As per the title. My wife’s friend is divorced and has been single for many years. She feels it’s time to start looking around again, which i obviously understand.
My wife wants to activily help her. Which basically is oke since this is her best friend. But honestly, i feel that “actively” is becoming a touch to….active. Here’s what i know they’ve discussed:
Going out together to actively look for men for her friend to make contact with.
Going on double dates, if necessary to break the ice from the man’s point of view.
Setting up a Tinder or comparable dating profile, including one for my wife to be able to check profiles for her friend.
Going on holidays and weekend city trips together, to basically see if they at least could get the friend laid.
Going on a singles trip together….
Sofar my wife has said no to all but the first. I know that it sounds perfect that she held of the other 4 but it’s the how and why that’s bothering me.
The double date only went of the table when i told her it’d be totally unacceptable to me if my wife goes on a date with another man. Let alone in our rather small community, give me a break…
She reluctantly took the dating profile off the table herself after much contemplating because it would lead to “unwanted attraction” and “that wasn’t fair to those men”. I didn’t say anything, her decision.
The holiday/get aways, with the purpose to get our friend at least laid, went off the table when i asked her what would happen if they’re being approached by 2 men, they’d be drinking and flirting all night and our friend wants to take back 1 to their room. What was my wife going to do? And would she feel comfortable if i did something like that? She hadn’t thought about that, or so she said.
She took the singles holiday off the table herself “because that wouldn’t be fair to the men on said holiday”. You should have seen my wife’s non verbal communication when talking to me about this, it obviously was a very close call and it’s not even completely shut down afaik.
I’m concerned to say the least. Our marriage is struggling, we’re in a dead bedroom (her choice) and in my eyes she’s just a tad to much eager to help our friend. And tbh, i trust my sober wife a 1,000% percent but my drunk wife is an absolute handsy flirt.
If she talks to me about it, i calmly explain how i feel, focussing on the subject alone. I’m not “forbidding” anything or putting down boundaries, bar the double date in our small hometown. It’s her choice after all.
So, if you read all this, what are your thoughts? Would you consider this normal and “acceptable” wingwoman behavior? Would you put your foot down?
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This is far beyond normal wingman work. This is more of a partners in crime feel to it.
There’s wing woman behaviour, and then there’s trying to get myself laid/replace my husband behaviour.
She wants to date too! At “best”, she is purposely leading men on for the attention which is GROSS. At “worst”, she is looking to cheat.
I assumed the double date would be with you. What exactly was their plan to explain the sudden appearance of her husband if the friend found a boyfriend using the double date method? A bit delulu.
It sounds like you and your wife are the ones who should be planning dates or holidays together. Stop focusing on the hypothetical wing woman and tell your wife that all of these plans with her friend has made you realise that your own marriage needs to be worked on. You need to reconnect and tend to your own relationship.
Then work on it. 55 year old woman can figure out how to date without your wife chaperoning. You shouldn’t have to put your foot down, but if you feel your marriage is weak, you need to be a team and fix it.
When you first mentioned double date, I thought “oh okay, that sounds reasonable because her friend is comfortable with OP’s wife and OP” but then you mentioned she would be on a double date with someone else… Nope, absolutely not.
Why can she not go on a double date with you instead of a random? That’s weird and I can’t believe she would even think that would be okay.
Be open to the double date but it has to be with you, not another random. That would be reasonable and safer for everyone involved.
Definitely not normal.
I can understand wanting to go out and maybe help her friend connect, but a whole vacation for that purpose definitely pushes the boundary. It sounds like her friend wants someone to enjoy the single lifestyle with, so maybe she should go on vacation with a single friend.
Double dates would be fine if she was going with you, but going on double dates with other men is completely different. And there’s no reason for her to have a dating profile – if her friend wants her input she can just send her a screenshot.
It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation. I’m not suggesting that she’s unfaithful, but she could be feeling the struggle in your marriage and trying to cope by living vicariously through her friend. Every marriage has its struggles, but you both need to choose to put in the effort and focus on your marriage. And she should definitely set boundaries with her friend. Good Luck OP.
