My mom has been constantly bored and miserable since she is not working right now. She is an alcoholic and smokes, so she just sits around doing this and occasionally watches tv (mind you it’s the same shows over and over again). She has no hobbies. She refuses to do new things and learn.
Today she told me she was bored and I suggested we try a round of a card game that’s never been opened. She said “no.” I said “it’s okay, I wasn’t really expecting a yes. You don’t like to do much.”
Now she’s been sobbing for two hours straight and saying i’m hurting her and that I make her feel like a terrible person. She won’t even look at me. AITA?
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My mom has been constantly bored and miserable since she is not working right now. She is an alcoholic and smokes, so she just sits around doing this and occasionally watches tv (mind you it’s the same shows over and over again). She has no hobbies. She refuses to do new things and learn.
Today she told me she was bored and I suggested we try a round of a card game that’s never been opened. She said “no.” I said “it’s okay, I wasn’t really expecting a yes. You don’t like to do much.”
Now she’s been sobbing for two hours straight and saying i’m hurting her and that I make her feel like a terrible person. She won’t even look at me. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because of the choice of words I used to express my feelings towards my mom. I don’t know if it was rude because of the way she reacted to my statement.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: How old are you and how old is your mother?
NTA but it sounds like your mom is depressed, hope she gets the help she needs 🩷🩷
I mean yeah, YTA. You intentionally said something to hurt your mom’s feelings and you succeeded. If that was your goal you did it.
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NTA. She sounds like she is experiencing depression. I wonder if it would be possible for you to find group activities that you wouldn’t mind going to, and invite her along. That way if she refuses you can talk about how much fun you had and if she gets all weepy/emotionally manipulative tell her you are sorry that she didn’t come with you. Reiterate that you’d love if she went with you. If she complains you don’t spend time with her, tell her that she can easily change that by going with you. I would hope that if you can get her out of the house and involved in something else (maybe volunteer work?) her mood will improve and she will feel better about herself and maybe not need to smoke and drink so much.
Why did you need to say that? YTA.
Perhaps She’s depressed. Perhaps She needs therapy. It’s actually normal after the newness wears away from retiring to all of a sudden feel needless. She went from being a full time mom while working and when she became an empty nester she was still working and felt self worth. Now an empty nester AND retired she feels like she has no worth.
I went through this myself. Now I am a proud full timer gamer and that keeps me busy. And it’s fun for me because now I have other people to play with and such. But therapy helped me recognize that drinking and smoking and watching whatever hit the tv was not enough for me.
YTA, that was unnecessary
NTA your mom should not put u thru this
How about going on vacation with her? A change in environment will help a little..
NTA, i agree with some of the other posts I read that suggest that your mom might be depressed.She’s definitely depressed sounding. Can you think of any activities outside of the house that you can remember her being happy doing?
It’s so hot now during the summer. I wonder if maybe she wouldn’t enjoy going to a splash pad or something. I know it may sound like a childish activity. However, the cold rushing water can feel great to anybody even adults I promise.
My mom was also seemingly always depressed and it was hard to get her to smile as well. I often had to resort to putting grasshoppers down the back of her shirt or squirting her with squirt guns. Yes, I know. They are childish pranks, but they would make her happy and pull her out of her stupors sometimes
NTA she’s depressed and has an addiction. What you said was not intended to be hurtful or out of hate. She’s crying because she had to face what she is and is doing to her life. She’s crying because the truth hurts.
