I (28 M) got into a huge argument with my sister (31 F) last week. The argument had been simmering for a long time, as tension between us has been high for years.
When I was 17 my sister had an accidental pregnancy, and when she told her boyfriend he left her. Due to our religious family she kept the baby, but once her daughter was born she panicked. She didn’t want to go through the legal troubles of adoption, so she asked that me and our mother took care of her kid. There was no legal custody, but it was an agreement made within the family.
I essentially raised my niece from birth until she was 3. With help from my mother, as she was working to support the new edition to the family. I dropped out of school and took care of her, fed her, changed her and taught her how to walk while my mom was away at work.
Then, my sister met her now husband, cleaned her life up and suddenly wanted her kid back. No warning, she moves back to home says thanks and starts being a mother. My niece is now eleven and doesn’t remember all I and her grandmother did. It’s been a family agreement to forget this all happened until the argument.
My sister made a petty comment during a fight, where she implied since I lost my job recently I can’t handle responsibility. I snapped and told her she was lucky her daughter was too young to remember how she abandoned her. My niece overheard this, and now wants to know what I meant. I outright said that her mother didn’t think she could raise her, and left her with me and grandma. Now my sister says I traumatised her daughter, and my mom says I should have kept the secret like we agreed. I think this secret couldn’t stay kept forever. Am I the asshole?
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I (28 M) got into a huge argument with my sister (31 F) last week. The argument had been simmering for a long time, as tension between us has been high for years.
When I was 17 my sister had an accidental pregnancy, and when she told her boyfriend he left her. Due to our religious family she kept the baby, but once her daughter was born she panicked. She didn’t want to go through the legal troubles of adoption, so she asked that me and our mother took care of her kid. There was no legal custody, but it was an agreement made within the family.
I essentially raised my niece from birth until she was 3. With help from my mother, as she was working to support the new edition to the family. I dropped out of school and took care of her, fed her, changed her and taught her how to walk while my mom was away at work.
Then, my sister met her now husband, cleaned her life up and suddenly wanted her kid back. No warning, she moves back to home says thanks and starts being a mother. My niece is now eleven and doesn’t remember all I and her grandmother did. It’s been a family agreement to forget this all happened until the argument.
My sister made a petty comment during a fight, where she implied since I lost my job recently I can’t handle responsibility. I snapped and told her she was lucky her daughter was too young to remember how she abandoned her. My niece overheard this, and now wants to know what I meant. I outright said that her mother didn’t think she could raise her, and left her with me and grandma. Now my sister says I traumatised her daughter, and my mom says I should have kept the secret like we agreed. I think this secret couldn’t stay kept forever. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my young niece about the family secret that her mother wanted to get rid of her, gave her to me and her grandmother to raise.
2) we agreed as a family not to bring this incident up again, and now my family is arguing about the situation.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Wow. So mom was cool with you sacrificing your entire future to save your sister? Now mom is angry you aren’t still playing the dutiful son who still does exactly what they are told?
I can give your sis some leeway as she messed up at 17. Mom was supposed to be the adult in this situation and her best response was to use her 17 yo son to cover for her sister. And what was dear sis doing why you were raising her child?Yeah, you’ve got a serious mother problem. NTA.
Edit. RaineMist pointed out I had the ages wrong. Your entire family is crap – mom and sis.
[removed]
>It’s been a family agreement to forget this all happened
ESH, Everyone Sucks Here.
This should never have been a family secret at all. Plenty of teen parents start with a rough patch, and your sister apparently got her act together and turned it around. Your niece could have had that explained once she was past toddler age and able to basically understand.
You chose to weaponize this information because you’re bitter about your own choices to step up and help your mother. But the person you are hurting more is your innocent niece, not your sister.
YTA. I’m sorry you went through this op. No child should be dropping out of school to raise other little children the adults at home should be raising. I know you said your mom picked up more work but the onus shouldn’t have been on you, your sister should have stepped up or put the baby up for adoption. This is your mom and sisters fault 100%. I don’t know that telling a little girl her mother didn’t want her was the best move though. I say this as someone whose own mother said straight to my face once when I was a kid she never wanted me. It really stings. You shouldn’t have said that in front your neice. I think that puts you in AH territory.
