Certain details changed for anonymity.
My wife and I have been together for 18 years, married for 8. Since practically day 1 of our relationship, my wife has never wanted kids. She was a little wishy-washy when we were young in that “I really don’t want this but I don’t want you to be upset” way, but it’s always been clear how much the idea of being a parent stresses her out. I, however, have always wanted to be a dad ever since I was little. I realized pretty quick though that’s incompatible with the life I want with her, and that I would rather take the guaranteed future I have with her over hypothetical children I could have with someone else. My wife is my soulmate, she’s my better half, she’s seen me at my absolute worst and stood by me and vice versa. I have 0 remorse, regrets, or resentment about my decision.
But over the better part of a year my wife has started making “jokes” about having children. Her friends have kids that are growing up now and she says things like “almost makes you want your own, huh?” or “We have that extra bedroom…” or “Aunt [name] is here!” (She’s never called herself an aunt before.) She used to say she didn’t understand why people call babies cute, but now when there’s one at a restaurant she can’t stop staring at it. Two days ago we split a bottle of wine and she got tipsy enough to just come out and say it. She wishes we had kids. She’s been looking into IVF, she’s afraid she’s missed out on motherhood, she wants to add another person to our family and make it whole.
I think that’s a terrible idea. She brings up that I wanted kids, and that’s true, but that was when we were young. We’re both in a place we love with our careers, we love taking trips and doing impulsive outings that you can’t do when you’re a parent. I like having money and time and freedom. My parents had me late in life and I became an orphan when I was 31 and they were in their 70s. The time I had with them was so short compared to the rest of my life, I can’t do that to my children. Not only that but she has medical conditions that would make carrying a child very risky, and we were told that back in her 20s. Our child could inherit the same disability she has just like she did from her mother.
I brought all this up to her that night but she kept saying it would be different or it would be worth it. She says I would be a good dad, and I would be lying if I’ve never thought that she’d be a good mother. She says that the time energy and money we have now is what makes it possible to have a child. We pretty much just went around in circles in our discussion until we called it a night, and we haven’t talked about it since but it’s like there’s this wall between us now. I don’t want to leave things unsaid but I don’t know what to say that’ll get through to her. How do I tell her it’s a bad idea to have children now?
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You are not too old. This is a matter of compatibility and desires, not age.
You’re not too old. People have kids at your ages all the time. The issue is, you don’t want kids and your wife does. There’s not going to be any compromise here unless your wife actually doesn’t want kids but I don’t really see that happening. This is a dealbreaker and that sucks but it’s better than having kids you don’t want.
my mother was in her forties when she gave birth to my little brother.
this isn’t an age problem, it’s a compatibility problem, a lifestyle problem.
if you don’t want them at this point in your life, you have to tell her that, exactly as it is; that you don’t want them now.
She’s not too old neither are you, maybe just your mindset. It’s not a bad idea for her to have children, you just think it is.
I thought you were going to say it’s too late. I had my first at 37 and second at 39 naturally .. I also know it’s not as easy for everyone. But. Your reasoning is very valid. Maybe short term therapy to help. I agree. Too many risks and the most important being your wife. Her life. I’m not willing to take the chance of losing you.
I wish you the best of luck.
Other side of the coin here…my BIL just had his first kid at 44 (wife also 44) after DECADES of No Thank You. He’s the happiest I have ever seen him and his son absolutely adores him. I obviously don’t know what your wife has going on medically, but with IVF it’s possible to eliminate the possibility of passing that on. And medicine keeps advancing, so passing her genetic issues on might not be as big of a deal down the road. I wish you both peace and happiness—this is a super tough one to navigate. Hang in there.
Not wanting to have a child is totally fine. You shouldn’t need to defend your decision. Not wanting a kid is reason enough not to have one.
But you definitely aren’t too old. My grandmother was 46 when my mom was born. She lived to be 99 and my mother’s mom passed when she was 53, a very normal age to lose a parent.
