My husband and I cannot agree on whether him working out five days a week is reasonable or not. Here is some context. We have two children, ages five and seven. they will for the first time both be in school this year. We both work from home in a demanding field that often requires more than 40 hours per week. I work reduced hours, which usually means that I work during the hours our children are in school, with nights and weekends thrown in when I get overloaded He travels for work regularly – about every other week. Other than both enjoying fitness, neither of us has time consuming hobbies. In addition to taking care of the children every afternoon, I normally take them for at least one full day over the weekend, so he can have time to work or catch up on chores or whatever.
Amidst all this, he wants to go to the gym five days a week. Our gym is about 15 minutes away and offers classes that are each an hour long, it’s not like an Anytime fitness where you can just go and use the machines and work out. There are specific class times to attend. These class times fall in the early morning, during work hours, or around the dinner hour. My husband, and his mid 40s has now decided that he is really into fitness. He wants to make it to the gym five days a week. I would also like to go to the gym, to have something to do that’s for me. The problem comes in that it is not possible for us to both fit in a gym visit each day. With driving and class, it’s about 90 minutes per visit. The early morning classes work occasionally, but when the children are in school, it is difficult for one parent to do all the things that need to be done before 7am (packing lunches, packing snacks, getting kids ready, getting self ready). Sometimes when work is not busy, one of us can go during work hours. When those don’t work, my husband asks to miss dinner preparation and family dinner so he can go have that time for himself.
It is fairly easy for us to fit in between us five visits a week. And it would be fairly easy for him to fit in five visits per week if I never took any time for myself by going to the gym. The rub comes in that I think it is equitable and fair for me to be able to go each week as many times as he does, and there is just no way we could dedicate enough time to each go every day (3 total hours per day) to the gym, while simultaneously caring for our children and maintaining our careers. We could compromise at each going several times a week, but that isn’t sufficient for him, and he regularly grumbles about it, and it leads to regular arguments when he is asking to skip family dinner together so he can get his gym time in (during which, of course I have to make dinner with two kids underfoot, feed them dinner, start their bath time, all without getting similar time off for myself) (unless we just never did family dinner together, which is a nonstarter for me). what’s a reasonable and equitable division, and what are reasonable expectations for each of us?
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YTA, going to the gym isn’t a huge ask especially when you are working reduced hours. Maybe invest in some home gym equipment as an alternative. Or allow him to work reduced hours while you increase yours and he can easily fit the gym time in then.
YTA, It sounds like you want to do it only bc he does now which isn’t really fair. Everyone should make time for the gym and a 1.5 hr trip including working out isn’t much time. Sound more envious that he gets a little time for himself rather than being upset about the timing of it.
NAH you need a mediator for this one.
Get some free weights at home. The days you go to gym he can still get exercise while being there for the kids.
You could do it. My wife and i both go 3-5 days a week and we have two kids who also play sports regularly but it takes a lot of planning, constant communication, flexibility and some money
NTA, looking after kids is shared responsibility, you should be able to have equal gym visitation rights. You should both look into ways you can work out at home to make things easier.
Yeah no buddy. When you have kids, your life gets absolutely wrecked. You don’t get to zip off after work for 2 hours each day while she deals with all of the household stuff every evening.
Especially so he can gas himself up and be in shape for the next girl he’s going to meet because life is now boring at home.
He’s giving off narcissist vibes, pay attention to his other behaviors.
Are there other gyms/classes or fitness options that husband can use at a less disruptive time of day? I didn’t read super closely, but it seems like there should be a workaround here.
NTA. You have two children, there’s only so many hours in a day, you can’t do everything you want. Its not like you’re saying he can’t go at all, just that there may not be time for him to go 5 days a week, which is pretty reasonable on your end.
NTA
> The rub comes in that I think it is equitable and fair for me to be able to go each week as many times as he does
Absolutely true. He’s being selfish and not considering your needs. He could also be lazy and trying to duck out of household chores and child raising.
NTA. Your husband’s obsessed with hitting the gym 5 days a week, but it’s unfair if you get zero time to yourself. You both work hard, have two kids, and you’re already handling most kid stuff. Gym’s 90 minutes a pop, and with school prep and family dinners, there’s no way you both get 5 visits. Split it 2-3 each, like you go Tuesday/Thursday, he goes Monday/Wednesday. He’s gotta chill and not ditch dinner or grumble when you need your gym time too. Make a schedule and stick to it.
So it sounds like you had no interest going to the gym until he did?
And you work less hours to boot
NAH, nobody is in the wrong here, he wants to work on himself (he is allowed to do that) and you also want to do that. You both need to work around that.
