Update – My (29F) husband (31M) wants a baby but I want a divorce…

Hello again Reddit, my previous post is on my page. I tried to link it but the pain medication might be impairing me.

I had my surgery a few days ago and since I have time off I figured I’d write an update for anyone curious. It will be long and I apologize.

TLDR: I tried to have one more discussion with him before I threw in the towel. He asked for an open marriage and I told him to move out. Papers are being filed and I have lawyer.

I talked with my lawyer last week and the hope is papers are to be drafted and he will be formally served when he comes back from his work trip in 2 weeks.

On one of my days off I wanted to have a discussion about our relationship and it didn’t go well. I had spent the night cleaning and getting the house put together because my anxiety was so bad. When he woke up in the morning I had breakfast made and we made just made polite small talk.

I started the conversation by asking him if he was happy in our relationship, I’ll summarize the conversation:

Me: are you happy like this? With us? I feel like we are roommates more than a married couple..

Him: I don’t think either of us have been happy for a while… I do still love you and what to raise children with you, you’ll be a great mom… I have been meaning to talk to you about something

Me: …okay…

Him: do you remember my friends in (city)? And how they were having problems in their relationship after (fake name) came out as ace? How they opened their relationship so (fake name) could still get his… needs… met. (At this point I was just staring at him, he kept rambling on) I’ve joined some groups online, they said it saved their marriage. And with how much I’m traveling now for work. It would be every other 2 weeks, you know. And I’m in (city name) so it’s not like it would be someone you know or would ever meet…

Me: what the fuck?

Him: I mean think about it, we could have a surrogate this way. I know it would be a lot but we could make it work. You’ve always talked about fostering or adopting and it would be just like that.

Me: did you get someone pregnant? Is this your way of telling me you cheat on me when you travel for work?

Him: no no no, god no, there was one girl at the bar who was flirting with me and it just felt nice to be wanted like that.

He then pulled out his phone and started showing me “support” groups he had joined online for poly people in monogamous relationships. There was probably 3 or 4 of them that he had been texting in for the last few weeks trying to gain the confidence to talk to me about opening up our relationship. He brought up how he knows I’ve been thinking about switching to travel contracts and I can meet people there but then we come back home we’re together and married because we still love each other.

I have nothing against people who are in poly relationships, we have friends who are and have met their partners and go out all together. It’s just not for me, when I’m with someone I want to be the only person their with. I don’t want to get tested regularly, I don’t want to risk surprise pregnancy, I don’t want to feel jealous or wonder if he’s texting another girl while he’s supposed to be spending time with me.

I let him finish his speech before I told him it hasn’t felt like we’ve been married in a long time and I’m done. Hearing that he wants to see other people killed any last feelings I may have had. I’m not in love anymore and staying together isn’t going to make either of us happy. We both want kids but our timelines are different, what we want from the future is different now. I asked him to move out and he didn’t seem surprised. I walked away and left him in the kitchen before I drove to my friend’s house since I just couldn’t be there. We spent the day drinking and eating ice cream while I went from crying to laughing to screaming.

She is currently going through a divorce over her ex husbands porn addiction and the debt he put them in because of it. She gave me her lawyers information and I had an appointment set up with him a few days later.
I went home the next day and he had moved most of his stuff out, his side of the closet is empty, his cat, the stuff in the bathroom, a few of our wedding pictures have been taken off the wall and I can’t find them so I think he took them, and his gaming set up.

The house feels incredibly empty now. He travels for work so I’m used to being in the house alone but now my toothbrush is lonely in the cup on the sink. Our garage feels bigger now, the bed get cold, I only have to cook for one now. I miss his presence, I miss having someone to come home too, and I won’t lie I’ve spent the last week crying and my heart hurts.

We didn’t speak for a few days after he left, he mom reached out before he did. She wanted to see how I was doing and if there was anything she could do for me. We had a great relationship and I’m honestly going to miss having her in my life. We have a lot of the same dietary restrictions but for different reasons, and she was my food adventure buddy. We would go out for a coffee or lunch to some of the few restaurants and cafes that we can safely eat at. She invited me out for coffee and I went. When we met up the next day we made small talk until the divorce came up.

