About 2 years ago, I (18M) was at my highest weight of 180kg. I went on a diet and lost about 30kg in the span of a few months, but that diet literally made me depressed so I stopped. I probably gained it all back if not short a few kg. I tried doing some exercises too, but I am far too fat to handle a 20 minute walk, let alone a full workout routine.
Today, my dad called me into his room to talk. He said he wants to take me to a family friend who is a renowned and very well known weight loss surgeon in my country, who’ll do my surgery with a big discount. Many people have said nothing but good things about his work. My dad said that this was “our” last choice since the diet didn’t really work, and I can’t exercise much. I told him that I really, really didn’t want to do it, but he’s basically saying, if not this, then what else? He wasn’t saying it in a mean way, and I know that he, and my family want me to “live a normal life” and I don’t blame them at all for that.
But the thing is, the very idea of weight loss surgeries freak me out. To have part of myself taken away almost needlessly makes my stomach turn. Besides that, I never saw myself as slim or fit, and I hate imagining myself that way. I’ve always seen myself as “big” and to me, that’s who I am and who I want to be. Sure, I want to lose enough weight to take me off of the morbidly obese status, to breathe normally when I sleep, and to not feel pain after walking around for a day, but I still want to have a little bigness, along with being healthy and strong.
Weight loss surgery can’t guarantee that. It would only slim me down.
My dad gave me some time to think and told me to ask my family for their opinion. I have a feeling they might be very biased though, so just in case, I’ll ask reddit too.
This whole situation make me feel like such a loser, and I can’t believe how much worry I’m bringing onto my family.
If you have any questions or need me to clarify anything, please ask freely. Thank you.
Comments
I don’t like the idea of you being coerced into a major surgery that would dramatically change your body—likely permanently—without your consent. I don’t think it’s fair for your family to pressure you into that if it’s not what you want. And it sounds like it’s not what you want.
That said, you mention that you do want to lose weight, and that you want to be big and strong. When you imagine your ideal future, what do you see? What do you look like? And working backwards from that, what steps do you need to take to get there?
I think with big goals, sometimes people make the mistake of being too ambitious up front, and it makes them discouraged too easily. You mention that your diet depressed you. Was it too extreme too quickly? You mention that a 20 minute workout would be too much—what about a 10 minute one? Is there a way to begin your journey that makes the process itself feel good? Is there a kind of exercise that you do like, that you could do in moderation? Maybe you start with a goal of one smaller dietary change and three walks a week. Maybe a friend would be willing to come with you to hold you accountable. Or if your dad is willing to help with surgery, would he be willing to help in other ways? Maybe helping you get a trainer, who can ease you into a program that works for you? I wonder if the key is to begin small, and focus on activities and changes that are sustainable and enjoyable on some level, and build on that progress.
Regardless of how you choose to proceed, your body, your choice.
Weight loss surgery would only be a temporary solution for you. As you said, you went on a diet and lost a lot of weight, but you just stopped eating healthy and gained it all back.
The same thing will happen if you have weight loss surgery. You will be physically, unable to eat too much for a short time and you will lose weight. But over time, you will just stretch your stomach back out and you’ll be back in the same boat.
It’s not healthy to be overweight, but if you don’t want to change that, there isn’t anything on this planet that will make you do it.
Anything you do be will be short-term. Including weight loss medication’s on the market now. They reduce your hunger, and they slow the emptying of your stomach so you eat less. But you’d have to stay on them for the rest of your life because as soon as you go off them, you gain it all back because you’d start over eating again.
Real and lasting weight loss has to come from the desire and commitment from you yourself. Your family and yourself know that your weight is not healthy and they are worried about you, understandably. But they can’t make you get healthy if you’re not willing to make the changes that it requires and it definitely sounds like you are not. So give them grace because they are worried about you, but I wouldn’t have the surgery.
You don’t have to get surgery if you don’t want to, but it might not be a bad thing to go for a consult to learn more about it. You seem to have some misconceptions.
For example, gastric surgery doesn’t involve removing anything. There are different surgical options. The most extreme one is stitching your stomach smaller. A less extreme form is to put in an adjustable band around your stomach to control the amount you can eat at one time.
These surgeries rarely make people thin, but do help with weight loss. So you would likely still be heavy or fat, just less so.
One side effect of the surgeries that some people face is, they used to overeat to deal with their emotions, and after surgery sometimes they take up other coping mechanisms like alcohol or drugs.
Often, obesity like you’re experiencing is an eating disorder where someone uses food as a coping mechanism. There’s often some sort of abuse or trauma behind it.
I would highly recommend getting some therapy to address your food issues, before you do something like a surgery.
I mean…weight loss surgery would make it easier to exercise and get to a healthier weight, since you’ve stated your excess weight makes it hard to exercise. It doesn’t mean you’ll be skinny tho. I know a woman who got weight loss surgery and is still almost as heavy as before. So this would just be a way to make it significantly easier to only be a bit heavy rather than morbidly obese.