When you have kids other things have to take a backseat. We all go through it. Eventually the kids will be old enough where they wont need as much time and attention and both you and your husband will have more free time to do things like go to the gym more often, but until then, being a parent comes first.
The best solution is in the middle. Five days is a lot. Propose 2-3 days for each of you and see how you both feel about this. You’ll both need to give up a little something something
>I normally take them for at least one full day over the weekend, so he can have time to work or catch up on chores or whatever.
Can you negotiate me-time on the weekend for yourself to go to the gym? And your husband gets to parent his kids for a change?
Me and wife go almost every weekday for about 2 hours, and then I also go on saturdays and sundays without her (early morning)
we do this with a 4 year old and 7 year old (gym daycare)
It’s definitely manageable.
NTA. Anyone who thinks YTA either doesn’t have kids or is a crappy father. It’s not the 70s anymore. Going to work doesn’t absolve you of being present at home. Being a SAHM is not easy, especially if you do it every single day without a break which is usually the case.
I mean I’d find a gym that does run like that and allows your flexibility to go whenever
I’m confused … why can’t you go in the early morning & hubby goes in the afternoon? It shouldn’t take two people to get kids ready for school. Have the kids help get their stuff ready the night before. This seems a little bit like if I can’t do it, you can’t do it. (I may be wrong)
From my own experience (mom of 4) you can both do the things you want to do if work together & learn how to compromise. Every parent wants time off. Sometimes you just can’t do that when kids are little. Then kids get little older, little more independent & bam just like that you have a little more free time.
NTA. Perhaps a compromise is that you both go to the gym really early? Or some gyms have places where you take your kids and they are supervised in a separate children’s area?
YOUR reasonable and equitable division will look nothing like ours. My husband works out 5-6 times per week, his gym is also about 10-15 minutes away, and he’s workout is usually 1.5-2 hrs, so he’s gone 2-2.5 hrs every time. I’m actually happy with that. Do I wish he spent all that time that he “takes away” from me/ family, instead of doing his honey-dos or whatever I think he should be doing- no. Would I, if our kids still required constant care- perhaps. I’m happy that in his 40s he’s still working out even when he has no energy or desire on some days. I want him to be happy and I want him to WANT to spend time with me, not feel that he’s forced. I’m old enough now to understand that he needs his own space and time, to clear his head, and to work out his frustrations. He’s actually calmer & more clear headed now, with less joint pains & aches. I’ll take that, and the firming muscles, and more stamina & the playful sparkle in his eyes when he flexes.
[Edit] You two need to find something that works for both of you, but in a way that doesn’t make either of you feel that you’re making sacrifices instead of compromising.
He’s trying to force your continuous heavy lifting.
He travels for work biweekly and doesn’t cook meals – yet you both work from home?
There’s a lack of organization regarding lunches and meals – he could do a considerable amount of the work by meal prepping for lunches and dinners for that matter. This would help you while solo parenting when he travels every other week.
He should be getting his children ready for bed and school the days he’s not traveling – so you alternate accordingly.
It sounds like you’ve just realized how much you do makes it easy for him to do little to nothing. Stop doing it all and prioritize what you need above his wanting to go to the gym when he should be home with his children.
He needs to experience delayed gratification – you should go do whatever, leaving him to handle the kids and dinner. Do it randomly for a while so he’s able to see how capable he is at being a father/present parent instead of focusing on himself. This will also help you establish a routine that works for you, so you don’t lose your sense of self in all of this.
NAH
Get some child care arranged and take some classes together
He goes during dinner, you go after dinner and he puts them to bed. Or you go in the morning and he does breakfast.
KC Davis is an author who writes a lot on this subject and recommends couples not try to divide their work evenly but divide their leisure evenly.
So instead of doing the math on how many hours each of you is putting in at work or with the kids/chores, count up how many hours you each get to yourselves. It’s not fair for him to have 5+ hours a week for the gym and for you to have zero.
It’s also just not realistic for two adults to work this many hours and provide 100% of their child care outside of school hours while also having time for themselves for hobbies or exercise. Something has to give or you need to get help, with childcare and/or housework.
If hired help is out of the budget are there family or friends who can take the kids for a regular play date a few times a week?
You are WAY too tightly scheduled in your lives. I think I would jump out a window if “dinner preparation time” were scheduled for me every single night of my life. Both of you need to completely relax.
If your schedule is so tight that you cannot live your lives then you’re not running the schedule anymore, the schedule is running you.
You have 2 kids, not 20. You both work from home, you’re not running the Federal Reserve or Doctors without Borders. Chill out. Being organized is great but over-scheduling your life is not healthy.
