So. My wife (34F) and I (37M) have been together 6 years, married for 4. We have a son, a dog, a mortgage, and decent careers. On paper, things are good.
A couple years ago, she admitted (while tipsy) that she’d cheated on me early in our dating days like 5 years ago when we were still figuring things out. It sucked to hear, but I wasn’t exactly shocked. It was so far in the past that it felt weird to get angry. We’d already built a life together. I let it go.
Last year, she told me she was having feelings for a coworker which she called “an emotional connection.” I honestly didn’t know what that meant, but she said it made her realize she wasn’t built for strict monogamy. She wanted to open the marriage. She swore she loved me, loved our life, but she just can’t be monogamous.
I had a lot of feelings, but ultimately agreed. I figured: she’s asking instead of hiding it, so that’s better than the alternative. And if i say no, she will either resent me and then cheat on me, or get a divorce, or both… and so I agreed.
We made ground rules: No bringing anyone to our home, don’t ask, don’t tell names, numbers, none of it, be discreet, use protection, get tested etc.
For the record, I assume she’s been seeing someone (or multiple people), based on her schedule changes and emotional energy lately, but per our rules, I didn’t ask. Things were going well. We’d still have sex once every week or two and there was no drama or nothing.
A few months ago, I started casually seeing a woman (25F) who interned at my firm last year. She’s now working elsewhere so there’s no conflict of interest or anything unethical.
We always stayed in touch as her career mentor and have been out a few times. Nothing intense, we talk, have a couple of drinks during happy hour, have fun, and that’s it. We hooked up a couple of times and she’s aware of my open marriage and she’s fine with it.
Last week, I told my wife I’d be out late for drinks with “people from work.” Later that night, she just happens to show up at the exact bar I’m at with my date. Alone. She claimed she was “meeting a friend in the area,” but I can’t help wondering if she was checking up on me. She does actually have a friend in the area, but I found it odd that she walked by the bar I was in. It never happens. It was too perfect.
It was pretty awkward and forced. She said hi, we all did polite introductions, and she left.
Since then she’s been radio silent with me. She barely speaks to me, keeps sleeping on the couch, and gives me dirty looks like I did something horrible. I finally asked what was going on, and she just said:
“I just thought you’d be more discreet with your little girlfriend.”
I asked her what she means and she’s not really talking or being clear… her stance is very vague. She’s insisting that I’m too “open” with it and that I am breaking the rule? But it’s not like I’m on social media with her or anything, we were having a drink outside of a bar after work… which I do with a lot of people all the time anyway, but I guess she knew there was something going on based on the vibe? There was no PDA or anything like that, I’m not a PDA type of guy.
I reminded her this was her idea. That we had rules. That I never questioned her when she started acting… let’s say “less available.” And now she’s punishing me for following her lead?
She says she’s “fine,” but clearly she’s not. I feel like I’m being guilt-tripped for playing the exact same game, just because I actually met someone?
Something about her behaviour is just not right to me. I might be a little paranoid and overthinking it but I feel as if she doesn’t want me to see other people and is micromanaging me and calling foul when I do it and is indirectly punishing me for doing it which is now getting me really worried because this might be a really big issue.
Comments
NTA – She is fine with an open marriage for herself but not for you. Obvious no?
Divorce her-sounds like she wants all the cake
What she really meant was “let’s open the marriage so I can screw other men. In fairness, we’ll open it for you too – since you won’t find anyone anyway”. Now that you have found both an attractive and much younger (I’m guessing this is the real issue) woman, she’s jealous as hell. Open marriages generally don’t end well, they just end marriages most of the time. Don’t be surprised if this is where yours heads.
She wanted a one way open marriage and now her jealousy is eating her up. All she is thinking is “I can’t compete with a 25 yr old”. Time for a deep discussion about your relationship and what she really thought an open relationship was/is. And get ready for her to close it now that she knows what you can pull and her relationship becoming stale. If you really want to see her true colors when she says you should have been more discreet. Agee with her and tell her you’ve thought about it and you’re taking your friend on a weekend getaway. She will show you who she is at that moment.
Honestly, I would rather find someone who is willing to be with me, see out and explore the world, situations no matter how hard, I want someone whom I can rely on. I don’t believe open relationships can be good, it’s like cutting off your self-dignity and value.
Call the lawyer, bud. Your marriage was over the second you were forced into an open marriage you didn’t want.
NTA – An open marriage can only work if both people are on the same page (or so I hear). Your wife wants only a one-sided open marriage. I find it strange that you really do not talk about the positives in the marriage in the post.
