I baked banana bread and took it out of the oven. As many bakers know, it’s important to let it rest before cutting so it doesn’t dry out or fall apart.
When it came out of the oven, I told him it’s done but not ready to cut into.
I then saw him walk towards the kitchen and mentioned AGAIN that it’s not ready to cut into.
He said “okay” and gave me a thumbs up with a smile.
A couple minutes later, I walked into the kitchen and found him cutting into it. I was annoyed and said, “I just told you not to cut it yet.” He responded that I never ASKED him not to cut it, and he didn’t think my earlier comment made it clear I actually didn’t want him to touch it yet.
I told him by giving me a thumbs up it tells me that he understands and is on board with not cutting into the banana bread. He said, “you assumed that’s what it meant, I didn’t tell you that I wasn’t going to.”
To me, this felt disrespectful. I wasn’t being vague—why else would I say it’s not ready yet unless I meant, “don’t touch it”? He says he didn’t realize I meant it as a boundary. I feel like he completely ignored what I said. Why do I feel so sad?
He thinks I’m overreacting about “just banana bread.” I think it’s more about the disregard. AITA?
Edit: grammar
Comments
Reminder not to downvote assholes |
Original copy of post’s text by /u/destitutecute:
I baked banana bread and took it out of the oven. As many bakers know, it’s important to let it rest before cutting so it doesn’t dry out or fall apart.
When it came out of the oven, I told him it’s done but not ready to cut into.
I then saw him walk towards the kitchen and mentioned AGAIN that it’s not ready to cut into.
He said “okay” and gave me a thumbs up with a smile.
A couple minutes later, I walked into the kitchen and found him cutting into it. I was annoyed and said, “I just told you not to cut it yet.” He responded that I never ASKED him not to cut it, and he didn’t think my earlier comment made it clear I actually didn’t want him to touch it yet.
I told him by giving me a thumbs up it tells me that he understands and is on board with not cutting into the banana bread. He said, “I assumed that’s what it meant, he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going to.”
To me, this felt disrespectful. I wasn’t being vague—why else would I say it’s not ready yet unless I meant, “don’t touch it”? He says he didn’t realize I meant it as a boundary. I feel like he completely ignored what I said. Why do I feel so sad?
He thinks I’m overreacting about “just banana bread.” I think it’s more about the disregard. AITA?
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NTAH. he sounds immature
NAH. From reading this, it sounds like he was just impatient to eat the banana bread and figured that you not wanting him to cut into it yet wasn’t related to anything serious, like it possibly falling apart. I definitely think that he misread your intention though and he could’ve been being deliberately dense afterward. I would have a straightforward conversation with him and explain how you communicate. If his behavior doesn’t change at all after then I would lean towards him being the AH.
I mean it is just banana bread. But if he’s going to go against your wishes on something as trivial as that after you made it super clear it wasn’t ready then why would he respect your wishes in other areas.
Sounds like Dennis the Banana Bread Menace knew exactly what he was doing and therefore does not get to partake in the eating of the baked goods moving forward.
NTA
“Boyfriend, you and I both know you understood my intention, and I’m not going to entertain this fiction that you just couldn’t possibly interpret my statements. If your boss at work said “the banana bread isn’t ready to cut into yet” I think you would somehow miraculously be able to intuit that you are among the people who should not be cutting the banana bread. You are adding insult to injury by pretending it’s my fault because I didn’t find the magic words to bind you to a contract to not cut the banana bread. You’re not a demon, a fairy, or a genie, you’re a human being who theoretically cares about me, and if you had not understood me PERFECTLY well, you would have asked a clarifying question. In reality you knew exactly what I meant, you just fully intended to ignore it. And that’s not okay, but what’s really not okay is the way you’ve lied and tried to turn it back on me. I am extremely angry about the way you’ve behaved toward me surrounding what would normally be a trivial issue. It’s bizarre, insulting, and manipulative. We are not okay right now.”
NTA , and also WTF. If he’s like this normally, dump his ass. If this is new, is it a prank or something? I don’t get it.
It’s not the banana bread, it’s the fact that he ignores your boundaries. My last relationship like that ended very quickly over that reason.
NTA. That is some bullshit manipulations. “I heard what you said, acknowledged what you said orally, then physically, then did what I wanted anyway, because you didn’t actually order me not to, so I did what I wanted.”
Stop making things that he can fuck with. Because I guarantee you he’s going to keep doing this. It takes conscious effort to hear “Hey, it’s not ready to cut yet, let it rest” and go “I’m gonna cut it anyway and then tell her she’s an idiot for overreacting.”
That’s blatantly rude and disrespectful and unappreciative of your clear instructions. “Don’t touch this.” doesn’t need a fucking interpretive dance.
I feel you. It’s not just about the banana bread; it’s about respect for culinary masterpieces. Next time, consider adding a do not disturb sign on your baked goods.
