Hello there! I need some advice because of my situation. Seven years ago, my husband passed away, I remember being absolutely heartbroken, but I knew I had to take care of our daughter, Millie. She was young at the time and I knew she’s gonna take this roughly. Over the next 5 years I spent 12 hours everyday working, before this, I was a stay at home mom, with no school. Which I now realize was stupid. I worked all part time jobs possible to pay our debts and my daughter’s school loans. Two years ago, I had to get my right leg amputated from knee down because of a medical issue. I asked my daughter if she could maybe try taking a part time job. She didn’t have one until then, but I didn’t pressure her since I knew school must already be hard. But to my surprise she actually took a part time job, and made almost 10K to help me with my medical bills. But sadly, she got influenced by the wrong crowd and spent all of it on alcohol and other substances. I wasn’t mad, just worried about the bills because I was hoping for this help. I tried to help her out and now she thankfully doesn’t have any substance problems anymore. Timeskip to now, two years later, I’m already kinda moving on I got a more stable job and pay all Millie’s bills, I hope one day she will go to college, get some good job and maybe help me out, but for now I’m just glad she’s happy. She herself has a boyfriend. And I recently started realizing how lonely I actually am, I feel jealous of any couple walking by. I knew I had to talk to Mill about this first, maybe she wouldn’t like the idea of me dating since she probably only imagines me with her dad. I hoped she will be able to respect my decision, since i’m kinda having a liking in someone I know. When I brought it up, she said I shouldn’t date anyone yet, because she doesn’t think I’m stable enough and that I can’t come crying to her if anything goes wrong. Now i’m kinda confused and not sure what to do. I don’t want to cause any problems between my daughter and me, and maybe she is right and I’m not stable enough. But I am just really touch starved and didn’t have any time for myself in a long time now. I can’t help but feel like I don’t deserve to feel loved again since I already experienced love in my life. Any advice?
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She is a grown adult. She can leave if she doesn’t agree that you start dating again. That said, maybe her input as to who you date would be quite important. An extra pair of eyes never hurt.
You don’t need your daughter’s permission to date somebody. It sounds more like she’s worried about whether you’d be getting into a relationship for the right reason. Or she’s just being a teenager.
Either way , we shouldn’t be thinking about whether or not your daughter approves, but more whether you find somebody who you’re dating for for the right reasons.
Live your life you only get one.
Yes it is. But it’ll be a challenge for you both in different ways. Take it slow. Hoping you find a new life companion!
It’s not up to your daughter whether you date or not.
You know the answer. What you need is the strength to live your life on your terms.
You’re allowed to find love again. Don’t feel guilty. Your daughter is now an adult and may need therapy, but her emotional issues should t prevent you from trying to find love again
Yeah, everyone gotta move on… you dating again is for your own good, why let someone else decide for you? It’s been 7 years…
Your daughter isn’t mature enough to give you that kind of advice. You dont need her permission.
Question: do you lean on your daughter for emotional support a lot? Do you have other friends around your age? Based on your daughter’s response it seems like you may have a tendency to share your adult grievances with your daughter a lot and she’s maybe bearing the shoulder a lot for what a normal teenager might need to know.
It is okay and in fact a healthy example to show your daughter. She gets to enjoy companionship with her boyfriend, you can enjoy the same. At 18, she is an adult begin treating her like one, don’t ask her, tell her kindly the way things are now. You need to focus on your happiness as well. If she’s mature, she may not like it but will respect it. Good luck to you, it sounds like you have being through an awful lot, time for some light fun & exploration.
Of course you can!
You’re not saying you’re sleeping around 🤦🏼♀️ you’re just meeting up with people, getting potential new friends, might find one you click with… it will be nice for you!
I understand your daughter’s caution, obviously you know to heed/follow all the safety advice, but other than that get out there & live a little
I would just think about her comment about being stable enough. Does it have merit? Once you have addressed it I would talk to your daughter again. Explain how you are not looking to replace her father, but rather find a companion.
Aww sweetie, that’s so hard. I remember being a young girl and not wanting my dad to date bc it made me so angry to think of him finding a girlfriend. Once I got to be a teenager and started my own relationships, I realized the important thing was that my dad was happy and not lonely. The jealous feeling of wanting all my dads time to go to hanging out with ME went away completely. He’s now had a partner for over 10 years and I’m so, so happy she’s in my dad’s life and in our family. Little me was just jealous, which is understandable and was valid, but honestly it wore off pretty quickly once I thought about his happiness and not just myself (something teens are only barely learning to do, so give it time). Your daughter may have big feelings about it, but there’s nothing wrong with dating. Just don’t introduce her to anyone until it’s quite serious and been months imo, if you can. It helps if random dates aren’t coming in and out all the time while you try to find your person. Hang in there OP!
She’s an adult now so I think it’s more than fair you start dating again. She now has the choice of leaving the house if she disagrees with your choices. Not every child is okay with their parents to start dating again but you’ve given it a lot of time and ensured your daughter is grown up before you’ve even thought about it. Go ahead and date, you deserve to be happy
Its nice to have a companion in life.