Divorce, you can’t come back from that. Sorry.
NTA, but your marriage is over. The only question is which of you takes the first step, and how long it takes.
Your wife sucks. Get a new one. NTA
NTA, but its pretty obvious that she is being faced with what it actually means to have an open relationship and that you are having success. For a lot of people, when they are forcing their relationship to be open, it is them trying to get and have their infatuation/desires, everything else is pretty much secondary, think of a horse with blinders or tunnel vision, they are only focusing on their end goal. Even if you (both of you) are discussing rules and thinking about how you would feel in different scenarios, it isn’t at all accurate because at that point in time, your partner’s ability to consider is being dampened and drowned out by how they feel about their infatuation.
Then the reality comes knocking, they got their strange, the infatuation wears off, the new experiences are no longer novel/distracting and the hookups become hollow, they start to look at the state of their original life and their actual goals. Their real partner (you) is actually having success and sleeping around, you both now have less time for each other and family, things are getting neglected and concerns about you finding somebody someone more attractive than your wife (physically, mentally, etc) come flooding in, especially as she forced this on you.
NTA, this is almost always what happens in open relationships. The person who asked for it just wants permission to cheat while you stay faithful. Turns out your wife is very much “built for monogamy” if she can’t stand seeing you just talking to someone.
Sounds like a deep serious discussion is warranted to clear the air. I would suggest discussing the rules and if it might be time for them to evolve.
I recommend the book Polysecure. It can help identify healthy and maladaptive attachment styles with recommendations on how to develop a more secure attachment style.
It is open for her, you were not supposed to go out.
You married a piece of trash. You should have divorced her when you found out she cheated during dating. You should have divorced her when you found out she was cheating just before she opened the marriage. You should divorce her for the manipulation she is exhibiting now. She does not love you. She loves that you provide her with a stable home and a good father (maybe you are the father) and she has chad and tyrone to satisfy her sexually. Do you ever worry about her getting pregnant or STI/STDs? The problem with this degeneracy is that is has massive health implications and trauma waiting for yourself and your children.
If she is not built for monogamy, divorce her so she can live the single degeneracy dating life of multiple partners.
Yeah… This isn’t gonna work for yall . I’ll never quite understand how you could “Love” someone, yet be ok
With them sleeping around with just whoever. That’s not any kind of love I’d ever want a part of.
How fair is this to the child? They won’t be in the dark forever
If your wife initiated the open relationship, it’s absolutely fair to expect that the visibility of your involvement would align with what you both originally agreed to—even if that means asking for more discretion now. Clear, specific boundaries (around disclosure, safe sex, emotional involvement, etc.) and regular check‑ins are essential, and you’re fully justified in requesting that your consent framework be honored or renegotiated if it no longer serves your comfort and trust
The fact you are dating someone you used to work with sounds like you were ripe for the open relationship idea from the get go. If I were her, I would wonder if you and the young one have been seeing each other for a while.
Hypocrisy
Divorce her, yes. You don’t really have a marriage.
Sit down with her and do a “check in”.
You will need to be tactful in this discussion. Understand that she has fears and is acting jealous. She was fine with the open relationship while she was busy banging someone else but now that the reality that you are doing the same thing is sinking it, she is unsettled by it.
Just remind her that you were meeting your friend at the bar when your wife happened to be in the same place. You had no intentions of “rubbing it in her face” and that was never a goal. Its up to you whether to ask her if she followed you there but do so tactfully. I personally would avoid broaching this subject unless she brings it up. Done wrong, it could cause argument and resentment.
Open Relationships require open and honest communication. Ask her point blank how her seeing you with your friend made her feel. Was she jealous? Upset? Be understanding. If she has never seen you out on a date with a lover, then she’s likely unsettled by it.
Reassure her that you do love her and are not going anywhere.
Remind her that she was the one who wanted to open the relationship and experience sexual relations with other people.
Ask her if that is how she still feels. If she has changed her mind, ask her why.
Pull as much info out of her as you can and get her to describe how she feels. Emotions are what she’s feeling and she may not even be sure what she feels other than just “unsettled”.
Sometimes just talking out things with her will calm her down and make her realize she isn’t losing you.
She wants open for her and not for you. These things never work. Your wife is unable to have a relationship built with one person. Its time to divorce her and learn from this, to never open a relationship ever again and when you discover cheating to end it then.
Hooking up with a co-worker isn’t discreet so she was breaking the rules from the beginning.
