My best friend got married last year. She was dating her husband for 12 years on and off; I’ve known him throughout their entire relationship. I’ve always been a little suspicious of him and have caught him in lies before. Anyway, I recently found out that he was lying about his occupation and I’m not sure what to do. He claimed he worked as a nurse and had gotten fired about a week after their wedding. I supported her through this for the past year (emotionally) but was really suspicious because my friend makes really good money and the timing was weird…This happened over a year ago and he still has not found another job. Every time I ask her about his job search she just says that it is really difficult to find a job right now and she is frustrated. So this past week we were hanging out and she told me that he had randomly brought up that he’d had his license revoked when he was fired and that’s why he hasn’t found a new job. She was frustrated with him and was venting but something here seemed off. So I searched his name on our Board of Nursing website and nothing came up. I looked for it under all of the licenses available to search AND under disciplinary action for the past 3 years. There is no evidence that he ever had a nursing license. That led me down a rabbit hole. I did soo many searches on this man – when he suggested they move in together it was because he had been evicted from his apartment for not paying rent. The car he drives? Not in his name. I couldn’t find any information on his occupation at all (His name is VERY common, think John Smith, but I searched with his birthdate as well and didn’t find anything). My husband thinks that he doesn’t even have a degree. I’m not sure what to do…how do I tell my friend when I don’t have much information? Should I do a full background check before I bring it to her, or will that make me look even more crazy? I feel like I’ve violated some trust somehow, but all of this is public information. I’m concerned for her, but also extremely concerned because she is the godmother of my children. He is around them all the time.
If I need more information first, how can I get it? Is there a way I can look up his degree and occupation without a background check? I feel so paranoid now.
Throwaway account just in case
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Idk if I’m being a guy or what, but she’s been with this man for twelve years. Either she’s completely blind to everything he does, which could cause her to resent you if you brought her information that she doesn’t want to believe, or, she has an idea about what is going on.
Before you go and shotgun blast your PI investigation results, have you considered talking to her about it?
Do the full background check. You don’t need to disclose to her that you’ve done it. But also realize that if you bring this up with her it’s 50/50 that it blows up in your face.
Just don’t pull a ‘Greg Focker’. Maybe his legal name is Jonny, or JonJon, or Joey Jo Jo junior Shabadoo, and he is just too embrassed to tell anyone.
Seriously, she’s 12 years deep with this man. If she hasn’t smelt the bullshit already then she doesn’t want to smell it. Leave it all alone. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Just be supportive and act shocked when she eventually leaves him.
I think the best thing you can do is to help guide your friend on the path to self discovery. You admit you don’t have much info. So maybe sometime when your friend is complaining, you can ask her if she’s ever tried to help him get a job or if they have hired a head hunter or something and if she has done his resume or whatever.
And you could volunteer to help or make suggestions in a way that makes it normal for her to discover the same things.
Like, “have you ever looked up why he lost his license? Maybe you can help him get it back…” and if she does help, she finds out what’s real
One thing I can tell you from very limited experience is that I don’t think background checks typically carry information about occupation or degrees (if anyone knows otherwise, please chime in).
I know that the company I work for does them on us every year, and gives us the opportunity to see a copy. Mine shows what company I work for, but not my occupation or degrees.
Have you ever seen his resume, or is he on LinkedIn? If it gives where he got his degree, you can verify that with the school he supposedly graduated from.
Did you also check your state government’s bureau of professional licensing, to see if his nursing license or revocation are documented there?
I do wonder what he was doing for income during the years he didn’t live with her, and how he afforded his apartment (pre-eviction).
And I wonder if he gave a reason that his license was revoked (allegedly).
If I were you, I would preface a discussion with her by saying that you looked into this because you’re concerned for her as your friend, and hope she will take it in that spirit.
I would tell her what you said at the beginning here: that the timing of his job loss and license revocation seemed odd to you, so you tried to look into it and were not able to find any record of either a license or a revocation.
I would do the background check in case it turns up anything damaging in terms of arrests or convictions; if there was nothing concerning there, I wouldn’t mention having done it.
