I (20F) have been in a relationship with my bf (21M) for 6 years. We started dating in secret when we were freshmen in hs, and now I’m about to graduate college and would like him to attend my graduation. My parents don’t know about our relationship still… they know he exists and that he’s my “friend” but I can’t mention his name without my mom getting visibly upset. For context, he’s a different race than me and my parents have always made snarky and racist comments about people of his race, which always creates arguments within my family.
My parents have always been very strict on me regarding grades, not letting me have sleepovers, not letting me go out with friends, and of course, not having a boyfriend. I was once threatened to be financially cut off (my dad helps pay half my rent, my college tuition was all covered by my scholarships) if I ever got a boyfriend. I fear that because I am the youngest daughter, I may be being infantilized by my parents.
My bf is someone who I’ve really grown up with and I know for a fact that he’s someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. I feel terrible putting him through this and I really want to put an end to all this stress. Since I’m graduating soon, I’m looking to move in with him but I really do want my family to know without it being so difficult or creating a huge fight. My mom tends to be a very resentful person who hasn’t talked to her own family in years because of a few arguments. I’ve even tried telling her that I liked someone (my bf) back when I was 16 and she told me that I didn’t even know what “love” was. About a few months ago, when she was speaking to another family member, she even reiterated that she could never accept a grandchild of my bf’s race while looking directly at me.
I’m tired of carrying this burden for so long, lying for 6-7 years has really taken a toll on my mental health. If anyone has any advice on how I could finally tell my parents about him, I would be grateful to hear it.
Comments
[deleted]
They’re going to cut you off no matter how or when you tell them, so wait until you are truly and completely financially independent from them before you say or do anything.
On the topic of self-sufficiency, while I do very much hope this relationship works out for you, do NOT trade one financially dependent relationship for another one. Make sure to be able to pay your own bills without him or your parents.
I’m curious what race are you both?
If your parents are as racist and extreme as youre making it out to be, doesn’t matter HOW you tell them, they’re gonna freak.
However you choose to go about it, ready yourself for them saying things like “if you don’t end it then don’t ask to come back here” or something stupid/extreme like that. This isn’t something you will be able to change in them overnight. Tell them, let them react, and let them know that YOU are disappointed in THEM and their behaviour. For YOUR wellbeing and your partner, I would go a soft no contact until they prove that they are either good enough to let back in your life, or cut them off entirely.
This is going to suck either way, but telling them is going to be for YOU and your partner, not for them.
From experience. Fucking lie and stay away. Because the end results are:
Do you want a relationship with your parents? Is that more important then your boyfriend?
Like really evaluate what you want- you know your family better then a person on reddit.
Invite him and not them. They are about to disown and cut you out of their life’s anyways and will most likely make a show about it in front of a lot of people. You are better off not even having them come and just let them know your choice of who to be with after the fact.
I was the youngest daughter in my family, too. My parents were divorced. I told my mother before I moved in with my boyfriend whom I eventually married, but I could not gather the nerve to tell my father. Then, one day, my dad called, and my boyfriend answered. (This was before cellphones.) My dad was furious and he read me the riot act and told me that he was not going to contribute any more to my tuition after that semester. It was weird that he was so offended about it, considering that he had been a serial philanderer in his first marriage, so he was hardly a vestal virgin.
I suggest you pick when you want your family to find out. Because they will find out. Spend some time writing out what you want them to know about your relationship.
There is hardly any way that they are going to come to accept this. If I had married a black man–which was my father’s nightmare–I’m sure he would have cut me off forever.
If they ever do come to accept it, it will probably take years for that to happen.
I eventually cut my dad’s family off because I won’t have anything to do with racists and bigots.
Just tell them honestly with compassion.
Are they religious? Just tell them they’re going down below for being full of hatred in their hearts.
Advice: Get anything of yours out of their home BEFORE you tell, including documents (birth certificate, social security card, passport, etc). When you tell, don’t make the BF be there. They will say nasty, racist sh!t you don’t want him to hear. If you need support, have a safe person present as backup & as an escape plan. I’ve been in that fearful position. It can hurt for a while, but be strong and build a wonderful life.
Realistically, as long as you’re financially tied to them you’re stuck. And the second they find out how long you two have been together, there is most definitely going to be a blow up. If you truly want to be with you BF it means you most likely will lose you parents. Let that sink in. It’s him or them. I can’t and won’t tell you what the right choice is, because you’re the only one who can make that decision.
I married a woman from a different race and different country. We expected our partners to be very negative. And they were, for a while. My FIL & mother came around in less than a yr when they realized my wife and I were happy. And my wife was pregnant!
They both wanted to be in the life of our child.
MIL & father took much more time.
The wounds and resentment never fully faded. I’m not sure my MIL & father genuinely changed. I think they wanted peace in the family. Our siblings shamed them.
And we were 100% independent, financially. It was very hard.
Almost 40 yrs later, going strong.
Easy… if you still need their money, then keep lying to them until you don’t. As soon as you’re absolutely sure you don’t need their money anymore, drop the truth on them instantly/brutally and tell them if they don’t like it, they can lose your number.
Im sorry you’re dealing with this, specially in 2025. I can tell you from my experience, these are difficult to work, it will take for you guys to have a strong bond. In my experience, we didn’t, and we got attacked by her parents and my parents! I’m half black and Spanish, she and her whole family are white and the very definition of racists!
For some reason, she only dated black/Spanish man, her previous Bf was black, so I thought it would be cool, they hated me.
She said that to her family, sorry about the words, but she said, “if you’re not white, you’re a mongrel!” First time I heard that word, insane!!!
Either way, we only lasted a year and we broke up!
I wouldn’t bother telling them anything. You aren’t going to magically and suddenly make them change their personalities. Wait until the consequences will be less dire for you in the immediate future, such as the rent situation no longer being relevant, etc. When you are out on your own and not relying on them so much, then you can try to broach the subject, but be prepared for fallout. As long as your bf is being good to you on YOUR TERMS, then it really isn’t any of your parents biznazzz. Good luck. 🙂