I honestly feel blessed my dad even offered to help – He’s always been generous and I know not everyone gets help like this. I really do appreciate it but growing up he always said that when my sister and I got married we’d each get fifteen thousand dollars to use however we wanted. Whether it was for a big wedding, eloping, saving for a house, it was supposed to be our choice.
My sister got married a couple years ago and had a big traditional wedding. My dad paid for everything with his credit card and she tracked all the costs in a spreadsheet. It ended up being about fifteen thousand.
Now I’m engaged and my fiancé and I decided we want to elope and keep it super simple so we can save for a house. But now my dad is acting kind of weird about the money. He doesn’t really like the elopement idea and keeps saying we should just use his credit card and track expenses like my sister did.
The thing is we are not planning to spend anywhere near the full amount. I was hoping he would just give us the money like he always said so we could use it how we want. I get that maybe it feels different for him if he is not directly paying for stuff, but it kind of feels like we only get the full amount if we do things his way…. !?
Am I being a spoiled brat for not wanting to follow the exact same plan my sister did?
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I honestly feel blessed my dad even offered to help – He’s always been generous and I know not everyone gets help like this. I really do appreciate it but growing up he always said that when my sister and I got married we’d each get fifteen thousand dollars to use however we wanted. Whether it was for a big wedding, eloping, saving for a house, it was supposed to be our choice.
My sister got married a couple years ago and had a big traditional wedding. My dad paid for everything with his credit card and she tracked all the costs in a spreadsheet. It ended up being about fifteen thousand.
Now I’m engaged and my fiancé and I decided we want to elope and keep it super simple so we can save for a house. But now my dad is acting kind of weird about the money. He doesn’t really like the elopement idea and keeps saying we should just use his credit card and track expenses like my sister did.
The thing is we are not planning to spend anywhere near the full amount. I was hoping he would just give us the money like he always said so we could use it how we want. I get that maybe it feels different for him if he is not directly paying for stuff, but it kind of feels like we only get the full amount if we do things his way…. !?
Am I being a spoiled brat for not wanting to follow the exact same plan my sister did?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I’m asking my dad to give me a lump sum of money instead of going along with the system he prefers. He might feel like I’m being ungrateful or entitled since I’m not doing things the way my sister did, and I can see how that could come off as bratty.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Info: does your dad want to be a part of your wedding, and by eloping, does your incidental exclusion of him hurt him than he would care to admit?
[deleted]
INFO: does your father actually have the $15K cash?
since your sister’s wedding was paid with CC, I highly doubt he has the cash and it can be the reason why he wants you to spend money for the wedding using CC. it’ll be more expensive for him getting cash advance from CC since it’ll give him higher interest rate
YTA your dad isn’t gifting money he’s paying for a wedding. It’s not your money.
NTA
NTA. But have a conversation and ask your dad if he has the cash. He may only be able to afford it using a credit card. Lack of cash flow may be what is happening.
NTA
If you wanna elope then elope, it’s your wedding.
But be prepared he may decide to reneg on his promise. Especially if it turns out he just doesn’t actually have the money. When he first made the offer he may have just assumed you were gonna choose something that he could just put on a card and pay off slowly instead of choosing the cash option.
Money is a fickle thing, and it makes people just as fickle.
When it comes to money promised in the future, whether it’s a gift, inheritance, or a debt repaid, it’s best to plan like it’s not gonna ever be given or payed. That way if it comes, great, and if it doesn’t, it’s not gonna leave you in a bad spot.
INFO : is this eloping no family or really small simple backyard ceremony eloping? Is dad invited to the elopement?
NTA. Your priorities are right and you’re just going by what he originally said. At the end of the day though it’s his choice whether to give you the money, so be prepared for the possibility he may not come through.
NTA. He set the expectations of the money first and only changes his mind when your choice of what to do with it doesn’t match what he would want?? Why even begin the offer like that saying it’s your personal choice just to snatch it back??
He might want to just be a part of you getting married but the first point still stands. I think him being there would make him happy but this situation just seems like it could easily end up with you losing control of your portion. Not a very easy solution unfortunately.
NTA. It’s obviously his choice if he wants to give you the money to use it in your own way, and you should communicate that you appreciate his help and support, but make it clear that the decisions are yours to make. Ask him directly where his thoughts are, and are you right to expect the same treatment he gave to your sister and promised to you no matter what you choose to do.
NAH.
It’s reasonable not to want a big splashy wedding that will require a large amount of money to be spent on it, and to direct whatever money is saved to a house deposit. You and your fiancé actually sound very mature and sensible.
But it’s your dad’s money, not yours. Fair or not, he gets to decide. If for some reason he has his heart set on a big splashy wedding (heaven knows why, but each to their own), and nothing short of that will satisfy him, you can’t make him spend it the way you want.
