I have finally met the man of my dreams and all of a sudden he wants to wait to be intimate again til we’re married. I don’t know if I can handle that. I feel so rejected and just want to cry all the time. For a little context I spent the previous 15 years alone by choice so I could focus on raising my son. When I finally allowed myself to date I had one not so great relationship and now I’ve been with my fiancé for over a year. We live together and have been intimate together throughout our relationship til now. He has by far been the most wonderful, caring, smartest, and sexiest man I’ve ever been with. We just mesh so perfectly together and I’ve never felt so comfortable in my own skin before I met him. He calms me in ways I can’t explain just by being near him. Well normally he does. Now I just feel sad all the time but I mainly feel scared. He has recently been on a sort of spiritual journey and I’ve been trying my best to be supportive by going to different churches. This is also difficult because a majority of the churches around us have discriminatory views and I can’t abide that for personal reasons. He’s been reading the Bible which I thought was totally great if it makes him happy. He proposed a few days ago and it was one of the best days of my life. He’s been searching for what to believe in and making changes it seems according to what he’s beginning to believe. It’s just such a drastic change and it affects me directly. I went so so long without any intimacy whatsoever that I honestly crave it now. I want him but he seems to think he can wait however long it takes to get married. I don’t understand this at all. I’m not an unattractive woman I don’t think. I work out everyday, watch what I eat, and take care of myself. I got followed home while walking the other day by some creepy guy in my city so at least someone finds me attractive lol. I can’t sleep. It’s literally almost 5am and ive only slept 2 hrs. I work with at risk kids so I should be sleeping and making sure I’m at my best but I can’t. I feel extra nauseous and am barely eating. Why should being intimate be so important to me? I should be fine waiting a few months without sex. Everytime I think about it tho I feel sick and remember how it felt to be so alone for so long. I can’t even imagine life without him so really do I even have a choice? Does that mean I have low self esteem or am I being a loyal and understanding partner? I think I could benefit from some outside perspective. Thanks for your input
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Whether you’re ok with that or not is totally up to you.
There is no wrong answer, but I know what my decision would be.
You might want to discuss certain religious topics because you may now no longer be compatible which I know is upsetting. Do not rush into marriage. He might be religious and push his beliefs onto you.
He’s falling into a religion rabbit hole. It’s going to just keep getting worse
It’s not to do with how you look and whether he is attractive to you, but there is some kind of identity crisis going on with him and the religion thing and the no sex before marriage even though that ship has long sailed. It’s not logical, rational or intelligent thinking and I would be super worried about him trying to indoctrinate himself in something that goes against your values. I wouldn’t be marrying him, sound like he has gone weird
I don’t think you’re gonna have to wait forever to be intimate with him but here’s what I want you to at least try to understand. You can do whatever you want to do and so can your fiancé. But once two people decide to be committed, compromise needs to be brought in. Because people have different beliefs and backgrounds. Some might prefer this over that or that over this and vice versa. What you could do though is to talk your needs with him, explain to him why you want this or why you want that, and you do the same for him. And try to be as understanding as you can. He might say something you don’t like, but you stay calm and strong. This isn’t easy but it’s doable with you two open your hearts to each other. I hope this helps.
You’ve got a way bigger issue here: a religious zealot in the making. He’s already pushing his BS on you. You need to think hard and fast if this is the future you want.
Personally i’d walk away from this.
You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do, but that doesn’t mean that he is automatically wrong. You need to talk to him, tell him how you feel and ask his reasons. How about non-sexual intimacy?
Maybe therapy, too because your reaction does seem extreme.
Also, you really need to have a talk about values before you get married. If he keeps visiting churches with disriminatory views, what does that mean about his views? Is religion going to influence his opinions about greener roles? Is he okay with you not following his religion/religious practices?
I understand the celibacy is your immediate concern, but in the long run, differing values might turn out to be a much bigger issue.
How ‘recent’ is his conversion?
If its very sudden I would get suspect he has an STI especially if his proposal/wedding plan is also stepped up.
Guilt about cheating & an STI often bring about sudden need for celebacy and a desire for commitment.
Are you willing to find religion with him? Because I think he’s expecting that. He unilaterally took sex off the table for his journey. So whether you realized it or not… You’re BOTH on this journey of his.
Are you okey following him at whatever church he decides to settle on?
Religion influences everything in a relationship.. don’t underestimate it.
Religious fanaticism is always bad, but sudden religious fanaticism when you are in your mid-30’s sounds quite ominous to me. Could this be a whole right-wing religious extremist rabbit hole he has dropped into? No sex before marriage has always been an awful idea, but no sex before marriage when you have already been intimate for a long time is lunatic.
Miss, you’re being kinda childish. For one you aren’t going without any intimacy. Also being attractive isn’t just your physical body. It’s having self control and not constantly needing sex. That gets boring. You need to respect his wishes and not start over reacting.
It’s the same way if you didn’t want to have sex. It’s your body. It’s very unattractive to not have self control. Just go to the court house and make it official then.
I’m going to give you the same advice I’d give a man coming here asking the same thing..
First off, it is his body. He is free to say “no”. But you also don’t have to be okay with this sudden change because whether or not he’s on some spiritual journey, his decision is affecting you. You do not have to accept it if you aren’t OK with it. And you can move on if you feel that’s best for you.
It’s up to you if you want to support his spiritual journey 100% or not. I wouldn’t blame you for walking away, but in the same breath, you really need to consider how much you care for this man. Because if he is amazing.. sometimes compromises are worth it.
Just consider all things. I wouldn’t blame you either way.
Stop supporting his religious b**sht. It’s destroying your relationship.
There are other non sexual ways to be intimate and that intimacy should be the one that matters over sex, imo. The only thing you can do is communicate with him. Explain how you feel. Let him explain why he feels the way he does. Find a common middle ground. If you can’t communicate with him, there’s bigger issues at play here and I’d suggest some therapy as well to help you out and understand why you feel the way you do n
If you’re being honest with yourself, part of you wishes he had never become religious because deep down, you miss the intimacy you once shared. And because of that, there’s a disconnect between what you say (“I support him”) and how you actually feel. That misalignment is likely eating away at you. You want to be supportive, but a part of you is grieving the change. It’s okay to admit that. But don’t lie to yourself because living in that denial will eventually backfire.
It may be time to have an honest conversation with him. Say something like:
“Hey, I truly admire the person you’re becoming, but I’d be lying if I said this shift hasn’t been hard for me. I can’t stop thinking about the intimacy we used to share. I need clarity — either we move forward intentionally, like getting married soon, or I may need to create space for myself to process all this.”
I once knew a guy who was in a passionate, fun relationship. They were inseparable, laughing, kissing, hooking up in all kinds of places. But when he thought about proposing, he asked her, “What foundation are we going to build our family on? The Bible? The Quran? What shared belief system?” They chose the Bible, and then he said, “Okay, let’s pause intimacy for 90 days. Let’s find out if we’re truly connected or if we’re just high on physical chemistry.”
She went along with it, but over time it became clear the love wasn’t deep, just intense. They parted ways and both moved on.
That could be you right now. After 15 years without intimacy, rediscovering sex with someone who lights you up inside is exhilarating. It might even feel like love. But is it? Or are you just in the honeymoon stage with someone who awakened something dormant in you?
Stepping back, even briefly, might help you get grounded. Not to sabotage anything, but to make sure your feelings are rooted in something real and lasting, not just lust and longing.
Be brave. Think clearly. Then make your move.