Soft YTA, because that’s not how your niece should have been told. I do understand your frustration, though. Your sister is definitely TA.
ESH.
You absolutely should not have said that in front of your niece. She did not deserve to find out like that; in trying to hurt your sister, you hurt her too and that’s not on.
I agree that this couldn’t be kept a secret forever, but your niece deserved to be told properly, and not treated as collateral damage in an argument between you and your sister.
YTA. You have valid baggage, but you need to keep that amongst the adults. You just dropped a bomb on your innocent niece. Not even remotely okay.
YTA.
NTA
Firmly believe don’t throw stones at someone who could ruin your entire life. She deserves it
If your sister is 31 and got pregnant at 17, wouldn’t that make the niece at least 13 years old and not 11??
If this was true you’d be a massive AH
Hurting a child to get revenge on her mother? Fvcking disgusting
Making up yet another ‘women bad’ story also makes you the AH
Secrets never stay that way. Especially secrets that should never have been.
NTA. Seems most here CANNOT grasp that YOU WERE A TEEN TOO and forced to drop out of school because of your sister’s bad decisions. Why?
The AH in this scenario is your mother who did not parent and had YOU taking on the responsibility of parent when you were just a kid yourself.
Your sister is an AH too because it is not the child she is thinking about. It is herself. She feels guilt. Doesn’t want to have to explain this to her child and would rather it be kept swept under a rug.
Your mom completely sucks for allowing you to derail your own life for the sake of a 20 year old woman not wanting to step up. It’s shameful.
You shouldn’t have said what you said, but hoo boy, I can’t even begin to understand the resentment you must feel.
NTA. Make no mistake; it was an ah thing to do. But I’m giving you a pass.
YTA
The person to think about was your niece. You let your ego take over and then doubled down.
You are a massive AH.
ESH your sister was completely out of line, FAFO. You should not have dragged a child into your argument. Bitch out your adult sister all you want, but don’t let your niece be collateral damage.
YTA. You did this out of anger and you’re so petty you are willing to hurt your neice just to get a dig in at your sister.
YTA – no question your sister was out of line and deserved your anger, but your niece didn’t and you took your anger with her mother out on her instead.
You’re obviously a nice person for everything you did, so judging you as an AH is probably quite harsh.
With that being said, you potentially traumatised your niece, who you obviously love to bits, because you wanted to ‘get back’ at your sister.
Very gentle yta.
INFO: did you know your niece was there?
If you didn’t know, then the slip could be forgiven, but even if your niece asked what you meant, you really shouldn’t have told her like that. I’m leaning to ESH, but if you knew then definitely YTA
YTA. Why would you do that to your niece? That was very hurtful and pretty cruel all in an attempt to hurt her mother.
It wasn’t your place to say anything.
INFO: Did you have any idea that your niece was close enough to hear the fight with your sister?
YTA. You shouldn’t spread your pain to another (younger) person – something that will stay with them the rest of their life. Did it alleviate your resentment? Get help – you have had a toxic life and you’re passing it forward.
ESH
For lying and using the kid as ammunition in your own sibling rivalry
This also seems some fake AI BS
YTA because you didn’t think about your niece, the child in this situation. It sounds like you told her in a brutal way. Yes, she could have been told at some point but this was a gross way to do it. This information is a huge thing for your niece to process and could completely change her relationship with her mum – which regardless of your feelings about your sister, is important to her, the child.
Your sister and mum didn’t handle any of the stuff well before that but in THIS situation YTA for not keeping grown up stuff to the grown ups. And eventually discussing what, when and how your niece would be told. You dropped a life changing bomb shell on a child and she may now struggle to trust ANY of you.
TTA. In what world will this comment benefit your niece‘s emotional well being? And how insecure are you that you hauled out a 13 year old grievance to get back at your sister for making a petty remark. Honestly, I’m a very easy going and forgiving person, but if I was your sister, I’d go no contact with you. You sound just plain mean.
