We first matched on a dating app last month. He reached out first, sent me a message about how he liked my energy and that he really wanted to get to know me better. So we begin texting. To give a bit more context, we’re both south Asian, trying to get married, not looking for anything casual. So he asked me serious questions to see if we are compatible, and so did I. We’re on the same page about things like relocation, dealbreakers, and religion. So we finally met over the weekend. When I saw him, he immediately made me feel comfortable. He was a gentleman, kind, considerate, respectful, and relatable. Pretty much what I’m looking for.
We talked about many things, I’m close to my family, and so is he. But unlike mine, his parents are divorced. Though he gets along with his father, he lives with and provides for his mother. We didn’t go deep into it but I could tell he loves and respects her immensely.
We agreed to keep seeing each other at the end of the date. He texted me the next day about how he enjoyed our time together. But he had some questions left so I called him later that day. We talked about lots of stuff but eventually he asked if I would be ok with living with him and his mother if we decided to get married. We come from a culture where it’s normal to live with your in laws so I was fine with this. But then without any prompting he said “I really cannot abandon my mother since she did a lot for me” and “If there’s any conflict between my wife and mother, I hope it doesn’t come to the point where I have to choose between them.” I was kind of taken back at this point. I know we’re doing things fast, so I still didn’t take it to heart because maybe it’s coming from a good place in his heart? Idk. I let him know I’d never put him in that position, and if it comes to conflict, I tend to resolve it quickly before it really becomes a problem. He said “I know you won’t start anything with my mother, and I’ll try not to take sides, but know if it comes to that point, you know from our culture who I’d have to choose.”
So basically he’d choose his mother if it came down to it. I get it, I love my mom too. But it’s been bothering me. The last thing I want is for a man to rank his mom above his wife as a knee jerk reaction.
He’s been so kind otherwise but now I’m hesitating. He has almost every quality I’ve been looking for in a potential husband. But am I overthinking that one comment? Any advice on how to navigate this?
As a girl I get pressured to get married every day and I just want to find the right one soon. Is this relationship doomed before it even started?
I posted this in another group but wasn’t sure where it was more appropriate.
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Maybe in your culture this is normal and that’s why it’s never bothered you before? And now that someone has point-blank told you that he is going to side with his mother if you two had a conflict, it kind of feels different right? Because it’s hard to take knowing that. Does that mean that his mother can treat you like dirt and you have to take it? I’m talking about your culture, is it acceptable for the mother-in-law to treat the daughter-in-law awful. And the daughter-in-law has to just take it and say nothing back? I don’t know if this is true or not I’m really wondering if this is true after reading your post. If it’s true I can’t imagine why anybody would get married. I would be too scared that my mother-in-law would be evil. And I would have to take it or lose my husband. Tough one
You know upfront that the man is a mamas boy. He will prioritize her every time. It’s up to you to decide if you want to put up with that.
You only met last month and already talking marriage its way to soon to be talking about that stuff.
I don’t know what your culture entails, to me this is – it actually has been – a deal breaker.
A family needs to be a unit, if he doesn’t want to even discuss stuff like that he won’t ever be part of your team. Can’t trust that.
So if his wife says 2+2=4 but his mom says 2+2=5 he will say his mom is right? Doesn’t he have his own sense of right or wrong?
That’s certainly on of the most unsexy characteristics.
Depends on whether you are a good match with his mother. Do you like and respect his mother? Do you enjoy being with her?
You say your “culture” but where do you live? Do you live in a country with that being the predominant culture? I’m guessing not given the time of day you’re posting.
This would be a hard no for me.
Nope
> The guy I (28F)
amWAS seeing (31M) said he would choose his mom over wifeFTFY.
