What has previously stopped you from approaching a woman you were really attracted to?
What has previously stopped you from approaching a woman you were really attracted to?
r/AskMen
What has previously stopped you from approaching a woman you were really attracted to?
Comments
It’s mostly the fear of rejection paired with low self-esteem
I didn’t think I could bag her
I’m not a creep. Years and years of ‘leave us alone’ and now we’re listening.
Usually circumstances being unfavorable to what I would be interested in. e.g. when I met a nice woman abroad, I didn’t approach her because even if we clicked perfectly, I’m not looking for a long distance relationship. Similarly I had a case where I just had too much stuff to take care of by myself, so I would have neglected the relationship if I were to get in one. So I simply didn’t pursue the prospect I had.
Being shy.
Not feeling the attraction was mutual.
Not wanting to bother her.
Her personality
Fear of rejection, awareness of my flaws and lack of looks… Basically, I stopped myself most of the time.
Her husband
Women have been screaming for the last couple decades or more not to approach them unless they want you to. I see a lot of very pretty women who look single, but they don’t give me any kind of clear signal to approach.
I’ve gone past fearing rejection and I now expect it. So I don’t approach women for the same reason I don’t buy lottery tickets, I know I’m not going to win so there’s no point in trying.
I feel like everytime I log onto this subreddit, this question is asked. Is this bot aura farming at this point?
When I was younger, I didn’t ask out a friend from school for two reasons: I’d never seen anything to suggest she was interested in me romantically, though we were close. And secondly, she was much more mature than me – it wouldn’t have lasted a month, if that.
There’s always a reason though – we’re not a good match, she has kids, she lives too far away etc.
My wife /s
She was my sister’s friend so out of respect I didn’t say anything and kept interactions to a reasonable minimum. That being said I could not stop looking at her eyes any chance I got because they were the most beautiful shade of amber.
Fear of rejection and feeling not good enough
My objective flaws and not wanting to bother anyone
I just don’t interact with people in general
Her mental illness 😂
Attractive women, historically in my book, do not equal an attractive experience.
My abnormally large and very thick feel for being rejected.
No money
Tbh it’s because so many people have told me that I’m intimidating. Even my friends have admitted I used to scare the sh*t out of them before they learned how I am.
So I generally don’t approach people. If someone approaches me then I’ll gladly respond and they’ll see me light up with a smile, but I don’t approach others in fear that I’ll scare them.
Knowing she wouldn’t like me back
Also, knowing how awkward it would be post-rejection
A feeling that i was not worth it. I felt I was a bad person who wouldn’t be liked for being myself
I saw myself in the mirror and had a quick reality check.
My wife
I read all the time women don’t like to be approached in person, I have tried a few times in my teens or early 20s and they weren’t real friendly so I said Fk it and just ignore women in public, I will only interact with men unless I have to interact with women. I’m 34 now.
She started telling me about how the earth is flat
Being shy.
I have zero social skills. I could approach and say hi, but what to do after that I have no fucking clue.
They’re fucking psychos now.
Low self-esteem. Lack of confidence. Her being a coworker. Age difference.
The hundred-odd women who were only attracted to the emotional validation and support I gave them – not me as a person.
ETA:
Before I met my wife, the women who expressed any interest in me as a partner fell into at least one of the following categories:
I realize my experience isn’t indicative of women as a whole, but like with wealth, a lot of positive social experiences aren’t equally distributed.
I assume the real life success rate is approximately equal to the match rate on the apps.
I still do it, but only when I almost literally bump into an woman I like while out walking my dog or something.
Unless she shows signs that she’s attracted to me I’ll leave her alone to enjoy her day rather than hassle her.
Me potato -> job make potato tired -> potato sad -> potato see girl -> potato don’t have energy -> potato go home watch videos and sleep -> potato repeat
It’s not worth it anymore.
Terror.
Abject and all consuming Terror.
Fear of rejection, happens to be my friends sister + not sure how they’d all take it
I wasn’t ready for a relationship and was too busy spending time doing things I liked and my hobbies. I figured I’d be ready when I was ready. Still had flings here and there, but I was always more focused on myself, personal satisfaction, and growing (career wise and personal).
