend dating someone who speaks poorly about trans people, tho.
It’s not necessary, imo; it’s not your identity any more (‘dead name’ for a reason.)
And the only reason it would have been a safety concern is if you had a penis.
Cheers for exploring your gender identity! Good luck!
I think this is one of those cases where the “cover-up” could be a bigger problem than the original issue. Should he find out, and he will if he sticks around. You, your family, or your friends have pictures, there will be conversations about your past lives, etc.
I think it’s fairly common these days to explore your gender and only to resolve it as you approach adulthood. Kids are trying on a variety of genders like a new outfit after summer vacation.
I can’t see how it makes any difference to anything. You’ve not had surgery or anything I assume? What is there to tell?
So, you’ve got some gender fluidity. Big whoop. Just tell them.
though I dont think keeping things from your partner is a good idea, I dont think this one is a MUST tell. I dont know him so I dont know how he’ll react and I’m also 39 so idk how a person 19 would react… to me it would be an interesting topic, to someone more conservative it might be a deal breaker. I think it would be more serious if you were born genetically male and transitioned to a female, and he didnt know. But I dont think he’ll care about this. But dont beat yourself up, this isnt the same as say cheating or something like that. If yall are both happy, dont go searching for things to mess it up.
Cheers.
Damn aren’t u shit bag should told him first time he asked u out no offense put ur a pos
There are several concerning elements of your post. You’re very young to think you “can’t afford to lose” your bf. Trans, the way you define it, was a temporary phase that did not involve biological changes, so I see no reason to talk about this with your bf. Try living in the present and looking forward if this is a relationship that’s so wonderful, and don’t muck it up living in the past when you were 16y and didn’t know your head from your ass while you were going through adolescence.
Don’t mention it unless you want to. Teenagers are by definition, experimental. You were quite literally in a phase.
“I was confused in my teen years and experimented with the idea of gender. I think I figured our my identity now.”
Agree you could tell him as it’s a significant event in your life but if he has a ‘bad’ reaction that says more about him than you. Would be a good litmus test.
You’re cis
For a moment in time you thought you weren’t
But you were and you are cis
There’s really nothing to tell
If you feel that you might be trans and transitioning to a man is on the table in the future then I think it’s an important conversation to have.
But similar to a guy that kissed another guy and thought he might be bi but realized he wasn’t, prior to his current partner, I don’t think there is any obligation for him to tell his gf that at one time he thought he might be bi but that he isn’t.
If you’re worried that someone might call you Johnny in front of your bf when your name is Melissa, you can always just say you went by Johnny for a while with your close friends — but since it sounds like you only ever tried some social transitioning with a small private group, it doesn’t seem like there is much risk of this.
If you want to talk about it and tell him, nothing wrong with that. But I think it’s important for you to feel just as comfortable keeping your private life prior to your bf private – that is your right and it has zero impact whatsoever on him (unless he is transphobic in which case no need to disclose it to him and you should find someone better)
I don’t know if even worth telling him. It was before you were with him, and you were basically just a cross-dresser and confused it sounds like