My dad remarried a year ago to “Diane.” I’m 25F, and while I’m polite and civil to her, she and I have no real relationship. I live on my own and visit maybe once a month.
But whenever I’m there, she refers to me as “our daughter” in conversation. As in: “We’re so proud of our daughter,” “Our daughter is so independent,” “It’s nice having our daughter home.”
At first I just ignored it, but it’s really started to bother me. My mom (who raised me) is very much alive and in my life.
At dinner last week she did it again, and I finally said: “Diane, please don’t call me your daughter. I’m not your daughter.” It came out sharper than I meant. She looked really hurt, and my dad told me later I didn’t need to “humiliate her.”
AITAH for saying it?
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Frosty-Brother8734:
My dad remarried a year ago to “Diane.” I’m 25F, and while I’m polite and civil to her, she and I have no real relationship. I live on my own and visit maybe once a month.
But whenever I’m there, she refers to me as “our daughter” in conversation. As in: “We’re so proud of our daughter,” “Our daughter is so independent,” “It’s nice having our daughter home.”
At first I just ignored it, but it’s really started to bother me. My mom (who raised me) is very much alive and in my life.
At dinner last week she did it again, and I finally said: “Diane, please don’t call me your daughter. I’m not your daughter.” It came out sharper than I meant. She looked really hurt, and my dad told me later I didn’t need to “humiliate her.”
AITAH for saying it?
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Nta, she has no right till you say it’s ok
NTA but you could have been nicer. It doesn’t sound like she was being malicious.
NTA. If you want to, you could apologize for coming off sharper than you meant, but you have to advocate for yourself. If you don’t want to be referred to in that way, it’s good that you said it.
Nta, but how you handled it could have been more tactful
YTA for how you said it. NTA for saying it. Your Dad is right though, you humiliated her, hurt her, and you should have a talk with her an apologize for how you said it, but keep firm that you don’t want to be called her daughter. Talk face to face, not through text. She deserves that much.
NTA You are not a child anymore, she had no part in your upbringing, your mum is alive, so it is just weird to call you her daugther. Sounds like a desperate way to be part of a family. Sad, but still overstepping.
KoTAH… she’s been around for a year. She’s trying to take full role in being a step parent. Regardless if youre 5, or 25, she is your step mother, and youre her step daughter! If you have no real relationship, try to think why that is, do you want one, and can it benefit the relationship and family dynamic. Your mother is alive, that’s amazing, but its not bad to have two sets of parents, two sets of moms, or two sets of dads. Think to yourself, is a relationship something I want with her? If not, stay civil, and give her a chance to respect your boundaries, if you do, make an effort to build a relationship. If she reciprocates, maybe express down the line how you feel and if you may give her the permission to use “our daughter”. If you’ve already made an effort and things have gone no where, refer to my first suggestion to stay civil and staying firm on your boundaries.
NTA. She was humiliated when you stated a fact? You are not her daughter, you’re not even really a stepdaughter if she played no role in raising you. That’s just reality and if that humiliated her then she’s bonkers.
You’re NTA… but it wouldn’t hurt to apologize for being so blunt. “Diane, I appreciate that you’re so welcoming and accepting, but I have a mom. My intention wasn’t to hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry for that. But you can’t erase my mom.”
Diane is delusional
Your father should have corrected her. I wonder why he didn’t and put it on you.
NTA, maybe it would be better to ask her why she says that and see what she has to say. By asking her to explain herself you will learn what her issue is. My guess is that she wants credit where she deserves none. It seems to be about her appearance to others. Maybe you should touch on that too? Ask her if she knows your mother is still alive, just to be sure she does. If you point out that she is not your parent and that her claims she is, is just lying to people by insinuating you are her daughter when you are not. It is like lying by omission, omitting that you are not her daughter.
Honestly, not enough info. But I’m sure it’s very hard for her to figure out how to support you and get to know you, and it doesn’t sound like you’re helping. Calling you “our” daughter doesn’t seem like a huge deal to me; if she was saying “my daughter,” I think that’d be different. But this may be her way of trying to say she is excited and supportive that her partner has a child and even though you don’t know each other well, she views you as a part of her commitment to your dad— and that they are both proud of you.