Here is something simple you can do with your Mom “go for a ride in the car”
Nta. Sounds like my mom, before she died 😒. No job, smoking, drinking, law and order SVU constantly on the TV, and always on POGO (the gambling website) the difference is, she’d get pissed when I didnt wanna spend time with her (oh wow. A 12/13 year old who doesn’t wanna spend time with her alcoholic mother, who smokes around her despite the child’s asthma, thus making it almost impossible to breathe. What a shocker. /s)
I’m gonna go with NTA but it’s definitely a case of foot in mouth. Sorry to hear your mom’s going through a tough time, but sadly you can’t help someone that won’t help themselves. Keep offering to hang out where you think you can, and if she says no, she says no. Just say okay and leave it alone. I read in the comments that you’re out of school and starting to look for work to move out, and I’d say just focus on accomplishing that and getting yourself set for success. Maybe you can test the waters by suggesting some form of rehab or therapy for the drinking and depression, but it sounds like she’s not receptive to help right now. Unfortunately that’s about all you can do in a situation like this
I mean what was the point of saying it? You’re not an asshole but it’s one of those think before you speak things: is it kind, honest, helpful? You hurt her feelings because it was a negative thing that didn’t need to be said. Sounds like she has bad depression. It’s not your problem and you don’t have to help her or deal with it but dont make it worse by reacting poorly when she doesn’t accept it. Start with something small just have her sit outside with you. If youre comfortable offer to brush her hair. Offer to take her for a drive. Basically do stuff that she doesn’t have to actively do something.
You said something unnecessary that made your depressed mom feel worse – do you think you’re the asshole?
NTA. You were just calling it as you see it, and speaking your truth. You didn’t abuse or belittle your mum by what you said.
For what it’s worth, I’m as old as dirt, and have cared for a family member with bipolar 2 (so LOTS of extended depressive episodes) for 20 years. I’ve also struggled with my own anxiety and depression for almost 40 years, and my late husband once said the same thing (almost word for word) to me as you said to your mum.
I knew that I was dragging him down and ultimately frustrating him with my inability to participate in things we used to do together, but I needed to hear the truth out of his own mouth before I got serious about working towards improving my mental health.
I agree with other commenters who have said that your mum’s tears come from realising just how low she has sunk. She allowed that to happen, not you. Only she can fix it. It’s not your job to parent her or to protect her from the consequences of her (lack of) actions.
Yes it will be bloody hard, but there is no other way besides her putting in the work to help herself. Of course she will need your support, but sometimes that support will be offering a fun distraction to elevate her mood and activate her body – and sometimes that support will mean holding up a “mirror” to show her how bad it has become and how it’s affecting you.
Just to repeat, you are NTA in any way. Please make sure that you have support for your own mental health, by posting here, calling free helplines in your area, or anyone else you might be able to talk to.
Good luck in your job hunt!! You got this.
No, I wish she would appreciate your love. Some children abandon or belittle their parents.
I’m sorry she doesn’t recognize your love and concern.❤️
YTA you knew saying that was petty. It was unnecessary. You could’ve just taken the no and moved on. Instead you said something to jab at your mom who seems to be depressed.
Sounds like my Mom. Huffing Salem 100’s and pounding beers. Take her out for a ride. Get her out of the house. Take a trip to the Senior Center. Even if she won’t get out of the car, still go in. Other oldsters will come out and coax her in. You have to get her out of her rut and depression.
As a kid of an alcoholic who didn’t like to do much (because it was too people-y) suggest going for a drive to see something pretty. Back roads or what not, go get “lost”. It gets her out of the house but doesn’t require much more than gas. Good luck!
NTA
My Mom has found activities and friends to keep her company… as well as myself…. and other family…. granted, my Mom does not drink or smoke…. but when home, the TV does not shut off…. but thats mostly at night…. we also do stuff…. but really remind your Mom the dangers of doing nothing… and that too much TV rots your brain, smoking rots your lungs, and drinking rots your liver…..
NTA but the smack on the ass she may need to snap out of her funk. Sounds like she need some tough love
NTA and honestly I am surprised by some of these comments. She is an alcoholic that sits around and does nothing but drink and smoke. That’s not a good mom. You should not mince words with an addict depressed or not. I say this as someone who has been sober 4 years. It was hearing the truth that finally woke me up and gave me the motivation to get sober. Alcohol is a depressant. It is not uncommon for an alcoholic to be depressed. Your mom is probably crying because she feels guilty. I hope she gets the help she needs.
Was this actually a surprise?
NTA but she’s depressed and probably doesn’t even know it. I would try not to offer an activity and then make a backhanded negative comment when she says no. She can’t ‘make’ herself’ want to participate. She’s very likely crying because she wants to do it with you but can’t make her body and mind participate and it’s frustrating and upsetting and then she feels guilty. Instead, when she says no, say okay, no problem or maybe we can try it later etc.