Single people can hang with other single people. Not married people to go meet men. I know. I was a wing woman a long time ago and it sucked! Plus when single people hook up they drop you. Immediately. I mean leave you where ever you are, out of town, out of country and disappear with their hook up! Crazy shit. I would shut it down. She has no clue what she is getting into. Plus her actively hitting on men and using her girl as an excuse. Classic affair actions coming your way. Add a dead bedroom in the mix. You are heading for a divorce OP.
Update me!
I think she is using this bizarre “I need to Help my friend” is a gaslight plan to “Help herself”
I would look into it deeper…Does her friend even know about this?
You wife is living her single life through this woman. Its too late to put your foot down , if she respected you AT ALL this would not be happening. You KNOW this.
imo If you shut it down she will still cheat but just sulk because you made it harder.
Its probably too late already ( deep down you probably KNOW she’s already cheated) but you have to fight fire with fire if you want to keep her , not cling on pathetically if you want respect. You are not her father to be forbidding things, you shouldn;t have to.
She clearly has ZERO respect for you. Putting your foot down now is too little to late.
You need her to change her behavior WILLINGLy out of respect.
At this point you can only regain respect by letting her believe you plan to leave her and or cheat on her.
1 Act like you don’t care.
2 start going out and living the single life yourself. Be secretive ,imply a “work wife”
Your wife is jealous of her friend and wanting her life. She is taking you for granted & viewing you as spoiling her fun. She needs a wake up call that YOU have options too and realise EXACTLY what life without you could look like.
3 Get your financial ducks in a row , tighten your grip financially if you are the breadwinner and pay your debt down, cut up credit cards, Get debts out of your name . This has two benefits, she will worry that its a pre-divorce tactic if you do acyually divorce it will help you.
In truth she is probably cheating and your only choice is to stay or go but putting your foot down is a joke at this point its gone too far. She needs a wake up call.
If you can’t fake it or this doesn’t work & you honestly don’t have the spine to leave them I sugest you actally cheat on her.
She needs a wake up call. Any advice here about “putting your foot down’ is wrong.
Leaving her is good advice but if you had a backbone i’m guessing you would have done that years ago because this is NO WAY the first time she’s cheated. To get this bold and talk singles holidays takes years of dissrespect that has been tollerated BY YOU!
You should have shgut it down the first time , that ship has sailoed.
Are you blind. She is cheating. Picking up men with her friend
She’s presenting herself as single, I would not be okay with this. That’s toxic
Your wife is acting like she is single too. Would she be happy if the roles were reversed? Honestly I would start getting my ducks in a row and be prepared for the worst outcome. You don’t want to be moving to a dingy bedsit because your wife slept with another dude.
When my wife started doing similar with her single friend
I told her “if you start going out and acting single, you will be”
It ended in divorce because it became clear she just enjoyed the attention she was getting
On top of that my stance is a spouse should never have to play tug of war with their partner and their friend, where the friends “needs” override the problems it’s causing in the marriage , especially when your spouse is pulling against you
This was a 180 in behaviour from her she just refused to accept or alter, so I didn’t really divorce my wife, I divorced the person she changed to, as I simply wasn’t going to tolerate this type of behaviour
Hopefully she sees sense but you need to sit back now, let her make whatever choices she does, then decide if you’re putting up with it or not
If it were me, I’d be demanding that she start working on getting her husband laid before she even thinks about getting her friend laid. She’s trying to solve someone else’s problems while ignoring her problems with you. And her comments about not being “fair” to the guys, how about she thinks about how she’s not being fair to you? You could always call her out and say “since both she (her friend) and I aren’t getting any, you could always set us up together.” Your wife needs a verbal kick in the pants. She’s trying to live vicariously through her friend while ignoring you.
Her plans are designed to fail (sssuming she wants to remain married) the obvious outcomes are either: A She’s looking to cheat under cover of “helping a friend” and will try tohide it. Or B She’ll “accidentally” cheat when things inevitably get out of hand, but it won’t be her fault, because, you know, reasons.
Or, maybe, just maybe she’s just so naive that she can’t see how anything could possibly happen that could harm your marriage. Time to pay close attention to her behaviour, spending and habits, see if anything jumps out at you.
This friend is going to be the reason for your divorce. Your wife is very interested in getting her divorced friend some D but she’s not interested in sex with you. I would be getting my house in order and planning for the divorce. When she goes out with her friend you should show up unannounced and see for yourself. Or have someone else follow her. She’s checked out.