I (F28) went on a 10-day couples trip with my partner (M33), my college best friend (F29), and her partner (25, they/them). For context, the four of us had been hanging out almost weekly for the past year (game nights, dinners, concerts, etc.) My partner and my best friend had also become really close, so this group dynamic felt solid. We were all really looking forward to the trip.
But things started going south quickly. Her partner didn’t seem interested in most of the activities we planned (beach days, snorkeling, waterfall hikes, etc.) They’d often just stand around silently or look visibly irritated. The energy was noticeably off.
On the second night, my partner got a bit too drunk and was being obnoxious; loud, joking too much, over-the-top. It wasn’t great, and I even brought up an old story at dinner about how he once dropped a pizza crust on me at a party and how annoying it was. It was meant to be funny, but the next day, my friend’s partner pulled me aside and told me I should “watch out for abusive behavior.” That really shocked me, my partner isn’t perfect, sure, but he’s absolutely not abusive. My partner also apologized for his drunkenness and didn’t do that the rest of the trip
Especially because… and this is where it gets more complicated. My friend’s relationship with their partner has been rocky for a long time. They’ve had ongoing issues, including their partner cheating on them in the past. I’ve seen firsthand some troubling behavior, like one time when they angrily slammed a remote out of my friend’s hands during a heated game of mario kart. So to have them make that kind of judgment about my partner felt incredibly unfair and hypocritical.
Things escalated again when we were about to go on a hike, and their partner started protesting that it would be too long. My partner, clearly frustrated by the vibe of the whole trip, snapped and said, “Well let’s just go then,” without leaving room for discussion. He apologized for his tone later.
After that, my friend began telling me in private that their partner had been irritated with my partner for a while; for things like questioning why we had to lock the gate at night (which apparently set them off), or claiming he called them a loser for not snorkeling (which didn’t happen).
Eventually, my partner tried to address the tension with the group directly, but it turned into a very intense conversation. We were accused of “arguing the whole trip” (we weren’t), and my friend said they wanted to split off from us for the remainder of the vacation. That left us scrambling to book a new Airbnb and rental car for the last 5 days (expensive and stressful).
My partner, understandably upset, vented about how frustrating the situation was said something like “this is so shtty”. My friend ended up yelling at him and called him an asshole. He still apologized again for anything he might have done that made them uncomfortable, even though by that point we were both feeling really put out and blindsided.
After we got home, my friend messaged me saying she doesn’t want us all to hang out together anymore, but that she’d like to continue our friendship. She also told my partner she didn’t want to be friends anymore and that he was gas lighting her the whole trip (no explanations just that). I told her I didn’t think that was fair, not without some kind of reconciliation or accountability. We were treated really unfairly, left hanging halfway through the trip, and I still don’t feel good about how she spoke to my partner or how her partner jumped to such serious (and, in my opinion, hypocritical) conclusions.
I care about her a lot, and my partner genuinely valued their friendship too. But the whole experience left a really bad taste, and now I don’t know how to move forward.
TL;DR:
Couples trip with close friends turned tense fast; friend’s partner was distant and critical, past issues resurfaced, tensions boiled over, and the group split halfway through. Left feeling blindsided and stressed.
How do you rebuild a friendship after a trip like this, or know if it’s even worth trying?
Comments
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It sounds like your partner might be an asshole and you don’t realize it. Not enough information.
Sounds like their partner didn’t want to be there from the jump and was dragged along. And your boyfriend and you may think it’s not arguing but you’re actually bickering more than you think.
They say you don’t know somebody till you live with them.
Seems you and your friend have both hooked up with people at the extremes of the spectrum in terms of life attitudes. Your partner has no guardrails and her partner is neurotic. As the grown adults you and she now are there’s always the possibility that you can have a friendship that doesn’t involve either of your partners. But that would mean you’d both have to admit you’re dealing with people who are a little ‘extra’. It’s all a matter of valuing this friendship enough to compartmentalize the other parts of your lives.
I think it’s fine to just leave it where you’ve left it: the only thing all of you can agree on is that you shouldn’t hang out as a group any more, so that won’t be happening again. As for the two of you, there are clearly a lot of hurt feelings and defensiveness floating around, so you should give each other space to cool off and see if you can just accept you’ll never understand each other’s romantic choices, or if keeping these partners around is a dealbreaker.
And that’s exactly how even the strongest friendships, built over years, fall apart, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just not necessarily your path. I’ll just add that the reason is usually your significant other; I’ve experienced this myself, and that’s okay too. Sometimes you just have to choose, and you both chose your partners, and that’s a good thing.
my take:
the tone of your post makes it very obvious you are on your partner’s side and are choosing him. This is great for the future of your relationship. Continue to choose him.
I get the feeling that your friend’s “partner” is a thorn in everyone’s side. Like, the part where they lectured you about abusive behavior when the only abusive behavior you’ve observed was coming from them (slapping the controller out of your friends hand). And their presence alone seriously tanked the vibe of the group. I think she is manipulating and influencing your friend more than you realize
Dont go on vacations with friends!
Sounds your friends partner is a real pain in the ass, didn’t want to be there and found shit to be offended over and made your partner spend his vacation apologizing instead of doing cool shit. Plus like. 10 days is a long time with any other couple.