TL;DR: buying a house without my boyfriend right or wrong?
Hi Reddit. I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 30. We’ve been together for almost 3 years but we don’t live together, aren’t married, and don’t have kids. I’ve been working really hard toward a lifelong goal: buying my own home. I’m finally in a position to do that using a USDA loan, but most of the homes I can afford are about 45 minutes from my job — and about 1.5 to 2 hours away from where he lives.
He travels for work, so he’s not tied to one place, but I am. And I haven’t really had a serious conversation with him about this because deep down, I already know what he’ll say — either to wait or to try to find something closer to him. But if I do that, I’ll end up buying a house I don’t love, in a location I don’t want, and with a mortgage I don’t feel good about. I’ve looked at the options closer to him, and they’re either not USDA-eligible or in rough shape — basically not where I want to invest long-term.
On top of that, he just started his own business and is trying to get it off the ground. I’m proud of him and I support what he’s doing, but realistically, I don’t know if we’ll be in a position to buy a home together anytime soon. And I don’t want to put my life or goals on hold to wait and see if things work out financially down the line.
I also don’t want to put his name on the mortgage or co-own anything because I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to this point. I’m proud of being able to do this solo, and the idea of risking losing my home in a breakup or divorce genuinely scares me. I want to protect what I’ve built.
So now I’m stuck between doing what feels right for me — buying a house that I love, that I can afford, on my own terms — and the fear that this might cause distance or tension in our relationship. At the same time, I don’t feel like he necessarily has a say in where I live since we don’t share a home or finances.
Would you go ahead and buy the house anyway?
Should I have this conversation even if I know what he’ll say?
Am I being selfish for putting my personal goals first?
Thanks in advance for any advice — I’m really torn
Comments
You’re not selfish, buy the house if it’s right for you. Have the talk with him, but don’t put your goals on hold. A strong relationship will adjust. Protect what you’ve earned
You should do whatever you want with the money you earned. That said though:
“I also don’t want to put his name on the mortgage or co-own anything because I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to this point. I’m proud of being able to do this solo, and the idea of risking losing my home in a breakup or divorce genuinely scares me. I want to protect what I’ve built.”
This is going to be an issue at some point down the road if you decide to take the next step with him. I’m sure some couples dont mind having separate assets going into a marriage. That said, you need to know where his head is at when it comes to you solely owning the house even after things might get more serious between the two of you. Just be aware that it would go both ways from that point forward which can get pretty petty pretty fast.
Hey, u gotta do what’s best for YOU. Not saying bf isn’t important, but rn it’s about your future, ur goals. U’ve hustled for it, right? Don’t compromise on something as huge as a gd house. He’s not tied down, so adjustments can be made. Like real talk, if he can’t see that, then 🚩🚩. You’re not selfish, you’re pragmatic. Hella respect for looking out for your own interests. Chat abt it, yes. But remember, your dreams ain’t up for negotiation. 💪🏻💯
You should never give up your life goals for a mere boyfriend just because he might have feelings about your accomplishment.
Which of his goals has he given up solely for the sake of you or your feelings? If it’s none because you would never ask that of him, you should expect the same respect in return.
Beside, since he’s not tied to a location it makes logical sense for him to come to you anyway.
Buy the house. You can always rent it out and co-own or rent a different property together down the line, but waiting whilst house prices rise would be foolish, as would be buying a house you don’t really want just to be closer to someone who travels for work anyway.
How do you think he will feel if you bought a home without telling him? If he had intentions on living with you, it might become a huge issue if the house is not in his life plan.
If you buy the house is your decision and I dont see anything wrong with keeping an asset in your name. But I would see it as a red flag if my significant other bought such a huge investment without talking to me first.
And as someone who owns a home, buying a house impacts a lot of your life. It locks you down in a location. While it is rewarding, it is a financial risk, burden, and time consuming.
I’d buy the house. He’s not tied to one location. If that’s what you want, why would you NOT? You’re not engaged, married, sharing finances, legally tied to him or living together. Bottom line is, he could be gone tomorrow (though I hope not) and you could miss your dream. If he’s truly your person, he will understand that.
You’re not being selfish but it reads like you just don’t see a future with this guy. Nothing wrong with that. Sounds like a conversation is in order.
If I was dating someone for 3 years and they bought a house on their own 2 hours away (and considered doing that without a conversation even) then I’d conclude He’s Not That Into Me and I’d move on.
Buy the house you love. After 3 years together I would think you guys have discussed long term thoughts. Sounds like he isn’t ready to commit and is very invested in his new company.
You have worked hard, you deserve this put it in your name only. IMHO