Okay, for complete clarity, my brother(mid 30’s) is kind of an A-hole at times. Our dog is at that grey area where they aren’t quite so old that life is endless pain, but they are getting close and they really struggle with bowel movements and other issues, so they aren’t the most pleasant animal to be around. Like it or not, it’s only a matter of time until they need to be sent to the vet and allowed to sleep for good. While the exact timing is in debate, everyone understands it needs to happen in the near future, I (M, early 30’s) am the one who ends up cleaning up the many messes that result from her lack of control. My older brother said he understands, but he is really close to this dog and just doesn’t want to know when it happens. That was literally his only request in this whole situation, don’t tell him when the deed was to be done.
The day has come, my dad (early 60’s) decides it can’t be put off anymore. and point blank tells my brother it’s happening tomorrow. I can tell my brother is bothered about this, but he lets it go. After he leaves, I remind my dad that his only request was not to be told when it was happening. My dad goes off, upset that I would ‘call him out’ when he was “defending me”, since I am the one who has to clean up after the dog most often.
Okay, so I tried to be objective but it’s hard to remain so without literally writing an auto-biography to fully flesh out all of the relevant background details, so from here on out I admit its all very much in my feelings. My dad has many complaints about how his life with his adult children has turned out, and in fairness he is more often than not correct. Like, 70-90% of the time he is correct in his complaint… but that 10-30% time he’s wrong? He literally cannot admit he is wrong. Even the slightest acknowledgement that he might be in the wrong in a situation is being “disrespectful.” It does not matter if the discussion is about an objective fact about reality that can be shown to him with scientific precision, how dare we correct him.
So to wrap this up, my dad wants to kill our dog in a humane way to make sure she doesn’t suffer anymore/ruin our carpets anymore (for the purposes of this discussion, just assume he is on the right side of this point as I do not have the veterinary expertise to assess when the ideal time for putting a dog to sleep is… or what details would be relevant for someone else to make that assesment. She’s a VERY old dog.) But he violated my brothers request to not tell him about it, and became very defensive when called out about it.
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Okay, for complete clarity, my brother(mid 30’s) is kind of an A-hole at times. Our dog is at that grey area where they aren’t quite so old that life is endless pain, but they are getting close and they really struggle with bowel movements and other issues, so they aren’t the most pleasant animal to be around. Like it or not, it’s only a matter of time until they need to be sent to the vet and allowed to sleep for good. While the exact timing is in debate, everyone understands it needs to happen in the near future, I (M, early 30’s) am the one who ends up cleaning up the many messes that result from her lack of control. My older brother said he understands, but he is really close to this dog and just doesn’t want to know when it happens. That was literally his only request in this whole situation, don’t tell him when the deed was to be done.
The day has come, my dad (early 60’s) decides it can’t be put off anymore. and point blank tells my brother it’s happening tomorrow. I can tell my brother is bothered about this, but he lets it go. After he leaves, I remind my dad that his only request was not to be told when it was happening. My dad goes off, upset that I would ‘call him out’ when he was “defending me”, since I am the one who has to clean up after the dog most often.
Okay, so I tried to be objective but it’s hard to remain so without literally writing an auto-biography to fully flesh out all of the relevant background details, so from here on out I admit its all very much in my feelings. My dad has many complaints about how his life with his adult children has turned out, and in fairness he is more often than not correct. Like, 70-90% of the time he is correct in his complaint… but that 10-30% time he’s wrong? He literally cannot admit he is wrong. Even the slightest acknowledgement that he might be in the wrong in a situation is being “disrespectful.” It does not matter if the discussion is about an objective fact about reality that can be shown to him with scientific precision, how dare we correct him.
