Me and my wife met back in college. I was always a really shy guy growing up and I didn’t have too much interest in dating as I was too afraid to talk to girls and focused on football and my studies. One day as I was sitting on bench on campus after practice, my wife just so happened to pass by me with a big smile on her face. I still remember everything about that moment. It was like she knew what she was doing when she walked past, looking so absolutely breathtaking.
I don’t know what happened but I stood up and walked towards her. Nervous and still sweaty, I introduced myself and she started giggling at me. I told her she was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life and she laughed and said “I was corny and should stick to football”.
I would have left but I don’t know what kept me there. I felt this urge to just stay and keep going, which others may think is creepy but she told me she intended to say that.
That night, I went home and did research on how to court a woman. On the first date (which was, the first one I’ve ever been on) I got her a big bouquet of roses from my local florist and a box of chocolates. My friends thought it was super corny and too much but Throughout the dates I made sure I was always paying attention to her, making little notes about what she likes and doesn’t like so that I didn’t mess up. I learned a lot about her in those 2 months, man. I still remember how nervous I was when she kissed me for the first time, I remember my hands shaking and she held them to keep them stable.
Fast forward 6 years, we’re married now and I still genuinely get nervous around her when she gets close to me. I still buy her flowers every two weeks like clockwork when I see one on the countertop starts to wilt. I’ve worked double overtime to get tickets just to fly to see her in Hawai’i where she was doing law school. I love her so much. There’s nobody that compares to my wife. She’s so smart, and caring, and everything a man could ask for. I’m so glad I married such a hardworking, talented woman.
Over the years of us dating, our friends always thought I was too much. During college she used to go to a lot of parties. Which I didn’t mind. I never really liked big group functions and always stayed at my dorm and waited for her to get back so we could cuddle. If she wanted her space I would give it to her. She reassured me that I never made her feel like I was controlling her. My friends always made comments about how I was her “little lapdog” and that I was obsessed with her. Her friends always drunkenly teased me when I drove them back to the dorms after a frat party.
I was obsessed with her! I can openly admit that. But I still get teased to this day but I never cared. I loved my wife with all my atoms and I never once felt like I needed to tone it down. I guess I’m just a really affectionate guy when it comes to my wife. I can’t recall a time where she told me to stop being so clingy. She told me she loved it and hoped I never stopped.
Earlier this week we were cuddling and I was lying on her chest. I was kissing her chest and telling her how much I loved her. Usually she grabs my face and smiles but this time she sort of pushed me off. She never did that before. I asked her if I did something wrong and she said that “I was just overstimulating her and she just wanted some space.”
Okay. I apologized and sat up on the couch and she told me to go to another room. I was confused. But I went. I went back to building this Lego set I haven’t been able to finish as I was swamped with work and I heard her speaking to her friend on the phone. I remember her saying “I love him, but is it crazy to say that he loves me too much? Like, a sickening obsessive kind of love? We’ve been together 6 years and he still slobbers over me like a fucking baby. I need some toxicity in this life to spice things up!” and her and her friends started to laugh. She has made jokes about me being really clingy to her friends but it was never like this. I don’t know how to feel about her saying that. I don’t wanna be toxic to my wife. I love her. She doesn’t deserve that.
I don’t get it man. I know I’m a really affectionate guy and I feel very secure in this relationship but could I really be too much? She said she never felt like I was being too much and she loved it. What should I do?
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If she’s still the person who held your shaking hands when you were nervous she will listen. And if she listens, you two can grow together.
You should talk to her and tell her you overheard her conversation and ask her if she really wants you to be toxic with her or was she just having a moment where she felt you were too clingy towards her. It may have just been a moment in time for her. I’ve had those myself, where you have so much other stuff on your mind that any little thing just tosses you over the edge and you lash out. If she says that you are just too affectionate to her ask if she wants a divorce. Seriously, pose that question to her. She needs to understand the impact of her words (being in law school you would think she would know that already because when she’s in court she will need to use words that are impactful). If she says she doesn’t want a divorce then ask her what she does want and as you did while you were courting her, listen and then try to give her what she wants.
She probably has urges for a real man, you seem kind of like a simp.
Stop kissing her ass. That’s not what men do.
Sounds like you’re putting her on a pedestal a bit. It gives girls the ick.
>”I don’t know how to feel about her saying that.”
Yes you do. Feelings aren’t something we decide to have. They come upon us whether we want them or not.
I think your best move here is to talk to her about this. Tell her what you overheard and how that makes you feel. You don’t need to blame her or criticize her – just give her what it is like to live in your skin right now.
Ask her how she is feeling and try to understand her point of view. Once all of that is on the table the two of you can start to think about ways that you can each keep from hurting the other person.
You also might want to start some therapy to examine what is going on inside you. Are you getting your self esteem totally from her? Who are you aside from her? Is it easier for you to wrap yourself around her life than to navigate your own?
Take a deep breath. In the long term, this is a good thing. This is going to allow you to make adjustments in your relationship that will keep it going for a long time.
slow down a little bit lighten on the “I love you” talk if you feel like it’s safe ask, then ask what you can do to better yourself for her
Aww. She’s lucky to have you. I can almost guarantee that her friends that were laughing over the phone wish their partners were as kind, caring, loving, safe and thoughtful as you. This was a careless comment on her end – women can crave a little bit of drama at times, but no one wants the reality of a toxic relationship. (Are you two going on dates? I’d put priority on that – plan things that get the two of you to leave the house, activities that feel new and exciting.) Right now – I’d give her some space, maybe leave the house and to the store without telling her or something. Create some space/absence, and bring up at a quieter moment how what she said was incredibly hurtful. She needs to have room to feel bad about what she said. And the two of you need to communicate about this. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way right now.
You should talk to her, make things clear with her, if you want you can mention overhearing the call, but if you don’t wanna mention that, just ask her if it’s making her uncomfortable. If she says yes, respect that and just take a step back for some time, until she’s comfortable again. It’s all right, all couples go through little rough patches but they heal in some time. Don’t worry! You guys are definitely a strong couple I just know it, nothing can break you guys.
Yeah maybe back off a little bit for now. Just so she can feel a bit of space between you and her. Who knows she may miss the attention?
I think you’re doing the kind of things that some people, especially men, who end up being abandoned or cheated on do, which is putting their partner on a pedestal. Your marriage has already become monotonous and you do the same thing and do everything for her. He tells her directly that he loves her, buys flowers on time every two weeks and stays close to her and does everything for her. In short, she is being your sun instead of you being the sun of your life. Be a little selfish and focus a little on your life and your work and make things a little more sporadic and make them truly special. Go to the gym try to shape your confidence and have ambitions of your own.
congrats on the weight loss, he lost some weight
My fiancé is very similar to you! Soon as he gets home from work he wants to be all over me and in the past I would get overstimulated and to “communicate” that overstimulation I would unintentionally treat him as if he was annoying me and get very snappy with him. At one point I started to wonder if I still liked/loved him like I did before because I felt annoyed by him constantly. We had to have several long talks about it and I had to do my own inner work to figure out exactly what was going on. Now, when it’s been a long day I tell him while I’m at work or on my way home that way when he gets home he knows not to be all up my ass. You may have to change how and when you show your love to her and she needs to communicate what she wants and doesn’t want day by day. Also, have you ever asked what her love language is? Sometimes I don’t want a hug I want the dishes done and dinner cooked so that’s one less thing I have to worry about.
It was probably just a moment. If a woman has a lot of stuff in her head sometimes she just needs a little space. Easy could’ve just been a moment.
Talk about it though. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to have a conversation about it.