Well she overheard you both. You didn’t tell directly to your niece. And, please go back to schooling for yourself.
Hey, people!!! He said his niece overheard. He didn’t say directly to her. The niece could be somewhere else in the house when the fight occurred and she overheard that.
Nah, its unfortunate niece heard argument. Ridiculous op had drop out school while sister just carried on with life.
YTA, you punished your niece (in a way that will be very hard for her to come back from) for your sister’s rude comment. That was an extremely dick move, full stop.
INFO: was the niece in your conversation or was she somewhere else out of sight but heard you talking anyway?
If its the first, then clearly YTA. Your niece shouldn’t have had to find out like that. IF its the latter, then NTA because you’d have no way of knowing she could hear you.
This is a real touchy subject because OP was younger than the sister and had to give up 3 years of his life to help raise the niece because the sister was a crap person. Now, OP has to act like those three years never happened because the sister doesn’t want to have her daughter realize that she abandoned her. Your sister is the clear AH there. I would really struggle if I was in OP’s shoes to act like I didn’t sacrifice my own life to raise her child for 3 years and never be able to discuss that. I’d hold a great deal of resentment against my sister and mother and would really struggle to maintain any relationship with the sister. I’d never get over how I created the connection with the niece as a parental figure only to have that ripped away from me because she showed up and wanted to pretend that whole time never occurred.
ESH. Keeping secrets often leads to mess.
Yeah YTA.
Shame on you. That was an awful thing to do to a child.
ESH
Only a stupid grown up ass of a man could think he taught a baby how to walk!!! FFS I despair
Why would you let a child know that!?
ESH because your sister had no right of dissing you and saying your irresponsible. You suck because you knew her daughter was home and that there was a possibility of overhearing the argument. Anybody who believes your sister did nothing wrong, is dululu.
YTA. Come on, you know you shouldn’t have said it like that to your niece. Yeah your sister is being ungrateful but all you’ve done now is upset your niece
NTA or maybe ESH. Why did YOU have to give up finishing school for your sister being a chicken shit who didn’t want to step up and then expected to keep silent? Someday this was gonna happen either way but you had every reason to believe it was only the adults you have issue with in the room. Your niece was never meant to hear that by your account of events so I don’t get everyone saying you’re cruel for telling her that. Once that bag was open there’s no putting the cat back in she was either gonna hear it from you or a twisted version from your sister.
You’re angry at the wrong person. Your mother’s choice to de-prioritize you in your education, it’s just that a choice.
This is something that is very common within religious communities that exalt the birth of children, but completely under represent how impactful childbirth is physically and emotionally on the mother. I actually know plenty of young mothers who struggled and whose family network stepped in to raise their children until they were able to get on their feet. Something else you might not realize is there is no cut off to being a mother, and your sister required her mother’s support during the difficult time she was in, and your mother’s choice to make you a part of her fix it plan is a conversation you need to have with her.
YTA, because your anger is misdirected and more than that no one ever gets a prize or gold medal for being a good parent. That is an action you take out of care and necessity, your mother’s forcing of that up on you is a problem that you need to take to her and not your sister. And you may want to include NASDAQ as pressured as you selves to step in and parent, your knees, is likely the same pressure. Your sister felt to give birth in the first place. So why is it that you get to be angry and seek empathy due to youth, but she doesn’t?
YTA as others have said, you wanted to get back at your sister and ended up giving your niece life long abandonment issues. I hope you have a talk with her and clarify that everyone wanted her and loves her. I don’t know why it would fall to you to raise the baby and I have no clue why you would drop out of school, why a parent would allow that and why a real adoption wasn’t done. Your sister not wanting to do paper work makes no sense as the alternative was your mom getting another job and you dropping out of school. Sounds like your mother really mishandled this entire situation as you and your sister were just children. You should be mad at her and not your sister.
NTA.
You didn’t know she was there, and once she knew it, it would have been ridiculous to keep it hidden. All it would teach her is that she can’t trust anyone as her mum and your mum kept lying to her or evading the question.
