Throwaway because she is active on here.
I’m (27M) dating my girlfriend (30F), and there’s this one guy friend of hers who I’m having a serious issue with. They’ve been friends for a while, longer than ive known her, but here’s the thing, they have previously slept together. She says it was just “as friends” and a one time thing, but that honestly still doesn’t sit right with me. They still hang out every few weeks, one on one. They go for drinks, dinner, cinema, and sometimes she’ll go over to his place to watch movies, order food, and even smoke weed together. I also smoke occasionally, but she never wants to join me when i light up, not sure how to take that. I hope she doesn’t get pressured by him.
On top of that I’ve noticed a trend of her trimming downstairs before these meet ups. I admit I could be overthinking a pure coincidence here, but she always trims within a 1 week window before meeting with him. She usually does this every couple months, so it might just coincidentally line up, but it doesn’t help ease my feelings towards the situation. I feel like I’d seem insane I brought this up to her.
I’ve tried telling her that it makes me uncomfortable. In my eyes these are date activities and not just “friendly hangouts.” But she still chooses to spend time with him, and it’s really frustrating. Sometimes she even brings him up in conversations when I’ve made it clear that I really don’t want to hear about him at all.
She says she understands my feelings and acknowledges that it makes me uncomfortable, but it doesn’t seem like she cares enough to stop. Whenever she comes home from hanging out with him, I just feel disrespected and honestly, I don’t want to talk to her for the rest of the night.
I don’t want to be a controlling partner… I want her to do what she wants, but that doesn’t stop me from going down mental rabbit holes and start worrying about what they could be doing.
Worth mentioning, when we first started dating, I was still in contact with an ex, and I was upfront about it. She asked me to stop talking to her, and I did. No questions asked. So now I can’t help but feel like, if the roles were reversed, she’d probably be pissed off and tell me to stop hanging out with this girl.
Am I being overdramatic here? AITA for wanting her to stop hanging out with him? I’m not sure if I should keep bringing this topic up with her. She knows how I feel but doesn’t change. I believe I have many reasons to feel the way I do, but I’d love to hear other people perspectives and what they would do in my situation.
Forgot to mention above so I’ll just add it here: we’ve been together for 3 years and have a good relationship outside of this.
Comments
YTA. You do sound controlling, and also insecure. You obviously don’t trust her. Have you gotten therapy for your issues? Trying to dictate who a partner can and can’t hang out with doesn’t end well, and it’s not healthy.
this again? NTA. she is very likely to cheat on you with him.
You’re not wrong for feeling off most wouldn’t be cool with their partner hanging solo with someone they’ve slept with. It’s not controlling to ask for the same respect you already gave her. If she keeps choosing him over your comfort that says a lot
She’s not the one for you bud.
Not the asshole: it’s fair you don’t wanna be controlling at the same token she’s willing hang out with a guy she knows you don’t feel comfortable at the expense of your feelings. If you know, the role were reversed and she wouldn’t take it that says a lot.She’s taking advantage of your kindness and because she knows you care about her. It would be one thing if you guys were like all friends and she hung out with him and like group settings since that’s not the case, I’d really look into how much she prioritizes you compared to how much you prioritize her.
NTA. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend hanging out with a girl he used to sleep with either. Also, it is sus how she shaves before meeting him… she’s a red flag. How can she tell you to stop texting an ex but expects you to be okay with her hanging out with a guy she was intimate with? Double standards.
and refusing to smoke with you but does it with him?? what the hell leave
Honestly, your feelings make sense. Most people would feel uneasy if their partner was still hanging out one‑on‑one with someone they’ve been intimate with. You’re not wrong for feeling uncomfortable, and it’s okay to want clearer boundaries. At the end of the day though, if she knows it bothers you and still chooses to keep doing it, that says a lot. You deserve to feel respected in your relationship.
nta, its not controlling if you just want your gf to stop hanging around someone that makes u rlly uncomfrotable. i think its a matter of respect and also thoughtfulness, maybe she can see him less, maybe she can tell her friend their friendship is taking a toll on the your relationship, idk; but, i think if she really takes ur relationship and opinion seriously then she needs to set atleast some boundaries with the guy first, no matter how long they’ve known each other (real friends respect boundaries!!!). it sounds like shes valuing the friendship over your own relationship and thats not good. talk to her about it!
