(31M) – (28F) – I am about to call off the wedding two months before it happens. Long Read

I am (31M) and my fiancée is (28F). We got engaged this February, and the wedding is supposed to be in two months. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Oh, that’s so soon,” as that’s what all our family and friends think, and it makes perfect sense, but that’s what my fiancée wanted. I, too, think that this is unbelievably soon, but I’ll explain.

I apologise in advance if my typing is confusing, but I am brainstorming while writing, and it took me about two weeks of overthinking to post here. I have typed and deleted this post about 12 times because I’d end up typing 8866 paragraphs.

I will describe us quickly so you have an idea. I will try to put both good and bad traits in my opinion; I don’t want to create a false perception of her or me. She is a pretty woman, quite successful work-wise, comes from a very religious background, has a close-knit family and friendship group, is very hard to please, too serious in my opinion, very judgmental with me or with anything she doesn’t agree with, cares too much about people’s views even though she denies it, blunt, rude, manipulative, has narcissistic traits, and the worst trait (which she’s not to blame for) is that she’s very spoiled—and I mean, very.

I am a different man than I used to be, which I hate. I used to be very confident, and I am not anymore, whether in my personal life, work, or the way I view my future. I love a laugh, I don’t go out drinking—my outing would be a coffee with my best friend. I don’t have other friends in this country, I love working (I’m a contractor, so I work for myself), used to be decisive, and that trait is gone, used to be more “manly,” and that’s gone too—or diminished. Last but not least, I love a feminine woman and taking care of my partner in any way I can.

We started dating a little over a year and a half ago, and we had great back-and-forth conversations prior to meeting, which was intriguing. I did find her attractive when we first met. I noticed a few behaviour patterns that were questionable but decided to ignore them (I know, stupid of me). One of them would be that you wouldn’t really describe her as a very feminine woman, which it is what it is, but knowing the reason now, I should have left ages ago.

I hate arguing, especially when the reason for the argument is not worth it, but we started arguing rather soon. Arguments started becoming more intense and personal from both sides. My whole day would be ruined in 10 minutes for a stupid reason, and I couldn’t fathom that I was choosing to stay. This started messing with me, big time.

Three months in, I said let’s call this off, it’s not fair for both parties to be in this, we are incompatible, and that’s okay—let’s not waste our time. She would say, “No, it’s a phase (it wasn’t), we’ll work it out, and let’s give it a chance.” Well, did I mention that I was stupid while describing myself? If not, I should, because I said, “Okay, let’s try.” This kept happening over and over, and the outcome would always be the same.

She had sexual experiences before but not any sort of penetration, and I was her first. That was one of the worst experiences ever, thinking about it now. She literally blamed me for bleeding and for the whole thing happening, even though I asked more than five times, “Are you sure?” because I did not want her to regret such a decision.

We are so incompatible. You couldn’t make this up—sex-wise (which is a massive deal for me), food-wise, family backgrounds, and even the way we view life overall. She started getting concerned about her age, so I got the “I need to be proposed by the end of the year, or I’m calling this off” type of thing. I knew that she wouldn’t, but the nagging in general was, and is, unbearable. The problem with this is that she informed her friends and family about it way before I confirmed the whole thing, so the pressure was a lot. We argued countless times before it.

I booked a trip for us, but I told her a day before, “Do not expect anything, just so you are aware, it’s not happening,” and I got a huge message showing me how upset she was and put the blame on me because everyone will laugh at her. The holiday was okay, surprisingly, except for one thing. We were alone, in an amazing flat, for 5 days, and there was zero intimacy—maybe a kiss. I find it very hard to believe that this is normal in any way, and I hope you would agree?

I hate the term “nagging,” but this has been my life lately. It kept happening after that holiday, and the pressure continued.

I’ve gone into detail for the most of our relationship but I just realised that it’s too long, and I am sorry for it. I could keep typing for months though.

The sexual part in this relationship is completely gone, not even kissing, maybe a ‘smooch’ and that’s that. A kiss on the forehead is our limit at this point and I am incredibly sexually frustrated, I can’t describe how much and she’s aware of it. I even said you might be asexual and she said well hmm, maybe I don’t know.

The final straw was a month ago, I busted up crying during an argument, and from her being incredibly dismissive and rude she said oh don’t cry, what’s going on and kept calling me. She then came over and begged me to stay. A week later if not less, she didn’t change at all. I can’t describe the crying, it wasn’t normal, think of hurt animal screaming in pain, because that’s what it was, I was in pain, talking to God, I was begging for help. I won’t go too much into this.

I did a few sessions with a psychologist and it wasn’t helpful, unfortunately. We only did 3 sessions, maybe I should give it more time but I was asking for his point of view and there would be some vague responses. I understand that he did not want to influence my decisions but I didn’t receive much help from it. I showed him a glimpse of my crying, on video, he teared up and did not say a word.

Money wise, I have spent so much, and keep spending. From today I am not going to put any more money into this. I can see her knowing how I feel, the way she talks to me and texts. I am positive that she does not want to go through this either but again, she’s the last from her friendship group that hasn’t been married. She also loves expensive stuff, like her ring, and if I don’t spend ”enough” on something she will question it and laugh at me.

I need to end things, I am depressed and I cannot stand her anymore or the person that I have become, I am full of shame and I blame me, not her, because I allowed her to do this to me. The psychologist would disagree there with me but hey.

Could someone that has been through this, give me an idea on how to end things, or what did you guys do? I know I can just leave but it doesn’t feel right.

I am sorry for the longest post ever, I am in such a bad place. Thank you for reading this.

TL;DR; No sex for months, disrespectful, emasculating me, crossing boundaries, judgemental, trying to control me when we are with other people. Why on earth am I doing this to myself, and why do I feel kind of bad to leave.