I (27M) am very passionate about cooking. I’m not a professional chef by any means, but it’s one of my favorite hobbies. I love the act of creating food, but sharing it is what’s really special to me, whether it’s something I’ve made or a nice meal at a restaurant.
My girlfriend (27F) is pretty picky. She won’t even touch a majority of the things I cook or split most meals at restaurants, and that’s fine. It’s the way she’s been reacting to other people enjoying my food that bothers me.
A good friend of mine, Jace (34M), is a truck driver. I don’t get to see him as often as I would like, but when he comes home I always make it a point to feed him well.
It’s fun for me to plan. It’s also really fulfilling in a way? It makes me feel this sense of warmth, making something for him. I know that being on the road so much can be tough, so when he’s here I want him to feel grounded and at peace. Basically, I’m giving this man all the comfort food.
Jace is always so appreciative and makes jokes about coming home to his “wife.” He should be back home in just a few days and I mentioned to my fiancée that I had a whole menu planned. She got upset and basically told me that she didn’t like how I went “above and beyond” for him.
I’ve held my ground and said it’s important to me, but her comments have started feeling a little less aimed at her own discomfort and moreso just derogatory towards me. AITAH for wanting to keep cooking for him?
Comments
It’s probably not so much the food… it sounds like your girlfriend feels threatened by your relationship with the truck driver.
Your NTAH, but I can only stand my ground against my wife for so long until things get crazy lol.
Do what makes you happy, especially if it makes other people happy.
NTA
NTA it is fundamentally toxic for someone to try to disrupt a friendship. However, I do think you should let your friend know he can’t call you his wife anymore.
NTA…
I don’t quite understand why she is acting jealous over you using your love language to be kind to your friend.
Is she upset that she doesnt appreciate your efforts the same way? If she truly loved you, she would be proud of your skills.
This is worth discussing.
She demeans something you are passionate about. You don’t try to force your love of cooking on her so why does it bother her that someone else enjoys what you make. NTA
NTA for cooking for a friend – but dude, you’re not talking about him like a friend. Not even in this post. I get why she’s weirded out. I think you may need to sort out your feelings and communicate directly with both of them about what’s what once you know. But yeah – doesn’t sound just friendly.
She sounds jealous and immature. You are doing nothing wrong. This is your friend and this is such a sweet kind gesture. I wish I had friends like this.
Your girlfriend sounds like a real downer, tbh.
NTA.
This is a preview of your future life and how she’s going to act. I’d think long and hard about this relationship, and if this is what you want and how you want to be treated.
It sounds like your gf is an A H who has a problem with you being kind to other people and having good relationships with them. You said she has issue with how other people (plural) enjoy your food, so it’s not just him, and she’s weirdly jealous. This is going to manifest itself in other areas. It’s usually a sing of wanting to isolate someone so she is your only focus and priority and you don’t care about others much or have others to turn to if ish hits the fan with her.
This isn’t going to end well if she’s weird about something like this. It’s not even her business, why does she care? Does she live with you? Maybe she doesn’t need to come over when he’s there, and if you live together, maybe you don’t need to.
Your gf is sad and pathetic. Stick to your guns and passion and have fun cooling for your friend.
You’re not going to build him an art room are you?
The way you talk about feeding Jayce makes me think that youre actually a woman feeding a man, but also that this is emotional cheating to some degree.
In any event, if you feel this fulfilled by taking care of someone with your cooking and your finance doesn’t eat anything at all maybe youre just with the wrong person
You possess that wonderful sense of hospitality & showing those you care about how much you care. That’s a beautiful trait to have & your GF obviously doesn’t share that
Keep cooking, bro! I also love to cook and get actual joy out of seeing others enjoy a dish I’ve made or a meal I’ve put effort into. It’s a great feeling. Stand your ground and don’t let her take that from you.
Your GF definitely has the problem. It’s not you. And no, I doubt it’s because your friend calls you his wife.
For some reason, she despises the joy you get from cooking for others. She sounds selfish and controlling. Stingy with love.
I also love cooking for others as it brings me so much joy when others love what I made. The feeling is the best!
Are you attracted to Jace? If show you need to tell her. I mean a 7 year age difference is odd unless you and Jace were close growing up. Any background is appreciated for better context. As a forcibly retired chef (partly disabled) I can’t figure on cooking intentionally for anyone who I don’t have intimate feelings for. And there are six chefs in my family so not a problem for gatherings. Keep us updated
This sounds less about the food and more about the effort and thought you put into this friendship perhaps making her question if you’re prioritizing her a similar way?
