My husband (36) and i (37) have been married for 13 years together for 23 years. We are eachother everything. We have kids, dogs a home, a whole life. I am a very jelouse person and anytime he makes a new friend thats a girl i go a little overboard on him and i check his phone and stuff. So a girl just joined his friend group that he has a side project with they play live music in bars on the weekends. So I was looking to find something about this new in his phone and i know i shouldnt have checked. His secret folder is full of videos and photos of me. Well this time i see a video in there of my adoptive sister 30f changing in our bedroom. The camera is an outdoor camera we charge in our room then take it back outside well it happened to be on when she was changing. It only produces short clips maybe 30 seconds. The video was just the backside of her in her undergarments as if it were a bathingsuit so it didnt show anything. I think it recorded by accident as in we didn’t know it was on but charging, the fact he intentionally saved the video to the secret folder and admitted he “used it”. I asked him why? And that im disgusted and i feel hes a creep now and im in shock because we have daughters and he just took my sister’s privacy by saving that video. He apologized and said he doesnt know why he saved it and that it was just by impulse because he got curious because im the only woman hes ever seen without clothes and that hes never seen anyone else aside from me. I dont even know what to think or do about this. I dont know if its worth throwing away 23 years and breaking up our family over. I cant tell my sister because my whole adoptive family will find out and they already talk about me behind my back and treat me and my kids horrible. My husband, my kids and his little family are like all the family i have. Im a stay at home mom of 10 years i have nothing, no one and no where to even go. Its gut wrenching all the other post on this matter say to straight up leave and i love my family i love my husband i love my life and i dont feel that is a realistic approach to the situation. I told his mother and she ripped him a new one and said she never raised him to do such a thing and that it was wrong and why would he do something so stupid to ruin his beautiful family and that family is everything and she raised him to protect his family. He says he feels horrible, ashamed and embarrassed and got on his knees to beg for forgiveness in front of his mother. Said i promise i will gain your trust again please let me fix this i cant lose my family you guys are everything to me. So this is where we’re at. What would you do? Hes never cheated before but over the years i do see snapshots he saves of girls in his phone like selfies from instagram but other than this hes a great husband, provider and father hes very present always shows up and puts his family 1st. This is the 1st time something like this has happened that i know of in our 23 years and i know no one is perfect.
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You’re the only woman he has seen without clothes? I am so doubtful this guy has never watched porn.
What a weird lie.
Also extremely creepy.
He’s a creep! Run away while you can
This isn’t just about the video it’s about whether he’s willing to change his behavior. If he’s truly remorseful, he’ll do the work. If not, you deserve better.
You don’t have to decide today. Take time to process, but don’t sweep it under the rug. Trust your gut.
Yikes that’s a rough one. The saving it part (and using it) are rough. Maybe go see a marriage counselor or look into some couples therapy where you can both talk about it and move on. Ppl do dumb stuff all the time, and the subs full of ppl who preach run and file ASAP while who knows what is going on in their lives.
Overall though I do think its something you two need to work out together n don’t ignore
He sounds like a total creep.
You sound extremely insecure, maybe rightfully so.
Personally I couldn’t stay with someone I can’t trust at all, and I don’t blame you for not trusting him. Maybe your gut has been telling you all along that something isn’t right with this guy.
First of all, stop involving his mother in your marriage.
Second, you two need to attend counseling. He’s not being completely honest about why he saved the video.
I think you know deep down that he’s not trustworthy, that’s why you keep checking his phone. It sounds like you usually find things when you do check. How do you know he hasn’t cheated before? He obviously has a wandering eye.
Whatever you decide to do, I suggest you start working on yourself, get a job, maybe go to school, and stop being 100% dependent on a man who you can’t trust.
Why on Gods green earth would he admit to pleasuring himself while looking at a photo of your little sister. WTF is wrong with him?
umm this would already be enough to divorce if it was of a random girl …. but YOUR sister…. leave this man he is weird as hell. plus now u know when he’s with you and your sister he has weird thoughts that he acts on later
He violated your trust AND your sisters. He’s not a good man, he’s not a good husband. He’s an unsafe man to have around ANY other woman in your life.
I understand that you feel stuck and scared, but forgiving him gives him permission to do it again, and worse.
This is the kind of red flag that you can’t ignore. He’s not a safe man to expose to your friends, family, children, etc.
Just bc you have been with him for a long time doesn’t mean there’s not a better life waiting for you without a creep husband!
Your sister is the victim of a crime. Your husband is the perpetrator. She deserves the truth just as you would if this happened to you.
It sounds like if we zoom out a little bit he is a good dude in general and has been a good husband and father and isnt’ doing a lot of bad stuff like drinking and gambling and watching porn, he shows up for his family, etc….and he is remorseful about his actions. Honestly, looking at other chicks on instagram isn’t the end of the world. If your husband was really a creeper you would have a lot more than one incident to think about. So yes, this sucks, it is something you will have to work through to repair.
I am so, so sorry you’re having to even feel this distress and experience this situation. That’s a hard decision to make for all the reasons you listed above.
The fact of the matter is though, he got a temptation (which is kind of a red flag itself, recording her without her permission is a crime) and took it, which is no longer a grey area. He does not deserve his family, and by staying with him, he knows you won’t leave him even if you should. Good luck
Have a look at your own “ admitted jealousy “ first Then talk to him
I don’t wanna be harsh but I doubt this is the first time he’s done something creepy, just the first time he got caught. “Using it” is just awfully weird
He’s absolutely lying to you about not seeing other women naked. He is foul and has zero respect for you or your sister. You need to tell her so she knows to not trust your husband and not to come to your house. He intentionally broke trust and wants to have sex with your sister.
How are you supposed to trust any friends your kids have over if he is filming people without their consent?
I would not trust him with this new girlfriend if his either. He needs to quit that gig and go to couples therapy with you. You need to set firm boundaries and talk to a divorce lawyer to see what your options look like.
Updateme
He made a mistake and asked you for forgiveness, if that’s the worst thing that he has ever done, I would be careful not to over react. There’s only been one perfect man ever created and he’s not here on earth anymore
Was a time when a “gentleman” would avert his eyes (or delete the video the second he realized it was there) and never mention it in the name of preserving the lady’s honor. That your spouse did the opposite proves he’s no gentleman and if you believed he was, there’s probably a lot more about him you don’t know. It’s hard right now to tell truth from fiction coming from him, but here’s a clue: pay attention to what he does, not what he says. While I’m sure he’d never creep on his daughters, would he do the same charging camera trick on his daughter’s friends? Do you really want to wait around and find out? You think he’s a creep because he’s been acting like a creep. He’s showing you he’s a creep.
So the question is: can stay with someone you think is a creep? You should also ask him where he keeps his kinky videos of you. Oh, he doesn’t have any? But he does of your sister? That’s interesting. Does he think you’re not sexy enough to creep on, or is he just disinterested with you? There’s no good answer for him to that question. It’s not like he can say he’s refrained from creeping on you because “he’s a gentleman”. Wait, he does have videos of you that he made without your knowledge? Isn’t that still being a creep? (yes).
For added irony you should video the conversation because later he’s going to claim “I never said that” about whatever and you’ll have the receipts.