What you have set up here is a nest of logical reasoning fallacies called false dilemma bifurcation. Otherwise known as, “these are the options?”
The truth is that of course your husband can go work out 5 days a week, and you should too if that makes you happy. You can absolutely make that happen.
You just have to loosen up the schedule and change things up. That means being flexible with both workouts and home duties, the gyms you choose and the workouts.
Like, compared to what you do now, I am talking REALLY LOOSENING UP.
Adopt an “all of the above” solution.
Focus on adding options, not taking them away. Try random workouts and see what you each like.
Here are some options to add. Try them out, each of them or all at once. It will be okay if your schedule changes, if you find things that work better than others, if you change them up again in a week or two or a month.
Maybe he does classes a few times a week. Maybe for you, too. Not necessarily 5 days a week and not necessarily both of you in the same class at the same time every day. Remember we are going for options here.
Maybe you join a different gym with flexible hours where you can go anytime. Maybe you drop the kids with a relative one night a week and you both go together. The kids will be okay. Maybe you prioritize getting a sitter for 2 hours once a week for another day, when you go together. Again, the kids will survive having a little personal time to themselves. Maybe sometimes it is a family walk to the park. Maybe twice a week he straps on some sneakers and goes for an impromptu jog in the neighborhood. Maybe you take a brisk walk during your lunch break. You get the idea. As for “dinner preparation time,” meal prep on the weekends and order DoorDash once in a while! Loosen up.
NTA but I get the need/desire to work out that amount of time. Could you get a machine (tread/stationary bike/etc) and some free weights for your home so no one is beholden to the gym for location or timing?
NTA
Tell him to workout using the kids; it’s two birds one stone. Dad can get a workout and kids can feel played with and interacted with
NTA but take time for yourself to workout at home or rearrange some chores to make going to the gym happen.
Request he does two modified workouts at home and maybe the two of you can workout at home together. Resistance bands are amazing, you don’t need a whole gym set-up.
A lot of men start doing this in their 40s. Keep up with him, get a babysitter to watch the kids so you can join at the gym with him sometimes. Become that hot couple that others are jealous of.
Tell him this needs to be equitable and fair, let’s work on compromising to work it out.
You’ve got this. Getting fit and remaining active is so important and yes, this hill I will die on. Lol
No judgment, but concerns – I will assume you both made a choice to have children, and therefore you should prioritize them. If he is still spending time with the you and the children, his amount of gym time would be fine. But it seems like he is already planning to skip dinner time without any care for your potential gym or personal time. I wonder if there is an underlying reason for this new behavior aside from health improvement.
Stop depending on the gym schedule and learn to work out alone whenever any of you can find time for it.
Why not just build a gym in your basement? It’s so much easier to escape to the basement and you can even do it in the morning before the kids wake up or at night once they are in bed.
Its unresonable of him to take off to the gym in middle of dinner prep and family dinner. Its not the time of day for his ”me time” and he should realize that.
Most people i know who work full time and have kids work out alot does it in the morning before kids get up or in the evening after kids are asleep.
It would be fair for instance if you could take turns on mornings, having three morning each while the other parent takes all parent duties.
Your husband sounds selfish. 😟
You can each go 3 days a week, one of yours being on the weekend, since he already gets one day off childcare on the weekend, you are entitled to your one hour thirty minutes.
He is the AH. I would question his motives and priorities if I were you.
Consider joining a gym that offers childcare, that way you can go to the gym together and the kids will be taken care of during your workout?
NAH
I say that because neither of you are trying to compromise or find an alternative. Find a gym that doesn’t require you to go at a specific time and has a daycare then you can both go.
It is realistic to expect a partnership but it is unrealistic to expect everything to always be equitable. It does however sound like your husband needs to pull more weight at home.
Get home equipment.
NTA your husband is delusional if he thinks 5 days a week is possible with kids. When you become parents, you give up a lot, and he’s going to have to face that reality. Does he really expect you to do all the sacrifices?
NTA. If you’re both set on going to these classes you should split the 5 sessions per week.
But if you have space (like a garage) you could get a bench, dumbbells, even a barbell and rack. Even if not, a few dbs and some bodyweight exercises can suffice. Most things you can do in a class you can do at home. Much easier for a quick 30 min workout, so the person who’s not going to the class can still get some exercise in.
Get a new gym, go between the hours of 5am and 6am, or don’t go. Those are his options.
NTA.
He does not need classes at a gym to work out. In the 30 minutes it takes to drive to the gym & back, he can get in a solid workout at home.
There’s nothing wrong with going a couple times a week, but you have a busy household & five days a week is simply selfish on his part.