You’re not at all too old, in this day and age you’re at a common age and perhaps the best age to have kids. Your parents passing away in their 70’s isn’t common in terms of their age, but also losing your parents over the age of 30 also isn’t uncommon. If the concern is truly her disability and losing your lifestyle then you’re both in the situation you were previously and it sounds more like you don’t want kids anymore, which is fine, but she may also now have to make a decision about being with you or not too.
I had my last baby at 36. Please let her go find someone who will give her a child if she wants one let her go to be happy.
You’re not too old. This is actually a fairly normal time of life to have kids, now. If you don’t want kids anymore, say THAT.
You stop trying to convince her that it’s a bad idea and simply tell her you don’t want them and go from there.
You’re not to old to have kids. Maybe now is a perfect time to have kids now that you’ve both established your careers. Your wife should consult a genetic counselor if there are concerns.
You are not too old at all.
Would adopting an older child be an option?
This is not an age issue. I was 33 when I had my daughter. Now 55 and she is 22 living independently and hubby and I are living our best life. So stand up and say to her that you just don’t want children.
I was born when my mum was 42 and dad was 40. I am now 29 and both parents are in good health. Although I am jealous of my brother who is 10 years older than me because he will have had 10 extra years with my parents when they pass away, I never resent them for having me later in life. Basically if you guys want to be parents, go for it. I doubt you or your future children will regret it, but you may always regret not taking this opportunity to have kids
Ok, so at age 36 I went nuts trying to find a way to have a child. I got on dating apps and posted that I was looking for some kind of co-parenting situation. Had a ton of responses. None of them felt right. I ended up deciding not to pursue it. Anyway, it took a few years but that urgency did pass and now I’m grateful to be a childless cat lady.
Her biological clock is screaming at her. Trust me, the urge is insane! It makes me understand young men and their urge to have sex all the time. Those hormones hijack your brain and make you think about babies all the time.
I recommend couples counseling to see if her desire is coming from the heart or just from hormones.
Idk cause you’re not 🤷🏻♀️ so how do you lie to your wife? Also idk
OP, honestly, you are not too old, but I do think that having a child is a major lifestyle change that both you and your wife must be willing to make. At her age, your wife will be considered a geriatric pregnancy. Her eggs will be old and the chance of birth defects are increased. You can look at model families and shiny children, but are you both prepared to raise a less than perfect child? I had a much wanted pregnancy that turned high risk. At the time, I was able to make life saving decisions that, if you live in the US, your wife may not have today. Such is the reality of our times.
My Mom was able to identify a neighbor child who looked like me as a toddler. She did all kinds of things for that little girl. My sister (also no kids) and I laughed at the time, but the pressure was off. As I near retirement, I have my eye on a neighbor child….
Your concerns about being too old to have children is invalid.
If you feel to old to have children that component is valid. It’s time to start doing some soul searching about what this means for your family.
I’m curious whether you could be trying to protect your heart with such an adamant no at this point. You did hard work of letting an idea go. And now to open back up could feel really intimidating. So you’re coming up with reasons, and they may be quite valid, they likely feel so. But most can be overcome. You aren’t destined to die when your parents did. With IVF and PGD they can screen for your wife’s condition. I had my first kid at 34, last at 40 all naturally conceived, and truthfully we’re not older than most other parents we know.
All that to say, this isn’t a one and done conversation and there are no magic words anyone can give you to convince her that you’re right and she’s wrong. People can change over time, desires can as well. You might not have a kid. After going through talks and batting the idea about you may both decide not to. But it isn’t because you’re right and she isn’t, but because you’ve mutually concluded what you want. But maybe opening up to a possibility is a legitimate option as well. Good luck to you both
You tell her with words. You’re a big boy, just say it.
The fact is she wants kids and you don’t, age isn’t really the problem here.
My mom was 33 when she had me and my dad was 35, almost 36. I know, a bit younger than you guys but not by much. My parents were great and now, in their mid/late 60s, are extremely active and involved in their grandchildren’s lives. Also, my MIL was 39 when she had her third and last child. I don’t think you guys are too old…but I think you really need to ask yourself whether it’s something you really want.