However, you have the right to not want a surgery. But if you want to keep living, you will need to exercise (yes for your weight that will mean starting small), and-more importantly for weight loss-change your diet. Often extreme obesity can come from mental health issues, so you may want to work with a professional for that. I find that signing up for something that you go to, like a multi-weekly gym session, can be significantly better than relying on self-motivation.
I wonder what your diet was like. I find a lot of people seem to think “healthy” is lettuce and chicken. Frankly, that’s the most boring shit I’ve ever heard of. But there are SO MANY very flavorful recipes that’s healthy. I think Indian vegetarian recipes could be a good place to look, but there’s really so many options. If you want, I could do some digging to find some options for you, tho like I said maybe it’s just that you don’t like any of those sorts of recipes.
It seems like you were able to keep to the diet, but simply stopped because you made a decision to, not out of a lack of willpower exactly. Still, as a general principle I would recommend finding someone to keep you accountable, be it a family, trainer, weight loss coach, a online or offline community focused on health and getting healthier, etc.
So, while a surgery would be helpful, and doesn’t mean you’d become skinny, you don’t have to do it. But you do need to commit.
Edit: I had to remove to “test” because I couldn’t comment forever 😅
Please do not let your family emotionally coerce or manipulate you to get surgery
Weight loss surgery does not work unless you put and maintain effort with a regimen of diet and exercise.
If you feel unsafe, even from your immediate family, consider talking to a relative you trust or friends to stay with. It is OK to say no to surgery – do not let them force you. If they try, call the police on them if they won’t listen to you (these are more “extremes” but know your rights!)
Tell them instead of focusing on a quick trick to lose weight, let you figure it out or get help in a HEALTHY way. Surgery is not the answer as first go.
Get checked for depression, thyroid, or metabolic issues that can be a factor in issues with weight gain and keeping weight up. Try to find a routine easing into exercise that you ENJOY and can stick with
(For example, I’m postpartum with my second kid. I’m just now, a year later getting back into exercise. 10 minutes a day is what I tell myself each day. Let me devote and give 10 minutes of my time to myself and to an exercise video which for me is beginner yoga. I’m on day 3 but my flexibility already feels improved – it’s no where near a big “achievement” to most, but I’m proud of myself for starting)
You are young and do weight a lot and I’m not saying that to be mean. You are definitely overweight, but idk how tall you are and that can play a portion to an extent. There are plenty of people with SUCCESSFUL weight loss journeys and you can be successful too! (And even with such big weight loss some do surgery for the excess skin but they wait until they’re at a healthy weight and where they feel comfortable with their body)
Please don’t let your family pressure you into surgery when you should work on getting help in other avenues first.
You should do it. Your concerns will be fixed by exercising. What are you saying it’s like refusing a new kidney because the hospital could fall apart if there’s a fire. Makes no sense.
There’s a lot of risks to surgery. Everything from something going wrong and you do not survive to it not working at all.
It’s your body. It is your life. It’s your decision.
Dunno where in the world you are but medication can work. Yes it’s expensive but if your family can afford serious surgery maybe they can afford medication to reduce your weight slowly and in a safer way? And you can stop when you are ready, not thin necessarily, but comfortable and healthy for you.
Have you tried ozempic? I would do that before surgery.
Weight loss surgery is usually just making your stomach smaller so you eat less. When you go in you aren’t going to magically just come out a slim fit man. I really believe you should do it to jumpstart your weight loss journey. Cause I feel your family is on to something, if not now, then are you EVER going to try and lose the weight again?
Staying this heavy is going to kill you someday, to be blunt. You will not live the normal lifespan you would if you were a lighter weight. You better start soon or else you will regret it. Take this opportunity to at least talk with some professionals about it.
You need to lose weight. There are ways and you will not feel depressed nor deprived.
You need to start yesterday. There is not one day to lose.
Give yourself one month.
Place a goal of 4 kg a month but better to do it weekly.
0.7 kg weekly.
2 years you will be healthy and life will be superb.
Start exercising 20 minutes a day even if it is just moving your arms.
The month that you will not lose weight, look into the surgery.
Check out Dr Ekberg’s website in Atlanta.
My friend did his program over the phone it cost very little money and she lost 40 kg in 5 months. NEVER felt hungry. Was eating a lot of food and it was great. Did not gain the weight back and it’s been 4 years.
Please, start now.
It seems to me like your family wants you to be healthy and staying this fat is dangerous. It probably worries them. I mean , if you can’t even walk……
I know you’re only 18 and it’s difficult to imagine being older. But just think, if you try the band around your stomach, and that’s removable, you could get your weight down by eating less food. And, food that you like, too. You will do wonders for your health, and those bands can be tightened or loosened at your request. Being a person that just lost 80lbs by taking the once a week shot, I move and feel so much better that it’s unbelievable. I got diabetes from gaining all that weight. Now the diabetes is in check. Maybe a shot once a week could help you. And, you can control how quickly you lose, also. It’s so easy to do. You could still take the shot, get to a healthier weight, and ease up on the dosage. I’m just concerned as a nurse about your health. At 18, your joints are still in great shape, but as the years go on, the pain could be excruciating for you. And living with chronic pain is a nightmare. Im only trying to help you feel better like im sure your dad is. You dont have to be all scrawny and skinny. You can control it, too. Just think about it, and I wish you the best of luck!!