NTA. It’s never about “just the banana bread.” Its about feeling heard and respected. You communicated clearly twice, and he dismissed it, then played dumb. Thats frustrating, and its okay to feel hurt by it. Small actions show big patterns.
Just don’t make it when he’s around anymore
Nah, def NTA. U told him twice, he still went at it like a crackhead on payday. It ain’t about the bread, it’s about respect. Him trying to gaslight u over banana bread of all things? Big 🚩! Stay strong sis, ur banana bread, ur rules. 💪🍌🍞
Never make banana bread again.
He is childish and greedy.
Is he a toddler? That’s the only way his “reasoning” would work. It’s like he was obsessed with doing a gatcha!! moment, possibly as a joke? Idk, but he’s trash
NTA, please leave him.
There are people dying, Kim. Is this post even necessary? lol
Why would you want to be with someone that has so little respect for you?
Or maybe he just had the munchies really, really bad and couldn’t resist your amazing banana bread?
This isn’t about banana bread, and you know it. Does he disregard what you say? Pretend to go along with your opinions and then just do the opposite because he feels like it?
Because that’s what he did. He purposely did this. Make no mistake. This wasn’t an accident. This was not a miscommunication.
He literally purposely did what you asked him not to do. And then minimized what you’re saying, minimized your feelings. Minimized the work you put into baking the bread.
It’s disrespect. It’s about showing you that you’re not important. What he wants is the only thing that counts, and he doesn’t give a shit about your hard work. About the time you spent. About your opinions. About your feelings.
Psych article says… It’s not about that one cup you left in the sink, buddy.
You bake it, you make the rules. I’ve cooked many loaves of banana bread and if someone tried helping themselves before I offered them some there would be a problem. I understand the need to let it cool somewhat, but there have been plenty of times I’ve had banana bread, still warm from the oven without any issues.
Gaslighting. It’s not only about the bread. It’s about disrespecting directives on YOUR field of mastery.
Ew what kind of boyfriend acts this way
But it’s soooooo good hot out of the oven. I never listen to suggestions when it comes to freshly baked banana bread or pies, or cake, or cookies! Was he rude yes but was it good?
Are there any of his boundaries you feel like crossing? Now is the time.
I would have walked up to him with the baking pan and a garbage bag while he was watching tv or whatever and thrown it out and stepped on it before taking it to the trash can..Match his disrespectful ass energy.
But I can be a bit vindictive.
He will cheat and then say, “Did you ask me not to?”
Don’t bake him any more banana bread. He doesn’t deserve your banana bread.
In fact, dump his passive aggressive, pedantic ass.
NTA
INFO
>He said, “I assumed that’s what it meant, he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going to.”
Who is the “he” that your BF was referring to here?
He knew exactly what you meant although he obviously wouldn’t say that to your face. Then you’d catch on too quickly.
Sounds to me like he’s trying to see how much you’ll brush off n explain away instead of putting your foot down n not only calling out the behavior. But also making sure he actually maintains a changed behavior more than a couple days or weeks.
Op I duno your life with this person.
But from this interaction alone I’d say it’s very obvious he likes to push your buttons. That’s not ok. That’s wrong. And usually leads to worse stuff later.
NTA. But make sure you don’t become one to yourself
NTA. His little play at being willfully ignorant would tick me off and get him a one way ticket right out the door. I hate that crap with a passion.
How old is your boyfriend?5?
NTA. I understand the temptation. It’s banana bread. (In my house, it won’t have time to dry out, because I have a teenager.)
However, if he wants banana bread to continue to magically appear without any effort on his part, he needs to respect the wondrous being(you) who creates it. The next batch should be made by him under your supervision, so he can learn to appreciate your flour-based wizardry.
NTA. Your boyfriend willfully ignored your comments and, with purpose, did the exact thing you told him not to. In that moment, your boyfriend was a complete jerk. I hope this was a one time thing and he starts using that organ between his ears, the one God intentionally gave us so that we can use reason. Yikes.
Omg my ex boyfriend was exactly like this. RUN – find someone who’s communication is respectful
Make sure you’re on birth control. You don’t want him to “forget” a condom.
Get him some therapy
NTA NOR He does not respect you. He’s messing with your head with his claims of not understanding and making it your fault when you were perfectly clear. Read what you wrote, he has you doubting yourself and feeling sad! This is how your life will be if you stay with him.
Pulling out this link again. Maybe he could read it?
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Why TF are you coming to Reddit with this problem? Yell at your boyfriend and tell him to stop it. That’s what my mom used to do with me. She didn’t need Reddit to solve it.
Not very bright, is he? Might want to think before having kids with that one 😬
He understands the word “no” right? This is weaponized incompetence
He knew exactly what you were asking and chose to do it anyway. And now he’s trying to manipulate you into letting it go. Stop baking for him. He sounds pretty selfish, if that’s true, I think you should reconsider the entire relationship.
