32F. This happened at a family BBQ over the weekend. Admittedly my judgement is very clouded currently due to overall frustration on my end but I’ve been told I’m the asshole. So, I need an unbiased view.
I have 3 kids. 14yo son, 13yo daughter and 2yo daughter. Originally I guess I kind of chalked this behavior up to normal adjusting to the baby and change and what not but it soon blossomed in to full on lying and validation/attention seeking behavior. Again, a lot could be normal? I have no idea. My daughter has been seeing a therapist for 9.5 months now.
When I had my 2yo, my 13yo swooned. She was absolutely in love with the baby. Tried holding her 24/7. Constantly playing with her. Constantly asking if she could help in any way. In all aspects our home life was kick ass, honestly. I took the older kids out for one on one dates twice a week, family nights every Saturday, movie nights every Sunday and everything just seemed normal and loving. But about a year ago my 13yo started to act out tremendously. Getting in to full on fist fights at school, became a severe bully to literally everyone (including her siblings, me and my husband). Started getting incredibly bossy, demanding and entitled. Started saying things like “I fully expect princess treatment because I deserve it” or “you guys should listen to me because I am the queen”. This started as a joke but she quickly took on the persona. She just went south. Even toward the baby. She started intentionally trying to scare the baby by running up and screaming while the baby was unsuspecting. Would start laughing hysterically when the baby screamed. Ripping things out of the babies hands constantly and saying “mine”. Tried getting the baby to hit people. Kept sticking the baby in the corner when she was barely walking because the baby wouldn’t hug her. Would slam doors or throw things when I told her to stop and that it wasnt funny. Started calling us all fat or lazy, saying things like “its a good thing at least one of us in the house is gorgeous, I literally am the only one here who is attractive”. The one on one dates I had with her turned in to screaming matches and silent treatments because she wanted me to splurge and spoil her with hundreds of dollars worth of stuff and I wouldn’t (the one time I did, I brought her to get her hair and nails done and spent $280 and within 2 days she ripped the nails off and expected me to go pay for them to be redone and that following weekend she rough chopped her hair and then told me to “get over it” when I commented on how much money I just spent to get all that done for her). Caught her vaping, which she blatantly lied about. Ran away from home several times. Caught her making social media accounts under fake names on 9 separate occasions (she just turned 13 and we have a no social media like facebook until you are 14 rule). She is now grounded from all electronics (gaming consoles and tablet) until further notice. I do think all of this is directly contributed to her friend group. They are not good kids, at all. All of this is why I put her in to therapy. She still fights me to go and it takes over an hour to get her in the car every single time. WITH THAT SAID, she’s actually been doing kick ass for a good two months. Attitude hasn’t been as bad, bullying has cut back, no more running away, etc. Shes picked up drawing and on my lord is she absolutely fantastic at drawing. Shes even sold some paintings! So, there’s good and bad but it seemed like we were on the mend.
Anyways, we go to this family BBQ over the weekend and honestly, we do not see my family much at all – outside of my parents. Most of the people at this BBQ were people I had not seen in 8+ years and a lot of them had never even met my oldest kid because they’ve just never been around. I think we only ‘knew’ like 6 people out of 40+. It was super uncomfortable and my anxiety was through the roof. My daughter even commented on it and asked me if I wanted her to go out to the car with me for a breather. I told her it was fine and that I would just go, because she was hanging out with a cousin that was her age and I just didnt want to bother her or disrupt her time because of my anxiety. I stayed outside for about 10-15 minutes and when I came back inside the atmosphere was just off. People were either openly staring at me with disgust or just avoiding me completely. Originally I thought it was just my anxiety making me think stupid shit so I tried to brush it off but then my aunt approached me and told me she needed to talk to me in private. My aunt is a CPS worker. She asks me “so what’s going on?” And I ask what she means and she goes “well Kimmy just told us that you yell at her all the time because she won’t watch your baby for you and that she’s always cleaning the house while you and the boys sit on the couch and watch tv.” I told her that was absolutely not true and she cuts me off and says “im sure that it’s also not true that you dont let her have a social life either because you need her home to help you with the baby and clean the house? Have you considered getting yourself in to therapy? She told me that you cry all the time and barely get out of bed and you know I am a mandated reporter so I have to report this.” I just walked away, got my kids in the car and left without saying anything to anyone at this point and when we got home I told my daughter to pack her stuff. She acted super confused and kept asking why and I had a bit of a moment and lashed out, telling her that I had never been so disappointed in my entire life and that because of her and her lying and manipulation, my aunt was now going to call the state on me and it was time for her father to step in because I was done. I had already contacted her dad and he was on his way to my house to get her.