So to wrap this up, my dad wants to kill our dog in a humane way to make sure she doesn’t suffer anymore/ruin our carpets anymore (for the purposes of this discussion, just assume he is on the right side of this point as I do not have the veterinary expertise to assess when the ideal time for putting a dog to sleep is… or what details would be relevant for someone else to make that assesment. She’s a VERY old dog.) But he violated my brothers request to not tell him about it, and became very defensive when called out about it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: calling out my dad for not respecting my brothers desire not to know when our dog is put down, 2: my brother is an A-Hole, and my dad is often correct in general and insists that pointingn out when he is wrong is disrespectful
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Verdict: NAH (but it’s messy and sad all around)
This is such a heavy situation—grief, caretaking stress, family dynamics, and control all tangled up in one old dog. Everyone seems to be acting from a place of pain, even if it’s coming out in hard-to-handle ways.
Your dad made the call about the dog’s euthanasia, which sounds like a necessary but heartbreaking decision. He probably felt the weight of that deeply, and maybe in telling your brother, he thought he was being transparent or honouring the emotional connection. But your brother’s request was clear, and it wasn’t about controlling the situation—just about coping in the only way he felt he could.
You reminding your dad of that boundary wasn’t disrespectful—it was a moment of advocating for emotional safety in a hard time. It’s unfortunate that your dad took it as a challenge to his authority or intent. That might say more about his own discomfort with being questioned than about what you actually said.
You might ask yourself: Was there a gentler way I could’ve said it that might’ve landed better with him? And maybe your dad could ask himself: Is it possible to lead with compassion without needing to be right every time?
None of this is easy. You’re in a thankless spot, juggling physical care and emotional fallout. Give yourself some credit for trying to hold empathy for everyone involved—even when they’re making it tough.
NTA for simply standing up as you did. It’s weird that you need to ask.
And sure, your father might even be right in many of his decisions, but people who can’t accept being confronted without flipping tables and playing the outrage card are the worst to deal with.
You’re both assholes for being in your 30s and still living with your dad, then making childish requests around the dog that he has to go have put to sleep. Did you stop to think that maybe it’s hard for your dad too? Grow up.
NTA
ESH. Part of being a custodian and guardian to your pet is to hold them while they cross the last bridge.
If you love them, you go in and hold them instead of being surrounded by strangers in a strange place wondering why they get needles now and wondering where their family is.
Your brother sucks because they are “so close” to this old dog but won’t do the BIGGEST support they need.
You suck for also not handling this pet situation like am adult and instead once AGAIN making your father have to handle the hard parts in life.
Your father only sucks for raising adult-sized toddlers that can’t put on their big kid pants to give their pet a dignified farewell. Praying how you “adults” handle your father’s passing since he’s the only one making the tough calls.
Okay, I tried to leave this part out but I can already see several people getting caught up on it. My eldest brother has lived with my dad his whole life, while I left for the military and only relatively recently returned to live with my dad. after exiting the military I had a frank discussion with him: I could buy my own house with my savings and just go my own way… no spouse or significant other, but it would be “traditional”. Alternatively, I could use that money to build a large add-on to our family home and move back in with him, we would both have access to a house that was nicer than what I could afford on my own, he would get to spend his twilight years with more reliabe help around the house, all in all a win-win. sure, the inheritance after his death might get a bit complicated since I sank a ton of money into the house, but hopefully he doesnt die anytime soon so there should be plenty of time to work that out. If all you have to say it “EWW, adult children living with their parents!?!”, then you are the one that needs to grow the hell up.
I don’t necessarily think your TA but I don’t think it was necessary to go off on your father either. Dogs are beautiful creatures and when you’ve had one for so long they are part of the family, so when the time comes for them to leave this earth it’s heartbreaking. It’s literally experiencing a death in the family. Yes your brother requested not to be told when it was going to happen but in the moment of having to also say goodbye to a dog your father has known for ages it’s easy to forget these sort of things. Especially when you are the one left to clean up the mess all the time, he was looking out for you in that moment and then you upped him so it’s understandable he went off. He shouldn’t have but emotions easily get the better of us. Yes knowing what is going to happen to the dog is upsetting but one minute the dog is there and the next it’s gone. He would know eventually and it doesn’t change what is happening. Being so close to the dog he would notice the minute she is no longer in the house… would he not? Also being so close to the dog wouldn’t he want to say goodbye? Maybe your dad thought that even though your brother had said he didn’t want to know that when the time came he would want to have a chance to say goodbye.