Hi everyone,
I am really not sure how I got to this point but here we are. I have been in a long term relationship for 6 years. Things have been generally okay. We have similar interests in movies and TV shows. We also are similar in our political and moral beliefs which was a big deal for me since I had recently gotten out of another 6 years relationship where we were not aligned on that at all.
We live together, have 2 pets, and work in the same office. So basically our entire lives are together. I find her physically pretty attractive, so that’s not really the issue. The issue is that I have lost of lot of attraction due to the sex being really bad.
Now there are some things that I understand are out of her control. She often gets a lot of pain during sex. Actually, it happens every time. I am a bit on the larger side, but not THAT much larger. I’m 7 inches, which i know can be big for some, but it’s not like she is a tiny woman or anything. She also typically gets this black discharge during sex which can be off putting but I have learned to overlook it. She also never gets wet no matter how horny she says she is and we always have to use tons of lube. She has gone to the doctor about all this and they just shrug at it generally.
She is also just so so vanilla in bed. Like there is never anything interesting or kinky about sex. I am a very open person sexually and I kind of want to be crazy with sex. I used to think that this was a problem with me as she would kind of judge me for my level of kink. This has led to us rarely having sex. I thought maybe it had to do with the porn I watch which I have actively been trying to excise from my life bc recent research shows it is bad for your brain. But the more I think about it now, the more I realize that past sexual relationships I have had weren’t necessarily porny, but the sex was still a lot of fun and very satisfying.
She also can never “lock in” during sex. She is always cracking jokes, trying to be goofy, or making weird sounds whenever she is in pain or apologizing profusely (something she does in everyday life generally) I’ve communicated that I don’t like these things during sex but it has really never changed.
This culminated recently in our 6 year anniversary where I gave her a super sexy massage and then we did it. But about 3 minutes into sex, she starts making weird sounds, we have to stop several times, changing positions constantly until we find one she is okay in (typically missionary, my least favorite) and then even that typically has to stop. I then ask if we can just finish with a BJ, and it was horrible. I’ve noticed during sex she has no sense of taking care of the other person.
Like when I am in sex, I’m constantly thinking about the other person. What they like and catering to them. Like I love giving head because I like watching the other person get off. But she is never that way with me. It just feels so one-sided sometimes.
I don’t really want to break up bc of the pre mentioned reasons. So much of our life is shared. But sex is also important in relationships. Like, what am I supposed to do? Just suck it up and deal with the bad sex? Am I destined to be the bad guy here just bc she is not good in bed? I don’t think she will ever improve bc I’ve been trying to help her for the last 6 years and she just refuses to take any advice or try. She is very bad at taking any criticism in general. Sex tends to just be full of jokes or complaining and it is rarely ever “horny.” I want her to say sexy things to me, but it just never happens.
I’m starting therapy soon and I want to talk this over with them. I want to know if the problem is truly just me, or if maybe i should just “man up” and end the relationship regardless of how painful that might be. Any advice is helpful, thank you.
EDIT: I would also like to add that I never pressure her for sex. Number 1 that’s weird and creepy. And number 2, there is never really a need. I turn her down way more than she does to me. So please don’t get the impression that any stuff like that is happening here.
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She needs to go to more doctors. Pain during sex and black discharge is not normal and she could have something very serious going on.
Black discharge and pain during sex is not normal. She needs to go to an experienced gynecologist. There are a couple different conditions she could have. Once that gets addressed, she may have an increase in libido as well. If sex was painful for me, I certainly wouldn’t be wild about it.
black discharge???? something is wrong, she needs to go to the doctor again, unfortunately most do not listen, but one will.
Life is too short for boring sex, I would try communicating that this is an important thing to you. it doesnt necessarily have to be kinky sex, but an enthusiastic partner is the most attractive thing and goes a super long way.
Regardless, I hope she gets checked out again because those seem like concerning symptoms : (
Sex isn’t shallow it’s intimacy. If she dismisses your needs forever, you’re choosing a life of resentment. Don’t martyr yourself for sunk cost.
I think you’re focusing more on the pleasure you get during sex than the many obvious signs that she has something else going on here.
I’d be pretty hurt if my partner complained about me being too vanilla when he knows I’m in pain frequently during sex or having blood/discharge whenever we do it.
The issue isn’t that she’s bad in bed, it’s that she can’t enjoy herself due to pain. I’m sure it’s frustrating for her as well!