She had an absolute conniption, which is to be expected. She originally tried saying she never even talked to my aunt. Told me she had no clue who I was even talking about. But when that didnt work and I told her that I knew she was lying, she gave a “well I was just angry that you wouldn’t let me go to Hannah’s this weekend” (Hannah being the friend who gave her the vape and Hannah’s mom being a woman who was trying to help my daughter come up with a plan to sneak out to her boyfriends house, knowing I dont allow boys here or her to go to boys houses). She begged me not to send her to her dad’s, said she would “stop” and “try to do better”. Even threatened to end herself and said that it would be my fault. I still sent her. My ex (her father), my husband and my mother are all on my side here and back me 100%. But I have gotten some super hateful and ignorant messages from other people (like my CPS worker aunt), saying that I have failed my kid and to not be surprised when my kid hates and has nothing to do with me once she turns 18.
I need hard truths here.
Comments
you do need therapy. the 13yo needs therapy too.
the way I see it, you either have a little sociopath who is finally coming into it, or was like brainwashed by TikTok or some bs… ORRRRR imomore likely you do expect her to help you raise her sisters and are putting on way more pressure than you think, and the girl is acting out for attention.
the fact that you are willing to send her away as a punishment, makes me lean towards the second option.
I (and i would assume social workers) are more likely to side with what a child is saying over a clearly overwhelmed parent.
Need more info but my gut says YTA.
withwr way please get therapy for all involved.
the truth is probably somewhere in the middle
NTA OP. You did all you could and she put your other two kids at risk of being removed from your home with her blatant lies. Let her father deal with her, don’t be remorseful for protecting your other kids. If she uses this against you down the line and chooses to not have a relationship with you, again, that’s all on her. You did the best you could.
YTA sadly. There is stuff you’re not telling us here. She needs love and attention which she’s clearly not getting. Instead of giving her that, you sent her away like a broken toy. Your aunt is right I’m afraid. I think your 13yo behavior is unacceptable but it’s coming from somewhere. She’s doing whatever she can to have her mom for herself for a bit, even if it means you’ll yell at her.
NTA! I was your daughter around that age and i truly believe 13 is the age little girls believe they know better than everyone else and are above all authority at some point you have to stand your ground because kids now days have so much access to social media at their fingertips 10+ years ago you would never hear a child say if you hit me i’m calling cps on you but it’s a norm now. your not a bad mom your an overwhelmed and stressed mom. There’s definitely better ways to handle the situation but i think we all say that about a lot of situations when everything is said and done. I agree with therapy but i think she should also be in these therapy sessions for some clarity on what’s really going on with her. It could be for rebellious reasons wanting freedom or it could be something traumatic that happened that has caused her to act out that she’s not comfortable to talk about. Just because these kids live with you doesn’t mean you see everything that happens to them in their day to day. My best advice is to apologize and explain why you did what you did, not that it’s right or wrong but always explain why actions have consequences whether they like it or not and when they’re older you won’t dictate how they’re punished in the future. Don’t beat yourself up too hard! motherhood doesn’t come with a handbook and your daughter is WRONG!
