My girlfriend of 7 years just told me she’s been having an intense amount of hormones and her libido has been very high the past month. When this all started for her a month ago, she said she needed more time away from me and didn’t want to feel overwhelmed with me around her all the time. I chalked it up to being home all the time but now she’s telling me it was because she started feeling like this and she didn’t want to feel like this around me.
She said with these new feelings, she has a sense of wanting to explore herself sexually and she has been having these urges where sleeping with someone else sounds thrilling for her. We haven’t had the most active sex life for a couple years and that’s on both of us, i feel like. Then she dropped what exactly she wants.
She doesn’t just find the idea of sleeping with someone else thrilling, although that’s partially it, she has this fantasy where she want’s to dominate a guy. She wants to slap him around and be really rough with him. Basically “treat him like a piece of meat who she doesn’t care about”. She says she doesn’t feel like a sexual human and wants to get in touch with herself fully and know herself sexually and exactly what she wants. I asked why she wouldn’t want this with me and she said “because she respects me too much”. What does that even mean?? I’m at a loss for words on what that even means and i’ve been processing it in so many ways. I feel unwanted, emotionally detached but at the same time feel this intense feeling of not even looking at her the same way, like she’s a completely different person to me. She says she wants couple’s counseling but is not quite sure if she ever wants to explore that fantasy with me. She also said she feels really bad about feeling this way and doesn’t want to feel like this. Not sure where to go from here or if i even want/think couple’s counseling or sex counseling would help.
TLDR: Girlfriend has been having intense hormones/libido and wants to explore herself sexually as she doesn’t feel like she knows herself. This involves a fantasy of really dominating someone, and she doesn’t want to do that with me because she “respects me too much” to treat me that way
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I have to remind my wife every so often of the same thing. I am only fucking hookers because I respect her too much. Would she prefer I bring them into our home??????
Try not to be so insecure.
Run.
Gross! She wants to dominate another guy and screw him? I’d bail my man.
Is she willing to do couples counseling first, before she goes and discovers her new found sexual interest or does she want to do both at the same time. If counseling first, I’d say go for it if you love her and want this relationship to work out. Afterwards she might not want to do the other. If she wants to do both at the same time, then you have some decisions to make like would you be fine with her being with other men sexually. Although she could find men willing to be degraded, from what you wrote it sounds like she also wants to have sex with them, not just humiliate and dominate them.
Have you asked her if she would be fine if you went out and explored as well? If so, what was her response? If you haven’t, then ask her. Not that you might want to but more to judge her reaction. When people want to do something but not let their partner do something similar, that can tell you a lot about what they are thinking.
Good luck.
Point to the door and tell her she’s free to do it but never come back.
How have you been together?
How long have you been together?
She does not love you. Any woman who loves her man doesn’t want to “explore” leave her.
So what you’re describing right now is about kink. It’s really important to understand that a person’s kinks, and the desire to explore them, has nothing to do with that person’s feelings toward you. Domination and submission also don’t always necessarily have to do with sex, some people practice dom/sub (or D/s) dynamics with other consenting people and don’t have sex with those people at all.
Contrary to what others might say in the comments, it’s actually a very good thing that your girlfriend disclosed this to you. She respects you enough to be honest about her desires, and something like this is EXTREMELY vulnerable and difficult to tell a partner…especially when you’re pretty sure that partner isn’t into the same thing.
What you don’t want is for a partner to be lying or withholding these aspects of their personality. Now that she’s told you, you guys can move forward.
The desire to dominate, as a woman, can stem from a lot of very explainable and understandable social circumstances that set women up to feel powerless. She may indeed want to express herself this way in a dynamic that lets her experience the feeling of total power and control. She may feel that she wants this to be with someone else for a few reasons: it might be easier to project this ‘role’ toward a consenting person who wants to ‘accept’ the role of whatever person or idea she wishes she could/could have dominated and who would fully ‘buy in’ to the role she’s playing. And/or, maybe she’s embarrassed for you to see this side of her and feels like she wouldn’t be able to fully assume the role because you know her too well and might not take her seriously or feel differently about her. Or, as she mentioned, she might see you as someone she loves and respects so much that it’s hard for her to see you as someone to be dominated.