Yes, she is an adult now and she is going to have feelings about it no matter what, but she has to learn to deal with them. You waited until she was 18 -I applaud you for doing that. But she is 18 now. She doesn’t need you full time anymore, you have been a wonderful parent and will continue to do so but you can now start some doing things for yourself.
She’s being mean, and she cannot control your future. She’s so young, and a little immature, so of course she can’t put herself in your shoes. Go on your dates, and live your life! If she really hates it, maybe it’ll motivate her to go to school and move out
The early ppl saying an 18 year old is an adult and thus can move out…idk just sounds out of touch with reality. And cold.
If you feel ready to date then you should do so. You don’t need Millie’s permission. She’s an adult now. She shouldn’t expect you to be living your life for her anymore. You get to live for you now.
You know it’s never too late for you to go back to school and earn a degree. At 18, Millie should be paying her bills.
It’s a date we’re talking about here, not a wedding. Going on a date isn’t immediately signing up for a lifetime contract.
It’s just a date, it’s a trial period, not just about who you’re seeing but whether dating, at all, is right for you. Take your time. Go at your own pace.
You have a lot to relearn about dating, about yourself & dating, about how to date today. Be kind to yourself. Your daughter can have an opinion but you have a right to the life you want, as well.
It’s been seven years. You’re an adult, and so is she. You don’t need her permission to date and there’s nothing wrong with moving on almost a decade later.
Hi, I’m also a widow as of 10/9/2013. Even if your daughter is against it, you deserve to find happiness. It’s not easy but don’t doubt that you deserve to have companionship and love even after the death of your husband.
I’ve been in your daughters shoes exactly, my dad died when i was 11, though by the time I was 18 i was way over my moms dating habits. I was far more worried about my own life
But when I was 14, i reacted the same way. Hated my mom for the idea. I was worried she was trying to replace my dad. Now I love the man she wound up finding, but i made it a real hassle for everyone involved at the start of their relationship.
Do what makes you happy, and make her fall in line and get used to it. Don’t let her control your life and make you miserable for her own selfish reasons.
The way you describe the scenario makes me think your daughter is genuinely concerned about you, rather than upset about you dating someone else. I wouldn’t so casually dismiss her calling you out on that, kids are usually perceptive of that. Especially because she mentions that you aren’t ready yet.
Maybe take things slow? Your self doubt makes me think your daughter might have a point. That doesn’t mean that you cannot date yet, but maybe don’t rush into something serious immediately?
You made a very noble decision to hold off on dating until your daughter was grown and you worked through grief. But she is now an adult and you are still young. Saying this gently, but if she is not going to college or in some type of technical program, then you should no longer be paying her bills. She needs to grow up and accept responsibility for her life.
Wade into the dating pool whatever that is like now. I cannot give advice on that. But perhaps try some volunteer work, join groups related to your interests or church, and chances are good you will meet someone with similar interests or values. Take it slow.
it seems you lean on her emotionally, she wouldn’t say you cant come crying to me if you hadn’t come crying to her in the past and put emotional weight on her, just live your life and don’t even talk to her about it, if she mentions it say you said you didnt want to hear about it.
OP you deserve to live your life. Stop asking your daughter for permission.
I think it’s just a typo, but assuming “Amy” is the same person as “Millie,” you… really didn’t need to seek her opinion before making a decision about whether you want to start looking into dating again.
As a widow myself (but with no children), I completely understand the complexity of being widowed at a young age, and sorting through the feelings of betrayal, of loneliness, of sadness and anger and jealousy… all in the attempt at trying to decide how and when to move forward with “getting back out there,” so please know I’m not at all attempting to discount the weight of that.
It is interesting to me that you included so much information about the deep sacrifices you made for Millie, and how she sadly didn’t seem to reciprocate that love and help when you needed it… it feels like you may be using that as a justification to feel like you should get to date regardless of her opinion because of all of that sacrifice.
But the thing is… even if you sacrificed nothing, if Millie were a perfect child, if everything was golden… you still wouldn’t need to justify wanting to look for companionship/start dating again. And you still wouldn’t need her permission.
It’s very unfortunate that she responded the way that she did, but, as difficult as it may be, please disregard her comments and attitude.
You focused on providing for Millie after a tragedy—you put her first and made sure to provide for and raise her. She doesn’t get to manage your romantic life simply because your late-husband was also her father.
You only have one life—please let yourself be believe that you have every right to seek happiness, even if your daughter is opposing it.
Her feelings are hers to work through, hopefully with a mental health professional, but they certainly shouldn’t be used to manipulate your behavior.
Wishing you the best, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
Is your daughter Millie or Amy? Either way, you deserve to be happy. It’s selfish of her to make you feel bad for that.
As someone else said, I believe your daughter may need therapy or a grief counselor of some sort. It sounds like she still has a hard time processing his passing, which is understandable losing someone that close to you. But she has to understand that a part of you will always love your late husband, but also that no one wants to be alone forever. She is an adult now and will be moving out soon I assume, so I can’t imagine she wants you to be home alone all the time.
