My partner (27M) and I (25F) are talking about our plan for starting a family. Given the current economy, we cannot afford to live without two incomes so being a stay at home parent is not an option for either of us. My mum has said she would reduce her work days so she could look after our child on her days off. In my mum’s culture, its normal for multiple generations to live in one household and for the grandparents to help raise the children. We live in a different house but that cultural norm has stayed with her.
Obviously I know how lucky we are to have such a supportive family. I want to preface that I do not expect our families to step in and help raise our children. I appreciate that it does take a village but understand that it is 2025 and everyone has their own responsibilities to take care of.
In saying that, my mother in law has not had a job since 1995 because she was a stay at home mum. My father in law works 60 hour weeks while she does not work and labels herself a “stay at home wife”. We have never even insinuated that we want her to look after our children because we know that it is not part of her culture and she did not have that kind of grandparent support. My partner barely had a relationship with his grandparents because he never saw them while growing up.
When we spoke to her about our family plans with us working 4 days a week with alternating days off and my mum taking the baby on the clashing days. She then told us that we would be taking advantage of my mum and that its not her responsibility to raise our kids. She also told us that it is the norm for grandparents to be paid for babysitting, and that if she had to babysit our child then she would expect a babysitter’s wage.
Is it normal for grandparents to be paid for babysitting? Am I being biased because my grandma was always looking after me?
And most importantly, would we be the assholes if we told her that she won’t have a relationship with her hypothetical grandchildren if she sees them as a financial opportunity?
EDIT: I do not mean that I will deny her a relationship with her grandkids or prevent her from seeing them. I mean that she will be repeating the actions of her family and in-laws. My partner did not develop a relationship with his extended family because they never helped out and he only saw them occasionally. We cannot afford to pay babysitter wages and therefore she will only see them on the occasional visit, whereas they will be very close with the grandparents on the other side of the family. Therefore, she will not develop a relationship with them.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
My partner (27M) and I (25F) are talking about our plan for starting a family. Given the current economy, we cannot afford to live without two incomes so being a stay at home parent is not an option for either of us. My mum has said she would reduce her work days so she could look after our child on her days off. In my mum’s culture, its normal for multiple generations to live in one household and for the grandparents to help raise the children. We live in a different house but that cultural norm has stayed with her.
Obviously I know how lucky we are to have such a supportive family. I want to preface that I do not expect our families to step in and help raise our children. I appreciate that it does take a village but understand that it is 2025 and everyone has their own responsibilities to take care of.
In saying that, my mother in law has not had a job since 1995 because she was a stay at home mum. My father in law works 60 hour weeks while she does not work and labels herself a “stay at home wife”. We have never even insinuated that we want her to look after our children because we know that it is not part of her culture and she did not have that kind of grandparent support. My partner barely had a relationship with his grandparents because he never saw them while growing up.
When we spoke to her about our family plans with us working 4 days a week with alternating days off and my mum taking the baby on the clashing days. She then told us that we would be taking advantage of my mum and that its not her responsibility to raise our kids. She also told us that it is the norm for grandparents to be paid for babysitting, and that if she had to babysit our child then she would expect a babysitter’s wage.
Is it normal for grandparents to be paid for babysitting? Am I being biased because my grandma was always looking after me?
And most importantly, would we be the assholes if we told her that she won’t have a relationship with her hypothetical grandchildren if she sees them as a financial opportunity?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Telling my mother in law that she wont have a relationship with her grandkids if she expects to be paid like a babysitter for looking after them. I’d be the asshole because that is a rude thing to say especially to a mother in law, and also it would make me look like I have an expectation that its other people’s responsibility to raise my children.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. You’re going so nuclear about a kid and situation that doesn’t exist. She just doesn’t want to be on the hook for babysitting your hypothetical kid. Telling her she won’t ever see your kid because she doesn’t want to babysit is way worse than her saying she wants to be paid. It sounds like you’re punishing her for not wanting to babysit. And why are you mentioning that she hasn’t had a job in 30 years? Why is that important?
It is not normal for grandparents to be paid for babysitting, although in some situations it would make sense. For example, if the grandparent quit their job to watch the children, and they need the money, yes they should be paid. But that example is a special situation. So what your MIL said was out of line.
Even so, YWBTA to keep her from your child(ren). Just because she has an unusual idea about being paid for babysitting does not make her an unfit grandmother.
And if she asks to watch the child(ren), you can let her know that it’s possible but it would not be for payment. And she can decide if she wants to or not. You don’t have to make it bigger than that.
To be very honest, I would certainly pay my mother for looking after my children if I had any. You don’t know it yet, but Parenthood is no joke and neither is babysitting. There’s a reason that people get paid for it. It’s not a matter of need. It’s a matter of respect. Nothing about raising or looking after children is easy. Would you pay anybody else to babysit?
