Me (25F) and my boyfriend (31M) have been together for over two years. In the beginning, our relationship was electric.
We were spontaneous, passionate, loving, it felt like we couldn’t get enough of each other. I know that was the honeymoon phase, but it felt so genuine and intense.
Then we moved in together, and things started to settle. I know that’s normal, the passion calms down, life kicks in, but it feels like we’ve lost more than just the honeymoon glow. We still love each other deeply and communicate daily, but the spark is gone.
We’ve gone from having sex almost daily to maybe three times a month. Intimacy feels scheduled. He barely ever initiates anymore, it was mostly me doing the initiating in the first place, but now it’s nonexistent. The few times we’ve tried, he often goes soft mid-way, which has made him deeply insecure. He’s said that he “gets in his head too much” during sex. But this didn’t happen in the first year, it started later.
He struggles a lot with self-worth. He constantly tells me I’m too good for him, that he doesn’t deserve the way I love him. I reassure him all the time that I love him just the way he is, but it doesn’t seem to register. I even supported him in going back to therapy (he was in therapy before we met), but now he refuses. He says he’s “fine” even though I can clearly see he’s not.
All of this is really starting to affect me, too. My own confidence is dropping. I’m self-conscious when we’re intimate, especially when he pulls away or goes soft. It makes me question myself, even though I know this isn’t all about me. But I’m also someone who craves physical closeness, and I feel like I’m being slowly starved of that.
We talk openly about our problems, but nothing changes. I feel like I’m the only one actively trying to improve things, and he’s just… stuck. I don’t want to force him into therapy or push him further away, but I’m also not okay living like roommates who occasionally make out or maybe have sex once in a while.
I love him, and I know he loves me, but I’m starting to wonder:
Will we ever get that spark back? Or at least some of the passion we had?
I’m starting to feel desperate and lost.
TL;DR: My boyfriend (31M) and I (25F) have lost the spark in our 2+ year relationship. Our intimacy is almost gone, he won’t initiate sex, struggles with self-esteem, and refuses therapy. I love him but feel like I’m the only one trying.