I say this as someone who essentially raised both a nephew and a niece for the first year of their lives due to a sister’s PPD. She got over the PPD (after wanting each of the kids to live with me full time so she could basically work, go home, shop, and be a weekend mother), and then she and her husband, for whatever reason, taught the kids that I am not worth knowing. They remember zero about their time with me, and now that they’re adults they’ve had zero interest in even really knowing me.
NTA for snapping at your sister. It also wasn’t your fault that your niece overheard.
But soft YTA for the way you delivered the news.
This should have been a much more sensitive conversation with her, if possible. I absolutely agree that this secret should have been told to niece, but from the get-go, never kept secret. What’s done is done though. Time to be real with the niece if possible. She’s old enough to understand teen pregnancy and crisis.
YTA
Because you crossed a huge line. You weren’t wrong to clap back, but you chose the wrong subject
Sure are the AH. You took out your frustration on your niece who is innocent in this.
YTA holy cow your poor niece.
YTA. It seems the secret could have been kept forever, but telling the secret is not even really the issue. If you were still close with your niece and had a heart to heart when she was 18, it would be understandable. The issue is that you didn’t share this to be open, you hurt this little girl to spite her mother. That’s way out of line and kind of gross. Your sister was 20 when this happened, very young and scared. Going by your OWN version of this story, she got her life together by age 23-24 and has parented well ever since. You are 28 years old, verbally incontinent, incapable of keeping your word, and hurt a child to spite her mother. You ARE irresponsible. All you did was prove your sister right.
YTA. she’s just a kid, she’s vulnerable, and in an effort to hurt her mom for being ungrateful, you basically told your niece she was unwanted. you should be ashamed and disgusted with yourself.
YTA – yeah right. This never happened. Greatly written to tug at the right hearts for rage bait.
Do better OP! Or whatever bot you might be.
If this is even remotely true…then still YTA for using your niece in your vendetta against your sister….
ESH.
More so on her mom and grandmother but you didn’t have to tell her like that. Also does she know that her mom’s husband isn’t her dad? Did your niece ever question why there were not as many photos of her from when she was a toddler with her mom?
NTA. Your sister has some nerve talking about lack of responsibility. Has she or your mother acknowledged that they literally stole the start of your adult life from 17 till she came back??? When you were finally done raising her child did they give you any support in getting your education? Did your sister financially reimburse your mother? It’s wrong that she just gets to have everyone accommodate her life while she throws stones in a glass house. Now it wasn’t ideal for your niece to hear this, but honestly she deserves to know. Her mother might be mom of the year now but what if she divorces her husband? She’s shown that she flakes when situations get hard.
NTAH, it was unintentional that your niece overheard and lying after the fact would have made you an AH.
ESH. This shouldn’t have been a secret. You put your life on hold for your sister’s child. Where was she during this period of time?
NTA. You did not know that your niece was awake at the time you had the argument with your sister. Your sister lost the moral high ground when she abandoned her child for 3 years. As for your mother, she needs a good swift kick in the pants for having you drop out of high school to care for a child that your sister abandoned.
ESH but YTA for keeping it a secret to at some point weaponize that information when it suited you and only harmed your niece as you used it as a shield to protect yourself.
At no point was this information being used to help your niece and I think that’s the most important distinction, is how you used the information. Even if the argument had been about something else such as telling your niece the truth and your sister refused, and you kept insisting, having it being blurted out like that without handling it with the care it deserves will ultimately only harm your niece and destroys any safety she thought she had. The person she thought loved beyond a doubt gave her up at her most vulnerable state for 3 years
The ESH is for your sisters actions and everyone in the family who wanted to keep this a secret.
Yta. You lashed out to hurt your sister, but hurt the niece you claim to love. Twice. Shane on you.
I think your sister should always been honest about the past with her daughter. This shouldn’t have been a family secret. However how your niece found out was the worst possible way ever. Yes it was good you stood up for yourself but you could have worded it better….