Make banana bread again with laxative chocolates in it 🤣🤣🤣🤣
You feel sad because you just realized that your boyfriend is a dick. It’s bad enough to completely ignore your wishes and destroy or compromise your hard work, but then to play childish word games….absolutely disrespectful and immature. Not sure what you would be TA about, but NTA…he is for sure.
If his boss told him “hey, that widget is fresh off the machine but not ready to be used yet”, do you think he’d assume it was free to use? That his boss hadn’t specifically made it clear enough that he was supposed to leave it alone?
If the answer is “Yes, he would use the widget” then your BF is an idiot and do you really want a lifetime with someone that dim? If the answer is “No, of course not” then you know he is fine with ignoring you and then pretending that whatever he did was really your fault for failing to communicate in just. the. right way. He knew you didn’t want him to cut the banana bread but he didn’t care because he wanted to cut the banana bread.
Of course he’s being disrespectful. Of course he disregarded you. NTA.
Stop making it for him
Does he gaslight you like this all the time? I’m exhausted for you.
I’m going to take a wild guess and say, your boyfriend feels you try to tell him what to do too much. He clearly understood what you were saying and purposely did it anyway. Do you tell him what to do a lot? I feel it’s more something like this. He just didn’t realise he would mess up the banana bread by not listening. It just gives me (example) if you tell him no shoes on the rug, and it’s his rug as much as yours so he will purposely wear shoes on the rug, if you get what I’m trying to say.
Honestly I think you were more vague than you realize because you didn’t say why, and to people who don’t bake it’s not obvious what the issue is. I don’t bake and I would’ve assumed what your boyfriend did. Not that you were setting a boundary, but thinking you were saying it’s too hot or it might not be good yet, not that it would mess up the loaf. So I could see thinking well, my loss if it’s not as good yet. So you’re sad because you think he understood all that and was being dismissive but really I think you were expecting some mind-reading
He would rather ask Forgiveness than permission.
He’s self-absorbed.
He’s also not very smart. Most intelligent people know that things cooked need to rest so, for example, meat rests so the juices soak back into the meat before cutting. Baked goods, as the OP noted, need to rest as well.
Sometimes, small things add up over time to reveal who a person truly is. Time to evaluate him, OP.
NTA. Have a long talk and if he does not respect your logical positions (banana bread will taste better if its allowed to properly rest/cool anyway) – then dump his Red-Flag-behind.
What’s so hard to understand about “it’s NOT ready to cut yet”? I do a lot of baking for my bf (we don’t live together so I always bring it with me when I see him) but I always leave some of it behind for my family at home to eat, yet my mum ALWAYS, without fail, asks if she can have some before taking some. She never assumes. She’s respectful, she’s understanding. Whenever I bake cakes for my boyfriend for special occasions like his birthday, I always tell people so they know not to touch it. And I always bring a slice home for them to try because I know they’ll want to (my mum at least). But if my mum can respect my baking without me having to say anything to her, your boyfriend should be able to respect you saying “it’s not ready to cut yet”. NTA
He knew exactly what you meant, and he didn’t care. Simple as that. Do with it what you will. But it is only banana bread…
NTA. I’m guessing he’s not great with other boundaries either, and that anything you say is taken as a suggestion, not information.
NTA. It’s not just banana bread. You put time and effort into something and asked him not to mess it up. He looked at you, indicated he understood, and then did it anyway. That’s shitty, but whatever.
Most important issue: now he’s pretending he didn’t understand, you’re misremembering, there was a miscommunication. That is abusive behavior. It’s not a pack-the-bags moment but it is not about banana bread at that point. It’s about … hey… why are you doing all that to avoid saying sorry… do you really want to go down that road? It could be over in a moment but he’s choosing to double down?
My husband did this a lot when we met and I quickly discovered it was a learned trait from his family. The tiny issue doesn’t matter at all. What matters is that he’s not going to sit there and try to make me feel crazy instead of saying sorry, ESPECIALLY over something meaningless. It’s not ok. Separate that from the tiny issue, it’s a new one that matters, respect for you as a person with a brain who just saw what happened and is being told you’re crazy.
Oh no this would drive me up a wall NTA! Your gonna directly do the opposite of what I asked you to do and then when I call you out get all cute with semantics? No way buddy
His story– “My thumbs up was sarcastic. I wanted to cut into it to tease you because I couldn’t resist your delicious, hot bread. But you got angry. And if I would have admitted my pet-game you would have gotten even angrier, so I made up that I misunderstood you. In all honesty, I thought it was a cute thing to do, albeit childish, but cute in a romantic partner’s kind of way. As in, I can’t resist your awesome banana bread.”
It’s like when the father in A Christmas Story eats a bite of the turkey.