What you can do is sit down with him, thank him for his generosity in being willing to give you anything at all, and explain your reasoning. (Leave your sister out of it. “But you spent $15,000 on her, so I should get that too!” is not going to help your case, and WILL make you sound resentful and entitled.)
Tell your dad how important home ownership is to you and your fiancé, how it will help set a solid foundation for your married life and the family you may wish to have one day.
In my country, house prices are going through the roof, and rapidly becoming unaffordable for young couples on an average wage. Is that also the case where you live? Then tell him that. Tell him you fear never being able to afford a home of your own if house prices keep increasing the way they have been. Tell him how frustrating it would be to spend this money on a single day, when the money could be contributing to something so much more lasting and meaningful to you.
But also ASK him why he feels the way he does. WHY does he want the big wedding? WHY is he uncomfortable with the idea of an elopement? And listen, really LISTEN to his answers. He may have a reason that isn’t obvious to you or to me.
I can’t promise that this will solve your problem, but at least the two of you will understand each other a bit better.
Best of luck.
YTA
I hate to say it because if he told you “to use as you want” then you are technically right. But the way you are taking this comes off as gross. You are getting married and instead of you being happy and your dad being happy, all your priorities are in getting cash from your dad. It comes off as entitled. It sours the relationship if you push this. He made you an offer as a kid, he wasnt some business partner with a contract…
I’m not crazy about the “we only get the whole amount” kind of mentality. I think approaching him and talking with him how you and your sister aren’t totally alike (which is one reason why he loves you both) and you and your fiancé don’t want the big wedding line your sister. Maybe lay out some details of why this option makes sense for yall as a couple. Also, spending $15k on a single day, isn’t financially responsible. It’s the commitment to each other that adds the value and significance to the day. Maybe suggest if he is adamant to help financially, perhaps he can get your home savings account set up with a nice little lump sum. I know too many people who spends 10’s of thousands on a wedding they’re still paying off, and in the end, it’s just a day, you don’t remember every detail and your wedding album does get looked at nearly as often as you’d think! You are NTA
NTA. I would just say, “I always relied on what you had always offered. My sister chose to spend hers on the wedding, I’d like to spend mine on a house.” If he changed his mind, it would mean that he’s favoring your sister over you. Which would be unfortunate.
You might want to, when no one else is around to hear the conversation, check and see if 15 grand in cash is actually doable at the moment, he might be in a cash flow crunch or something, and talk to him about getting it from him at a future date if the plan is to be saving it anyway
But NTA
Is it possible dad doesn’t have the cash? He paid for sisters wedding on cc and now pushing for you to also use his cc to pay for yours. Credit may be all has to be able offer you.
> He doesn’t really like the elopement idea
If you tell people in advance, it’s NOT “eloping.”
Elopements are spontaneous and secretive. You disappear one day, and when you’re back, you’re married.
He doesn’t have the money. He’s using credit cards. NTA
I understand your perspective, and as the parent I would 100% do a dollar amount: spend it or get it. But my advice would be to not make this a fight. There are hills worth dying on with family, money, and wedding control, but IMO this isn’t one of them. It’s his gift to give as he wishes.
I think other commenters have made a good point in saying he may not have the money in cash.
I also think it’s worth the thought exercise of putting yourself in his shoes. If you think of this in non-wedding terms, people give conditional money gifts all the time. My mom offered to pay for my kids’ new coats a few years ago. She wasn’t offering up just a cash sum for whatever: she wasn’t offering to pay for the coats. My parents sometimes pay for the whole table when we go out to dinner, but it’s not like they would have Venmoed us $50 if we hadn’t shown up.
Plenty of parents go way overboard in controlling their kids’ weddings, but I don’t get that sense from this situation. It seems more like your dad is saying, “I am offering to pay for your wedding. I want you to have a special day. I want to celebrate that special day with you. I don’t care what venue you get or what your flowers are, but I want to share your special day. That’s what the money is on the table for, not just a blank check.” And I don’t think that’s a terrible stipulation to make. It’s a different view of the situation than you have, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It’s just two people with different, perfectly valid views.
So I would let it go. Have the wedding you want. If it’s something he’s willing to pay for, great. If not, say, “That’s fine” and mean it. There are also gray areas where you might find common ground. Would he pay for part of your honeymoon? Buy you a furniture set you need? Give you his credit card for a pantry stock up Costco trip when you get home from your honeymoon? You probably aren’t going to get the full $15k that way, sure, but it might make a difference.
I’m saying NAH. But I think if you keep pushing your dad about it, you could move into A H territory.
YTA – You want to go get married without your father even being invited and expect him to hand over 15k for the pleasure?