NTA MIL sounds like an asshole, modern day most grandparents help out. Your mum volunteered herself and your only asking for one day a week, that’s good for you and her as doesn’t burden her too much.
Your MIL asking for payment is a joke and I would tell her she just put a price on contact time with her grandchild and as their parents would now expect payment for contact time e.g birthdays Christmas only from her and no one else as she feels that way.
MIL trying to justify her existence and trying to prevent you impacting on her cosy stay at home wife lifestyle and trying to sounds superior to your mum who works and would be the taken advantage of mum verses her as strong independent mum
Ignore her and limit contact to just your FIL from that quarter. She isn’t interested in your child only herself
Providing regular planned childcare is not the same as spending time with a grandchild or providing occasional ad-hoc babysitting. Whether grandparents are paid for regular caregiving is up to the parties involved, being paid is pretty normal, but so is not being paid.
That doesn’t mean you’re taking advantage of your mother, it also doesn’t mean that your MIL is only viewing your child as a financial opportunity.
MIL has been clear that she will not babysit for free, not that she expects compensation for any interaction with your child.
YWBTA if you deny your MIL a relationship with your child because she doesn’t want to be responsible for contributing regular unpaid work to support your household.
For my child, we did a mix of flexible work, daycare, and grandparents, where grandparents each did one day per fortnight. Neither requested payment. Noting we don’t have the cultural norms of multigenerational living or caregiving.
YTA Plenty of grandparents have relationships with their grandkids without also being regular, unpaid sitters.
I don’t know what culture you are from or your MIL is from. But ESH, although I think you are more in the wrong than your MiL. I think your MIL was basically saying not to count on her for regular childcare, but the bit about being paid was a poor way to go about it. And perhaps she wasn’t culturally sensitive and it sounded like she was being critical of your mom for being willing to provide free childcare.
However, if she doesn’t want to routinely watch your child, that is her prerogative. There are lots of grandparents that don’t want to be free childcare for their grandkids. It doesn’t mean they don’t want a relationship with that child. It also doesn’t mean they will be bad grandparents. It isn’t necessary that they babysit a grandchild to be a good grandparent.
Unless there is more going on than you say, it would seem entirely irrational and unfair on your part to decide that if she is unwilling to offer free childcare – which it sounds like you aren’t asking for from her anyway – then she can’t have any relationship with your child. That seems a huge overreaction on your part. And cruel.
YTA– have to assume there is more to the story about your MIL for you to be so insulted. Your kids can visit their grandparents as a family. You get to decide how frequently and what that looks like, but it’s ridiculous to cut the grandma off just for not wanting to be a free babysitter.
My mom has run a professional daycare for years and even though it’s her livelihood, she has watched my cousins and sisters kids for free. Different cultures and different families do things differently. I won’t say you’re wrong for your mom being generous.
WBTA 100%, the consequence of not letting your future kids have a relationship with their grandparents is completely out of proportion here. You might want to reflect why that’s your first instinct cause it feels like there might be more deep rooted issues or resentment towards your MIL. And on the topic of paying for babysitting, I think there is a strong cultural component and no such thing as ‘the normal thing to do’, it’s very personal. Some expect payment for the ‘labor’, some only for the extra costs of food and supplies if not delivered by the parents and some might not want anything at all. Just figure out what feels right for you and talk about the expectations as you did, but don’t go all berserk if someone disagrees.
Well your mil isn’t wrong. Being a babysitter vs. a grandmother are two very different things. Either way you need to ensure that you have a paid sitting option for any child now or n the future. You are wrong to deny a child a relationship with a grandparent be because they don’t want to just be a babysitter like your mom. Yes YTA
YTA: You are absolutely right, it takes a village to raise children. However, you need to remember that pre-2025, people could live off minimum wage. Your mother reducing her work days means that her income is being reduced. I think you should offer some form of payment to offset her costs of watching the child while losing out on income. Travel costs, or meals… something to offset that loss of income.
When you have children, it is your responsibility to ensure you have childcare. It’s not your family’s responsibility, nor is it something you can demand of them.
His mother raised him and his siblings. Being a stay-at-home parent is a full-time job with multiple skill sets that are considered separate career paths in society. Cook, nanny, educator, therapist, cleaner, project manager, etc. She has every right to say that her time is valuable if she is required to provide childcare like a job.
You are an asshole if you tell her that she is required to give her time and freedom after raising her kids to provide routine childcare to have a grandparent relationship. You should flip back that you see her time as free childcare rather than her time to enjoy her grandparents and live for herself.
So you are going to have a child but you already know you can’t afford to pay for care? How irresponsible! And how rude that you will allow your mom to give up income to babysit but you don’t want to pay her! Shame on you – YTA
I think you need to take a step back. Your plans were never for her to provide childcare and she doesn’t want to provide it. You aren’t at odds. So you must have assumed she would only see your kids at holidays, family visits etc. She will have that type of relationship. Will it be as close as your mom has? Absolutely not. But she can still have a relationship without ever babysitting.