Have you encouraged her to press the doctors more for a clearer answer? Do you make it clear that you don’t want her to be in pain? are you making her feel safe and relaxed? I’m not saying it’s your fault, but if it’s already painful for her, it’s important she has a really supportive and gentle partner to navigate this with her
ETA id also encourage you to take some time and imagine her side of things. You say you feel things are one sided but she is dealing with pain and discomfort every time y’all have sex. You have to recognize that that is a huge sacrifice from her
Is she on birth control pills? The pill can absolutely tank your sex drive as a woman. If she is maybe you guys can switch to condoms? She should really see a doctor about the pain and bleeding during sex as this is a signal of an actual health issue that should be treated.
Do you help her around the house with the cooking and cleaning? Do you feel like the housework is split fairly? Do you support her emotionally? Is there enough non sexual touch like cuddling?
Many women lose the desire to have sex or please their men sexually because they do not feel like they have an equal supportive partner. Not sure if you already do this but making her have an orgasm with your hands or mouth before entering her is the best way for her to enjoy penetration without being in pain. If you’re not already doing this then she might dread having sex with you because it always hurts.
im genuinely concerned and she needs to see a gynecologist. maybe just hold off on the sex for now til they can figure out what’s going on
I have a history of vaginismus and other issues that make penetrative sex painful. My husband and I have found tons of work arounds. Our sex is also super kinky and fun. I dont blame her for not enjoying the various sex positions youre doing—she cant actually help that most likely. But that’s no excuse for cracking jokes during sex and not acting like a normal sexual person lol. Like it doesnt sound like youre asking for a lot.
I think communicating to her how seriously this is bothering you is the first step. It’s so serious, youre contemplating if it’s worth ending the relationship. If this continues, you very well might have to leave her.
Sure, she doesnt take criticism well. But if you dont learn to take your partner’s concerns seriously, you wont stay together. Period.
Tell her if things dont get better, you wont be able to stay in the relationship. Tell her youre trying your best, but you dont want to live like this. She needs to make an effort to figure out herself sexually. She needs to figure out what she likes, what shes into, etc. She needs to make it enjoyable for you.
Every couple can have these gigantic incompatibility problems. The only solution is to compromise and work together. Shes not taking this seriously. Make her take it seriously. Because you really will end up leaving her eventually if you guys dont figure it out. It’s important. It matters.
If you end up leaving her anyway, at least you can know you tried everything.
Also, again, this likely isnt on you. The fact that she is joking around and not connecting to like a sexual state of being shows she’s being weird and probably no one would enjoy having sex with her. It’s a pretty basic part of relationships to be able to connect sexually. She prob has her own issues stopping her, but shes had 6 years to work on this.
Seeing a sex therapist together could be hugely helpful if she ends up actually seriously wanting to work on it.
Black discharge suggests old blood to me. Absolutely need a doctor’s visit ASAP. As for the rest, it could be just that whatever going on with her medically (and there IS something) is preventing her from enjoying sex or feeling aroused. I would not end the relationship over this unless she absolutely refuses to seek medical help on what’s going on physically.
She has something serious going on. Black discharge and pain during sex is not normal at all. She needs to see a gynecologist who will take her problems serious.
she doesn’t seem like she’s enjoying it or getting too into it because she’s in pain. I’d recommend waiting to have sex until you guys figure out what’s going on with her vagina.
Also. TALK ABOUT IT!
I get this and it needs to be managed. She should have her hormones checked if she is not lubricating at all. The black discharge is likely old spotting blood, either from sex or a hormone issue. She may have some amount of tension/spasticity in the vaginal wall, whether physical or emotionally caused. I question if it’s a somatic response as what you’re describing with her being not locked in and goofy seems avoidant. Have you been able to have an open convo about this? Everyone wants to feel wanted and important during sex, you’re not really asking for anything crazy. Do you think there’s enough foreplay outside of the bedroom? Showing up for each other, flirting etc?
It sounds like she might be putting off sex/dismissing you/trying to keep it vanilla because of her pain. This isn’t normal. Go with her to her appointment and advocate for your side of the story. Unfortunately, many doctors see the partner as more knowledgeable or will more readily communicate with a man.
Doctor first. Then try sex later. I would hate sex if it was painful. It wouldn’t have anything to do to my partner.
Her making jokes is probably because she’s super uncomfortable or in pain. Some people crack jokes to diffuse an uncomfortable situation. You’re not necessarily the bad guy here for wanting better intimacy, but I think this issue has to be looked at past the intimacy. She definitely has some sort of terrible medical problem, and while you are (rightfully) frustrated by it, I think you need to think past yourself and realize she needs way more help with this than you or even she knows. Black discharge is not normal, literally ever. Also, when you’re in pain, it’s pretty hard to be in the mood to give someone oral.