She let me know how he was doing, he moved into one of the houses on their property, they have like 60 acres and 4 houses on the property that different family members live in. He hasn’t really gotten out of bed, she’s worried about him and wanted us to talk it out. She asked if I was willing to go to couples counseling and told her I’ve been asking for that for about a year and his response was no. I was drowning and he didn’t want to help fix it but now that I’ve decided to leave is when he wants to work it and I just can’t. She stayed silent for a while before asking me if I still loved him, I do but I don’t. I told her I loved who he was but I’m too full of hurt that I don’t feel the love anymore. I can’t keep taking care of him like he’s my child, I can’t keep bank rolling our lives alone, I need a partner who is able to support me and I haven’t felt supported by her son in a long time. We were both crying by the end of our talk and she gave a really big hug before leaving.

He wanted to talk the next day and he came back to the house to talk. When he came in it was awkward, he wanted to give me a hug when he and I did, he went for a kiss and I turned my head so he kissed my cheek. We talked for a while about our relationship and how it got to this point. He apologized for a lot, he went into specifics of how he never helped around the house, he could’ve done more since he was home. It wasn’t fair to me that he put it all on me. He told me he’s looking at a new job, one where he doesn’t have to travel and it’s actually in the field he got his degree in. He gave me an update on his cat, who is struggling to the adjustment of the new house. I told him I’ll have papers for him in a few weeks and he couldn’t look me in the eyes for the rest of the time he was there. I helped him pack some of the odds and ends that he left around the house and he left again.

At the appointment with the lawyer we talked about what it would look like for the divorce process. Unless he wants the house I plan to buy his half. If I do that then there’s a good chance I won’t have to pay alimony unless he fights for it. He has the potential to make more than me so my lawyer doesn’t think I’ll have to pay anyways. We don’t have children and I took a pregnancy test recently to confirm that I’m not pregnant so that won’t be a factor. We each own our cars and pay for them ourselves. We have a joint savings but I can prove I’ve been the only one contributing for the last 2 years so it’s likely I’ll get most of that. I’m not touching it besides for the bills for the house per my lawyers advice. I will hopefully have papers for my soon to be ex to fill out and if he gets a lawyer to look over.

My 2 cats have been laying in bed with me and haven’t left my side since he left. They’re trying to make me feel better but it’s hard. My fiend who is also getting a divorce has a said that we’ll have a hot girl summer together and it makes me laugh but I don’t think I’m ready or even close to it. I don’t want to meet new people I don’t want to do first dates again. I think I’m just going to single for a while.

My mom sent me me this poem after I told them about the divorce and it makes me cry reading it, I’ve learned a lot from this relationship and I’m content being the old crazy cat lady for the foreseeable future.

“I will never love the same after you.
I was always the girl that loved so hard that it hurt, until it hurt.
I watched you change everyday until you eventually become someone I told myself I would never settle for.
But how do I leave you?
I told myself it was just a rough patch and we can work through this.
I will do more to make you love me again.
Because I don’t give up on people.
So why would I do that to you?
I will put myself through hell for you, I will hate myself to love you, and I will rip myself apart so that you feel cared for.
Because I was serious when I said
I would die for you, because I almost did…
I guess I ripped myself apart so much that I had nothing left.
I cared so much about you that I stopped caring about myself completely.
I lost who I was and I was no longer strong.
And I watched myself change everyday until I eventually became someone I told myself I’d never be.
But it’s my fault for not having a limit on how much I’m willing to give,
And for how long I’m willing to stay.
And for loving you more than I loved me.
Because I loved you so hard that it hurt…
So I will never love the same after you”

-“I will never love the same after you” by Allie Harding

Thanks Reddit for support and validating my feelings, I don’t know yet if I’m going to delete this or not. But I don’t think I will update this or ever long into this account again. I hope everyone stays happy and healthy 🙂 take care