I think there is a TON of differences in cultures when it comes to grandparents and care they provide. If she was a stay at home mother who had no support, I get why she doesn’t want to be a big role in helping the next generation. She’s “done her time” in her view maybe. Maybe she didn’t want to make that choice but was financially forced to. Maybe she tried to get back into the job market but couldn’t or was scared/felt too old etc. There could be a lot going on emotionally there that you aren’t aware of. Do I personally think it’s normal to pay a grandmother or grandfather to watch their grandchild for 2 hours once in awhile? Not really. But if they are your routine childcare where they are beholden to you and basically have to give you notice if they want to take a vacation, schedule a doctor’s appointment etc so you can arrange alternate care, then I can see where they may get paid. But I also know cultures where you absolutely wouldn’t. But I don’t find it offensive to be asked to pay in that circumstance. Because it’s like a job at that point. Your mother will most likely schedule her errands, appointments, vacations etc. around you and your ability to secure alternate care. It’s wonderful you sound like you appreciate the privilege that is.
The bottom line is this is all hypothetical at this point. The baby isn’t here. Once it is, see what happens. If she chooses not to spend time with her grandchildren, she knows she won’t have a relationship. And that may be her choice. Why start a fight if you aren’t actually in need of anything from her? Let her suffer the consequences or reap the benefits of her choices when it comes to how she fosters a relationship with her grandkids.
Was she a crappy mom to your partner that you aren’t even married to? Was your mum a good mom to you? You won’t marry the guy and you don’t want his family to have anything to with your kids. Why are you with him again? Move on to someone you want to marry and have an integrated family with. Honestly. You ATA.
YTA. There is a distinct difference between grandma getting to spend time with her grandchildren at her request and grandma babysitting her grandchildren at your request. I wouldn’t consider occasional days with grandma or sleepovers to be babysitting. However, if you are relying on her for childcare and/or it’s impacting her ability to live her life on her own schedule, you should absolutely be compensating her. Either way, keeping grandma from your kids is impulsive and only hurts grandma and the kids.
I literally think you spun out over a future worry. Chill. Otherwise YTA
ESH. My mother watches my kids full time. She asked like yours did. I do pay her but not babysitter wages. It’s what she was willing to accept (more than she proposed, less than it should be), but it’s been a good arrangement for us all. I’ve offered to cut the time she’s here and she’s declined.
Your MIL is the ah for telling you what to do in this situation. That’s between you, your husband, and your mother. Her feelings and thoughts about it aren’t wrong, just her making you feel bad about feeling different. You’re the AH for telling her if she doesn’t want to watch your kids for free, she won’t have a relationship with them. My grandmother didn’t ever babysit me and we had a wonderful relationship. You’re the AH for telling her how she sees things is wrong and makes her a bad grandparent. It absolutely doesn’t. Tons of people DO take advantage of grandparents and make them provide care without financial or emotional appreciation. She’s not wrong to think that.
NAH. was extremely close to my maternal grandparents because they took me for weeks at a time every summer. Shen they visited, they took over childcare and gave my mom a break. They were awesome.
Your children will be closer to your parents because they will be familiar and more comfortable. They might have a relationship with their paternal grandparents, but the bond won’t be nearly as close.
Neither side is wrong, it just is what it is.
Also, wait a second. How far away does she live from you guys? If she’s local, why are you assuming she wouldn’t want to visit and spend time with the kids unless it’s for holidays? And if she isn’t local, how would she even be able to babysit on a regular basis? Are you and your partner married? How long have you been together?
I have never heard of grandparents getting paid to watch their grandkids, except in situations where the grandparents were the primary daily childcare provider while the parents worked, and that was mostly to cover the expenses of taking care the kids. But watching the kids for like, a night? Like…. the kid(s) get to go have sleepover at grandma’s house, so parents can have a night out? She would expect payment for that? No I’ve never heard of that being the norm….. my grandparents used to host us for at least a week every summer for “Grandparents Camp!” and they weren’t paid for that…. like. Spending one-on-one time with your grandkids shouldn’t require financial compensation? I get if it’s a massive undertaking, like the daily daycare, then yes, finances would be part of the set up. But otherwise…. no I just don’t get it and I can definitely see why that would negatively impact / limit the relationship between those grandparents and the kids. NTA
NTA – if your mom has offered to participate in childcare and you have worked that out and you are both comfortable with the arrangement then that is great. No harm no foul. If your mother-in-law doesn’t agree with that type of arrangement, then she doesn’t have to do that. She has a different cultural expectation of her free time and she is not going to raise children. That is her choice. She shouldn’t be looked down upon because she has that opinion. She should be visited and she should be invited to your parties, etc, like normal family gatherings. So it sounds like your husband hardly visited his family prior to the baby? If that was how it was before, it’s probably not going to be any different when the baby is present.
