My bf and I have been getting into it a lot over his son. This used to be an issue long ago but we had gotten over that. Well recently he came to live with me and my family. Since then it’s been constantly “your confusing him”, “you just need to stop trying to be right”, “you never seem to listen or explain yourself were you can be understood”, ect…
Well today, yet again it was one of those situations. We had said we would go to our storage unit to look for his son’s pokemon cards. Apparently saying “Yes we can go to the storage unit and look for your cards. I think it could be in the back though.” Is not enough detail to not set up the expectation that there is a chance it can’t be found right away or at all till more of the unit is emptied. Because of this I was scolded for not being clear, making a confusing plan and setting up an expectation that I knew where it was exactly so we would be in and out. Am I wrong for just putting it the way I did? I ask because his son is nero-divergent and I am on the spectrum as well. I’m asking if I’m the Ahole in this situation because of this. We have so many arguments because of situations like this.
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My bf and I have been getting into it a lot over his son. This used to be an issue long ago but we had gotten over that. Well recently he came to live with me and my family. Since then it’s been constantly “your confusing him”, “you just need to stop trying to be right”, “you never seem to listen or explain yourself were you can be understood”, ect…
Well today, yet again it was one of those situations. We had said we would go to our storage unit to look for his son’s pokemon cards. Apparently saying “Yes we can go to the storage unit and look for your cards. I think it could be in the back though.” Is not enough detail to not set up the expectation that there is a chance it can’t be found right away or at all till more of the unit is emptied. Because of this I was scolded for not being clear, making a confusing plan and setting up an expectation that I knew where it was exactly so we would be in and out. Am I wrong for just putting it the way I did? I ask because his son is nero-divergent and I am on the spectrum as well. I’m asking if I’m the Ahole in this situation because of this. We have so many arguments because of situations like this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I apparently wasn’t clear about plans to get something.
2. I was told I never listen or am clear but I’m nerodivergent so I’m not always sure what the correct responses are. If I’m eplain things wrong or not.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I would say you need to give more scaffolding to most kids that age. I would definitely prep a kid for what might be 30+ minutes of dragging and reorganizing stuff. That it might be dusty or hot and that they’ll need to possible help me or be patient. If there is a chance the item or toy might not be found this trip you DEFINITELY need to say that upfront. NTA
NTA, mate. Being clear isn’t handing out every detail on a silver platter. Sure, he’s 11 n’ neurodivergent, but life isn’t gonna explain everything. He’s gotta learn to navigate uncertainty. Maybe it’s your bf who’s gotta chill on the expectations here. Oh, n’ high five from a fellow spectrum mate. Keep ur chin up, u got this! 👊💯🌈
NTA
Does your partner even like you?
Sounds like he tells you off alot
I want to say ESH.
Your boyfriend needs to stop being so protective over his son like that. Whilst I’m sure it’s well intentioned, not everyone is going to be able to accommodate his son like that, because they simply won’t know to. He’s getting to the age where he needs to start learning how to cope with this sort of thing.
Depending on how neuro-divergent the kid is, you need to explain things a little better to the kid. Whilst not everyone will be able to accommodate him, you and his father can. Just be as clear as you can about things.
Also worth seeing how the kid reacts to these situations. If he seems fine, it’s worth saying it to your boyfriend. If you’re both raising him, you’ll need to start explaining things less as I said before.
INFO: Does the son have any medical or cognitive reasons why your explanation would have been confusing?
I’m going to criticise how you’re handling this. You’re complaining that your monologue isn’t letting a child understand things. Where is the part where this becomes a conversation? Where is the part where you’re talking and listening, and asking questions back to him so that you can be sure you’re both on the same page and he actually understood you?
I think YTA, because that is your responsiblilty to lead and model conversation as the adult, and you’re not doing the heavy lifting.
YTA foe complaining about an 11 yo.
Depends on the kid. If he’s on the spectrum or is otherwise neurodiverse he may need detail.
ESH except the child. it sounds like you don’t like the kid and it must be awful to grow up in a house where you feel like one of the parents doesn’t like you.
also sounds like your bf is internalizing that you don’t like his child and is really defensive on his behalf.
Saying it could be in the back of the unit means to me that it could take longer to find it than expected, but NOT that it might not be found today.
