My (29F) sister (32F) is getting married next month. We’ve always been close but there’s been some tension lately. So I have a partner (30M) of over three years. We’re not married, but we live together and share finances, etc. Everyone in our family knows him well. When my sister sent out invitations, I noticed mine was addressed only to me. I assumed it was a mistake, but when I asked her, she said she was keeping the guest list tight and only inviting spouses or fiancés and not boyfriends or girlfriends. I told her I felt hurt since my partner is a major part of my life and I wouldn’t feel comfortable attending such a big event without him. She said she understood but wanted to stick to her rule for everyone’s sake.
After a lot of back and forth, I ultimately told her I wasn’t going to attend. She got upset and told me I was making her day about me. Some of our family members have said I should just go. My friends think I’m right to stand my ground tho.
So AITA for skipping her wedding over this?
Comments
This concept seems to be the new “airline seat post”.
Tired and overdone.
YTA. She explained the situation. It’s spouses only. You’re taking it personally when it isn’t. She’s right. You made it all about you.
I’m betting that your boyfriend is disliked by your sister. It’s pretty callous to not invite a live-in partner of three years. If it’s about keeping the guest list small, then you invite your sister’s boyfriend before you invite someone else.
you are not the bad guy. 3 years living together and sharing a life together is not a ‘casual boyfriend’, he is your partner. for your sister to exclude him with that lame excuse of just spouses is contemptuous. if she prioritizes her arbitrary rules over your relationship, that’s her right, but you can also choose not to go. that you don’t gaslighteen with him you are making it all about you she started this
YTA it’s her day not yours. When you get married you can let every single person bring their SO. Even the teenagers!
NTA – he’s not a random boyfriend, he’s the live in partner of the bride’s sister. I assume he’s around for holidays and stuff at this point? He’s obviously an exception, it’s weird not to invite him.
NTA. She didn’t have to invite your BF, as the bride she gets to invite whoever she wants.
You don’t have to attend, and invitation is not a command performance.
You let her know that you wouldn’t attend without your long term partner, and she chose to not invite him, knowing the consequences. So her being upset is strictly on her. It is her loss because she wanted to make a statement about relationships and the fact that you didn’t have a Husband or Fiancé.
As far as etiquette is concerned you invite couples as a unit. If one is living with someone and sharing expenses, then they get invited as a couple.
Go if you want, don’t’ go if you don’t want to. Don’t use the excuse that she didn’t invite your partner, she gets to invite anyone she wants and you will be the AH if you decide to be a baby and not go. Go to the wedding wish them well and go home if you are uncomfortable at the reception alone. She is right you are making it all about you.
Hell, I would go just to count all the boyfriends and girlfriends she actually invited.
Not including your boyfriend was a deliberate slight at you for some reason.
Your sister ITAH.
That said, if I were your bf, I’d tell you to go and have a good time – I wouldn’t want you to miss your sister’s wedding, even if she ITAH.
NAH as a few people point out this isn’t your wedding but an invitation is an option not mandatory. If you don’t go be prepared for a fallout within the family.
Yo sister petty and lame ass hell. She acting immature and insensitive. If you don’t go to her wedding and u and said bf get married she not coming. So basically this the position you in . Go leave ya bf and be at your sister wedding or don’t go and you and ya sister fallout over said bf . Those your 2 options I woulda go option 1 cause if you choose 2 I’m positive there will be a major falling out between Yal which will prolly bring decades of agony and pain fighting and bullshit. So your choice
NTA people don’t have to be married for a relationship to be serious and that should be respected.
Put a Lil more effort into it .
YTA. I had a small intimate wedding and didn’t invite my brother’s girlfriend. They too were together for 3 years. Guess what? My vibes were right and they broke up (unrelated to wedding). I didn’t want pictures of my intimate wedding flooded with pictures of someone who wasn’t going to be in our lives in a few years.
But also, she has set a guideline for ALL guests and your boyfriend isn’t an exception.
NTA – but you may want to read the other posts about this same issue. If your partner was only in your life a few months, then I would have said go, but it is a long term situation. She may also be trying to FORCE your partner into proposing.
NTA. While I believe that your sister can invite whoever she wants, I believe that you have the same right on whether or not you want to go to her wedding. Honestly, I believe that it was a bitch move on her part not to invite your partner and you did nothing wrong by not attending.