NTA, man just read what you wrote. She was not okay about you and your ex JUST talking, so you stopped to show her her feelings matter and she is important. When you became uncomfortable about her and her ex having essentially date nights together and communicated that, what did she do? Think hard who seems to be her priority. At this point you are basically allowing to be cheated on. Have some respect, please.
NTA Tell her you’re gonna go hang out with that ex you had stopped talking to, on the days she’s planned to go hang out with him. If she still goes, it’s time to move on. I think it’s time to move on regardless because she doesn’t respect you but you need to come to terms with that yourself.
Your girlfriend is the asshole.
NTA. She has no respect for you if she keeps those people around. Past intimate partners need to stay in the past and never have any connection with moving forward. It ain’t Hollywood where all friends sleep with each other.
Your girl is a whor3
NTA – I feel like this is a normal boundary for most people.
So she wanted you to stop and she can’t do the same? She will cheat on you with him if she hasn’t already.
Ditch her and find someone who can actually respect a relationship because she ain’t it.
NTA. I think it’s really important that you notice your feelings and try to understand your emotions. It’s not controlling behavior to set your boundaries in a relationship. Your concern now is how likely it is to keep your mental healthy with those feelings every couple of weeks. If it bothers you and makes you overthink things try making it more clear with her and explain better how this situation makes you feel.
You guys really should talk about it and figure out if it’s possible for you two to agree on a plan that makes you both happy, if you can’t then my advice is to consider if investing more time into a relationship that makes you worried and scared is the correct path for your future
Best of luck and remember that your feelings are valid and you of all people should respect them the most.
> have a good relationship outside of this.
lol no you don’t
No, she asked you to stop so you did, you asked her and she didn’t, double standard. Is say be petty and hint that you are talking to ex again and see her reply
I have a very good female friend of 21 years that I slept with ONCE. We tried dating and it we both decided to remain friends. She was the one that initially caught feelings. We smoke together as well but we never breached anything again and her longtime boyfriend knows we had a mini fling and doesn’t have a problem with us spending time together. Every situation is different. Ours is innocent but this may or may not be.
NTA. The activities (dinner, drinks, movies at his place) sound like dates, and the history makes it worse. The fact that she won’t even smoke with you but does with him is weird. You’re not controlling for wanting boundaries. She just doesn’t seem to care how it affects you.
NTA. You’ve been honest about your feelings, and she’s choosing to ignore them. Hanging out one-on-one with someone she used to sleep with especially doing date-like stuff is totally valid to feel uncomfortable about. If she asked you to cut off an ex, then she should understand why this doesn’t feel right. Relationships need mutual respect, not double standards.
Lots of layers to this when considering you were in contact with an ex at the start of your relationship. I’m assuming that shook you up when she asked you to stop talking to her and you now understand it’s not in a relationships best interest to entertain past flames and is a new moral that you acquired because of her. It is very strange that she condescendingly still speaks with an ex-fling after that. And, as a stoner myself, it is extremely and highly suspect that she smokes with him but not you. Honestly, if I were you, I would chalk it up to not having the same morals when it comes to exes and that you don’t want to change her, but you want something different for yourself (like: less stress, less comparing yourself to someone else, less drama) and should break up. Everyone deserves stability and peace. NTA
NTA. Leave her to the streets in which she belongs brother. She and that guy have a relationship you are just a muse to make their relationship more exciting. That’s a bad place to be. Get out of it safely
The fact that she didnt at least limit contact immediately is a huge red flag. I wouldn’t be surprised if “one thing led to another and it just happened 🙁 im so sorry baby! But it didnt mean anything”
Sounds like she ain’t into you. She would smoke with her “friend,” but not you. On top of that, everything else sounds like a date.