Too old? Bro start taking care of yourself you should be in your prime
Saying you were an orphan at 31 is crazy
That’s not too old. My parents had my brother when they were 34. It’s a question of if your capable of adjusting your current life for children.
You’re not too old…
Had my kids late 30’s.
My lifestyle has not changed.
Still go out for dinners with friends, time we eat has…
Still do trips last minute, just locations changed..
Priorities have shifted from work to being with my kids.
I think you (reasonably) have trauma from losing your parents in your 30s. I think you need to get into therapy to process that trauma.
You’re absolutely not too old
I know everyone’s saying it already, but definitely not too old to have one. My mom had my brother when she was 36. I think that, above all, you’ve already had to come to terms with not having kids, so the idea of you flipping that back is scary. I don’t blame you. I also don’t blame you for being concerned for your wife’s health. Pregnancy is a lot and can be very dangerous. If you truly don’t want kids now, you just have to be honest about it. You don’t need a million reasons, not wanting one is reason enough
Adoption
Too old? No. You’re a great age. Settled, more mature, understand the importance.
Look at adoption if you do decide on having a child. Or tell her it’s a dealbreaker for you and would want a divorce. She’s young enough to still have a child if you don’t them then maybe let her go so she can. Getting old is lonely and having a child gives you purpose. I’ve had plenty of childless friends who really enjoy being free and selfish. But you both need to want the same thing or she will resent you down the line.
You just need to tell her that you don’t want kids at all anymore. If it is so important to her, then you may not be compatible anymore. You have to make a choice whether you love her enough to go along with what she wants, or tell her that you need to separate so she can have a child by herself or with someone else, otherwise she has to agree to no children, and you risk her being unhappy and possibly leaving anyway. You have a big decision to make and unfortunately one of you will be left unhappy, or possibly both. I don’t envy your choices.
I’m 42 and my children are adults now (21 & 19). I cannot imagine having a baby around right now. In fact, it’s something I actively dread. When my daughter got an IUD, I was ecstatic.
There is absolutely no way I’d have a child this late in life. Enjoy your freedom.
She is probably just feeling the tick of the clock and thinking it now or never fomo. Id suggest couples counseling to have a neutral 3rd party help you navigate the conversation
You’re not too old, you weren’t “orphaned” as an adult, that’s not a thing and it’s insulting to those that were orphaned as children.
Neither of you is to old. Probably better prepared for a kid than in your 20’s. My grandmother had her last at 44.
That said, if you just don’t want one, you need to let her know. I personal don’t know anyone that regrets their child (I’m sure there’s some out there), but I know two who regret not having one.
Had my first at 40, and my life started.
Honestly, you are not old. My cousin had infertility problems for 12 years! She gave birth to her son at 38. My uncle was 47, wife 43 when they had their daughter. And being an orphan at 31, doesn’t compare to children. You were a grown man for over a decade when they passed. You had longer than most would. Also she has a point that you are both in a great position to have kids after focusing on your careers, got to travel, and save money. Now she wants something more in her life than being an aunt to others kids by having her own to spend time with and cherish. She wants a little one to raise, watch grow, and be part of their milestones. I think its best to be open minded and consider it if OP always wanted kids and she is finally on board with the idea. Why not try now before you become like my uncle who had kids much later in life.
I’m 36 and my husband is 39 and we just got pregnant in January! we planned to have kids a little later because my husband wasn’t ready earlier. But now we’re both ready and so excited. We are planning to have 2. Plenty of women have kids into their 40’s and a vast majority are healthy. Yes there are more risks but still a majority are healthy. She’s suggesting IVF so you can hopefully rule out the genetic issue she has.
It doesn’t sound like an age thing, it sounds like you don’t want to anymore, which is totally valid. I’m sorry you lost your parents at a young age – it sounds like that is really impacting your decision. Have you looked into counseling or therapy? It could be helpful! Because I assure you, your ages aren’t prohibitive!
I was two and done at 32.
Then at 36….BABY FEVER!! 🥵
I tried to ignore it for a year. Then I came clean at 37 and told my husband he might get the third he always wanted and I was ready to try for one. Then Covid hit and we paused that, then got pregnant at 38. I was freshly 39 when he was born. No regrets but I was already a mom of two so no surprise there.