My partner has children. It’s very awkward sometimes because I know they are not “mine” but they are “ours”— I have made a commitment to myself to support and care for them. It’s different because they are truly kids, but keep in mind, you will always be his kid to your dad.
YTA, you could’ve handled that situation with more tact, but also please tell me if you’re upset with this person for anything more than caring a lot about you. Maybe you should give them a chance rather than humiliate them for thinking of you more than you think of them.
NTA but if it really did come out harsher than intended why not invite her out for coffee or something and apologize for the tone. Make sure to tell her you are happy your dad found someone but you have two parents. She didn’t help raise you so you won’t have a parental/child relationship. However you are open to getting to know her as a person and becoming friends with her as adults who love the same person (your dad) and see what she says. If she refuses then you know she just wants to force herself upon you in a parental role or if she accepts then you make peace with her and hopefully develop a friendship.
I too, was an adult when my Mom remarried. Lucky for him, he never called us his stepchildren. I’d have responded as you did. It might have been more appropriate to tell her privately, but she was really overstepping to talk about you that way, without your permission. NTA.
NTA this would really grate my cheese to have this said about me by a woman who was not my mum and who I had only known for a few years.
You two aren’t close and while Diane may wish for some closeness, forcing it by trying to claim a faux mother-daughter relationship isn’t the way to go.
Yes, she probably was embarrassed but you were bothered by her and you had to tell her eventually and it’s good you stood up for yourself seeing as your dad clearly has Diane’s interests at heart, not yours.
See, the thing about actual parents is we’ve had hard conversations, been snapped at, snapped ourselves, had to apologize, deserved apologies, been really humiliated (by, say, teens opining on our fashion sense) and on and on. It’s a long, difficult job. That’s why you don’t just get to assume the title upon marriage, and why one pushback remark (even if a little sharp) is not “humiliating.” She’s not your fucking parent, and you are NTA.
NTA but next time don’t let it build to that point if your unhappy with something address it when calm
Best to shut it down so mistake won’t happen again.
Personally, I would have corrected her from the start. Im 31M and still a mamas boy ain’t no one going to claim me as theirs except my mother, especially someone who has only been married to my father for like a year. They neither raised me nor gave me life. You can be proud of me or whatever, but don’t be claiming me like you have been in my life since I was a toddler. NTA you felt in that moment you needed to set her straight and knock her of her high horse which you had every right to do so since your father didnt correct her from the beginning.
NTA – she overstepped big time. Given that you don’t seem to have a real relationship, Diane’s behavior is ignorant at best, insulting at worst.
You phrased it politely enough and without any ambivalence. I think your dad is embarrassed because he might have referred to you in private conversations with Diane as “our daughter” and now it backfired. I would ask him, if you care to know, for sure.
NTA. Is beyond me how can some people be this dumb. You are 25yo and she has been married to your dad for a year, to refer to you as her daughter is pushing.
If you feel like you need to apologize then you do it because you feel like it but not because someone is telling you you need to apologize
She is not your mother.
NTA
Eh being a step parent is hard and weird. If she kept saying “Bob’s daughter is here” and “Bob’s daughter is super smart” people would attack her saying “you should not make it sound like she is just his daughter.” I think she is just trying to make sure she includes you in her life as well. I don’t think she means any harm, but you are also not the AH if you don’t like it. My stepmom hated me and always referred to me as my dad‘s daughter but now that being a bonus, mom is cool, she constantly calls me her bonus daughter. I needed that when I was five, not now that I’m in my mid 30s.
NTA.. She needed to know. But as you said it yourself, it came out sharper than you meant it. This would be a great opportunity to sit down with her and have a polite conversation to express why her referring to you as “our daughter” bothers you. Apologize if it came across too harsh. Tell her how you’d like to be addressed as. The whole point is this opens up communication and maybe places you both on common ground to move forward in a healthy manner.
NAH
I understand your feelings about it but if she referred to you as “husband’s daughter” then it makes it sound like she doesn’t accept you as part of her family. It’s a catch-22.
YTA
You could’ve had a conversation with her before snapping. Immature response.