I would negotiate where you get time for working out or a hobby 5 days a week too, even if you just go sit in your car and read. But honestly I think after a few weeks he will get burnt out. It sounds like you guys already do too much. I’m busy with work and found it better to do working out at home. Such as 30 minute workout in the morning. And 30 in the evening
Sounds like you have 3 kids. My husband wouldn’t even dare asking for something like this. He wouldn’t WANT to leave everything to me. Just plain selfish and bad partner!
I can tell you are overweight
NTA but I feel like he could pack lunches and snacks the night before or request he wake up earlier so you can get time in the mornings to go. You both deserve to be able to get time at the gym.
NTA and also LOL. He literally thinks it’s not fair to have a fair division of free time. Sorry buddy, pulling your weight at home comes before lifting weights at the gym.
Find a gym with a babysitting room. Everyone goes together. Or invest in a home gym.
NTA. Your husband has no concept of compromise.
You’ve explained everything you do for your family, and how you don’t get much time to yourself as it is.
Your husband’s being wildly selfish.
He won’t compromise for anything less than 5 days a week? It’s definitely something to bring to a marriage counselor.
Honestly, I don’t see how you could get this resolved without a third party.
Why don’t you go to a different gym with more flexibility, that might help.
Husband needs to compromise; I know, as I was in a similar situation with my wife and I and our 6 year old
The trick that worked for me was to schedule my session Thur-Fri-sat-sun-mon AND for mon, thur and Fri- I worked out at home, metcons (running skipping rope, weight vest, 2x 16kg kettlebells a pull-up bar/ TRX band) with that equipment you can do a hell of a lot
As a result my wife can also get 3-5 sessions on Monday to Friday
I go to the gym and workout at home for when I need to be home with my child
Does your gym offer childcare where you can both go to the same class together daily and they watch the kids? Or if you can’t go to the same class together but they still have childcare then alternate who is going to the gym and taking the kids to their childcare area while the other parent gets to stay home and catch up on work/chores and then they go to the gym at a different time? If your gym doesn’t have childcare then maybe look for a different gym that does or that is more flexible for you all to be able to work out at than your current gym seems to be.
He needs to learn to compromise. 2-3 days each going to the gym surely is enough?
He could work out at home on the other days.
My husband got really into working out when our kids were about that age. He was up at 4:30 to work out at 5. He was home a little after 6 and then he would shower. By the time the kids were getting up he was dressed and making breakfast for everyone. He was falling asleep by 9 every night but that was after he put the kids to bed.
Sacrifices have to be made if your husband wants to work out 5 days a week. He can go to the gym twice and then workout at home on the days you go to the gym. He’s going to have to compromise somewhere.
Why is only he allowed spare/fun time? NTA
This sounds like he might be into CrossFit or some and such, which in itself is not a bad thing. However if he just decided that he is now “into fitness”, then he’ll just get burned going 5 times a week, as many beginners do. This includes people who were into other things fitness related as well and I ran into the issue myself to an extent, when I went for 6x/week and then scaled back to 3-4x/week + auxiliary work.
When it comes to how unreasonable it is – the amount is not the issue here. It’s how much time is left for other things that are expected of him. You need to be straight about your expectations, as in, you expect him to do 50% percent of the work with your kids which needs the time it’s gonna need, you expect his job performance not to suffer, since you want stability and you expect him to make time for you as well, so that your relationship doesn’t suffer. If he can do all that with the time required to accomplish these things, he can go twelve times a week for all I care. He can use his own time however he sees fit. But when he comes short of his obligations to the family, then you need to be clear about his plan not working for you.
An open question here is, if he does not agree with your expectations, what would the consequences be.
You can both compromise on your careers lol. That’s what I’m going to do.
Is there a gym closer that has options for free weights and machines?
This is one of those guys who is gonna have a major shock to the system if you get divorced and 50/50 custody. And OP will suddenly have tons of free time.
NTA but his priorities are him, him and him.
NTA It sounds like you already handle most of the childcare and he wants to drop even more of it, and some of the household responsibilities, on you so he can have more “me” time. The simple answer is no. If he can make a plan that allows him to go to the gym w/o creating more work for you, and taking away from his responsibilities to you, your kids, and the house, as well as allowing you time to go to the gym with the same requirement, then go for it. He could consider switching gyms so his ability to go is more flexible. Find a gym that offers childcare and go together.
NTA.
You should have equal downtime without the kids. Is he taking the kids one day a week to give you a break? If not, time to start.
“Kids are your responsibility for the day, I’m going out” and seriously just go out. Don’t stay home, go to a park and read if nothing else.