This story was really about 36 being that Baby Fever age.
It really is like that clocks ticking louder and some women really feel that pull to complete a very evolutionarily biological process.
You’re not too old. But I’d say she should wait a year and see if it passes. Or do some counselling and see if she truly feels different or if her hormones aren’t just smooth talking their way into her womb with a view.
Either way, you’re a firm no. And so if she can’t cope with that, you’ll both have some hard decisions to make in the future.
You’re not too old. As plenty others have stated here.
Your choice to have or not to have is your own. If you know 100% you don’t want them, communicate that directly. But do know, you’re taking the chance that she may NOT make the same decision you made years ago. She may decide to lean so she can find a partner that does want children. Or she may stay and grow to resent you.
Talk to her about why her feelings have changed. Hear her out. Don’t interject with your opinion. You owe her at least that much.
People in these comments desperately trying to convince you over 30 isn’t too old. Just because they got lucky doesn’t change the statistics. Having kids over 30 is risky. Over 35 is playing with fire.
As someone who went through that but at a younger age. I was 36 when she “changed her mind”. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Make sure she understands your entire lifestyle is about to change. They will be trips but to Disney.
I would do it all over again.
OP, I respect your comment which included “her body her choice” and that you are concerned about your wife’s current health issues. And people arguing that you aren’t too old, that is just their perspective—I told my husband if we were to have kids that I didn’t want to be an old parent and that my cutoff age was 28, that was my perspective as someone who was born to parents in their upper 30s. And let’s face it, geriatric pregnancy begins at 35.
With all that said, perhaps she’s felt kids were still an option because you never stepped up and got a vasectomy at whatever point you felt your window for having kids was up, and if that’s the case then it’s a problem of your own making.
You know what she’d respond to best, so lay out your feelings and concerns in whatever manner works the best for her. Maybe the two of you need a few sessions of couples counseling; she definitely sounds like she has FOMO but she needs to recognize her limitations and realize that she can still be a huge part of children’s’ lives through Big Brother/Big Sister and Kinship, etc. Best of luck to you.
My mom had me at 36, I had my first baby at 37 from IVF after years of trying. I didn’t even want kids til past 30. Yes your hypothetical children would likely not grow up to have a long relationship with their grandparents, and that brings up another issue of potentially not having ”a village” to help(we have done 1 date night just the two of us since she was born last year, as my parents are older and have medical issues so they dont babysit), but we still live our life, go on vacations and do fun things.
But you both still need to want this, and it doesn’t seem like you do. I’d be curious to dive deeper into your wife’s head to see why the sudden change of heart.
I’m just here to tell you that you’re not too old. Oh and depending on the genetic disorder your wife has, part of the early IVF process is both of you doing genetic testing and speaking with a genetic counselor, this is before the shots and procedures. Perhaps that may put your mind at ease.
You definitely aren’t too old. I had my second daughter the week before I turned 35. I have a 7 year old and a 12 year old. I feel great at 42.. not too old at all. However, you both have been childfree for a long time, and the change in your lifestyle will be drastic. So that is something to consider.
You’re not on the same page but neither of you is too old. I became a dad at 33 and again at 50; the mothers were 40 in both cases.
Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone; you have to live the way you want to live. My folks were old when they had me, geriatric when my sibling was born- yes our mom died 4.5 years ago- but our father is still living at 82. Time will come and yes we will loose him and likely while we are both under 55; but you and your wife are younger than mine were when they had my sibling- if it’s something you both want – then jump! Being an older parent myself, it comes with some privilege and luxury being a younger one would not have provided.
You aren’t too old. I think you should have one!
She is 36, she is not too old to have kids. Neither are you.
You need to talk and think about it. If she really wants kids it can affect your marriage and a lot. Not getting that kid can cause tons of resentment.
Can you talk about fostering? Adoption? There are other options beyond giving birth if her health can’t handle that.