ESH – Sometimes people snap when they are pushed, so I kind of understand where you were coming from. You should have talked to her about your concerns privately, though. Your dad should have put a stop to this a while ago. And, maybe you need to understand the underlying reasons of why Diane keeps saying “our” daughter. Good luck.
NTA. But it sounds like you did what I used to do, letting it build up until you snap and blurt it out at the wrong time in the wrong tone. Being more proactive about expressing yourself can help you be more deliberate with your timing and wording. And not that you particularly owe that to people or something, but it often leads to people being more receptive, causing less mess for you to deal with.
These days, we are expected to support delusions of all sorts, but imo, you are NTA.
What harm was she causing? Seems like she was just trying to fit in the family. I don’t see the big deal.
NTA – she is dealing with the unenviable position of being the second wife. since she didn’t raise you, she shouldn’t really call you daughter. You are a form of daughter so she isn’t wrong. Your dad might have encouraged her to use those terms.
NTA.
Diane sounds pretty entitled.
She made some assumptions she shouldn’t have made. She should have asked you for your permission. She’s claiming a relationship that is not in existence; a relationship that takes the participation of both parties to establish. She wants the positives of having such a relationship without the actual relationship. NTA This would have irked me no end.
My husband of 12 years (15 together in total) has never once called my kids (who he helped to raise from toddlerhood) his kids. They have a dad. He just wants to be their Chris. Stepparents are very important, but more so when the kids are small. She didn’t earn that relationship
YTA. Instead of privately talking to her like an adult you let this fester and snapped at a human who is just trying to be loving and accepting. You owe this person a sincere apology.
You set a boundary, if they don’t like it they need to sort that out in therapy.
NTA because you feel no connection to her but I would maybe give her some grace. Alot of kids in the world have crappy step parents and don’t get a loving step parent.
You could possibly tell her you’d prefer to get to know her prior to something like that type of label because it makes you uncomfortable.
Both grown adults. She will get over it when she figures it out. All she needs to do is be correct when referring to you.
If she cant handle that, POH
NTA, sometimes being blunt isn’t a bad thing. If you went with a gentler approach and said “Hey I don’t really appreciate you calling me your daughter because I don’t feel like we have that kind relationship” she probably would have still been upset AND continued to call you “our” daughter and if you said anything she would just say you are being so insensitive to me. If she starts making her emotions appear big then you will never get to make your emotions big. If you feel bad though apologizing wouldn’t hurt but good on you for clearly stating that it wasn’t ok with you.
NTA
Seems like she is trying to show you she cares for you like a daughter. Often, in a step-parent relationship, specifying that you are only your dad’s daughter would be used as an insult. Something like, “It’s not my fault YOUR DAUGHTER turned out like that!” Instead, she says “our”, establishing her responsibilities she believes she has after marrying into a family with children present. To me it seems so sweet, and thought out by her. Because of that, you may have hurt her feelings, creating the separation she’s been trying to stay away from.
I’d talk with her about it. Like it or not, she is your step mom.
NTA. She just wants her Internet brownie points. Second wives, man 😂
NTA
She had no right to refer to you in a way you don’t want. It’s disrespectful.
NTA. She was being incredibly naive if she thought she could just come into your life this late and suddenly become your mother. She needed a wake up call at some point, why not then? The earlier the better imo.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with advocating for your feelings.
I do think you need to consider this from the other side, though.
I come from a family where there are step siblings because our parents married eachother when we were all adults.
And, when you marry someone you accept their whole family as your own, warts and all. So, when someone has children you either accept their children as yours, in a way, or you don’t really accept them fully. There are other views on this out there that differ. But she may well share my family sentiment on the matter.
I would take in any of my nieces or nephews if they needed housing whether they were blood relatives or not, I’m still Auntie to the whole lot.
Nobody can take the place of your biological mom in your life, but you could develop a good relationship with this woman too, who clearly isn’t an arse since she obviously just wants to sing your praises.
Instead, you could speak to her about WHY it bothers you, and perhaps talk about word changes to ease those feelings.
My stepdad, for example, cuts out “our” “her” whatever before saying daughter and just says daughter. And it works perfectly, whilst grammatically incorrect.