Good luck to you! I once had to give a good friend very unsavory news about her husband (he kissed me, and it was very unwanted), so I know how difficult it is.
The way I thought about it when I decided to tell her was that if she found out without my saying anything to her, she would know I knew about it and had said nothing; and that would make me look like a terrible friend and make her wonder if she could trust me. And she might think I had encouraged his kiss, which I definitely did not.
Please let us know what happens.
Nah man. If she’s TWELVE years in with this man and not dug deeper, she doesn’t want to know
Look it up in front of her. Act like the thought just occurred to you. See what she says. Then take her down the express rabbit hole with you.
You—or she—can hire a detective.
I would do the full background check to make sure she is not in danger. You also need to keep quiet about dping it, it will end your friendship most likely. If you find something she needs to know, you get her to help discover it. Hey, what exactly happened with his license? I have a family friend that can help get it reinstated. Gice me as much information as you can and I will be happy to help!
Whose name is his car under? Was the car reported stolen? get vin number. Why was his license revoked? (If he ever had it) It’s not done for things not serious, usually means criminal charge. Yes do a background check, you need to know if he’s dangerous.
If you get solid proof tell her,
“Friend something’s X said to me about his nursing didn’t make sense. I care about you and of course he’s around my child. I couldn’t ignore my suspicions so I did some research. His car isn’t in his name, it’s under X name. He never had a nursing license in this state. If he did, even if revoked this it where that’d be listed. He was evicted from his last apartment on X date because of missed payments which wouldn’t make sense if he was working as nurse. (Elaborate with everything else you learn). I’m really sorry.”
If she stays with him, make sure she understands that you won’t hang out with her when he’s around and keep your child away from him, don’t let him in your house.
You can join FB group for “are we dating same guy” in your state, do several local areas. Search for his pic. People give warnings, like if he has charges against him or danger to children, etc.. things women need to stay safe and protect their children.
Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Don’t ignore the smoke. My uncle warned me about my ex lying about his military service, I appreciated it because I knew it came from concern, but didn’t listen (I was young). I warned a friend about guy lying about his job , she was sad but appreciative that it didn’t last longer. People look out for those they care about. Do that.
People that are saying she doesn’t want to know, I dont necessarily think thats always true. Some people just dont dig deeper because they are afraid of losing them. Or, the partner is an incredibly skilled manipulator and has her convinced everything is up.and up.
If shes your best friend, yes, tell her. Id be hurt if my best friend was withholding something from me.
I don’t understand. . .
They’ve been together 12 years?
If he’s not really a nurse, then he’s been getting up everyday, putting the costume on and going somewhere to keep up a ruse. Where is he going? Why? Was he bringing in money before? Where was it coming from? Are there pay stubs? Receipts? How has he maintained this for so long? Why lie about losing his license if there never was one? So much to unpack here. I’m curious, but if I were you I’d dig around more but not tell her unless you discover something super crazy.
Watched a YouTube video About a man who lied about his education or place of work, etc let’s just say things unraveled bad when he got caught.
I generally encourage you to trust your gut, but just to be thorough- do you know for sure that he was supposedly licensed and working in your same state? Do you live near a boundary with another state? Is it remotely possible that he was licensed/working there instead?
Sorry I don’t have any good advice about how to bring this up with your friend, this is a really tough situation.
Just leave it alone. You know what a man does when he makes good money? Not care how much his wife makes.
It’s 2025, I’m sure it’s becoming less of a gender thing
A background check will likely cover criminal offenses. Colleges and workplaces can’t give out much information, but they can confirm if a degree was conferred or if a person was employed there. You could call and ask. I agree that if she has been with him on & off for 12 years, you might just be the messenger who gets shot. But, I would let my friend know what I found & let her do with it what she will.
I’d say tell her, maybe she’s looking for a reason to escape as it is. She doesn’t sound happy, and that’s pretty scary.
How do you know she doesn’t already know? We have neighbors, who are a couple, and the husband said he was a doctor. Turns out he’s has a nursing degree. I didn’t assume his wife is unaware of it. Maybe they just want to put on a front to ppl. You are acting like he cheated on her.