I (21F) am queer, and have been living with my roommates (all 21 or 22F) for about a year now. I only knew one of them when I initially moved in, and as college students in completely different majors we didn’t really have time to get to know one another. A few days ago, I was on the phone with a friend and said something along the lines of, “I’m not a lesbian, but I’m pretty damn close.” I saw Roommate 1’s head shoot up from the dining room table, but didn’t think much of it since I was on the phone.
I guess she didn’t know that I liked women, because yesterday she stopped me as I was making lunch and said, “I heard your conversation yesterday, I didn’t know you liked women.” She sounded nervous, so I said, “Yeah I do, I hope that’s not a serious issue?” And she responded with the classic, “I mean it’s fine as long as you don’t hit on me!”
Here’s where I might be the AH. My response to that phrase is always “If I wanted to hit on you, you would’ve realized I was gay a LOT sooner.” (It allows me to be snarky to a comment that is VERY annoying, and in my experience is usually, at worst, met with a polite laugh.) She asked what I meant and I said, “If I wanted to date you I would’ve asked already.” She said, “Oh, okay” and walked out of the kitchen. Later I got a text from Roommate 2 saying I was completely out of pocket and I need to apologize for calling Roommate 1 “ugly”. And like, obviously I didn’t say that but AITA for using that phrase?
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I (21F) am queer, and have been living with my roommates (all 21 or 22F) for about a year now. I only knew one of them when I initially moved in, and as college students in completely different majors we didn’t really have time to get to know one another. A few days ago, I was on the phone with a friend and said something along the lines of, “I’m not a lesbian, but I’m pretty damn close.” I saw Roommate 1’s head shoot up from the dining room table, but didn’t think much of it since I was on the phone.
I guess she didn’t know that I liked women, because yesterday she stopped me as I was making lunch and said, “I heard your conversation yesterday, I didn’t know you liked women.” She sounded nervous, so I said, “Yeah I do, I hope that’s not a serious issue?” And she responded with the classic, “I mean it’s fine as long as you don’t hit on me!”
Here’s where I might be the AH. My response to that phrase is always “If I wanted to hit on you, you would’ve realized I was gay a LOT sooner.” (It allows me to be snarky to a comment that is VERY annoying, and in my experience is usually, at worst, met with a polite laugh.) She asked what I meant and I said, “If I wanted to date you I would’ve asked already.” She said, “Oh, okay” and walked out of the kitchen. Later I got a text from Roommate 2 saying I was completely out of pocket and I need to apologize for calling Roommate 1 “ugly”. And like, obviously I didn’t say that but AITA for using that phrase?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Told my roommate that if i wanted to hit on her i would’ve done it a long time ago, she took it personally and told our other roommate, who told me i needed to apologize.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, you didn’t call her ugly. You professed you were uninterested in dating her. Those are not the same thing.
YTA, way out of line.
NTA she made an ignorant comment and you responded in kind.
NTA. She’s inventing an insult that you didn’t make. Apparently she believes that every person who likes women must be interested in her, and if they don’t try for her, she has the right to feel insulted.
ESH. she shouldn’t have made a homophobic comment, you shouldn’t have spoken to her like that. it’s very easy to say “that’s actually a really inapropriate thing to say to me.” and end the conversation there. if you want to make people uncomfortable in their homophobia or racism you can say ‘and what do you mean by that’ to make them elaborate where that comment came from without also insulting them.
Your roommate is weird for that NTA but watch out for her
Do you often respond with aggression when someone tries to show you acceptance? (Granted, it was very clumsy.)
NTA – they took that to mean something you didn’t say. Also they’re the asshole in this situation for other reasons (the standard “I’m fine with queer people as long as you don’t hit on me!”). Also some people aren’t dating material because of their personalities lol and your roommate is a clear example. Some people suck. She’s the one who made it all about looks.
NTA
What you said was a great response to passive homophobia. Your roommate is TA and if she got that you were calling her ugly from that then she needs to work on her self esteem issues.
NTA, you never even implied she wasn’t pretty ? You just clarified that you weren’t into her. I’d actually be relieved if someone told me this way, I don’t think it’s rude or anything.
NTA, roommate did this to themselves.
Plenty of reasons to not want to date a person that aren’t based on looks. Like the fact that you live with the person maybe?? What a messy situation that could be.
Roommate is the one being out of pocket making something out of this that it isn’t.
NTA. If someone constantly disrespects your partner, the person you’re committing your life to, they don’t get a front row seat to your happiness.
Nta
Her asking you not to hit on her and then getting mad at you giving reason why you’re not gonna hit on her is really stupid on her part
NTA maybe you date for personality and assuming someone only wants to date for outward appearance makes your personality ugly
NTA. I don’t even think you were that rude – you simply said that if you were interested in her you would have made it known.
Roommate doesn’t want to get hit on. You make it clear it won’t happen. She takes that as an insult. How fucking ridiculous lol. NTA
100% spitballing, but it sounds like Roommate 1 is possibly closeted & secretly into you, so your response hurt her feelings. All of which would be on her, if any of it were true, which I have no way of knowing. Regardless: NTA
Ah man, you got me laughing with this one. NTA. Sorry you have a dense roomie.
You were a lot nicer than me! I remember I was meeting my man’s friends for the first time. One of his friends “ Yea I just don’t think I could ever date a black woman I prefer Indian women” and I said “ What makes you think a black woman would ever want to be with you?” The look of shock on his face 🤣🤣🤣🤣 and my man died! Hate it when people do that NTA
NTA.
Some people need to grow up and learn to understand sarcasm.
Besides her comment was really inappropriate in the first place.
NTA. Your roommates have a collective low emotional IQ 🥰
Nta.
I want to say “everyone sucks here”, but I’d never be so narcissistic to assume that a queer person is ready to hit on me just because we’re in proximity to each other. You could have been way ruder, but it seems like her ego was fragile from the get.
Stupid questions, get stupid responses.
NTA. She should move out instead.
She’s an asshole fishing for compliments. You are NTA
NTA. Not wanting to date someone does not mean they are ugly, means you don’t want to date them. I don’t want to date most of my friends and there is a shitload in that group that I find quite attractive. If they think that anyone who doesn’t want to date them finds them ugly, I recommend extensive therapy.