Where was boyfriend when you were telling kid that the cards could be in the back? Or when did the scolding happen? If BF is standing around with his thumb up his butt when you are saying it could be in the back of the unit, and then scolding you after you get to the unit and can’t find them immediately, then BF is definitely the bigger AH. Is BF also neurodivergent? My family is all neurospicy, and something that has helped with clarity as the kids are growing up is ‘what does that mean to you?’ Because I can see how someone would think ‘I think it could be in the back’ as you know where they are in a rough manner vs they might not be found on this trip. And I don’t think that that is necessarily anyone’s fault for misinterpreting, but that isn’t particularly clear language. That being said, there is not a need for a meltdown when people aren’t clear.
I think you’re probably YTA. If this something that you argued/talked about before then you would know whether your explanation would be confusing to him or not. Every Neuro typical is not the same. Your statement would be vague to a kid who was very black and white. It prob wouldn’t kill you to add another line or two. “We can go to storage to look for your cards but there’s a good chance they may not be there.”
This is a tough one, I don’t think any of us can tell if you are the asshole. There doesn’t necessarily seem to be a communication gap between you and your bf, but your bf does think there’s one between you and his son. And we’re missing the son’s reaction here, whether he has problems understanding you, whether the perceived communication gap has caused issues. Without that information, it’s impossible really to tell.
NTA
I had a 14 year old kid when I met my then gf, now wife, when she moved in and I didn’t bother her with bullshit rules regarding my kid nor was my kid so soft that he needed to be coddled through basic conversations. Your bf needs to fuck off and handle his own child
If that’s verbatim what you said, I’d assume you meant you knew where it was, not that it might not be something achievable in one day. NTA for not realizing that particular phrase could be misunderstood, words are hard. But it sounds like whenever a miscommunication happens, it’s “never” your fault, you dig your heels in rather than bothering to learn how to communicate better. You know someone you interact with a lot needs more information to set expectations, but you’re posting on AITA asking if you’re right, rather than r_relationships asking how you can talk to your family better.
Might be a weird suggestion but you should check out Ask a Manager! It’s about work environments, not parenting, but I personally find it really fantastic for laying out methods for recognizing what the people around you need from you so you can both succeed when you’re coming from different places. I’ve found it really transferable to my personal life, so I can logic myself through when intuition fails me. Her additude about life in general applies to much more than just work – there are always power imbalances and being sensitive to other people’s perspectives instead of just assuming everyone you’re in conflict with is trying to pick a fight, and learning to recognize when you need to put down hard boundries – it’s all really healthy stuff that doesn’t come naturally to me. I appreciate reading a bunch of stories about how things can be approached maturely and respectfully so I can be a force for good in the world (and make my own life way easier in the process.)
Softly YTA. Neurotypical 11 year old would need to be told – “we can look for your cards, we only have about an hour and theres a lot of stuff, if we don’t find them by then we will need to come back another time, so let’s make sure we really use our time wisely”.
YTA.
The boy is neurodivergent- I assume autistic? – and likely needs things explained to him in a way he is able to properly understand. It doesn’t take a long time to explain things to him.
To clear up some questions or respond to statements I’ve read:
He’s high functioning but has a huge temper.
Yes, my bf is nero divergent, too
No, I do love his son to the point I’m the reason his son wasn’t thrown out many times by even his own father for his behavior. His mom already threw him out of her house 3x and plopped him off at our door with a bag and said she didn’t want him back.
My bf internerlizes a lot of small things and is overprotective of his son because my bf was heavily abused by his mother after his father died. He’s also very impatient at times, too.
Yes, he does care about me, but we have definitely had or ups and downs, we’ve been through therapy, ect.
The reason we got through this all before was help from our therapist, who had helped him to understand me more. He hasn’t seen them in a few years due to finances.
His son can twist things even if given clear instructions even when given full details and will lose it if we don’t do things to the exact timeline given, so I started being more vague because of that.
We hadn’t even made it to the storage yet before this happened. It was a discussion between us to make a plan for us to go tomorrow. When I explained that we should set up the expection that it could take longer then in and out that’s when he scolded me about agreeing to go and get the cards without setting the expectation before hand.
To answer where my bf was when this was asked and agreed to, he was next to me in the car. He said to him I made it sound like I knew where the cards were too.
To clerify also he and his son are both aware that to get to the back of our unit, I will have to climb literally over boxes that reach the ceiling just to get to the back which I said I would open the boxes that were in the room designated to have the cards and climb all the way back on my own. I said we would go early, so if I couldn’t find them right away, we would have a long time to search.