Ended up finding a wife a couple years ago (holy moly, 9 years) that I love and now have a family with. She approached me
I’m already convinced that I’ll be rejected, so it’s not worth trying
At The Last Day of School i was going to confess to a Girl that is my Friend, bur when i gathered courage to tell her, her little sister(who i think hates me) just dragged her home and now half a year later i am counting the days to see her again, we still play online but i want to be on personal, specially since much time passed and we would need to ger closer again
What? Men have reasons for not approaching women they like? But women are trying to convince each other that if he wanted to, he would. 🤔
Total inability to determine whether they mean to advertise single-ness or not. People used to wear rings. Now, people don’t get married until 30ish and I’m tired of asking women out totally purposelessly. We should bring “attached” ring-wearing into style.
This guy explains it super well here. He explains the guys perspective to women in a way that validates women’s experiences but also highlights it’s all on us and it sucks trying to navigate it. This was also before MeToo and the Bear
Watching “I hate men” comments everyday.
Her bf.
Anxiety. Honestly Anxiety is probably the leading cause of inaction for me in all areas of my life.
They were married, I was married.. then I was emotionally broken after the marriage fell apart
I know any hypothetical woman I’d be interested in isn’t interested in me so I don’t bother
Motivation. Sometimes it’s just “I could go talk to her and it’s unclear if I will be rejected OR I could catch the earlier train, get home earlier and just enjoy a leasurely evening without having to think about rejection at all.” and sometimes the leasurely evening just wins.
It’s a mix of being far too shy and assuming I’d just be bothering them.
My looks.
My wife
Her husband
It’s the same reason I don’t walk into a Ferrari dealer and ask them the price.
Wrong league.
Their husband.
Two big things.
I get that “the worst they can say is no”, but I am not really in a great position for another no. I’m kind of in one of those positions where I just need a win of some kind. So I’m just going to avoid a potential no.
I just haven’t really felt very good about myself this side of the pandemic. I feel like I let a lot go and I’m not bouncing back. Which especially sucks when I realize it’s 4ish to 5ish years since the lockdowns.
It can lead to cancelations, public shame and lost of my job
She mentioned to her friend that she thought my other friend was hot.
Did not feel like I wanted to compete with a friend for her so I did not.
They always want to be left alone so i ignore them in public and don’t even make eye contact, thats what they want
When I was younger it was being made fun of for my race. Now that I’m older it’s been 20 years of women online saying that men should leave them alone. That men should never approach a woman in public.
Just a quick search showed ones like this
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6Aoe0fGxhfY
I’ve seen this hundreds of times. It’s enough with enough different women that I think men have largely taken the message.
I don’t want to bother her or make her feel uncomfortable
Years of nothing but rejection from women has skewed my opinion on my desirability. These days, I often reject myself before I even make eye contact with someone I’m attracted to, assuming they’ll reject me regardless of the impression I make. I’ve been working on my self-esteem thanks to therapy but it’s a difficult and long process.
lol beyond the internet i used to go to college within the last 5 years and the amount of anti male rhetoric so openly displayed was ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s still present because I hear the sentiment out in public.
Why tf would GOOD men want to approach if THAT is the aura that’s being put out into the air about them?
Approaching women for a date feels creepy. No matter which way you swing it.
I’d much rather meet someone through circumstance or in a situation where a date was what we were both looking for.
Embarrassment/Anxiety, women not wanting you approaching them, worried she might actually be a minor, no actual good way to approach cause she was working.
That’s about it
My body image mixed with avoiding being called a creep
I don’t really need another financial and emotional expense at the moment
I lifetime of experience of women being disinterested or sometimes repulsed. The constant embarrassment and humiliation, misreading of my intent constantly follows me around like trauma. Then, further judgement when I’m vocal and transparent about it. Nearly all of my successful encounters and connections made have some kind of mutual approach with clear, unmistakeable indicators of interest. None of this vague, subjective “read” the “signals” and “moment” nonsense. Just people using their words to clearly communicate. There may have been a lot of missed opportunities for me but I don’t last long with people who are not clear communicators.
I have this mental blockage that makes me think I do not deserve things I want in life, so if it takes any efforts whatsoever, I do not do it.
I was easier to make peace with that notion than fight it.
No evidence that she is kind or caring.
The vast majority of women are just expectation factories that genuinely don’t care about me. They just believe themselves to be a prize that I need to earn. It’s so standard at this point that I would rather approach known kind women than to just see if an attractive one is kind. The odds are very bad.
And no… I’m not hurt. I’ve had almost entirely good experiences with women I have dated. The kind women are rare, but they are very good. It’s just that I listen to most women talk and I’m just glad I’m not trying to date them…. Others talk and they sound genuinely nice. So I only approach women I’ve already heard are nice.
I overanalyze the situation leading me to believe that anything that isnt a “good” sign, must be a bad sign, pushing me away from making a move.