NTA
If you want, you could apologize for the fact that it came out in a more unkind tone than you intended, but she isn’t a parental figure to you in any way. She needs to get a grip and back off.
NTA per se It’s completely okay to advocate for yourself, it’s something that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. If too much time has passed, it’s no longer just a quick correction, it needs to be a meaningful conversation, which seems to be the case here. It’s clear that there are unresolved emotions tied to your parents’ divorce, and when she calls you her daughter, it reopens that wound. The best way forward is to sit down with her calmly, apologize for how your tone may have come across, and express how important it is for your wishes to be respected. You both deserve honesty, understanding, and clarity in your relationships.
Does this woman have a daughter of her own? The way you tell it sounds like you’re the daughter she wanted but never had. You could have rebuffed her by saying “daughter? pfft, more like granddaughter!”.
NTA but…..
You are an adult so when you apologize for coming off sharper than you intended, you might assure her that you are grateful for her being in your dad’s life and your mother wishes them all the best.
Someday, if your life path takes you into motherhood, you should consider what the relationship between SMIL and your child/ren could look like. Be prepared to establish boundaries early, firmly and often.
I had two sets of in-laws and it was….challenging.
I think it’s nice she wants to claim you in that way. And perhaps you should apologize for coming off harsher than intended. But if it makes you feel some type of way about it you should say something. Boundaries are important.
NTA But did you say something to your dad about it before hand? He may have stopped it before it got that far. In any case, she has no right to claim you as a daughter.
Yes that was mean. And the manner in which she said it to her was mean I do understand your feelings, but you should’ve done it in a kind of way (like you should’ve told your dad and had him address it). Maybe from now on she can be a witch to you instead.
You suck for not having a mature conversation. Letting something that bothers you fester then snapping sounds like you do need to be mothered. New dynamics are strange and uncomfortable but it’s not an excuse to be rude. Talk to her like mutual adults.
My dad remarried after I was a grown adult with my own child yet I still consider his wife to have a parental/grandparent role. She treats us with kindness and respect, not the same as her own children but within reasonable boundaries.
Nobody is an asshole here, but relationships are complicated. She probably thought you would feel more welcome by her calling you that. I would clarify that while you respect her, it feels unfair to your mother to use that term at this time.
NTAH. You could have gone all Cersie Lannister on her but didn’t.
No.
NTA. But I would’ve gone with ‘it’s nice that you think of me that way but I honestly feel like you’ve come into my life too late for me to think of myself as your daughter. I’d prefer if you just say you or use my name.’
Because a total rejection might end with her telling you ‘you’re not my daughter’ when you need her.
NTA, but at the same time , dads wife would definitely be viewed as TA if she always called you his kid and his kid only.
She is probably, barring information we don’t have , just trying to be a decent person.
Worth a coffee and a talk.
ESH
She was being very presumptuous and overstepping.
You could have spoken to her privately the first time she referred to you that way but instead you let it fester. So she thought it was ok and kept saying it until you snapped.
I totally understand your frustration and you had every right to say something to her. I think you could have been kinder about it.
A lot of people have a hard time giving difficult feedback and can only do it when they get angry. My advice is to not allow it to get that far. It’s ok to set a boundary.
Just say what you have to say simply and directly, with compassion. “I appreciate that you are embracing the family , but I have a mother and father already. I don’t think of myself as your daughter, but I do appreciate all the good things to bring to my Dad’s life.”
Be sure she knows your pronouns, political persuasion, and dietary restrictions.
While I understand how you feel, I think you were the asshole on the way you handled it. You should have pulled her aside and explain to her how you felt and ask her not to do it. The way you handle it was uncivil and impolite.
Of course, my answer may be different if there was any mention that your stepmom was malicious or a straight up Bitch toward you.
Definitely NTA but you did over react. You are 25, and so at an age where you can understand that breakups do happen, though it isn’t easy to handle.
It does seem that Diane wants to be on good terms with you which does not always happen.
Perhaps you should tell her privately that you find it awkward esp given that your real mother is very much around but there is no reason the two of you can’t have a cordial and friendly relationship.