Is there something nonfood related you put this much energy into doing for your gf? Planning dates, romantic evenings, things you know she likes?
I know you enjoy making food for others but have you taken the time to learn how your gf feels most loved and appreciated? And then do/facilitated that for her?
Do you have the same level of energy for helping your gf “feel grounded and at peace” when she’s had a rough day at work or in general?
NTA
This reminds me of that movie with Scarlett Johansson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I forgot what it was called, but he’s dating Scarlett Johansson and when she finds out that he cleans his own apartment she gets angry. She thinks it’s not ‘masculine’ and gets mad at him.
I’m guessing your girlfriend doesn’t fully appreciate what goes into cooking a real meal. Honestly, I can guarantee it if she’s a picky eater and doesn’t have a taste for most foods.
As silly as it sounds, you guys might not be compatible long-term. Especially if she is getting super hung up on this.
My husband is an amazing cook. It’s one of the things I absolutely adored about him when I first met him. To me, it showed that he was a real adult! He took the time to learn a skill to support himself. He didn’t make a living off it, he just didn’t want to survive off boxed food or take out. And I loved that.
Your girlfriend might have a limited view on what it means to be an adult. She might be shallow is what I’m getting at. She might think cooking is beneath her.
I get it, I’m more excited about cooking for appreciative people. Especially when they make happy noises when eating.
Your girlfriend sounds jealous and a bit controlling. So wish that I, too, had a friend who made yummy meal a for me! I’m a smidge envious myself.
NTA
nta. your fiancée sounds incredibly insecure and that’s on her. the fact that she’s bothered by a healthy friendship says a lot. I would stand my ground here too, but, personally, I would also rethink my relationship with someone like that. there seems to be some major incompatibility.
I think it sounds weird. YTA
My husband loves loves loves to cook and he is good at it. I don’t always love what he makes but I am so gracious and grateful when he cooks. 1 it makes him happy 2. Friends and family enjoy themselves so much more when they come over haha 3. It gets me out of cooking. The fact that you cooking for anyone bothers her, especially out of kindness is so bizarre to me. She is harboring a grudge and resentment and I doubt it has to do with food. The other possibility is she is just so jealous of you being good at something or jealous and threatened that other people appreciate your talent. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA
What are you doing to go “above and beyond” for your girlfriend to make her feel (more) special? Food won’t do it for her, so what other things are you doing for her?
NTA – If she doesn’t even eat what you cook, why does she care what you make for other people?
This was actually the plot to a King of Queen’s episode
NTA. She is jealous. You doing something special for this guy she probably thinks you’re in love of them but the problem is you like to do stuff you need to be making this food for her but she apparently is Little Miss picky and won’t eat anything you make. She’s a fool. I love it when my husband cooks for me, Which luckily in my case is the most of the time. Every now and then I’ll think of something for dinner where I do the main part of it and he does all the sides.
So I think you need to find a girlfriend you can cook for. Nothing wrong with cooking for your friend though you like doing it as long as you’re not having an affair with him I don’t see what the problem is
Your fiance is the AH in this situation. Please keep feeding your friend. I think it’s absolutely beautiful! I wish I had a friend like you.🥰
Edit: after I posted that, I had one of those “a-ha“ moments. She’s not upset about you cooking for your friend. She’s upset because of the amount of time that you spend with him. She’s jealous. And before you say it, I know you don’t spend that much time with him. I think even if you saw him for two hours once every three months she would resent it. That’s just who and what she is.
NTA. She’s trippin. If you have a passion for it, she should be able to understand that. Not your fault she’s picky, and Jace appreciates what you make. Especially in his profession? How many truck drivers have fresh meals that AREN’T from a restaurant?
As long as you know you’d put in that same effort if your partner were down to eat everything you made! I would stand my ground.
it seems like you and your friend have a healthy relationship and she’s….threatened by it? for some reason? NTA, keep feeding that man!
NTA, talk to her though.
I personally could never date let alone marry a picky eater tho
No! you sound like a lovely person who loves to share.
She sounds controllling.
But with the comment by him of “coming home to his wife” maybe shes triggered and had someone cheat in the past but can’t voice it well? I have been the girl in that situation
But anyways she is probably jealous she cant benefit from your love language of service in this way because she is a picky eater. Maybe the relationship is lacking a love language that means most to her? Or acts of service that she enjoys?
