I’m hoping to get some advice from anyone who has dealt with something similar. I recently had a birthday (21F) and received a gift from my birth family. One of the cards was from my sister, with her phone number and a message saying she’d like to have a relationship.
For context, my birth mother had me when she was around 17. I found my birth family when I was 16 — but not by choice. I discovered my birth mom had been following me online and on social media for about a year without my knowledge.
I had a lot of mixed feelings, especially when I found out I had a full sister who was two years younger than me. My birth mother had never told her family — including my sister and grandmother — about me. My birth parents were really pushy when it came to talking to them, even though I didn’t feel ready. If COVID hadn’t happened, they were going to force me to meet them. I wanted to delete my social media because it made me uncomfortable, but my adoptive parents got into yelling matches with me about it and said I wasn’t allowed to. At the time, I was having a lot of panic attacks because of this and other boundary issues with my parents.
Because of the lockdown, none of that meeting happened. Since then, there’s only been light contact — mostly birthday or holiday messages. That distance has mostly been my choice, because I still feel uncomfortable. I’ve had some limited conversations with my grandmother, but not much else.
When I first found out about my birth family, I felt indifferent at first and then increasingly upset. What really got to me was that my birth mom took the choice out of my hands. It was a closed adoption, and legally I couldn’t access any info until I turned 18. Even then, I would have had to petition the court. I know it might sound childish or selfish to be upset, but it’s hard to explain how it feels to be told you have to wait until you’re ready — only to have that decision taken away by the same person who made you wait in the first place.
So, now I’m struggling with whether or not I should reach out to my sister. I’m still not sure if I want a relationship with my birth mother. I’m also not a very social person — I have one good friend and tend to get overwhelmed if I have to talk to a lot of people regularly.
TL;DR
I guess my question is: am I being selfish or inconsiderate by not reaching out?
Comments
You’re not being inconsiderate here, however, your birth parents and the ones that raised you have all been massively inconsiderate. Anyone in your position would be uncomfortable by being forced to keep social media that allows strange people that gave you up, to continue to peek in on your life.
There’s certainly a lot to process and it’s okay if that takes you years. You’re not obligated to take any extended invitations or olive branches. They are not owed a relationship with you simply because they decided that they want one. You’re grown now and free to choose peace in whatever form is best for you. Your sister might be a good place to start when you’re ready, and if you’re comfortable with it, you can send her a message letting her know it’s not that time yet, but you hope she’ll be willing to wait. Take things at your pace, and maybe you’ll find speaking to her or someone else can be cathartic and open brighter doors. Sending hugs ❤️