This is honestly a
Horrible world
To have kids… just look
Around. I have a 7yo and covid hit 2 years later. Anyone having kids
Now has
Severe cognitive dissonance
It’s not too old. My mom had my sister when she was 42 and adopted me at 50. But if you don’t want to have a child of your own, you need to tell her. The FOMO is getting to your wife as she’s aging, completely biological and understandable.
Maybe you should talk to someone about your feelings of being an adult orphan how how it is impacting why you don’t want children now.
Also, YTA for calling yourself an orphan at 31 (albeit, the term technically fits but it’s still wild to call yourself that). Sure, it may be on the younger side of ADULTS to lose both parents but you’re not an orphan in the way nearly everyone thinks of them. There are child orphans with NO biological parents or family to RAISE them. Those orphans’ parents miss out on not just their adulthood, but their childhood as well. You still got the privelege to experience having at least one parent through your young adult life.
Signed, someone who was orphaned as a toddler and lived in an orphanage for nearly 2 yrs and lost an adoptive parent before adulthood.
Are you certain she isn’t pregnant now and simply trying to gauge whether keeping the baby is a good idea?
Also FYI I’m older than your wife and currently about to pop a baby boy out any day. She isn’t too old to conceive naturally at all.
There are people older than you who are raising young kids and taking care of babies. I don’t think it’s your age that’s stopping you; it’s all the other reasons you listed. You don’t want to change your lifestyle to be a parent. That’s okay. But this may be a deal breaker.
Sometimes when I see others with a newborn I miss the snuggles and baby hugs. It makes me question if I want another child. But actually holding the child and babysitting curbs those thoughts for me. Maybe your wife should try to spend more time around babies? Maybe that would satisfy her want? She could babysit for a friend or maybe volunteer at a church nursery. Good luck.
Had my first at 36 and second at 39 not too old.
As the comments here have demonstrated, telling her “we’re too old to have children” will be unproductive.
You have to tell her that you don’t want to have children. This isn’t an objective thing, it’s subjective. You don’t want to have children at 40. That is too old for you personally, not because it’s too old objectively. Frame it in that way. You don’t want to be an older parent. You don’t want to risk her health. You no longer have any desire to become a parent, for you that window has closed.
Good luck.
It’s crazy that you’re basically being offered the life you strongly wanted with the one person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life and you’re saying no.
You’re not too old to be parents. And the orphan thing… You were a full grown adult who had 31 years with his parents. A person’s life is never guaranteed. There are children who become orphans at 5 years old due to accidents or other things. It could happen at any time. I’ve met people that were 98 years old and still seemed rather healthy for their age.
Your life expectancy might be different from what your parents had. There are so many factors to that and health care is advancing all the time.
You might be cheating yourself out of a beautiful thing.
You are not too old for kids. I had all of my beautiful children in my 30s. My youngest is 4 and I had her at 38. My mum had my baby sister in her 40s. You both are not too old yet.
She’s 36 years old she’s not old!
I plan to have two more kids before age 38 but it it doesn’t happen I’m fine with it. My mom had my sister when she was 38 and my other sister at 42.
You’re not too old, my cousin who’s your guys’ age just had their first child – after deciding they didn’t want any at first
Not to old, my parents had my in their 40s
Its a bad idea if one partner does and the other doesn’t. You guys need to be on same page. Having a baby changes your relationship. Its a sacrifice of your money, time and each other. You have to be ready together.
You’re not too old to have kids. I know people that didn’t start having children until early 30s. The couple was 42 when they had their last.
My sympathy on losing your parents at 31, but you were an adult. Not a child. Orphans are children.
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At this point you’re no longer compatible. If you really don’t want to change your mind, better start wearing protection because she wants kids and might “accidentally” get pregnant.
But having kids or not is a huge deal breaker, do you still want to be together if nobody wants to compromise?
to be fair i think more people should wait until their mid to late thirties to have kids. you’re much more emotionally, financially, and mentally stable at that point in your life than in your mid 20s.
I’m 39 and we are actively trying to have kids… he’s 36. It’s too old when your body says it is, not when chronology says it is.
