My bf (30M) and I (28F) have been together 2 years and have had lots of discussions, usually leading into fights, about our sex life. He has a low libido due to medication he’s on. It has got worse and we’re now intimate maybe once very two months. But the lack of intimacy and other aspects (such as not complimenting me, making jokes about how vaginas are gross, checking out hot girls on Instagram, continuing to watch porn occasionally, getting angry when I try to talk about intimacy, being uncomfortable at my attempts to improve intimacy such as wearing lingerie etc.) have left me feeling very undesirable and unattractive.
Our most recent talk about intimacy was more calm and I thought that it was moving in the right direction. I emphasized that I needed to see some initiative from his end to improve things because I’ve been patient and haven’t seen any initiative for over a year. Which make me feel he doesn’t care. He seemed to be receptive to this and we got into discussing how intimacy is making him feel anxious. One thing he pointed out was that making me finish makes him anxious. At the time I didn’t think much of this – I think we all worry about pleasing out partner. He’s never made me finish on his own without a toy. However I’ve thought about it for a week now and this doesn’t add up to me.
If he was anxious about making me finish, I’m confused as to why he doesn’t really seem to try to. For example, I’ve often had to ask him to touch me for longer than a couple minutes; usually have to ask him to finger me; he doesn’t give me head; have tried to give him tips like “go slower” but he sighs and seems to get annoyed; have asked for aftercare but nothing really happens. When we’re intimate it feels quite rushed and I just want to slow down and enjoy the moment together sometimes. To me all these things point to the opposite, that he doesn’t really care about my pleasure – they don’t indicate that me finishing is something he is worried about. If he was worried about this, wouldn’t he want to try anything to help? Do some research to learn (I’ve asked he read come as you are several times)? I’ve even offered to show him how I make myself finish to help him learn, but he doesn’t seem interested.
Is he just telling me that making me finish makes him anxious so he can do less and I accept less? I’m really confused. His pleasure is really important to me and I don’t know how to communicate to him that my pleasure needs to be important to him too, and that I need to see that through his actions. Does anyone have any advice on how to talk about this with him? I’m worried he’s just going to see it as an attack and think I’m calling him a liar. Would asking to go back to the basics and learn what I like offend him?
TL;DR bf (30M) and I (28F) aren’t intimate often and he says he’s anxious about making me finish. But his actions show me the opposite. How should I talk to him about this?
Comments
Could he just not be straight? Why would you ever share your vagina with someone who makes jokes that they are gross? I think he really just doesn’t enjoy sex with women.
Otherwise his actions show he is not a person mature enough to be in a sexual relationship. You are trying so hard, but he needs to do some growing up. It’s not possible to have a healthy sex life with someone who gets angry when you bring up sex.
Yeah his words and actions don’t add up. I’ve heard of men who feel making their girlfriend orgasm is an annoyance, but this is the first where I’ve heard a thirty year old man nervous about making his girlfriend climax. Most enjoy the ego trip of succeeding there.
When you have sex, does he expect you to make him finish?
If there’s some underlying reason sex is difficult or uncomfortable for him, be it trauma or asexuality, he needs to communicate that so you at least have something to work with. If he can’t communicate something that makes sense or show any sign of consideration towards you, I don’t see this ever improving.