I found out after, he’s been dating someone for 5 years. We hooked up multiple times and talked about hanging out and going out very seriously. I thought we would have a relationship and then I found out he’s been seeing her for 5 years. I feel so bad for her, and I have to work with him very often. I want to tell her because she shouldn’t be living in the dark, but I don’t want the conflict involved in telling her. If she wanted to ask me questions I’d be willing to answer but I don’t want him to bring it to work or for him to have conflict with me. I don’t know what to do. She needs to know. This is wrong and I don’t know how to tell her. I have to work with him so often and I’m in line for a huge promotion, I can’t afford the drama of him confronting me or bringing this to work.
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Just send her a Hey Girlie message, but if you add a little more details about your working relationship with him we might be able to help you more as your working situation is about to go downhill.
5 years. Most likely she ain’t gonna quit fuckin with him and they’re both gonna hate you. Mind the business that pays.
Please tell her. You likely aren’t the only person he’s cheated with. She needs to know to get tested. You should also talk to HR with the truth so he doesn’t mess with your job. Good luck to you
Updateme
And this kids is why you don’t shit where you eat.
I’ve racked my brains on ways to get you out of this bind but none of them help with the status quo at work not going down hill.
Unfortunately if you engage with this person routinely, short of changing jobs, there really isn’t an outcome that provides his gf closure and you a free pass.
If you’re brave enough Tell her anonymously with proof to protect her and yourself.
Stay professional at work; document any retaliation. She deserves the truth, but your safety and career come first.
How close is the promotion?
I’m always on team tell the SO, but I don’t think you need to risk your promotion for it.
If the promotion is close at hand, I’d tell her after you’ve been promoted.
I’d also start seeing there’s a way to get this guy away from your job. Find a new job he might like more and leave your work for. Or follow his faulty moral compass and let management find out he’s not someone they want around.
You should tell her, but there is no guarantee that the guy won’t find out it was you.
I don’t know what your work policy is on fraternization, but be aware of potential consequences if things blow up that you need to go to HR for help. If it’s causing a work problem, you both could be on the hook if the company doesn’t want to deal with it.
If he’s the type of person willing to cheat on a 5-year relationship he’s also likely the type of person that will be bringing the conflict into the workplace. Until you’re settled into the new position you’d be best to keep it all to yourself. Your management that’s considering your promotion might not see a good reason to promote a person that had a workplace sexual relationship, especially with a person soon to be a subordinate, since it may be construed as poor judgement.
If you have an evil streak, once you get your job make sure to hold an after-hours dinner event where spouses and significant others are encouraged to come. I wouldn’t, but from a 3rd party perspective it’d be interesting.
I completely understand your moral dilemma here. It sounds like there are a lot of things that could go wrong. Ask yourself does the cost outweigh the benefit? I understand the need to want to tell her, and also, this fact that you work with him closely and are at risk of him bringing this drama to work. Are you able to distance yourself? Will the promotion help with that? What does telling his gf help? Is it for her or for you? A mix of both? Think about that and what that really means
U should end it as u found out he is a cheat and will be cheating on u very soon
Why don’t you get a friend to tip the girlfriend off sorta anonymously, then hopefully the dude doesn’t take anything out on you (as long as the friend is discreet and he doesn’t identify the connection). Carry on as normal and just act suprised as his life implodes and not yours.
I think you’re allowed to take care of yourself first in this situation. Once you know that you won’t be causing yourself trouble in the workplace, then you can tell her.
That’s why it’s important not to have your toys where u work.
Look at it as a mistake and move on. Dont have anything to do with him outside of your working relationship. Don’t jeopardize you job.
Save yourself grief, stress and anxiety by just dropping the romantic part of the relationship with him. Who knows, his cheating may not be a surprise to her or maybe they have an open relationship which further means myob and just take care of yours.
The most important thing is to make sure you are fine. It’s awesome that you want to be a girls girl but first make sure your lively hood isn’t at risk first.
First off I would definitely talk to HR. There are lots of company’s that wouldn’t want someone working for them if they are unfaithful to their partners. John Delony has a podcast and whenever someone calls in about their partner being unfaithful with a workmate the first question he always asks, “are they still working there” and thats because if someone is willing to cheat on their partner they would most definitely be willing to cheat/steal from their employers.
Also, if you are in line for a promotion that would make you his boss, HR would definitely want to know that you two have a history. Better for it to come from you now before the promotion than for it to come out after. If it comes out after from another source they could decide to fire you for not disclosing it.
Once everything is squared away at work, I’m sure things will be much clearer and you’ll know how to move forward. If he gets fired then it is real easy and you reach out to the GF and if you have receipts show them to her. If they have been together for 5 years she’s going to have a harder time believing you over him. He’ll most likely gaslight and say you came on to him and he turned you down and now this is you trying to get back at him.
If he doesn’t get fired then you’ll have to decide the best way to move forward as you won’t want a hostile working environment.
All that said I have to say you sound like a good person who has morals and good on you for wanting to do the right thing.
Updateme
Don’t tell her. It is up to them how to deal with it. I personally wouldn’t want to hear this from someone my partner is cheating with.
You don’t feel bad for her, you feel you were fooled and stupid so you decided to retaliate and ruin his relation. You feeling bad for her is BS. You feel miserable and a piece of Sht about yourself. Don’t pretend you worry about her B
You don’t. You work with him. I dunno how you wouldn’t know he’s got a GF until after 5 times hooking up but nevertheless you don’t want to bring that shit into your workplace, even if you think you can do it anonymously.
I would do nothing. I certainly wouldnt keep hooking up, and would probably stop being friendly at work (still be professional). I would just distance myself from the whole situation, focus on your promotion and stay out of the drama. Their relationship will fall apart on its own, its not your responsibilty to speed that up. Let them live in ignorant bliss for as long as it will last
He certainly is not going to tell her. He knows he was wrong, you didn’t know he was into a relationship.
Do you have proof (chats) for her that are convincing?
Added: take into account that this might backfire on you professionally (your job). Have you taken those risks into account as well? If it doesn’t, then go ahead..
Updateme
If she deserves a lot, then what does that make you someone who settled for scraps by hooking up with him without even demanding a relationship? You dropped your worth the moment you said yes