Do you guys have pets? Looking at a baby and thinking you want is one thing, but having to actually take care of one 24/7, is different, if you have pets, you would have some idea of how time consuming, exhausting, and financially draining having a baby would be. If you don’t have pets, you should offer to babysit a niece/nephew for an entire week and see how juggling a kid fits in your schedule. I am also 36F and never wanted kids and will never have them, I work 12-36hr shifts, my schedule can be crazy, I value my sleep on my days off. Some of my friends have kids, and they barely have the energy to cope with them without having 🍻 and 🍃. My coworker (41F) currently has a 3yr old and a 1yr old through a family guardianship and she loves them but she is tired af and constantly having to juggle her work schedule for drs apts, school, sick days, parenting is rough.
I don’t know if it was a reddit thread or a story I read somewhere else, about a couple who one partner was constantly waking the other one up with a youtube video of sounds of baby crying at all random hours of the night for several days, to show that they wouldn’t want an actual baby in the house.
39 and 36 are not by any means too old to have kids, so if you want to be able to tell her it’s a “bad idea,” I’m afraid you might have to just find your own voice here. It’s entirely independent of anyone else’s opinion. If you have any inkling that you might still want to, then do it. You said yourself you both would be good parents. But, if you have no desire at all, and there is no changing your mind, then you need to point blank tell her, “I do not want to have kids. If this is something you want, then we need to split up so you can find someone who you can do that with and we don’t waste anymore time.” Or something to that effect. Just be honest and make a decision before you start the convo. Don’t back down, and go around in circles. If you don’t want it, stand your ground, because if she really does and she isn’t just doing the FOMO thing, then she doesn’t deserve someone going back and forth. But, neither do you, pick a plan and stick to it.
You guys are not too old at all. Actually pretty standard age for having kids in my area. So, take that one off the list of reasons not to do it. Really consider the remaining ones though. They still stand. Only you can decide if you want kids now.
She’s 36. That isn’t too old. You should just tell her you changed your mind and you don’t want kids. She changed hers. You may have to accept you’re no longer compatible, but the age argument is a weak one.
I had my kids at 39 and 41 (F). They were out of the house when I was 59 and I still have tons of life to live. I traveled and had a whole spontaneous life and time to build my career. Then kids and that was a great adventure with a new kind of fulfillment, even several international trip that we could afford as older parents. Now another chapter go later career and planning my retirement. It seemed like a really good way to go. My childless friends lives seem a little monotone in comparison
You have time for 2 kids if you get crackin… but I think you should at least be open to a sober conversation. You are financially stable. Sure you can’t be as spontaneous but it’s very fun and frustrating to be a parent. I’m 42 with 12m and 8m with my 41 wife. We’d be way richer without kids, but I take great pride and fulfillment from raising these 2 boys.
Only you two can decide, but you have to discuss honestly and maybe have a few marriage counseling sessions to unpack the pros and the cons.
I’ve worked with seniors for twenty years. Biggest regrets are always…. I wish I had kids… I wish I had a family…. Your problem is not age. Your problem is your soul mate gets what she wants.
Oh wow. I guess literally all of my friends have had their babies when they were too old for raising kids.
Now that that’s out of the way. There’s nothing wrong with you not wanting to have children now – but it’s not that you are too old. It’s that you don’t want to. And that’s absolutely fine. For whatever reason you have, which seems to be connected to not wanting to die while your kids are young.
But again, it’s a preference and a choice. And it’s yours. But also hers and everyone else’s.
Your wife is only 36, she has time to have children. Neither of you are too old. If you really don’t want them now, you say that. Just right to the point, but framing it as an age issue is not the way to go. My husband’s mother had him at 40 and his brother at 44.
It’s probably best just to tell her very directly, No.
No, it doesn’t make sense right now. The kids would be teenagers when you’re a doddering 60.
You can continue to save money. Lord knows you are going to need it. Look no further than the current national debt which has never in history reached these levels – which means prices have to go up, way up.
I think I would just go have a vasectomy.
This is a little funny to me bc my parents were literally the exact same age as you are now just reversed when they had me, their one and only child (mom was 39, dad was 36)