A few days ago I posted about my wife (30f) and I (32m). We’ve been together 3 years, married for 2, and have a young daughter. Our relationship moved fast, pregnancy, miscarriage, marriage, full-time jobs and emotionally it’s been heavy. We’ve both made mistakes, and we’ve both carried pain we never really talked about.
In our last big conversation, she told me she was in love at first, and that she does love me deeply. But she also said she never truly felt she could be fully open with me emotionally. That over the years, she didn’t feel like she could say everything, like something was always missing in our connection even if she wanted it.
She’s been in therapy for 4 months now, trying to untangle what love means to her. She had a rough upbringing, no real example of love or family, and I know she’s been emotionally lost. We agreed to take some space, not to break up, but so she could figure things out without my presence clouding her judgment. I respected it. I moved out temporarily.
But since that conversation… things got heavier.
The new part:
She finally admitted she had contact with her ex (long-distance) on and off for a year or more. I had suspected it, asked about it multiple times. Every time she said it was nothing. “Just friendly.” “Just catching up.”
But it wasn’t just that.
I saw messages. Flirting. Multiple nudes sent.
Meanwhile, in our relationship, I’d told her more than once that I’d love it if she ever sent me something like that. She never did. But she did for him.
She says it’s over now, and part of her coming clean was “being honest with herself too.” But I don’t know what to believe anymore.
To cope, I booked a hotel. I didn’t tell her. I just knew I needed space. I’ve been calm through this, I haven’t yelled, haven’t thrown blame, but I feel something inside me cracking.
And still… she’s been physically affectionate the last couple days. Lying close to me in bed, holding me, seeking connection. It completely confuses me. It almost feels like love, or is it guilt? Habit? Attachment?
I brought up our planned vacation in 2 weeks. Told her I might just go alone. She froze. Told me she wanted to go as a family. That line hit me in the gut. It made me feel both hopeful and completely lost at the same time.
What’s happening now:
We’re supposed to talk again today. I told her I need clarity. I’m writing this before that conversation, because I don’t trust myself to get everything out in the moment. These are the things I need to ask and honestly, things I’ve been carrying for a while:
• Why the sudden affection lately? Is it love, confusion, or just not wanting to let go yet?
• What did she mean when she said she wants to go on vacation as a family? Is that real? Or just something that sounds nice?
• And the hardest question: Is my daughter mine? I’m almost sure she is. But during a past argument, she mentioned her ex once asked if it was his child and it planted a seed of doubt I can’t ignore. I hate that I even have to ask this.
• Was her contact with her ex consistent this whole time? I found explicit photos 4 months ago and once a year ago. She admitted the “talking” started way before. I assume it never stopped, but I want to know the full truth. How long did it go on, and how deep was it really?
I’ve been in therapy myself for a month. I’m facing my own stuff the way I shut down, avoid hard emotions, or lash out under pressure. I’m committed to growing. But right now, I don’t know if there’s anything left to fight for. I don’t even know if I want to stay and that’s new for me.
I love her. But I’m hurt.
And yeah, I’ll admit this too: after she told me all this, I reached out to a couple past hookups. I haven’t acted on it, but the fact that I even wanted to shows me how far I’ve drifted from myself in all this.
So here I am:
We’re about to talk. And I honestly don’t know what I want to hear.
Part of me wants her to fight for us. Part of me is done.
Can something this broken be rebuilt if the love is real, but the trust and connection never fully were?
Can two people come back from this level of damage or are we just dragging out the end?
And how do you know when it’s time to stop trying?
Comments
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Only you can really answer your questions. If it’s going to work it’s going to take a lot of effort on both of your parts. Can you let go of the resentment and anger that she has caused? Can you start over and rebuild trust? If you can’t do these things it’s never going to work unfortunately. I would recommend couples therapy if you do decide to try. Best of luck to you OP
She never was in love with you and she cheated. What do you think is worth saving?
You have to face the truth. Sending nudes is cheating. She is cheating. She is a cheater. A cheater.
Read out those words loud. Even if you want to reconcile with her, the only path forward is to break up your current relationship with her. Ask for a divorce. Go nuclear. You need to show you are serious and that she can’t just walk all over you.
Sorry to tel this but she’s trying to confuse you and make you stay until she figures out a way to go to that ex! Don’t fall for it. You can leave and find true love later. Never stay with a cheater who keeps changing their behaviour and confuse you without understanding your pain
She didnt respect you and the marriage.
That spark she’s talking about might be that red tinted glasses phase at the beginning. That phase actually is optional for romantic love. It ends after a few months anyway.
Generally, if you want to fix this, it might be a good idea to get a couple therapist involved. You need to work through three years of unresolved emotional baggage. That’s a lot.
She’s love bombing you because you caught her cheating. I’d drop her, but it’s difficult with a child involved.
Not wifey behaviour. Couples therapy or a divorce. She needs to be transparent about all messages between her and him.