If you don’t want surgery you’re going to have to use self control to keep dieting and exercise. Like your parents said, if not this then what else? You are going down a dark path and may not live long at this weight. Put the work in, 2 years from now you’ll have a chance for another 20 years of life. I believe you don’t need surgery as well, but prepare the work is going to be tough. But what is tougher is the hospital visits that await you in the near future. If you truly aren’t going to put the work in, maybe you need the surgery if your health is deteriorating it’s only going to accelerate. But healing can accelerate too when you work hard. Wishing you the best!
A major surgery like this should be your choice. Mine was. I don’t regret mine, but it’s a lot of serious work and dedication to follow through on it. Maybe there’s an underlying condition like thyroid issues in play? Don’t feel like a loser though you can definitely have some things checked first to make sure you don’t need medication first, and maybe a nutritionist if you haven’t seen one already. For me it was a last resort and I went on keto for years before doing this. It was because I had a hernia repair that failed and if I didn’t lost weight it would come back. I’ve lost 80 pounds and it definitely helped get me off morbid status, but it’s a life time commitment.
Have you tried Noom ? It’s therapy along with weight loss. Ask him to let you try that 1st….if he pays of course.
With that being said….I tried “The 3 hour Diet” you eat a small amount of food within 1 hour of waking up. Then you eat a small amount of food every 3 hours. An your last meal is 3 hours before bed time. I went from eating these huge meals to eating kid size meals an I’m good with it. I went from 280 to 190. It’s been several years and I’m still 190. Walking & stretching helps too. I went 2 time to do the weight loss surgery. I chickened out each time.
Sounds to me you need a life style change not surgery. When I started my weight loss journey almost 20 years ago I failed many times because I was viewing as a “diet” and restricting foods that’s were “bad”. Truthfully all you need are lean proteins, some carbs and fats (not sugars) and get movement in. curl some soup cans, walk for 5 minutes just burn more then you consume for weight loss. 1:1 for maintenance. You can be “big” and healthy, it doesn’t have to be about getting “skinny”.
Hope you can find some peace with this situation! You deserve to be healthy! Many blessings in your journey friend!
I feel for you! I was hounded by my parents for years about my weight and that never helped.
Talk to the doctor and tell him your concerns. Ask for more time to work on a lifestyle plan that will allow you to safely lose weight without surgery.
My tips: write down absolutely everything that you eat and drink, everyday. Be very honest and diligent about this. You can eat whatever but you must write it down. (Log it in your phone or whatever.)
That’s a tool from Weight Watchers. It makes you very aware of what you are eating, and I found I’d decide not to eat something to avoid needing to log it.
Next: get a pedal exerciser. Like the pedals of a bicycle but connected to a stable base. Get it and use it!
As you lose weight, you can start adding in other exercises.
Good luck! I wish you all the best!
No one can force you to have surgery. Why not talk to your parents and get a trainer and a nutritionist to make a tailored program for you that is more sustainable for you and safe also. Seeing a doctor too qlso to check of there are other medical condition too.
If your mindset doesn’t change toward a healthier lifestyle, weight loss surgery is a waste of time. My brother had bypass surgery about 9 years ago. Today, he is twice the size he was all prior to surgery. I suggest seeing a nutritionist first, then IF YOU WANT TO, get the surgery. Do not let anyone bully you into anything. It’s your body. Also, since you have mobility issues, try YouTube for chair exercises and there are several pages on Facebook/IG for different fitness ideas. If you’re interested, I can research and send you a few. Just respond to this.
Whatever YOU decide for YOU, just understand this.
At 180kg, you WILL die young. But likely only after protracted illnesses that make your quality of life absolutely nonexistent.
Don’t let anyone talk you into doing something. More importantly, don’t let you talk yourself into doing nothing about weight. This whole, “I see myself heavy” and you couldn’t stick with a diet screams food addiction.
If you do a surgical intervention, do it because you want to save your life and improve the quality of it.
I have had WLS and would highly advise anyone to avoid that road at all costs.
I would look into GLP medication if I were you. I’m down 120 pounds, feel great, and didn’t diet at all.
What about the various GLP-1 type of drugs?
The one thing that stuck out to me is that dieting made you depressed. Did dieting actually make you depressed or are you already depressed and your main coping mechanism (food) was taken away? I think given your age and that you’ve only seriously tried changing your diet once, it shouldn’t be taken off the table as an option to try again in a different healthier way. Losing 30k in a few months makes me think you were crash dieting. Has your family explored hiring a nutritionist or therapist to help you learn how to change your relationship with food and establish healthier habits? It would likely be cheaper than surgery, less invasive and painful and would give you tools that empower you.