I was willing to look all day just to get the cards because I said I would.
Hope that helps clear things up more.
The way you stated it, a child is going to assume the cards will be found. You’re kind of setting it up for the kid to be super disappointed if you don’t find the cards. Stating you think the cards might be in the back, to a child, they’re going to remove the probability part of that and just think that the cards are in the back and you’re going there to retrieve them. You need to stress that you don’t fully know where they’re located in the unit and you only have x amount of time to look. It’s usually better to set expectations a bit lower so the kid can be happy when they’re found instead of disappointed when they’re not, as well as probably feeling a little lied to because they thought you’d told them they were going to go get them. Emphasizing the part where you don’t fully know where in the storage unit the cards are is not explaining every detail of the plan. The full details aren’t what is needed. Setting expectations appropriately is the important part.
NTA, but you could have communicated more clearly. My neurodivergent step-daughter came to live with us permanently when she was 11.
I’m making a lot of assumptions here, but it sounds like this neurodivergent child formerly lived with his mom or someone else, and for “reasons” he came to live with you.
Continuing to make (possibly incorrect) assumptions: frequently kiddos who have to leave one primary caregiver and live with another have experienced some sort of trauma-just the move itself can be traumatic. His neurodivergence probably compounded all of that.
His need to know extremely specific timelines and details may be his attempt to feel “safe” in his new world.
If I were in your situation, (and I have been in what sounds like a very similar situation), I would work on carefully communicating exactly what he can expect in any given situation, while also encouraging him to practice being flexible if things don’t go according to plan.
Hopefully, eventually, he will heal from any trauma he has experienced and/or outgrow his need for this. But for now, your job as the adult is to do what you can to help him feel safe.
There are some details missing from this story. Why did this cause a fight? Was your BF not satisfied with your explanation right after you gave it, or did you get to the storage unit and have to leave without the cards, and there was some kind of reaction from the kid?
NTA
You are better than this, you should not be scolded for explaining a situation to his son.
It may be time to evaluate this relationship. I’d this going to go on forever? This is verbal and mental abuse. I hard as it might be, you may need to leave this relationship.
A spectrum is just that. He obviously needs tasks broken down into one or two steps and very clear language. (Between 1-2 pm we will go to the storage building to look. We may not find your Pokémon cards. Please repeat what we’re planning to do. Once you get there…we’re going to take boxes and things out neatly. We’re going to look for the cards.)
Clearly and calmly stated language. No ambiguity (words that aren’t clear) or assumptions that he understands. Someone with ASD may have auditory processing or auditory closure issues or even receptive communication delays (super common). Repeated directions, tasks broken into small chunks (some kids can handle 3-4 step instructions but others need one step), eye contact or direct named address with verbal response to ensure you have his attention, etc.
This is only at first. You gradually wean them off of these accommodations. Does the child have Speech or Occupational therapy to help with his functionality?
I wouldn’t call you an AH, but I think it would help protect the home peace if you learned how to effectively communicate with this child when it comes to tasks and expectations. Using some targeted strategies can clear up ambiguity, increase feelings of security, and eliminate extreme frustration levels that can lead to tantrums.
You need to go to family therapy and some parenting classes. NAH You will all be happier for it. This is not a light adjustment and you are both neurodivergent.
NTA, it was well explained.
Unfortunately kids like that need to be given the full picture, as much detail as possible, and if you specify a time you’re going, then thats the time you need to go. Patience and understanding will get you through this.
YTA.
Setting clear expectations is important for kids if you want to make sure they understand the situation and are prepared for the possibility they’ll leave disappointed. It is especially important if they’re neurodivergent in a way that stops them from making inferences from indirect statements. If that’s the case he literally CAN’T understand what you mean unless you say it directly. You should plan around that and be careful with your words.
I’m surprised at the comments. Wow.
This is a child, he does not need to be given long explanations. He has a brain and will see the storage unit, will see the work involved, will understand that his belongings may not be right up front in the first place you look. You do not need to be “scaffolding” everyday events like this. If he needs information, he will ask. If he does not ask, then he will just deal with events in real time.
I suggest that you let your bf do all the planning/explaining on his own when his son is involved.
If you do ever have to make plans with the boy, you can always add: “Any questions? Let me know”.
NTA even though so many in the comments seem to think so. And 11 year old child, neurodivergent or not, is already capable of thinking and asking questions all on his own.