Try explaining to her that you aren’t replacing him (as how she is probably feeling right now), and you will always love him, but you just don’t want to spend the rest of your life alone and in mourning. And offer to help her find a therapist if she is having a hard time processing his passing after this long.
Is it Milly or Amy???? ( but I knew I had to take care of our daughter, Millie. ) (. I knew I had to talk to Amy about this first,).
You are the boss of your life. Do not let your daughter or anyone else tell you what to do.
OP you are not her friend, you are the parent. She has no say what you do or who you see. She is grown enough to make her own decisions (ie bad choices like drugs, wrong crowd) but doesn’t have a say in yours. Use this time to find a partner you can share the rest of your life with and care for.
What are you gonna do; wait until she’s 30 and scolding you for putting your life on hold?!
Personally, I’m thinking you need to cultivate some hobbies and a friend group before dating if she is already warning off being your emotional support through your relationships. Get to know yourself again. Then let love find you.
The legacy that somebody leaves behind in your life when they are incredible, is one where they raised your standards through what they showed you life could be like with them.
As long as you keep remembering that they were the ones that raised your standard, you will have the appropriate appreciation for them being who they were. In your case it could be as long as you keep remembering that he was the one that showed you a number of the ways that life could be appreciated and enjoyed in ways that you didn’t even know.
The very act of missing a person, is proof the brain is trying to find a replacement because of just how important that person became. Your brain is literally creating an aversive emotion to forge a deeper aversion to depriving yourself of what you miss all about that.
All of that is to mess with your brain’s tolerance, it’s to bother you enough to want something different. It’s just like to get bothered enough to want to sleep or you get bothered enough to want to eat. it’s just a form of being bothered enough to find a new partner.
And your daughter really needs to have a good understanding of what the relationship does for a person in life. if she thinks that somebody can live off of memories, and that the memories of loving care will sustain, she’s not going to be great in a relationship either. Because it means that she doesn’t understand how important upkeep is. it means she underestimates human needs and she is likely to underestimate a future partner’s human needs and how much a relationship is about constant giving and receiving.
I would say that your daughter simply wants her father to have been appreciated enough. But I mean if you understand what the brain is doing you cannot say that the desire to have someone new is a lack of appreciation.
Also your daughter needs to have a realistic understanding of marriage. Marriage is about a mutual quality and mutual restoration and that’s where the appreciation comes from.
Ok I’ll give more info than I should I have a family member close with the same health issue and I feel really sorry for your situation I know u are a strong person and u deserve much more better than the situation that the life put u through. I think that the problem with your kid and the substances and alcohol is just something extra, we sometimes need help but I think u should have let her recover little by little by herself I hope that your daughter is ok for real because those problems are pretty bad and I think u have to start to working on yourself. If she is living with u then just like a roommate share the bills at least if u are having troubles with it ” nothing is free in this life” and finally I think she’s kind of right she’s being mean saying it but the right words are “work on yourself” u deserve nice things and if u aren’t confident probably bad people can take advantage of that. Now that your daughter is an adult take sometime fo you and don’t let anyone crush your dreams but also don’t be “Icarus”. Sorry if something is bad written it’s been a long time since I wrote this much in English
Your daughter is an adult and it’s been 7 years. I doubt your late husband would want you to be alone because guess what… Your daughter will eventually have a family of her own and you’ll be left by yourself.
My dad got remarried at 61 when I was 20, go live your life
Just yes. It is your life and you have to live it.
She’s 18 & you’re paying her bills? If I understand it right, it sounds like she doesn’t want you to have a partner, because her living off of you, would probably come to an end. I would tell her it’s time to either get a job & split all bills 50/50, or go to school. Or there’s always the option of getting out & supporting herself. She’s grown now, and should act like it. I admit I haven’t read all of the comments, so if I missed something, forgive me.
Who is the parent in this situation? You grieved the right amount of time for you. Your child is now an adult. You don’t need her permission. Date as much as you want. Don’t bring anyone around unless it’s serious.
My daughter didn’t approve either. Bad luck. One life to live. She had been living out of home for 4+ years. 🤔
Yes, go out and date all you want!!! It’s your life!!!!! She will get over it. She needs to start worrying about her own life.
You’re an adult, she’s an adult. She can say “I don’t think you’re stable enough” and you can say “well me coming to you was a curtesy, not asking for permission.” You’re her mother and sure it may affect her whoever you date, but considering you still pay for everything, she doesn’t get even remotely a say in what you do.
Yeah, we get over it after a while.
It’s just a really hard transition. For me it wasn’t about Dad being “replaced”, it was just another level of him being gone made real. That’s hard. And it’s really weird seeing your mom date.
Just don’t talk to her about your dating problems. Even if she insists on it, keep a boundary there. My mom tried really hard for us to be best friends in the sense of her telling me about her dating woes and wanting me to meet her boyfriends. I put a boundary for myself that I didn’t want to meet them until 3 months in of them dating, and she violated that boundary and surprised me with an introduction a couple times. These combined changed our relationship and dynamic in a way I wish it hadn’t.