In a lot of cultures in a lot of places, the family unit is the basic unit of society. Who your parents are defines you more than any other quality except who you ended up marrying. That can seem hopelessly antiquated, but it’s still something worth considering: when you marry, there is supposed to be an adjustment in priorities. Your first priority becomes your spouse — especially in a culture where you marry for love and the marriage, and your choice of partner, is a form of self-expression. This is true even in cultures with extreme filial piety, like Asian ones: your parents may be a close second priority, but they are not expected to be first.
If the guy you’re seeing loves his mother that much, he should marry her. He certainly shouldn’t marry anyone else. And since that includes you, is there any point in continuing to date him?
I wouldn’t want to risk it myself. But if this is your culture you may be stuck with this situation if you want to get married. I’m used to this passage, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” But all cultures are different.
Omg, ruuuuuuunnnnnn!
I would suggest not becoming his wife then.
Do you think he really meant it? I’d give him the courtesy of discussing this better before jumping to conclusions, after all you are just starting the relationship if I got it well?
You said the guy is nice which is good, but it comes down to how his mother is. In addition to seeing your compatibility with him you’ll also have to see your compatibility with her. If she’s at all the jealous kind, which some women are, then you’re screwed.
When you let this guy go do him a favour and be honest with him. Since he is a good guy imo he deserves to know. So say something like “I understand and value our culture and like I said I’d have no problem with your mom living with us. My reason for not proceeding with this is because I want a man who can maintain a healthy balance between his relationships.”
I know nothing of your culture, but if you are questioning the statement that he would choose his mother, you have your answer.
It would indicate incompatibility looking from the outside. Marriage is a continual work in progress, so knowing in advance that you are not that important to him, how would you grow together.
I let him know I’d never put him in that position
You can’t possibly know this because you don’t know his mother. I’m wondering if he’s brought this up because there’s been problems before with his mother being overbearing with her son and his relationships. If you feel comfortable maybe you should ask about this.
The good thing is he’s being upfront about it. But don’t let his honestly cloud your judgement. And with his parents divorced it could be that his mom may have a strong hold on him because she doesn’t want to be alone. She may get very territorial. Plus there’s no husband to keep her in check or preoccupied.
Proceed with extreme caution. Men that won’t choose their own family over their mother usually make terrible partners. They can’t tell their mom no and you end up being the 3rd wheel in the relationship- basically the maid that he sleeps with.
Hard pass and here’s why. You might not start shit, but there’s nothing stopping his mom from messing with you… and you will have to concede every time. You’ll be living in their house. Not her living in you and your husband’s.
Put him back on the shelf. He’s not the one. Yes, a lot of cultures value elders and parents highly, however, marriages that work value the partner above all. You will always feel second to his mother. If you are okay with that then continue, otherwise I’d rather keep looking.
Ok so just think about all the issues that come up in a marriage. Having children, how many children? How to raise the children? Do you give the kids sugar? Do you spank? Do you work or stay at home with the kids? How is money spent? Where do you live? How do you decorate? How do the chores get split? How often do you have sex? Etc etc etc. There are 50 million things that come up in the course of a marriage.
NOW. Think about any of those issues and then imagine your mother in law has an opinion on it. An opinion that does not agree with yours. You don’t believe in spanking? Well she does and she spanks your kid. Your husband has already informed you that he will be backing his mother in this…and any other disagreement.
You would basically be giving up your power to the whims of your mother in law because you will ALWAYS be outnumbered and outvoted. Your voice will not be heard if it is not agreeing with his mother. You will not be a team with your husband, he will be a team with his mother and you’ll have to deal with whatever they decide.
Honestly sounds like a miserable life to me.
It isn’t necessarily a red flag. It depends on how his mother is. If she’s going to test that, then yes, you need to move on. However, she could be a very lovely woman that would never put him in that position.
So you know that he’s a mom’s boy. If you want to keep giving it a shot go ahead but when you see him interact with his mother, if his mother is mean to you or gives you a hard time, you’re going to have to break up with him at that point.
Because if you continue with the relationship, that will be all day every day for the rest of your life until you die. I don’t really think you wanna live that way..