NTA, Honestly, if all this aunt’s allegations turned out to be true, I’d probably do the same thing. But that CPS lady seemed pretty keen on demonizing you… You’re not getting much support here.
What makes you think dad will really step up and handle her? Won’t she just twist things on him too?
NTA – What she said to the family is completely unacceptable, and well beyond the bounds of “acting out.” She sounds as if she is a borderline sociopath. You commented she is seeing a therapist, but have any potential issues been brought to your attention?
NTA she a nightmare. Updateme
NTA.
You aren’t sending your kid off to some farm, you are having them live with their other parent in a safe environment. It’s actually great that you have that option, because not only is he an equal parent, the move itself is a consequence that hopefully has an impact. Just changing environments can be positive- getting away from bad influences, stuff that has become triggering, bad patterns- along with seeing she can’t get away with her behavior is important.
And also you are at the end of your rope, so asking for help yourself, and a break, is totally acceptable. It sounds like you and your ex are on the same page, he is equipped to step in, and you aren’t abandoning your kid, you are making a change to hopefully help them.
NTA
Teen/Pre Teen girls are ROUGH. You did the right thing in getting her out of her current bad influence friend group. She is clearly picking up some majorly anti social habits/traits.
Screw the people that have anything negative to say, it’s easy to judge when you aren’t up to your neck in combat with a hormonal teenager.
Sometimes teenagers need a reality check and hopefully a couple years with her dad will adjust her perspective. My mom sent me to a private school in SC when I was told “Either a boarding school or Foster Care” when I was totally out of control at about 14/15. I was pissed at the time but it gave me a chance to get my shit together and realize where I actually wanted to be.
She sounds like she needs a couple weeks at one of those outward bound style summer camps.
NTA. You have a duty to protect your baby and honestly, her behavior makes me fearful for the baby.
So your aunt believes your daughter and thinks your daughter is in danger at your house and said she has to report it. Now she is mad you are sending her to her father?
NTA Your daughter could put your other two kids in danger with that kind of lie too.
NTA
She is in her FAFO period of life. She lied, knows she lied and now has to suffer the consequences of it. Maybe this if what it takes for her to open her eyes and realize she can’t go through life lying and expecting to just get away with it.
You gave her ample chances and time to turn it around. Sounds like you co-parent well with your ex at least and he won’t put up with her shit, which she fully knows.
To me it sounds like she needs a new environment because she has maxed herself out in yours. Does she have a cell phone? Tell dad to take it away and change her phone number. No more contact with this friend group. He needs to monitor her computer activity. No cell phone after she gets home from school. And for the love of god put this kid in some after school activities. If she’s busy she can’t get into as much trouble. Sports, art classes, music, whatever. Find her something to do. I have a daughter the same age and my god she can be a terror when she’s bored. She loves making things, drawing, crafting, any kind of art really. My mom was the same way so I have a ton of activities to keep her busy after school. She can’t have her cell phone unless it’s for a quick call or take somewhere out of the house with her. No computer time unless I’m with her.
Does he live in the same school district? If not, that’s a plus. New school, new friends plus continuing therapy, might do her a world of good.
I know it sounds like a lot but it seems like she has formed some bad habits that need to be changed.
Honestly, your daughter having nothing to do with you once she turns 18 sounds like more of a gift than a punishment.
Actions and words have consequences. Your daughter paved this road and now she can walk on it. Do not let those who disagree sway you or change your mind.
NTA
NTA
NTA
Updateme!
Heya OP, I think perhaps YTA. Before I get downvoted to oblivion, let me explain why.
I mean this with kindness, but as someone reading this from the outside, a lot of your post sets off red flags. Not just about your daughter’s behavior, but about the entire dynamic between the two of you. You asked for hard truths, so Im gonna give you an honest breakdown of what I see here.