ESH but I feel like you telling the truth shouldn’t be a massive disgrace. It’s not your fault your sister lied to her child. Had she told her daughter the 100% truth this would not have happened. You and your mom should’ve been respected for what you did for your sister. She should’ve told her daughter how wonderful you were.
______________________________________________________________
I only include the following because I lived a similar experience but was not lied to. One issue was hidden until my Father blabbed after their divorce. But I was glad I didn’t know until I knew. I already resented him for dumping us as kids; so I was not surprised by the revelation.
(Hidden info was My father didn’t want a 3rd child so his parents raised me until was 5. I miss those times because I felt so loved. There was no secret to it aside from him not wanting me. I just thought I was upstairs in their apt because my mom needed help. I had a wonderful bond with them until my parents decided to sell the house and not include them in our new life. They moved to another state to be near my Aunt. I was devastated and frankly never recovered. Those were the best years of my life)
______________________________________________________________
Your niece may have felt similar about you and your mom had your sister not lied to her. Then had the nerve to say you couldn’t handle responsibility? Ew. I am surprised you didn’t say more.
But yes, for the sake of the child it could’ve been handled better.
YTA. Your niece deserves to know the truth one day in an appropriate manner, but you told her out of spite just to hurt her mother. You did indeed traumatize your niece, because now instead of seeing you as someone who took care of her and having two maternal figures, she feels abandoned and like a burden to both of you.
Yes, you’re the AH!
It is NOT your niece’s fault, or anything.
You ought to have NOT included her AT ALL!
Big Dique.
Your issue is with your sister. Also, grow up about it. Move on.
I don’t understand why this is a secret to begin with???? It should be known and celebrated that she has such a wonderful grandmother and uncle. This should have united you all. Your sister clearly feels a lot of shame for how she behaved and that must be why she doesn’t want it discussed… she’s TA for expecting you to raise her child for 3 years and then sweep it all under the rug. I’m sure you love this little girl deeply and to break off your connection with her and pretend it didn’t happen is probably deeply painful. But I’m curious why you don’t mention that in your post? This is all very strange. You however are also TAH for announcing it in this way. You said she abandoned her daughter??? In front of the daughter?! That’s HARSH. And so damaging for your niece to hear. Truly ESH. If you love your niece you should go back and tell her that you chose your words poorly and apologize to her.
ESH
Your mom should never have let you drop out of education and sacrifice your childhood to take care of her other child’s baby. From your replies, she also shouldn’t have let your sister move to another state and leave the two of you with her child.
Your sister was 20 at the time and under a lot of pressure to have that child, but at the same time she should have given the baby up for adoption. That, and I can see why the argument happened, saying that the person who cared for her child for 3 years is irresponsible is a recipe for disaster.
Your outburst may have been directed at your sister and that was justified against her. You may have wanted to tell your niece the truth about what happened rather than leave her mistrusting you all if you refused to answer. But I think this should have been a sit down conversation and it should have came after youd discussed it with your mom and sister.
And this whole thing should never have been kept a secret, where the burden of that secret mainly falls on you. I’ve messaged you before in the past about other things OP, hope everything goes well.
You were an angel for what you did for her, but you were an A for throwing it in their faces just to win the argument. Damage control now. Ruining the kid’s perception of security and love by denigrating her mother is a terrible thing to do; fix it.
YTA that was cruel. You like trashing your sister for being a panicked teen mom in the past but dude, you just destroyed a child’s world to score points in a fight with your sibling. I can have empathy for a 17 year old with a baby and wasn’t ready for a baby and an adult who came back to meet their responsibilities. I have zero empathy for a person who did what you did.
YTA
You’re an even bigger asshole if I really need to explain
YTA, you hurt your niece simply to be an AH
YTA. You hurt that little girl for no fucking reason cuz you were mad at another adult. Grow up.
ESH (except for niece, obviously)
YBA, you and your sister. She shouldn’t have screwed her family by her own irresponsible decision to not perform or find care for her daughter. You shouldn’t have flung a dagger aimed at your sister that hit your niece. As usual, AH adults make kids suffer.