Tough spot. If you and the boyfriend ever did break up, she would have been justified in her decision and you will have regretted not attending. However, if you do marry this man, you will have been proven correct in not attending and she would have egg on her face.
Who is paying? Your parents or her? If your parents are, I would approach them about this
If she and her fiancé are paying (or it’s the fiancé’s family), unfortunately you might not have a leg to stand on
It sounds like she doesn’t like your boyfriend
YTA. Once you have a wedding you’ll understand.
It sounds like now that she’s getting married, she’s somehow better than, and non married couples are no longer valid to her. She’s trying to be superior in a very passive way.
She’s the AH
are they blowing up your phone
You wouldn’t be comfortable attending your sister’s wedding alone? Even though you’re close?
Anyway, NAH.
She doesn’t have to invite anyone she doesn’t want to for whatever reason, and you don’t have to go if she doesn’t invite him. It’s her day, not yours, but your choice.
NTA he’s a family member at that point. No idea why she’s being nasty about it. I wouldn’t go either and I’d cut ties with her and people backing her up knowing the situation. Theoretical question: if your bf proposes next week he’ll be invited? Because these 3 years of shared life doesn’t matter but the ring does? 🤦 People are not engaged for variety of reasons. What if he can’t afford a ring he has in mind for you right now? Seriously, your sister is ta.
NTA. I feel like people are using this “he/she isn’t your actual spouse” as an excuse. If a couple is in a solid real relationship you invite them together. Otherwise it’s tacky. The idea that only relationships with a legal piece of paper are valid is outdated and ridiculous. If he was a random boyfriend that had never met the family, only dating a few months, etc then I’m fully behind not inviting a plus one given the costs of a wedding etc. But 3 years and living together – it’s a weak excuse. But – it’s your sister and you’ve got to decide if this is really the hill you want your relationship to die on. Because she’s clearly going to hold it against you if you don’t attend. Does your partner feel slighted about this? My hubby of 25 years would be fine with skipping a family wedding (and he likes my family).
NTA you’re just helping her with keeping the numbers low
How big is the guest listed? We really do not know who the asshole is until we see the whole invite list. If she she invited ANY unmarried significant others, then the bride is the ass. If she didn’t and kept to her rules, then YTA. It is her day, but we do not all the required info to make that decision.
I would go to wedding and skip reception.
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It has been traditional to address wedding invitations to “Jane Doe” and guest. Your sister is being cruel by inviting only spouses and fiances/fiancees and not partners (boyfriends and girlfriends). You have a perfect right to say no. To say that you are “making it all about you” is ridiculous.
Your relationship with your spouse/significant other is your most important relationship. 3 years is a long time. It is extremely disrespectful to exclude your bf.
The only real cost with an extra guest is the meal. Sis should be able to afford one extra meal. If not, the complaining family members should donate.
There are two general wedding rules:
It sounds as if you have made a choice. Sis needs to change her rule or live with the consequences.
NTA.. I’d bet dollars to donuts that not all of those involved in her wedding party are married or engaged and their bfs/gfs will be in attendance.
It’s obvious your sister or her hubby to be (and maybe others in your family) doesn’t like your partner.
We did this, HOWEVER, we included all commited partners, so boyfriends/girlfriends were 100% okay, as long as it wasnt like “we started dating 3 days ago”. I just didn’t want random plus ones (even though a couple brought them anyways in exchange of bringing their kids 🙄) I didnt want strangers at our wedding just so someone had a date. It makes way more sense to just be like no plus ones for singles than decide that having already had your own wedding was a qualifier to bring your partner.
Obviously, you are not that close. You received an invitation as a GUEST. You can RSVP as a guest.
Sounds like there’s WAY more to this story. There is definitely a reason he wasn’t invited, and it’s not her generic reasoning.
If he’s so important then why is he still just a BF and not a fiancé or husband? Also, this is easily solved by saying he proposed to you. Now he’s your fiancé. Doesn’t even have to be true. Who’s gonna know?
It’s bizarre not to invite a partner of 3 years who the primary guest LIVES with when the primary guest is the bride’s SISTER!
NTA
Is there bad blood between your sister and partner? Has she expressed that she doesn’t like him previously?
Living together versus being engaged is a MEANINGLESS distinction in today’s world.