So I end up either fumbling the interaction or avoiding it all together.
Being worried about my appearance, lack of faith in my social skills, just generally feeling “insufficient” or “defective”, etc.
Back in my lonely days, any time I got signals of interest from a woman, I would put myself under such immense pressure to do and say the right thing I pretty much paralysed myself. In an effort to put my best foot forward, I cut my best foot off!
For me it’s usually because she’s at work. Never hit on a girl at work.
Her not wanting to be near me.
Not wanting her to think I’m a creep.
The same old question : “What in the fuck am I going to say to her ?”
I’ve never been good at starting conversations. Most of the time, I’m the one being approched… Mostly by dudes looking to be buddies, which is unfortunate if I wanna meet a girl.
If I think she’s attractive, she clearly has better options than me.
I always think to myself wait she can and will ruin your life..
Fear of rejection and low self esteem. Plus I went through puberty during the height of the ‘Leave us alone’ movement of the last two decades, so the only thing teenage me was learning about how to talk to girls was to not do it otherwise I was ‘creepy’, so growing up I didn’t have a fucking clue how to talk to a girl anyway
I thought about it, and as attractive as she was, I realized our personalities and interests were not a good match, so I didn’t pursue her despite her showing interest.
I’m married. So there’s that.
I’ve internalized a great deal of literature and discourse about which venues are appropriate for approaching women and landed on “I shouldn’t approach women.”
Because her signals became unclear, inconsistent, and distant, and deep down, I didn’t want to chase someone who might not be emotionally available or interested.
So I paused to protect my self-respect.
I’m not like the Hollywood guy “How you doin’?” type. I’m the spend seven months getting to know someone while slowly opening up type.
society gave women a gun they can trigger with their tongues, by shooting it, it completely ruins a man’s life, i just don’t wanna get shot by said gun
Overthinking and a phone call
Living in a culture that shames, lambasts, and demonizes guys for acting on their attraction to women.
The guaranteed knowledge that there was absolutely no way in hell she was going to be interested in a schlub like me.
Shyness, self-esteem, self-sabotage, not wanting to be a nuisance…
I always find an excuse.
If the perceived chance of success is too far below the perceived chance of rejection, I’d rather save everyone time and just go about my day.
The fact that I’m already married.
got tired of it. dating isnt how it was before covid. now everyone heavily relies on social media on how to portray a person. Dude i dont need to here that you got a PhD in tiktok
I didn’t feel good enough. I could have asked her out, but then what? I didn’t have a car or anything.
Am I supposed to approach every attractive woman?
But the serious answer, for me anyway, is her being with friends or family. One on one, not a problem. At least not back when I used to do those things. Today it might be a problem, because it’s not the same as it used to be.
Usually because I see them with a guy, or wearing a wedding ring. Otherwise, usually because it’s not in what I figure to be a socially acceptable setting. If it was something like a concert or bar or something and they were obviously taken, I might consider it. I’m not going to talk to a women jogging alone in the park or buying groceries or something.
The problem is, I never see anyone not obviously taken in social settings either.
They are expensive.
Being aware she had standards
Women never signal me that they’re attracted. I am afraid of approaching women not just because of anxiety but also because I’ve heard so often that they do not like being approached and bothered, so I’m waiting until she gives me some non-verbal clue that she’s interested, since women almost never approach men. But unfortunately women do not ever seem to notice me, even though I put a lot of effort into my looks…
I don’t know what to do yall, some advice would be appreciated.
I’ve been with my wife for over 25 years so it’s been a while since I even thought about it but back before I got married it was usually nothing more than basic fear of rejection. And it’s a funny thing too because I had gone up to women more times than I can count and got rejected all the time so it’s not like I ever suffered any real harm from rejection. And it’s not like I always let the fear of rejection hold me back because like I said I went up to more women than I can count. But sometimes the fear, at least on that particular day or something, just kept me from approaching someone.
Nowadays though, even though modern dating seems really weird, if I was single for whatever reason I’m pretty sure I’d be able to figure it out with women my age. It would be pretty shitty to have spent a quarter of a century with someone and not learn something from it.
That I wasn’t going to have at least 20 mins of talk with her.
I was false accused of Rape and Sexual assault my freshman year of highschool. It really changed my perception of women. I’ll never put myself in a position where I can’t prove my innocence so approaching women is out the window by default no matter how attractive she is.
Laziness. Or circumstances made it inappropriate.
She was a coworker on the same team. Risk was high. If she gave me any hint that she liked me too, maybe. But she gave me 0.