“She swore she loved me, loved our life, but she just can’t be monogamous.”
“For the record, I assume she’s been seeing someone (or multiple people), based on her schedule changes and emotional energy lately, but per our rules, I didn’t ask. Things were going well. We’d still have sex once every week or two and there was no drama or nothing.”
“Since then she’s been radio silent with me. She barely speaks to me, keeps sleeping on the couch, and gives me dirty looks like I did something horrible.”
This clearly shows she wanted you to be fully invested in the relationship while she does whatever she wanted on her timeline.
While that was happening she gave you just enough sexual attention so that you couldn’t claim she abandoned intimacy with you & because you didn’t cause issues with her behaviour she felt secure you were wrapped around her finger.
The power imbalance she thought she had over you in the relationship has been shattered because you do have options & aren’t the doormat your prior actions told her you were.
She’s lost control so you’re seeing behind her mask & her behaviour is a change in strategy to get you back under control.
If she’s not being discreet on her side then it’s not a fair “opening” of the marriage.
Dude, time to either close the marriage or walk.
NTA.
This sounds like absolute jealousy to me. She came face to face with it literally by accident and shes emotional without there being a fair reason, because, this is what she asked for 🙄
I don’t really believe in “open relationships” tbh. It became so trendy for a minute but it seems to me like one person is almost always harboring something unhealthy. For you to agree to it in the beginning out of fear of what saying no would do, for example. You might have been right, but you had to sacrifice and adjust for her… If you did what you had to to make it work – for her! – she’s going to have to suck it up and remind herself that this is exactly what she asked for. It certainly does not sound like you violated the arrangement in any way.
So that’s the issue with open relationships. Too many things you can think you agree on but don’t… obviously here I think your wife is TA. Bc she cheated, then opened the relationship to cheat with permission. So that’s crappy all around. But let’s pretend she didn’t.. and the open relationship was mutual.
For me? You out at a bar with another woman is not discreet. When I was in an open relationship (bc he wanted it, not bc I did) I wouldn’t have wanted my husband out in public with another woman. Now… that’s just me. But did you guys talk about that? To me discreet means no in public. But has she already been in public with her guys? Idk. You might know but i don’t. And there’s the issue. You would literally have to either give each other grace or hammer down every detail. Anyway, idk if thy is makes sense… but that’s my 2 cents.
She wasn’t expecting you to meet anyone and now she’s jealous.
NAH (sort of)
You’re in an open relationship and your wife is going through some jealousy and insecurity issues. The “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule set this up to happen eventually. Knowing about your partner sleeping with people, and actually meeting this other person can be jarring at best. This is up to your wife to get over her insecurities, but a frank open conversation will either clear the air and help her resolve her current issues, OR make it clear she never intended you to meet someone which would be a huge problem.
NTA – She is living by the “Good for me, but not for thee” philosophy.
Nta. Play stupid games, win…
The phrase “little girlfriend” isn’t far from “little-girl friend”. I.e. it’s the age that bothers her.
She didn’t really want an open marriage, she just wanted to fuck other people while you stayed home waiting for her. She doesn’t give two shits about you, I’m afraid.
She; like SO many stumbling into the world of open marriage land, is no where near equipped mentally or emotionally to actually deal with anyone but her getting what she wants out of this arrangement…
Reality is hard.
YTA for not divorcing when she asked for an open marriage.
Yeah, so, this is just part of why “don’t ask, don’t tell”(DADT) dynamics and vague but controlling rules set you up for failure every time.
Trade up for the younger model
So she was cheating decided to “suggest an open marriage” to be guilt free, you should of just divorced her she isn’t worthy yo be your wife. NTA, your marriage ended when she suggested an open marriage
NTA. You both should (if you haven’t already) check out the podcast called “Nope! We’re Not Monogamous” — the host is a consensual/ethical nonmonogamy relationship coach and you should call her! (Full disclosure: she’s a friend of a friend.) Maybe someone who specializes in nonmonogamy could help you guys work through this, problem solve. To me it sounds like your wife is just jealous. And that’s really normal and totally work-through-able.
Here’s the deal. My wife went through the same stuff when we first opened our marriage some years ago. I didn’t play her games, I went out and did my thing, often leaving her home screaming, crying and flipping out. I supported her but also let her go through her phase. We’re great now because of it. There’s a bit of resentment on her part toward my actions but I don’t concern myself with it. In the end we’re in a strong great place. DON’T PLAY THE GAME.