What planet are you on where you’d think that was normal and socially acceptable?
YTA. He offered to pay for your wedding, not give you a chunk of cash. Gifts comes with expectations and that is his.
It seems he doesn’t have the cash up front, therefore is relying on the credit card. If he his adamant on putting everything on his credit card and keeping a spreadsheet, maybe he could purchase big ticket items for said house when the time comes. Like appliances, furniture etc.
Nta but it sounds like he screwed up by telling you that he would just give you money. My parents said they would pay for the wedding, they would not give me cash if we decided to elope. They wanted to celebrate us and they wanted to see us get married.
I don’t think you sound anything like a spoiled brat.
He may not have the cash which is why he used a card. Something he can pay over time.
INFO- Could you do a small courthouse wedding where you invite your dad, other close folks and your fiancé’s folks as witnesses? It does seem spoiled to ask your dad for money when you don’t even want to invite him to your wedding.
Ok, you know what?
I wouldn’t want to hand over fifteen thousand either.
I wouldn’t have an issue with it being used for life supporting purposes; but handing over cash? Nope!
If you want to use it for a house? No problem. Fill out the spreadsheet for costs, awesome. You want to use it to elope and have some left over for a house? Fill out the spreadsheet as costs arise, awesome.
But to just hand over fifteen thousand with no oversight? Absolutely not.
You didn’t win lotto, you just happen to have a supportive parent!
YTA
He probably doesn’t have $15k in cash, which is why he paid for your sister on a credit card
YTA – I’ll make it clear – as a parent there are 2 things for my kids I want to do – their tertiary education expenses and a wedding.
If you do not want a wedding, that is my money not yours. It’s not for you to demand that money for a downpayment on a house or any other reason. I didn’t save it for that. I do not owe you that.
I saved my money for a wedding celebration that includes our family. It’s fine if you don’t want that but you are not entitled to my $ for other purposes.
YTA
This isn’t money for whatever. It’s for a wedding. That means if you don’t have a wedding, you don’t get the money.
Nta. He set an expectation for you, let you believe it came without a catch 22. Now. For him to be weird about it is messed up.
He was paying for a party in which he would be an honored guest. He might not want to pay you just for marrying without him as a witness. It’s not the same. You could ask for that money for a down payment on a house and throw a house warming party with your father as an honored guest to thank if (if he gives the money).
I think you are acting entitled to dad’s money- there are always strings attached when concerning money.
NTA. your father promised money to use however you wanted.
Forgive me, but what exactly do you mean when you say “elope”?
It doesn’t sound like you have to spend the money on a wedding like your sisters. Talk to him about using the money to pay your rent for a bit, or pay down debt so you can save that amount + towards a house. I don’t see why you automatically jumped to “I have to use it for a wedding like my sister’s, which is (obviously/s) him attaching strings to money.“ – He may just need to give you money through his credit card, and not in cash.
You don’t mention if he rescinded his offer unless you do things his way. I’m sure there’s info you left out, most people do. Based on this, you may be an asshole if you make any moves based on assumptions. Talk to your dad. You probably don’t know his finances, so lay out a plan for how the money will be spent, whether it be on rent or other necessary expenses that will allow you to save money towards a house. $15,000 doesn’t have to look like a wad of cash.
I see a lot of people aren’t actually reading what you’ve said –
Your father said you and your sister could have $15,000 each for whatever you wanted – a house, a wedding, etc….
I think it’s fair to assume he didn’t actually mean “whatever you wanted,” but that you could use it on a major life expense that’s not a wedding, yes?
You need to have a conversation with him. It’s perfectly reasonable for him to say no to giving you cash. I wouldn’t do it either, I’d write a check for the down payment, etc….
It seems like your dad wants to be there when you get married.
I’d consider a small ceremony and a dinner – just immediate family, get beautiful photos made, have a romantic day – spend a small amount and ask if he’d be willing to apply the rest to the purchase of a house.
He may also not have the money at the moment.
Maybe he wants to be at the wedding. Would it work to have a very, very small wedding or to kind of “elope” but bring along some friends and family?
I feel like we are missing some context…..
OP how old are you? How long have you been with your partner? How old is your sister? How long was she with her partner?
There’s gotta be more to this story
YTA
Elope, take the cash (even if it’s only a fraction) and use it for a house.
Avoid wedding drama, enjoy a honeymoon, throw a party after if you want.
My opinion is you’re LESS of a spoiled brat for wanting to keep things simple. Ask your dad if he wants a wedding or would be ok with you putting it towards your life goals. It’s more sensible. Perhaps he’s just upset because he wants to be part of your day. Communicate with him.
YTA. It’s not your money to spend. You didn’t earn it. You’re not entitled to it.