Nothing…because all they can do is say “I’m not interested “ and you keep it moving. I’ve had the pleasure in my life to have met women again whom previously had turned me down, via a mutual friend. Small world, indeed! 😜😜🤣🤣😎😎
Her boyfriend…
I was young and lacked self confidence.
The only places where I am regularly in contact with women are either at work or the gym. Both places where if something goes wrong I could be removed from my job or kicked out from my conveniently located gym.
Outside of those locations I have stopped myself from approaching a woman if she is dressed too revealingly. I have had a nightmare situation years ago where a woman mentioned to me that I probably only wanted to talk to her because I approached her while she was facing away from me and she was wearing very tight clothing. And yes I admit she did have a wonderful figure however that isn’t the only thing I was interested in but she was very loud and clear how I approached her while she was bending over seconds beforehand. So now I just don’t approach women who are wearing revealing clothing
Nothing!
How she was acting, the look on her face or that she was with her friends.
I have no fear of rejection. I just don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, or develop a reputation as a creep.
Which is dumb because if I woman I wasn’t interested in approached me, I wouldn’t be uncomfortable, nor would I find that creepy (as long as she handled rejection tastefully).. But in my experience, the “uncomfortable” and “creep” results have both happened, so I usually don’t even bother unless she’s making the advances first.
Honestly with how much women are obsessed with creepy men, being left alone, being overly sexualized, etc… in today’s society, we’d be better off normalizing women approaching men anyway.
Rejection. Paralyzing fear of rejection.
She lived in the same apartment building as me, I saw her once, maybe twice a month, we were always heading in opposite directions, and she seemed way cooler than me.
Then I got a job at the family-owned grocery store she worked at, and began striking up conversations with her whenever I could.
She found me on my break one day and asked if I wanted to take a walk with her after work.
Six years later, and we’ve been happily living together for the last four years, have a child together, and are planning our wedding.
Being more attracted to my wife
Her husband
Fear of the repercussions; being accused of something, ending up on a facebook “are we dating the same guy” group.
I mostly don’t approach cuz I only recently learned I’m decent enough looking to not automatically be a creep lol.
So now it’s just confidence and motivation. My biggest problem is genuinely motivation. But I also don’t quite have my life together yet. It’s a lot.
The only things really that has stopped me recently is im married. Before that i approached women regularly playing the probability game. Who cares if you get a ton of “nos” as long as you eventually get those “yeses”
Being in a relationship already.
Not wanting to cheat, which is usually why
I know her personality well enough to know it wouldn’t work out
It’s inappropriate to the situation
Tbh, didn’t know her at all so I didn’t know if she would even be the type of person I’d want to hang out with. Her being hot isn’t enough to approach her, especially when I grew up my entire life hearing how women don’t want men approaching them to put it bluntly.
She was too aggressive and only lead with her sexuality. She bit her lip and purred the first time I said hello to her. We had never even had a full conversation. Whenever I tried to have a normal convo with her she was short with but still tries to do things to make me jealous and get my attention.
Mind you, the only reason I said hello when she was passing was because a co-worker said she thought I was racist (she’s mexican). Im just very introverted? Not racist. Now I realize that was just a ploy to get me to make a move so she could be aggressive lol.
I’ve also seen her be mean to every guy she thinks is ugly which is a major turn off.
Her husband
I have a two touch rule
If I don’t run into them twice I don’t make the connection and I apply this rule to all intimacy whether it be sexual, friends, I pretty much only forgo this for networking and connections
She was the office manager where I worked.
She quit her job a month ago, guess who is sleeping in my bed now.
Guys make your move when the timing is right, dont look back
“She’s so pretty she probably already has a boyfriend.”
Followed by:
“And even if she doesn’t she’d never be interested in someone like me.”
To be honest, I’m better about it now that I’m older, more successful, and more confident that I used to be, so sometimes I do just go for it, say “hi” and start a conversation to see what happens. But sometimes my mind does stumble and I relapse back to those kind of thoughts above.
I couldn’t breath, and my stomach was in my shoes. I couldn’t function, let along contemplate conversation.
Not the right place or the right time.
Taken. Didn’t have a chance. Incompatible personality/lifestyle/religion/etc. Wasn’t a good opportunity at that stage in my life.
But I mean, ‘didn’t have a chance’ kind of automatically overrides everything else, doesn’t it?
rejection sensitive dysphoria. A 10 second rejection from her is 20 years worth of negative self talk ammunition in my head.
i think its my financial instability