NTA, I’ve never seen an open relationship not end in divorce. Someone alwsys gets jealous.
NTA – your wife never wanted an open relationship she wanted the option to fuck around not for you to fuck around. Honestly you should have left her when she suggested it.
Quickest way to anger a woman, give her exactly what she asked for
NTA
I’m willing to bet her emotional connection with her co-worker ended.
She’s insecure because you have an ongoing gf.
Seek couples counselling
well your marriage was based on lies, and she is for the streets. Unless you can embrace being a cuck, your marriage is and has been over. Accept it. Proceed accordingly.
You have to increase your cadence of seeing this other woman and if possible, find others.
You need to make it obvious that you are a “hot commodity” to other women.
My wife and I are swingers and we see this a lot in the lifestyle, particularly with new couples.
Women KNOW they are sexually more valuable than men, so if they have the need/urge to sleep with other people, they know they’ll have their pick and fill their cup.
What some women don’t understand or appreciate is that some men are also highly sought after sexually by other women. When their husband turns out to be popular, these women get jealous and resentful.
You’re in a pickle.
If you tell her that her behavior has made it impossible to proceed with the open situation she requested, then you are the bad guy – you’re jealous, controlling, denying her, etc.
So the answer for you is to orchestrate a situation where she seeks to end the arrangement and to do that, you need her to realize that you are a highly sought after sexual mate for other high value women.
She saw this younger woman. She felt threatened. If you increase your overall cadence, she’ll ask to close the marriage very quickly.
She’s struggling with the idea that the open marriage applies to you too. She thought you would be pining in misery on the side while she went and had fun. Then she sees you connecting with another woman and she feels threatened, because you are the safe guy for her and if you leave her she is stuck with the consequences of her choices.
NTA
It’s a mess of a situation and really sus of her to show up to where you were. Plus you weren’t breaking any of her rules and you haven’t called her out on her obvious situations of her going out with others. I’d suggest finding a sex friendly couples therapist and getting this sorted. Because she’s being childish she’s getting everything she wanted. Most people would have divorced her by now
Bro just leaves this nightmare of a woman
She wants to be an SLT and expects you to be a saint!!! at heart she is just a lying POS cheater and if you didn’t have a son, I tell you to just divorce her!!! Then you could have a real life and a real life,
Rules are for thee but not for me.
Frankly? No, your wife didn’t expect you to find anyone. She thought you were built for monogamy and pretty much emotionally manipulated you into agreeing to the open marriage. But it just didn’t occur to her that opening the marriage meant you’d feel free to explore as well. Yes, she’s punishing you for playing by her rules.
NTA. Dude…you were so discrete, it took a few months for your wife to figured it out. And seriously? She just showed up at the bar? No, she either tracked you via your phone or looked at past charges to see where you usually go after work and checked them out until she found you.
Nta she’s butthurt you found a younger hotter gf , while she’s staying to lose ground on the open relationship
She fucked around and found out.
I guess her friend in the area saw you and told her.
Also I think she never thought you’d never meet someone.
If the dynamic is still crap in like 3 months, have a chat about changing things up again. If things can’t be polyamorous thats okay.
NTA for what is happening with your wife.
YTA for framing your relationship with the 25 year old as a “work mentor”. Think long and hard about that. Would you recommend that this is the type of relationship she have with other superiors or mentors?
Whether you admit it or not, there is a power differential. And you could potentially torpedo her career down the line. Be a good guy and just sleep with her. Don’t frame yourself as a “mentor”.
WTF. Did you think this was going to be a happy ending. Changing the terms of a relationship is extremely dangerous. Unfortunately this is a tremendous issue to overcome.
NTA, she wanted an open marriage to give her licence to cheat, after shed already been emotionally cheating with her colleague.
Id say she didnt expect youd be able to attract someone else, certsinly not someone younger than her, and shes pissy about it and blaming you, even though this entire situationship was initially her idea.
NTA
It’s kinda refreshing to read one of these stories with the genders flipped. I feel like I read one a week about a husband begging for an open marriage then getting weird and jealous.
However, I disagree with the folks who think she is upset you’re getting action. I suspect it’s some combination of (a) her dalliance either recently dumped her and/or is only interested in taking her to low rent motels for discrete quickies rather than actual socialization (perhaps they’re married too…?) and she’s jealous of the attention your +1 is getting and/or (b) she’s jealous you found someone 10 years younger than her and cute with whom you clearly vibe when she only ever pictured you with people she wouldn’t feel threatened by.