I don’t think you should jump straight to “she wants to cheat on me.” If that’s what she wanted, she’d do that. She’s doing the opposite. She’s trying to be honest while she figures herself out.
You absolutely should consult a sex/kink-positive couples counsellor for this. They will be able to better facilitate understanding between you so you can better understand her desires and where this is coming from. Once there’s mutual understanding and both of you trust that you have the other’s best interests at heart, you may be able to figure out a plan that you’re both on board with. There might be other ways to explore this side of her than the one you don’t want. Don’t jump to conclusions yet—if it’s been a solid 7 years, it’s worth investing a few months to see if there’s a way forward.
🚩
Your gf of 7 years either has or is about to cheat on you with another man. You’ve been together in a monogamous relationship for 7 years, and she drops this bomb on you. I promise you she has already been talking to the guy she wants to try her new found sexual urges on. A girlfriend who “respects you too much” would never have dreamed having this conversation with you.
Dominance without respect is just abuse. Your gf wants to abuse somebody.
Imo, sounds like she’s been internally harboring a lot of rage towards both you & mostly herself for forcing herself to continue a relationship with you, to the point that she’s now completely emotionally done with the relationship, but also hasn’t yet reached the point where she’s willing to give up the benefits & stability you provide.
Definitely me projecting my personal past onto the situation, but don’t discount it.
Wake up she want to have sex just not with you. He libido is high because she is thinking about him. He is already in the picture.
Huh??? 🙄🤔.. My man… I’m sorry to tell you this but you kind of have to let her go like for good. Having this fantasies is pretty normal especially for women but most of them fulfilled them before they entered a serious relationship or with that guy. But this is not ok, not healthy, we all have fantasies with other women(or men) but saying it out loud like that numerous times and wanting to do that with someone else and not you – now that’s a problem.. Don’t make the mistake of letting her fulfill this fantasies(cause yeah soon it will be plural and with different men) don’t even think about letting her do sexual stuff with other people, you will regret it. So you might have to break up with her and let her go on her own path but cut off any communication between you and her. Cause after she sleeps around with a bunch of people she might come back to you(and you having feelings for her you will be tempted to take her back) and want to start things over – and you shouldn’t do that like ever. Let her go for good.
Don’t accept something you don’t want just because you’re afraid to lose her otherwise. You’re gonna be miserable.
If she wants to explore and you want none of that, you know it’s the end of the road.
pick a safe word and try it out , not a big deal .
Just agree it’ll only be sex for both of you and it wouldn’t chaNge anything outside of it .
Tell her you’re interested too and you might like it who knows §
Infidelity (-ish?) aside, I don’t trust anyone who talks about kink like this as far as I can throw them. Someone who thinks domming someone is inherently disrespectful to them (and, as a corollary, disrespects anyone they dom) is a wildly unsafe dom who needs to do way more research before they engage in any kind of D/s.
She is trying to frame wanting to cheat on you as respecting you? Wow. I hope she stretched before that.
You can dump her so she can do whatever she wants.
The thing you have to wonder is if the tables were turned and you were feeling virile, and you declared you wanted sex and to dominate and control, physically abuse and focus only on your own desires, and that you couldn’t entertain the thought of doing this with your vanilla partner, you needed a strange woman to degrade… how do you think that would go down? Like a lead balloon!
Don’t be afraid of calling out her double standards. Don’t tie yourself to allowing her to degrade your relationship and manipulate you because of some deluded fantasy. She’s been honest about what she wants, don’t be afraid to be honest about what you want or don’t want.
I’ve seen this a lot in the different subs. Women will act a different way around the guy they want a long term relationship with vs maybe someone they had a fling with, a ONS or FWB. They will do sex acts with them they won’t do with their partner they want long term because they don’t want them to see them as anything but their princess or that they wouldn’t be wife material any more. Even some women that have cheated to try BDSM or whatever kink did so because they couldn’t bring themselves to do it with their partner. Of course the guys are always crushed when they find out and are constantly asking why would you do that with them but not me? And then the relationship goes into the tank.
Try counseling, but I have a feeling this could be the end of the road unless your cool with ENM.