I (F20) and my boyfriend (M21) have been together for 8 months, but we’ve been sleeping together for about 3 years (we had a weird on/off thing before our relationship).
In all this time, I’ve never had an orgasm during sex, foreplay, oral sex, etc. I should mention that I’ve never had an orgasm caused by anyone else (other partners). The only orgasms I’ve ever had in my life were always self-induced. In the 3 years I’ve known my partner, I’ve faked an orgasm almost every time. I feel really bad about it because he tries so hard and does everything I like, but I still never climax. It feels kind of nice, but that’s it. Sometimes I don’t feel anything at all. I know that most women don’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. But I don’t even climax from clitoral stimulation (unless I do it myself).
I find it really unfortunate; I’d love to enjoy sex as much as my partner does, but I often don’t even feel real desire. This doesn’t mean I sleep with my partner when I absolutely don’t want to, but rather that I rarely feel that sense of lust (libido).
I just don’t know how to deal with this. Sometimes I even think something’s wrong with me. I’m not sure whether I should confess to my partner that I’ve never had an orgasm. I think it would hurt him a lot, and I’m afraid he’d see me as a liar because I’ve so often lied about having an orgasm. I also don’t really know what telling him would change. I don’t think it would suddenly make me able to have an orgasm, and he’s already doing everything I like. Maybe someone has some good advice for me?
TL;DR
Me (F20) and my boyfriend (M21) have been in a relationship for 8 months but have had an on/off sexual relationship for 3 years. I‘ve never had an orgasm with him or any other partner, only through self-stimulation, and have been faking orgasms for years. Despite my boyfriend’s efforts to please me, I don’t climax during sex or foreplay (including clitoral stimulation) and often feel little to no sexual desire (libido). I‘m struggling with feelings of guilt, wondering if something is wrong with me, and I am unsure whether to tell my partner about faking orgasms, fearing it might hurt him or damage trust. I‘m seeking advice on how to handle this situation, as I want to enjoy sex but feel stuck and uncertain about next steps.
Comments
yes. lying to your partner isn’t great. and he’s never going to get better if you keep lying to him.
it’s going to be an awkward conversation, for sure, but it’s a necessary one. hopefully he doesn’t get defensive about it, and instead listens and is understanding.
Yes. If you can fuck him, you should be able to discuss anything about it with him. Or any subject for that matter.
Instead of telling him, start with not faking having one. When he asks if it’s happened, “no but I have an idea” you are now in the driver’s seat. If he doesn’t ask “hey I’m not done…” say what you want to happen. No good will come from having a blunt conversation about it.
If you don’t tell him you’ll NEVER get anything out of it. He will keep thinking he’s doing fine and thus won’t feel a need to change in a way beneficial to you. And he can’t even be blamed for it, how’s he supposed to know? If you tell him he can match your wants better. But he can’t improve what he doesn’t know needs improvement.
Communication, still the most important skill couples can cultivate.
I think you should tell him 👍 I’ve been in a relationship I’m M46, & my partner was very, very anxious. Not about intimacy, just a nervous person. She would get psyched out.
She was very, VERY difficult to bring to orgasm.
However, teamwork is everything. & I told her how serious I was about giving her pleasure & that she came first in the relationship.
We talked, we tried a few things that she was previously too shy to ask for & our success rate went up by like, 75%. Not perfect but it was better & more satisfying for both of us 🤗
Good luck!
It’s going to be a tough conversation. You’ve been repeatedly lying to him for 3 years. He’s, likely, going to be upset. Give him time to process the information after you present it. Don’t try to justify the lies, just own them, apologize, promise to do better and allow him his space to decide what he wants to do. It may take him awhile to forgive you and that’s ok. He may not forgive you. Prepare for that real possibility.
But, all in all, deciding to come clean is a very mature and responsible decision. Regardless oh what happens, you’re doing the right thing now. It shows growth as a person and it’s one thing to be proud of.
Best of luck to you!