For context, I am asian. My (20M) girlfriend (20F) and I have been dating for three years. She went to a university in Asia while I remained in the United States. Today, she was complaining about how she doesn’t like how they get assigned asian roommates because they don’t understand each other and it becomes awkward, and continued by saying that its always really awkward for her with how many asian people there are there. I joked that she shouldn’t have gone to a university in Asia if she hates asian people. She got really mad at me and said that it was a rude comment and that I was attacking her and her decisions. Obviously she has a right to feel this way, but it was pretty clearly a joke and I don’t feel like most people would react this way to what I said. Am I the A hole?
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For context, I am asian. My (20M) girlfriend (20F) and I have been dating for three years. She went to a university in Asia while I remained in the United States. Today, she was complaining about how she doesn’t like how they get assigned asian roommates because they don’t understand each other and it becomes awkward, and continued by saying that its always really awkward for her with how many asian people there are there. I joked that she shouldn’t have gone to a university in Asia if she hates asian people. She got really mad at me and said that it was a rude comment and that I was attacking her and her decisions. Obviously she has a right to feel this way, but it was pretty clearly a joke and I don’t feel like most people would react this way to what I said. Am I the A hole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I made a joke I did not find offensive but she did find offensive.
2) I might just be dense and the joke could just be offensive to most people.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. It was pretty clear she was using hyperbole. Pedantic checking of a s/o is AH move.
What did she expect going to a school… in Asia? If you choose to study abroad, isn’t part of the experience making friends with locals?
ETA: NTA
NTA. Come on, she’s in an asian country and she hates having asian roomates because, surprise surprise, they’re not very familiar with the english lamguage. Then she says it’s awkward how many asian people there are AGAIN in an asian country.
You get to ridicule her comment if she says something this ridiculous herself.
NTA. Who the hell goes to uni abroad and then is annoyed by… being abroad? Go to a local school if encountering people from a different country is such an issue.
Your gf is an idiot and honestly…. It does not bode well for your relationship. Dump. NTA.
well… seems like she got pretty defensive for you pointing out the obvious in that she’s entirely the one at fault. she obviously didn’t care for you showing that her complaint is really stupid
what did she expect, that she goes to a university in a whole different country that magically only had American students? ….ummmmmm.
NTA
Meh.
Your comment was offbase. She clearly doesn’t “hate Asian people”, as in being racist, given that she is dating you (an Asian) and is studying in Asia. You make it sound like her difficulty relating to/living with people from different cultures makes her a hater/racist, which it doesn’t.
Typically in dorms/residences, the coordinators do try to find better alignment or compatibility (whether by roommate surveys, etc) to match people up. It’s not easy living with a stranger, no matter where they’re from.
Lolol NTA nice calling out the bs.
saying there’s too many asian people in asia is crazy, NTA.
if she didn’t hate asian people i feel like she wouldn’t have felt attacked by your comment… defensive maybe but she specifically said she felt attacked which is a red flag.
NTA. Weirdo behavior on her part. Also maybe she shouldn’t complain about Asian people to her Asian boyfriend??
Oh man, does she also visit people’s homes and get offended that they live there? NTA
Isn’t learning the language and culture the point of studying abroad? This feels very cultural appropriation-y. NTA.
Why are you dating someone who isn’t fond of your ethnicity
Why are you dating someone who isn’t fond of your ethnicity
fellow asian person here — date someone else. it sounds like she’s being defensive, perhaps she deep down knows that she holds some biases. i also find it odd that she feels comfortable complaining about asian people to an… asian person — i think this indicates cultural erasure, or even thinking of you as “not like the rest.” you may have been joking, but she sounds entitled and frankly, racist when she’s studying abroad but has the audacity to complain about THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE. she should be lucky all you did was make a joke.
it goes without saying but, NTA.
She probably underestimated how racist the Asians in asia are
Yta
You probably don’t realise it because it’s LDR, but she’s probably having culture shock and also may be experiencing racism
She doesn’t hate asian people by what you’ve provided. The same could be said of the awkwardness regardless of the country she chose.
I went to uni with a girl like this. She spent lord knows how much money to go to a school in Japan, just to complain about how Japan is awful and she hates it and everyone who likes Japan is stupid.
She had apparently followed a guy there. A guy she wasn’t dating and who didn’t like her. She got deported for selling drugs and smuggling hamsters.
Anyway NTA. It’s a valid question. Why go to an Asian country (and date an Asian person) if you don’t like Asian people?