Soft YTA because of the delivery. I’m a stepmom to two kids that still have their mom. The dynamic is different because I’ve been in their lives for over 15 years, but it seems the sentiment is the same. If she doesn’t have her own children, maybe she sees you as a second chance to experience something she’s always wanted. If she does have her own kids from before, maybe she imagined how they would want to be treated if they were in your position.
I totally get not wanting her to step into a parental role, please speak to her privately. Try a one on one, go for coffee or something, and tell her how you feel. But also listen to how she feels. Even if you don’t come out of it as besties, the air will be clear and you can move forward without the animosity.
NTA – step parents really need to learn their place. Those decisions are up to the child not the step parent. Forcing it only makes the relationship worse, especially in this case where I assume based on your post she played a minimal to no role on raising you.
NDA!
you have every right to tell her that but I‘m sorry you had to. It should be your dad who set these boundaries. I think it‘s also a matter of respect towards your actual mom.
I mean, you admit that you said it more sharply than you meant to. Just apologize, tell her your sensitive about it and move on. She probably wants a strong bond with you because she plans to be in your life, well forever, as the spouse of your dad. You were a bit of an ah but I doubt it something your relationship won’t survive with even a half hearted apology. Unless she is actively trying to replace your mom, in which case, who cares if her feelings are hurt
JFC Reddit has lost its mind.
Yes YTA for saying it. You literally said “it came out sharper than I expected”
NTA for thinking it but you could have handled it much better.
i’m assuming you don’t call her mom and you call her by her name. so that would’ve been a clue for her that you don’t consider her your mother or even a mother figure but that being said you snapping like that was pretty childish you should’ve talked to her from the very beginning to let her know that you felt that way after she said it like the first couple times. also, regardless of whether your mother is still alive or not, she is technically your stepmother, whether you see it that way or not. now I haven’t personally gone through it because thankfully my parents stayed married for over 40 years and my dad stayed single after my mother died but my son and his girlfriend who had children broke up and got with other people so there was that animosity about the children, calling my son‘s girlfriend, mom even though she wanted the children to call her boyfriend than husband, dad. but it went beyond that because from the time of the one grandchild was a little over two they were with me constantly, and I could’ve had the one and then both of them for a week at a time watching them and they ended up calling me, mom at times, especially the younger one who was raised more with me than the other, but I always corrected it and let them know that they did have a mother. That being said, I forget if you said you had children or not, but if you do, do they call your stepmom grandma since she is married to your father? And just because your stepmom says our daughter all the time she’s not doing it as a way to push your mother out of the picture. She’s just in an extra figure in your life and it would be OK if you did. Now, my other question that I have is is your mother upset that your stepmom says that or is it just you? because honestly, if it’s just you who has the problem and not even your mother, who saying I don’t like it when she says our daughter because she didn’t have you, my suggestion would be to talk to your mom and if you’re doing it out of respect for her she might not see it as being disrespectful on that side of it that the woman says our daughter as well, but you have to look at why you are so against her saying our daughter I know they were only married a year and what not but your father must’ve been dating her for quite some time so she’s been around you for quite a while and did she do this before or did this just start once your father and her got married?
NTA, so many stories like this, the entitlement some step parents feel is just staggering.
OP’s father should have discussed this with his new wife before they were even married. Surely this should have come up as to how the new relationships would work!
NTA for telling her to not call you that, but YTA for how and where you did it. While she should have asked you first if you were comfortable with it, you should have had this discussion privately and the first time. By you staying silent in all the other instances, you implied you were comfortable with it. Have an adult conversation with her.
How about calling you my precious?
Must really suck to have a Stepmom that’s actually proud of her stepdaughter. This generation is screwed up. My generation was getting beat and chained up in the closet by stepmom. Get over yourself. Well, as they say, all roads lead to narcissism.
NTA
She never should have called you her daughter in the first place. I’ve had stepchildren, the worst thing you can do is step on the child’s relationship with their biological parent. She just barreled in and tried to act like she had something to do with your childhood. That’s rude and entitled.
“dad, she should be humiliated for saying something so stupid. she didn’t even meet me until i was an adult. she is in no way my mom or a parent in any way. she is nothing but your wife to me and she needs to fing deal with it.” nta
Nta. She is your dad’s wife. You was an adult when they got together. There is no rasing you.