Also, never do a favor you’d rather not perform. Regretting it later means you shouldn’t have agreed to do it in the first place. No one can save you from your inability to say no. You should also never ask a favor you wouldn’t be willing to do for someone else, and always take no for an answer.
NTA. He dropped out of high school and didn’t go to college to help out his mom take care of the toddler. It’s expensive putting a baby and toddler in daycare so he didn’t want that extra burden on his mom as she was working to provide for the baby and her child. He did a selfless thing as a teenager. Idk why he didn’t switch to home school though.
His sister is now saying he not responsible because he lost his job and he just reminded her she walked away from her first born. Tick for tack. Yes they both shouldn’t have been arguing but the niece wasn’t in the room she just overheard it. The sister has no right to call anybody irresponsible.
Nta, go nuclear at every opportunity, that’s what I do.
YTA You hurt your niece in an attempt to hurt your sister. Shame on you.
NTA, no one is ever an asshole for telling the truth and you sister shouldn’t be throwing stones. FAFO.
So for all you YTA out there, did it occur to yall exactly how much it hurt to give a TODDLER away after raising that baby from birth? All the sleepless nights, the love and cuddles, carrying this little snuggle ball, worrying and crying, teething nights and nightmares, only to have did waltz back in say she’s ready now that all the hard work and bonding is done and ripping that baby away?
ESH.
Your sister doesn’t get to look down her nose now that she’s in a different position in life. She forced you into a whole lot of responsibility when she opted to be irresponsible. You should not have made such a comment where little ears could hear it. But even more, you should have had a family powwow to discuss how best to explain the situation for how old she is and figure out if it even needed discussed at this point. Instead, you dropped a very big bomb on a very small child because you were angry. It shouldn’t be kept a secret forever, but that’s not how you do it. This wan’t just your choice and doesn’t just impact you, and that was cruel.
YTA trying to hurt your sister you hurt your niece instead.
NTA
NTA
as you say, your niece had already overheard your argument. you absolutely should’ve said it in a kinder manner, but you would be an asshole if you lied to her after she had asked you.
YTA but so is your sister and your mom. Your mom for allowing you to detail your life for her daughter. Your sister for thinking she can be even remotely judgmental when her choices made your life change. Finally you. While I get you have resentment. It was your choice. Of course her daughter will know at some point. But because you’re mad? At a comment? I’m sure the emotionally unpacking for an 11 year old will be lots of fun.
YTA you have no idea the kind of harm this can cause a child. You should not use children as pawns in your fight. You should talk to your neice and say sorry and explain her mummy loves her very much to prevent long term emotional and psychological damage
YTA. She’s a child she’s innocent in all this and there’s no way this revelation won’t affect her negatively moving forward. I’m sorry you had to give up your last years as a kid/first few years of young adulthood. That’s rough and nobody should have to do that. However that is 100% on your mother and your sister. Be mad at them all you want but don’t involve your niece.
You and your sister are both assholes
ESH. You shouldnt have let those words leave your mouth regardless of if niece could hear or not. It was a low blow. She sucks ass for giving you a baby, having you go through the sleepless nights, and coming back in to swoop the kid up when the hardest part is over. Asshole.
Esh
But YOU are the AH to your niece. If she’s settled and doing well with her mother and stepdad then you took a petty comment from your sister and uprooted your nieces solid foundation.
It is a good thing your niece doesn’t remember her mother panicking. Yes, it’s amazing you stepped up and did all you did…but who did you do it FOR?
All the work you put into your niece being a well adjusted 1-3year old child went out the window once she hear your statement. Her entire life probably feels like it was a lie. 3 years to an 11 year old is a lot. You put the work in for 3 years and made your niece well-adjusted and then you undid it in a second.
Your niece probably needs you to backpedal and apologize to your sister and her. You let a petty comment upset you that you literally induced a crash out for your 11 year old niece.
You were 17 and she begged you to raise her baby with the help of your mother? Now opinions are divided on your comment? Come on, creating writing exercise.
YTA
Like, a huge one.