Your sister made her wedding all about YOU by purposely excluding someone who is a huge part of your life. Some family say you should just go? Tell them to mind their own business!! Your sister seems to want to force you to choose and you did. Now she can live with the consequences of her ridiculous choice!!!
NTA
Well, I think it was wrong that your sister wouldn’t invite your boyfriend, it’s clear that she does not like him. I would’ve tried to get down to the bottom of why she can’t stand him. But I still would’ve gone and pretended things were OK at least during the ceremony and dinner.Because I would hope somebody would do that for me.
She does not like your partner.
Screw her rules. Its your wedding, not hers.
This is the third time this week that I’ve read a version of this story.
NTA. You don’t get to pick your siblings and you don’t have to have relationships with toxic people. Good on you for standing beside your partner.
NTA – After 3 years surely she knows him, and hopefully likes him, well enough that he warrants his own invitation anyway?
That would be my biggest issue, do they not get along? Does she dislike him? Because by now he should be family enough that he gets an invite without question anyway.
NTA. The lack of an invitation for your partner is for “everyone’s sake”? What does that even mean?! You can tell her you are skipping the wedding for the same reason.
Stand your ground.
Immediate family that you care about and wedding party members should get a +1 regardless of whether or not they’re on the path to marriage. Anyone else is optional to cut down on costs.
NTA
Perhaps, give you an option to pay for your partner. Pretty ridiculous being that you’re immediate family to limit you.
Your sister and the family that agree with her are arseholes.
Whether she likes your partner isn’t the issue here. She just doesn’t respect you enough to honour the tradition that your partner should attention
NTA don’t go.
NTA. It’s an invitation. You are under no obligation to attend. The only thing I might have done different is to not have a back and forth about it. Ask once, find it’s not a mistake, rsvp “no.”
Simple question you need to ask your sister. It’s her decision because it’s her wedding. Ask her what’s more important to her, you being at her wedding, or your partner not being there.
It’s one or the other. She’s the bride, she gets to choose.
If she is actually enforcing the only married spouses rule on everyone, then YTA
If the rule is only being enforced on you, the NTA
Updateme
More to
It. Why she didn’t invite him?? Not just because he is boyfriend..
YTA
She’s trying to save money by cutting down the guest list. So, she only invited spouses or future spouses. This is a perfectly reasonable tactic to take.
Earth to OP, you aren’t married.
I know you feel like there’s not difference (we even share finances!), but there is.
Don’t get in a huff because others won’t treat your pretend marriage like it’s a real marriage.
If you want others to treat you like you are married to this guy, get married.
If this is a real post. You’ve made the right decision by not going. She’s subtly trying to dictate your life be slighting you. Don’t give in to any guilt tripping from any family member. Stand up for yourself.
three years living together is real. you’re not a random date. skipping makes total sense.
Softly, YTA. Your sister is allowed to invite whoever she wants. Her rules are boundaries in keeping the guest list small (which she has the right to do). It’d be like if she was having a child free wedding and you couldn’t bring your kid with you. You CAN go one day without your BF accompanying you to a family event.
If you live together with joint finances that means he gets invited.
This is some petty crap she’s come up with.
NTA
You’ve done the right thing by not going. She’s subtly trying to control your world by slighting you. Obviously she has something against your BF. Don’t let her or any family member gaslight you into not going. I bet if you and him were married he would be invited. There’s something deeper under the surface that you must figure out. Good luck!
Nta. She can invite who she wants. They dont have to show up.
Yall have been together for 3 years and share a live just like a married couple. She did this. Not you.
Tell your family that your partner is your family too.
Are you sure there is no +1 for anyone else either? Minus your parents, maybe aunts/uncles, but other then that. No siblings, no cousins, no friends with +1? If she is telling the truth and lots of people can’t bring their partner then I would attend the wedding. Maybe the finances makes it impossible to have a wedding where +1 is allowed. Some would be able to have a tiny wedding with like 15-25 guests if that is enforced on almost everyone. Some maybe get a wedding with 100 guests even with that rule.
Obviously he should have been invited, their wedding will make almost no difference with 1 extra guests, and yes he should be seen as family after 3 years. But I wouldn’t miss my sisters wedding if it’s the same rule for pretty much everyone more or less.
If it’s a way to keep him out of the wedding then I would go no contact and cut ties forever.