Nta, he will probably let you touch his D if you keep cooking.
She sounds like she will bounce when you do.
Find a chick who lets you swing both ways.
NTA. But you gotta set the record straight with your friend to not call you their wife and such so that the line is clear for your current relationship (or the future ones)
Maybe you need a new fiancé. Someone who actually enjoys eating the same food as you.
NTA You two are not compatible just on how you each view food and eating. She seems to have little care about food, you say she is picky. And here you are the opposite in enjoying cooking and eating a wide variety of foods. You find pleasure in food, she does not. She’s already not eating a lot of what you are cooking. Plus she resents you cooking for a friend and is demanding you stop. Are you willing to give up cooking like you’re doing now because this is the next demand. This is not ever going to get better.
I feel like some of the people commenting here don’t have friends or have never experienced intimacy outside of the romantic sense. OP – have you ever given her a reason not to trust you? I love doing things for my friends whenever I am able. It’s different depending on the friend, but I love letting the people I love know that I care about them. It sounds like that’s what OP is doing. His friend is a truck driver, he’s ok the road probably eating shitty food. OP loves to cook and can’t flex his skills for his fiancé and has a passion for cooking. So he feeds his friend who would benefit the most from a homecooked meal. Some of y’all are making what feel like homophobic and sexist comments because OP feeds his friend who he sees infrequently? Seriously? NTA but maybe check in with her and ask why it upsets her. Do she and Jace get along, does she have an issue with him, etc.
NTA. You want to share your passion with someone and since you can’t do so with your gf, you go elsewhere. The truth is that you’re probably not all that compatible.
Cooking people food is my love language.
You keep doing you.
Get that truck driverussy! But no seriously idk maybe she should be less picky and you can cook for her too!
NTA but let me ask you something…
You say she’s picky, and that she hardly eats what you make, but do you cook with her in mind? Like if it’s the 2 of you, do you think about meals that stay away from both your dislikes, or just what sounds good to you that day?
It sounds like she’s jealous…. but i don’t think it’s because of the relationship with ur friend… more so that it sounds like you put alot of effort into these menus… have you done this for her… let alone weekly?
If so then i apologize for assuming the worst, as that is what I’m familiar with. I will also apologize if she is a strickly chicken nuggets/ grilled cheese girl. Some don’t get out of that phase. (My niece is one and drives me insane, I’m tired of the same 3 restaurant choices)
Keep cooking for your friend, but ask her what’s wrong with it. If she’s never joined you in the kitchen maybe ask if she wants to help… sounds weird, but it’s hard to deny the person you love something that makes them so happy… and then the appreciation from the person you made it for 🥰 has she been part of this?
I wish i had her side. I feel like this could be remedied with an honest conversation and maybe a guided conversation….
If your both straight males your gf reaction makes no sense
You helping people makes her feel insecure? You pouring yourself in something other than her threatens her. Let me tell you about the next five years when you have kids and you show them an ounce more attention than her, it ain’t pretty. Squash that shit now. The fact that you would love to cook and dine her but she’s too “picky” to take advantage doesn’t allow her to dictate your hobby.
NTA. Girlfriend needs to stop being a chicken finger baby and expand her horizons. Unless you’re making intestines and pigs feet, that’s her problem not yours.
NTA
Cook for your friend.
She doesn’t appreciate your efforts but sees someone else who does as a threat.
She is telling you something.
She is doing it deliberately. She is deliberately robbing you of your joy.
To her, it’s wrong to go all out for a friend who DOES appreciate your efforts AND she doesn’t want to show you appreciation. Other people show you appreciation and she has a problem with it.
You get excited about cooking for people who enjoy it and she is upset about you getting enjoyment from that BUT she doesn’t appreciate your cooking for her.
Sounds to me like she wants to kill your joy for cooking.
The whys keep playing in my mind –
Does she see cooking as NOT a masculine thing and want to dissuade you from doing it?
Does she want no one else to appreciate you WHILE she doesn’t show you appreciation too?
Does she have a traditional gender stereotype of males and your cooking and getting excited about cooking for your friend threaten those stereotypes?
Is she considerate in other areas of the relationship?
It’s a little insulting for this guy to call you his “wife” because, essentially, you feed him.
It’s a gross stereotype and you can laugh it off because you know you’re not the butt of the joke, but your fiancee might be more sensitive
NTA. Maybe consider if you really want a girlfriend who shits all over your joy.