As for the gym, each gets to go 2x a week and you alternate weeks for who gets to go 3x.
Do not let him get away with dumping your shared responsibilities on you. His time is not more valuable than yours.
Find a new gym closer to home or invest in a home gym. You both should be able to workout every day, but need a solution that works. I have 3 kids and work out daily and have since my youngest was born. I have fit it in so that it doesn’t take away from my family. If this gym is the only option then you need to alternate mornings and evening or find a way to go on your lunch break.
The “when you have kids everything changes” gang kinda needs to cool it. Adults have needs, too. He’s not asking to go drink with the boys or sit in a room uninterrupted to play video games.
So, very light YTA. Ya know, you guys need to find a solution. 90 minutes a day for an adult to do something that they care about, and will prolong their health, is not an unreasonable ask. Maybe it’s along the lines of getting a sitter for 2 hours a couple days a week for after school. That way you both can take care of your health.
Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t have to come on AITAH. 😉
They could go together and use the gym daycare
INFO: What’s stopping you from putting equipment in your home?
Endorphin Addict. He will only get worse
NTA. Sounds like your husband wants to be single. He gets a full day on weekends to himself now he wants 2 hours a day 5 days a week. Tell him no, he can have 3 days a week you get 3 days a week and if that doesn’t work for him, he gets every other weekend and 1 day a week custody plus paying child support. He needs a wake up call, that he is a parent too.
My wife and I were in a similar situation where I wanted to go 5x a week and the compromise was I get up at 4:30am everything needed for the day, either with my son or around the house. This takes the burden off my wife and can just grab and go in the mornings. It sucks getting up at 4:30am but now I prefer it bc I get the evenings with uninterrupted family time instead of doing daily chores. I also gave my wife an open offer to take a kid free day for herself when she needs.
Time is currency and I want to spend it on myself I have to repay the debt to my family and my wife. They’re owed my time as a husband and father. If I take an hour, I pay back an hour.
First plenty of single parents get their kids off everyday so two should be able to figure this out.
I’m a bit confused about who is working what. First OP says both work over 40 hrs a week then OP says they work reduced hours. I’d be curious what the typical hours are for each of them.
Lastly is he really going to the gym, seems like there may be more involved with this new fitness desire.
NTA. Your husband and you should compromise on splitting the gym time or perhaps do other exercise together that the whole family can enjoy, like walking or biking.
It sounds like your gym isn’t fitting your life needs. It’s possible for both of you to go but it’s not going to be easy and it might require finding a gym with hrs or classes that fit your needs.
Let him workout. Just have him go early morning and avoid classes. No one needs classes to work out. Also ask for some me time on the weekends as well. Compromise
Yes this is uneven. Why do you get more of the Childcare burden- because you’re a woman? Typical man.
Three days each with day off in between is fair.
When I went through this my workout time was pretty much after 9pm once kids were in bed. After all its a marriage and you are both parents, so therefore you have to find a solution that fits for both of you.
My suggestion is hire a babysitter. Its not unreasonable to go to the gym for 1.5 hours a day. Especially if he is working alot of hours. Its also not unreasonable for OP. Self care is important and they both should have it. Set up a schedule and hire a babysitter for, say, 3 hours a day. Not hugely costly and the parents get to have some time in their busy lives.
Why did you have those kids then if they are such a burden to you?
ESH
NTA – There’s no reason that he should get more time to himself than you do. If he really wants five workouts a week but 90 minutes per workout including travel at specific times isn’t feasible, he could squeeze in a few home workouts a week. He won’t get an instructor and specialized equipment, but he also won’t be ditching his wife and kids to deal with his midlife crisis…
INFO: Do you have space at home for a home gym in which you can do workouts of similar quality? Is there something special about these classes that cannot be replicated anywhere else? Have you considered staggered days (one of you working out 4 times at the gym, the other 3, alternating who gets more)?
NTA for not accepting an unfair status quo. It sounds like something that’s fixable with less rigid thinking. Either stagger visits every other day for both of you, or invest in some workout equipment.
A home gym is cheaper, long term, than most gym memberships, and, unless there is something that specifically requires others to be present that neither of you can live without, you can do all the same physical activities. You can also model healthy behavior for the kids, and introduce them to fitness practices in a comfortable environment.
Get a sitter for 2 hours everyday. A high school kid or a reliable baby sitter.
Both of you will get exercise in which is healthy and you will both get some time away from the home and kids. Since you BOTH work.
Meal prep over the weekend. So weekday e meals are quick and easy.
Schedule kid free time for both of you.
What type of classes? Try an in home gym.