That aside, a quick Google search of these symptoms (painful sex with black vaginal discharge) actually lines up with some pretty scary things, including endometriosis and literal cervical cancer. I’m sorry that your sex life is unfulfilling, but she needs to find a doctor that will listen to her and do some proper tests, and you need to help push her to continue looking for help. Be sure to frame it as concern for her, and not concern for your sex life. She may just think she’s disappointing you and thus just pushes through to try and make you happy, and that could be dangerous. Please make sure she gets help before leaving her over something that could possibly be fixed with the proper doctors.
I agree with everyone saying black discharge and pain aren’t normal and that she needs to go see a doctor, but it also sounds like you don’t have sexual intimacy anymore. If I’m being blunt, it sounds like trying to have sex with a friend. After 6 years, do you think you’ve moved on to be more friends than in a romantic relationship? If she laughs during sex and jokes around, and you aren’t really connecting. It sounds a bit awkward.
I really recommend you check out two sources that helped me a lot—so you can avoid some of the mistakes I made.
Maybe we can even watch it together sometime?
Also, just as a general tip:
Never push for sex.
It’s like when you’re drowning and you start moving your arms faster—it only makes things worse. Connection and desire can’t be forced.
Black discharge??? Dr… immediately. At this point, your need/want for good sex is irrelevant if you actually care about her. She needs to be seen. It’s probably uncomfortable and a burden for her but she’s just doing it to please you.
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Black discharge after sex? Either it’s an STI, old blood, or a crevice issues.
Watching porn? Yes you’re too old to be watching that. It ruins men’s brain and gives y’all the false expectations of how sex is.
If she’s making jokes or making weird sounds while she’s in pain..why are you going down on her still? She clearly apologizes profusely because she feels bad that her body can’t keep up with yours sex wise.
Her symptoms could be why she doesn’t enjoy sex like you do or doesn’t take it as seriously like you. Also honestly sit down with her and talk to her again about how you want to try new things and if she’s okay with it (after she gets all of her symptoms checked out and is cleared to have sex safely!!!) Even if it means going to a sex therapist then do so! The both of you!
Black discharge ?
Sounds like she’s leaking oil , check her sump plug
I think she has some issues.
I think a lot of people are missing the fact where you said that she doesn’t put a lot of interest in trying to do other things in the bedroom to compensate for the pain. She just doesn’t seem very interested. I think a lot of women would do whatever they could to make up for it other ways if they couldn’t have actual sex with their partner due to pain, you know what I mean. And viagra at 30 just so their feelings get spared is wild. You seem like you really love her and don’t want her to get hurt but you’re also kinda miserable at the same time. Seems like you are sacrificing your feelings for her and she isn’t really giving you a lot in return. I’m sorry. I think you need to have a real sit down heart to heart conversation and let her know how you’re feeling. Let her know how badly it’s starting to affect you. Let her know you’ve literally started taking medication for her feelings and stuff. She might not really understand the gravity of it, if you don’t tell her she won’t even know.
I definitely think she needs to see a doctor because that much pain and black discharge is most definitely not normal and she really could have a real medical reason that is causing this much pain for her. Like I promise you that is not normal.
Thoughts:
Tell her to go to a gynecologist regarding the pain, that isn’t normal
There is a possibility she was subject to some sort of sexual assault/violence and is genuinely uncomfortable regarding the subject, there could be a psychological barrier
She might be genuinely uncomfortable regarding sex in general. Personal beliefs, sexual experiences, upbringing and environment have a dramatic effect on an individuals preferences. Does she ever engage in solo activities, what happens when she does? If she doesn’t, why not?
Is it possible that your expectations are unreasonable? Hear me out: with the current state of hookup culture and content available on the Internet, sex and intimacy tend to be drifting further and further apart instead of getting closer and closer.
Example: If you are a young man, watching an adult film of a lady getting jack hammered, you might say to yourself, “this how sex is supposed to be.” Turns out that is totally the wrong way to think about it. What you and your partner prefer are totally unique to the individual, some people like getting treated as example above, some prefer it slow.
The key here is communication, if non verbal info isn’t clear enough, literally ask, “what exactly do you want and how can I get you there.”
Sex is very very complicated, there are a lot of moving parts. Open and honest communication tends to be a good place to start.