YTA
I think this is more of a case of you overreacting, but your line that they will only have an occasional relationship with your hypothetical children is concerning. Assuming they are local to you, why would they only see your children occasionally? It is completely normal to see local family multiple times per month, and not in such a way that they are babysitting. You can literally just hang out as a whole family unit.
Please just breathe and dispel your anger at something that is not even a reality yet. The more people who are available to love your children (and love does not mean babysitting) are a blessing. Why would you deny your children that makes me think you should do some soul searching before you get pregnant.
If they are keeping the kids because you’re working then it’s not unfair to pay a grandparent. It’s different if it’s occasionally like if you and your husband want a night out. But for watching them in a regular basis it wouldn’t be crazy to pay them.
I think there’s a big misunderstanding here. I think you’re interpreting your MIL as saying if you EVER want her to babysit your kids you’ll have to pay. And I think your MIL means if she was expected to be regularly scheduled weekly childcare she would expect to be paid.
It’s not your MILs business what works for your side of the family. If your mother is happy with this potential arrangement then it really doesn’t have anything to do with your MIL. You can politely inform your MIL you don’t expect her to be regular childcare and you’re not asking her to be. Ppl have diff family cultures and that’s ok. She’s welcome to set the boundary that she wants, but then can’t complain about the relationship she has with her future grandchildren.
I’m not sure what cultures are being referenced but I was very close to both sides of my family and spent a lot of time with both grandparents. It’s not the same for every family which is why it may be difficult for your MIL to do some perspective taking bc she cannot imagine families not being individualistic.
Kinda surprised by all the YTA. I just think there’s a miscommunication here
I’m undecided on this. I think everyone in the comments saying grandparents should be paid for babysitting is a little insane and this thread might be a little Reddit brained for me. If it’s constantly then yeah, I guess, but for the community that loves spouting “it takes a village” yall are super quick to pull out that stripe card swiper. I think you should just let her have her opinions and keep in mind she’s not babysitting for you unless you’re paying for it.
Your edit didn’t do you any favors. That is great that you didn’t mean what your title clearly said. But, you are basically saying that if she won’t agree to be free daycare, then she will rarely see her grandkids. Do you really believe the only value a grandparent has is as free childcare? And that a child’s relationship with their grandparents is only formed when they are being babysat regularly by the grandparents?
You state that your partner never had a relationship with his extended family because they never “helped out”. Again, you seem to believe that if family doesn’t routinely offer free childcare, then it is impossible for kids to bond with family. Sorry but that is just wrong. And very, very selfish thinking on your part.
A family relationship is not a commodity that is valued solely on the cost of free childcare. I originally said ESH. I am changing to YTA.
YTA. What’s your actual problem with your MIL?
NTA. I would never expect to be paid for watching my grandchildren. Your mom is going to have a closer relationship with your kids. It sounds like mother in law doesn’t want that.
When’s your baby due?
Easy. Just let the grandma that wants to babysit to help you out and develop a relationship with the grandchild spend all the time with your kids instead of the one that wants to monetize it.
I think you should pay your mom *something*, and your MIL should be allowed to spend time with your kid(s) as long as she’s not toxic.
NTA she’s not a grandma. In my culture we take care of our own too. Not sure why that’s so frowned upon yall are weird. I would never pay my parents to watch my kid and frankly they would be insulted if I tried. That’s insane. If you wanna spend time with them, spend time. If you wanna help, help. But there’s no money lol freaking ridiculous. Ignore everyone, including your in laws. Live a beautiful life with people who care.
NTA.
I think a lot of people here are assuming you meant you would not allow a relationship versus you just genuinely not being able to pay for her to babysit so that would obviously take away from the whole. Them seeing each other bit..
I thought you explained it pretty clear.
Of course it isn’t really common to pay grandparents to babysit.
You know the family that is happy to step in. No need to stress about the one who literally said she expected to be paid to take care of her own flesh and blood..
I don’t think you are being malicious in just stating a natural fact.
Perhaps the title could have been worded better though. 🙏🏾
NTA for your mom helping out with babysitting. It’s her decision to do it, and it’s her decision if she wants to get paid or not. What your mom does isn’t up to your MIL.
I understand re the financial strain. My paternal grandmother babysat me a handful of times, and it was unpaid. Other times, I had a teenage relative babysit. My parents did not have much extra money, so getting a paid babysitter did not happen often.
YWBTA, if you keep your grandkids from your MIL because of this or even tell her that she won’t get to see them as much without babysitting them. That sounds passive-aggressive and/or manipulative.