She’s not saying she hates Asian people, she’s trying to explain what annoys her about the university room mate system, it’s as simple as that. You’re putting words in her mouth for (no reason?)
NAH but chill out
When she is older she is going to vacation in Mexico and be pissed off that so many people speak Spanish.
NTA. What a weird person you are dating to vocalize such a thing.
NTA, she said a stupid thing, but this sounds like a language barrier situation.
This is something for you and her to figure out and make up for.
is it possible she meant that she wished she could room with another study abroad student rather than native student? studying and immersing yourself in another country and culture is amazing but it can also be really mentally exhausting at times because of the linguistic and cultural differences, having a space where you can decompress from that (like a dorm) can be really beneficial in those experiences. i would try to get a better understand of whether she meant she didn’t want to room with an asian person as a whole or meant a native student from that country. like if her roommate was asian-american and also not a native student, would she be fine with that?
Other commenters are conflating the Asian culturally/linguistically with Asian physically, and your gf may be reacting to the same thing in your response.
She obviously is not purely racist as she’s dating you, but she certainly was naive about the cultural difference. Your comment is appropriate, when framed that she shouldn’t have gone to university in another country/culture if she isn’t willing to bridge the gap to that other language and cultural context.
NTA. I don’t understand why she would get mad at that, but she’s like racist so who cares what she thinks. You should break up with her because i hate to see assholes happy
NTA
Related: “A consumer rights champion has explained the rules after one woman had to eat Greek food every day on her Greek holiday”
https://www.mirror.co.uk/travel/news/your-rights-hotel-refuses-serve-35352881
NTA but why did you use the word ‘hate’? She did say she hated Asian people, she is just having a difficult time in a new culture and with language barriers. This is normal.
I’d ask her instead ‘What did you think was going to happen when you went to Asia to learn?’
Seriously, did she think everyone was going to speak English?
She needed to prepare better by asking if she could be partnered with someone who knew some English, and then thrown herself into the culture and language learning so she could adapt.
IT sounds to me like she tanked a great opportunity.
NTA but it depends on your tone.
went and studied abroad in china, got put in the foreign dorm. My roommate was japanese, we spoke chinese as the shared language.
I think the gf wouldve complained if she went to study abroad anywhere they didnt speak english as the primary laguage. Just sounds like standard monocultured American.
I think going over her frustration and being able to walk it through wouldve been the more tact choice but that needs more context for what she actually said.
What country was it though lol.
Had the same experience with an exchange student from the US. She and her friends came to study in the whitest town in the Netherlands. She hated it because she hated white people. She was very, very white btw.
I think I can see her side. She is having difficulty talking to people, including her roommates, and is likely overwhelmed. The culture is different, the laws are different and she is always self concious. It’s difficult to make friends when you can’t talk to anyone.
So she started ranting to her boyfriend and she said stupid stuff out of frustration. It was stupid but maybe cut her some slack? NTA.
YTA, sounds like she was trying to vent to the person she loves about the language barrier where she lives, and he asked why she hates Asian people, and then he ran and asked the internet which one of them is being a jerk.
YTA. You know she’s not being racist; she was just venting to you about a valid struggle she’s having. You made a bad joke and it didn’t land. A lot of people wouldn’t like being called racist, even as a joke. Whether or not she knew you were kidding or thought you were actually accusing her of racism is irrelevant, as is how you think others would react – she was confiding in you, you responded inappropriately, and you’re making excuses instead of apologising.
Your girlfriend complained about a frustrating language barrier and you accused her of hating Asian, then ran to the internet for an anonymous post accusing her of hating Asian people.
YTA, most definitely.
NTA – she is very defensive , what was there to get mad abt in the whole Convo !? It’s normal teasing couples do .
NTA. She doesn’t like how she had asian roommates in Asia? What? Fair response from you.
NAH.. miscommunication. She doesn’t hate asians, she hates that she can’t communicate with the people she rooms with. They just happen to be asian because she’s in asia.
NTA
Your gf has a brain the size of a pea. Idk what she expected when she decided to study in ASIA where the majority of people are ASIAN. Next time she complains, tell her she sounds dumb as shit.
NTA!! I feel like a lot of commenters skimmed over the part where you wrote that she doesn’t like being assigned asian roommates while she’s in asia. I can see why you made that joke and I prob would’ve made a similar comment because what a weird thing for her to say?
If you ask me, she got super defensive for a reason 🤷♀️
NTA but why are you asian dating someone who has shown she doesn’t like asian people???