Time to move on dude. Unless you wanna be a cuck 🤷🏼♂️
NTA! Gigantic double standard. A lot of times, people don’t set boundaries because they hate confrontation or are worried it will make them lose their partner. But it’s not fair to you. And if a person is willing to blatantly do something they know is upsetting to you. It means they are the type of people who don’t respect their partner or just care about themselves more. People deserve better in their relationships.
NTA
Start hanging out again. Schedule it for her meet-ups so she can’t chase you.
It can solve it. Both stop or break up.
Used to sleep with? You spelled “he’s still clapping them cheeks” wrong
NTA. Are you sure you’re not the other man?
NTA. She has known this guy longer than you and had a previous intimate relationship with him, which she is likely to be minimizing. You have no idea if she just slept with him once or had a regular ongoing thing with him. I’ve actually known people who had relationships like this and kept them up even after both parties got married.
You don’t have to justify feeling uncomfortable about her spending time alone with this guy and doing things together that resemble dating. You’re entitled to feel unsettled about it. You’re also entitled to decide her behavior is a deal-breaker and end the relationship.
I honestly wouldn’t waste any time trying to be fair about this. It’s making you miserable, and she’s not going to change. Spending time with that guy is more important to her than you are. I would just disengage and get on with my life.
Nope
If you are this stupid or even real, just stick it out. You deserve it.
Break up with her. Then work on your self esteem. You should have dumped her the day you found out she fucked her best friend.
Here’s some advice, stop being a damn cuck and start talking with your ex or make another lady friend to re-assert your masculinity. Leave her right after, your relationship is already over anyway.
Buddy, ejecto seato cuz
Banging the hell out of her every meet up.
Get rid of the scrag.
NTA. I’m sorry, but it sounds like they’re dating. Not “friends.”
There’s no scenario in which it’s going to be ok…optics wise…for “friends” who previously had sex to do Netflix and chill sessions just the two of them while her partner is at home and has expressed concern over the arrangement.
Seriously…she doesn’t want you to come over (I.e. To smoke with them) = they’re hooking up. There’s nothing that you’re going to say that’s going to convince me they aren’t.
If this has been going on the whole time you’ve been in a relationship with her…no…you do not have a good relationship with her.
“ we’ve been together for 3 years and have a good relationship outside of this.”
Time to restart the friendship with your previous ex. If she says anything then make it clear that you don’t have to respect the demands of a hypocrite. She either gets him out of her life or accepts that you can keep exes in yours. Expecting someone to abide by the rules they make for your relationship is not being controlling.
What you just described are dates. Drop her
This is ridiculous. Take the ex out of the equation altogether. Now imagine a pattern where she shaved her cooter before she went to the grocery store. Wouldn’t any reasonable adult assume she was fucking someone at the grocery store? Glad you have a happy relationship, though. Besides all that, how did you enjoy the play, Mrs Lincoln?
I am close friends with my ex husband. We go to the movies together, sometimes we watch movies at home together.
I guess the thing is though if I had a S/O I would invite them along and encourage them to be friends.
My most recent ex and my ex husband hang out without me because they became such close friends.
I would never date someone who couldn’t accept that he and I are friends and always will be. Maybe yall just need to separate.
She’s cheating on her boyfriend with YOU. Sorry mate.
So just a recap – she made you stop talking to an ex, refuses to stop seeing her ex, shaves her pubes and goes for drinks and dinner with him, and you’re unsure if you’re being overdramatic?
Are you a bit thick?
Idk man, 3 years and shes made you cut off your reciprocal situation in the past? If you haven’t brought up the double standard already, i fear it’s too late. If you have and she just doesn’t care, that’s not good.