my dad 50/M was charged with rape in 2019. I 20/M have only just found out about it. I don’t know how to navigate this.
he’s sworn for years he didn’t do anything wrong, meanwhile he was sentenced to 9 years and may be eligible for parole in a year or two. The story is that my dad has always had mental health issues and been a raging alcoholic since i was little, but he wasn’t always like that for the first 7 or so years of him and my mothers relationship, together for 19 years.
he was genuinely insane sometimes and would have psychotic episodes while drinking and being on the wrong medications. he’d scream and rage for hours and may have gotten physical with my mother a couple times from what i heard. but never in a million years had she felt threatened he would sexually abuse her. my dad was actually a good dad when he wasn’t like this, he was the one planning fun things to do and was always really good with us. that’s what makes this so shocking and out of character. if you met him you’d think he’d kill someone for doing this.
as his mental health spiralled, we lost the house. they eventually split and my mother got a really bad boyfriend for a year who almost killed her. he blames the stress affecting his mental health at the time too. he got into a depressive state and wouldn’t get out of bed all day, not even to get us food sometimes.
one day, he did get out of bed, probably to get meth or crack and hang around bad people. i guess he was being a fuckwit and got kicked from those peoples house, then broke into an older, maybe 60 year old women’s house to steal some things, bashed her, then raped her. i think she was also part of the bad people and was addicted to meth or crack as well.
me and my siblings are all my dad has to live for now. he still cares about us deeply. i felt like i could excuse all the other charges, but beating someone and then getting turned on and raping her? i can’t excuse that. genuinely sick and twisted.
i feel like i should cut off my father. i’m having difficulty navigating on how to do so. i feel like i need to get him to just admit it to me but i’m not sure if he ever will, and i only have the options of just dropping on him that i emailed the court and got his charges but that would have to be over a 10 minute phone call, or wait till he gets out.
i can’t really visit because my family comes along everytime and i just can’t confront him infront of my little siblings. it’s going to be so hard cutting him off because honestly i am just like my father. i’ve received a lot of his personality traits, and we have a good relationship and connection. sometimes when i can’t talk to my mum about something because she won’t get it, i go to him.
this is the biggest betrayal of my life and i really don’t know what to do.
i wish this was forgivable. i suppose it is, just not to me. this goes against my morals. i don’t know what to do the next time he calls me. he’s pretty normal now, i think mentally he’s back to before he lost his mind. don’t know why i feel bad cutting him off.
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I don’t know what you should do. That’s a super shitty and difficult situation.
I just want to comment on one point: you don’t have to be just like your father. Everyone gets traits from their parents but the gift of shitty parents is that you have a model of how not to be. Don’t let “just like my father” define you. Make good choices because you’ve seen the example of where someone with the traits you inherited can go wrong.
Sorry you’re going through this. Good luck!
This is a scenario that is going to be way above this subs paygrade.
Please OP, you need professional support, from a therapist, not randos on reddit.
There is a lot of trauma to work through here, and the best place to do it will be with a therapist.
Good Luck!
Please work with a therapist. For those of us who have family with mental disorders, it’s a difficult thing to go through. Forget mental disorder that crosses paths with the justice system. One way to alleviate some of your hang ups, is to remember he was under the influence. Probably psychotic or hearing voices. He definitely had serious untreated mental illness and his actions despite being reprehensable, were not an issue of morality. This could be you in 10-15 years since these diseases run in families. It’s really sad what these diseases do to families. That said, you still have questions and you will find out his responses might not give you what you’re looking for. You have a right to be disappointed but it’s just the reality of this country with mental health stigmatization, minimal funding for mental health, and an archaic justice system fixated on punishment even when it’s obvious the person wasn’t with it. But please work with a therapist as there’s lots to unpack.
I am very sorry that happened to you. It is very difficult and at the same time very sad situation you are in to. For me, I think you need to seek a professional help from a therapist. I wish you the very best.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but if you ever need someone to vent to feel free to reach out!
I found a therapist in my area that does a sliding scale to where I can pay her $25-$50 per session .
Follow your heart. It sounds like your father loves you, if that’s true, then he’ll understand your decision. Even if it’s something he doesn’t like.
At least take some time to process
I agree with the above about seeing a therapist.
Also I think it’s important to note:
So, make your choices about what you want to do depending on what you actually want and what is best for you. You don’t have to do anything based on what you think others would expect. You are not in any way responsible for anything here.
My real father is a monster. Without going into deep detail, he’s an abuser of women and children and very violent. Weird dichotomy, he’s an animal abuser and sells horses to slaughter, and I’m an animal welfare professional of 25 years. I simply stopped speaking to him or acknowledging his existence at 15. Never looked back. And that was well before I knew the whole truth about him. You can walk away from family. It’s like grieving a death but worth it. I’ve also forgiven family and love them despite mistakes, moral issues and flaws. The relationship isn’t always great but it’s still healthy and fulfilling with boundaries. This is purely up to you. Take time to process it. Pay attention to how you feel dealing with him, and have a simple hardline conversation with him insisting on accountability. How he manages to take accountability and explain his issues etc may help you make up your mind.