You describe your daughter as having a loving bond with your youngest, being helpful, and your household as “kick-ass,” then say she suddenly became a bully, liar, and manipulative teen. Behavior that intense doesn’t just emerge without any reason. It could be trauma, mental health struggles, neurodivergence, or unmet emotional needs but it’s rarely “just bad friends.”
The focus seems to be entirely on how she changed, not on what may have happened to trigger that change, or how your parenting might need to adapt in response. Which, yes, of course it will due to this sort of being a vent post, but do you know whats going on with your daughter?
There’s a lot of discussion of punishments, rules, and consequences. But I dont see many mentioning of emotional validation, or understanding. Does she feel safe opening up to you? Does she trust you with her feelings? Has anyone sat with her and asked why she feels the need to lie or lash out? Even when she offered to go outside with you at the BBQ for support, it was brushed off. That was a bid for connection, and unfortunately you missed it.
You sent her to live with her dad the same night she upset you. In the middle of a breakdown. After she said she wanted to die. That wasn’t a measured parenting decision. That was an overwhelmed reaction. And even if you truly felt it was best, the timing (right after a social embarrassment) makes it feel like rejection and conditional love, not protection. Even if she was trying to manipulate you emotionally, suicidal threats should never be brushed off. She needs more support, not less.
When it comes to the “queen” stuff, the narcissistic comments, the entitlement, have you ever thought perhaps that all of it could be posturing? Kids don’t act like that unless they’re hurting, insecure, or desperate for control in an environment where they feel powerless or unseen. You describe her as spoiled or manipulative, but not once do you wonder why she’s behaving this way. Do you discuss any of these things with her?
She’s in therapy, but do you know what she talks about there? Are you in family therapy with her? Because individual therapy can only do so much if the family system is part of the problem. Honestly, it sounds like your daughter might not just need one on one therapy… she might need to feel heard, understood, and reconnected with emotionally.
Something I noticed is that you were more upset that she embarrassed you in front of family than concerned about why she said those things. Whether she exaggerated or not, she clearly feels neglected, overworked, or emotionally disconnected from you. Where did that perception come from? Instead of asking, “Why would she say that?” you immediately focused on defending your image and punishing her. And Im not talking about her saying its due to her being mad because xyz. Im talking about actually getting down to the bottom of it. Not just one instance, the whole big picture.
Honestly, this sounds like a kid who’s emotionally overwhelmed, maybe neurodivergent or traumatized, who has no idea how to ask for help. A child who hasnt been taught to emotionally regulate, and who possibly was taught that love is conditional. She’s acting out but every one of those behaviors could be a symptom of pain, not just defiance.
You can’t punish the pain out of a kid. You can only connect them out of it.
I’m not saying she’s innocent or that you’re a villain. It’s clear you’re exhausted and doing what you think is best. But sending her away, especially after she reached an emotional breaking point, may only convince her that love is conditional and fragile.
You don’t need to be perfect, OP, but you do need to show up with curiosity, not just consequences. She needs to feel safe and wanted, not like she’s just a problem to be solved or a burden to deal with.
Please, I implore you to consider family therapy. Please consider asking your daughter why she’s been hurting so loudly. Because right now, she sounds like she’s drowning. And the person she needs to throw her a rope is probably you.
if she doesn’t want anything more to do with you then good riddance
Are you sure you don’t need a different psychologist? Like…. This sounds like a full on mental issue….. I’d see more doctors tbh.
Does she have her own phone, and does she have access to social media on it?
I ask because my oldest is adopted. We adopted her right before she turned 13, she was in and out of our home from the time she was 9, and consistently from 11 on. Before her adoption, she had a phone provided to her by her guardian (grandma) that had 0 restrictions. She was on all the social medias, and it was a problem. A serious one. We got rid of the phone and removed her access, and her behavior changed nearly over night. Is she a perfect kid? no, none are, and I’m not a perfect parent, but the oppositional defiance, and lashing out went away pretty quickly.
NTA actions have consequences