Hey all,
As the title says, I caught my boyfriend of 5 years lying to me about buying sex toys for the second time in a few months.
The first time, I saw an e-mail about him ordering a dildo. I confronted him, because he never told me anything about this toy. He told me that he wasn’t cheating on me and he bought it for himself, but got ashamed of it and threw it away when it arrived. I believed him because he seemed genuine and never gave me any reason to suspect him of cheating.
This time, I saw a chastity cage in his Aliexpress cart a few days ago. He told me yesterdays that he ordered a few things from Ali, and when I asked him what, he didn’t say the cage. I didn’t tell him what I saw in his cart, but I did ask him if he bought any sexy stuff and he told me no. Curiosity got the best of me and I checked his e-mails today. All of the e-mails about his Aliexpress orders were in the regular folder, but when I checked the bin folder, low and behold there was the e-mail about the order of the cage, like he was trying to hide it.
For a little context, for the last 3 or so years we’ve been trying out different things in the bedroom, and I was the first to suggest femdom, which he really likes ever since. So him saying that he’s ashamed about these toys and trying to hide them makes zero sense to me. During our 5 years together, he never gave me any reason to suspect him of cheating, up until this point. I can use his desktop and his phone, I can look into his mails, his Facebook, so he doesn’t really hide anything from me.
I can’t keep this to myself for long, because it’s eating me up and makes me super anxious. I think I’ll try to talk to him after he gets home from work, but I feel like I can’t trust him especially that he’s done this for the second time now.
If you have any advice or been in a similar situation, please feel free to share.
Thank you!<3
TL;DR: boyfriend of 5 years lying to me about buying sex toys for the second time in a few months, I feel like I can’t trust him anymore.
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Okay I’m gonna be real, he either likes butt stuff or just playing with random toys with himself and he’s either paranoid that you wouldn’t accept it or he’s just filled with embarassment about it at all because of the stigma of guys using toys.
From what I can tell, I don’t think he’s cheating on you. I just don’t think he can deal with the internal embarrassment of the things that he’s found he quite likes and enjoys. The fact that he enjoys findom quite a lot makes me think that.
The hiding isn’t about you, I think it’s him and the things he thinks about it that are stopping him from explaining it fully.
On the other hand, I’m not quite sure why he didn’t come clean after you saw the emails but we’ve all had experiences of trying our best to stop discussions about either uncomfortable or embarrassing things.
Honestly…It sounds like he’s experiencing a little shame about ordering toys to try in his butt and how you’ll see him/his masculinity. I’d talk to him about the orders, but let him know that it doesn’t come from a place of judgment, there is no shame, let him know how hot it is (if you’re into it!) my boyfriend was the exact same way! No way he’s cheating or anything nefarious.
Pegg him for the truth
It sounds like the teenager caught smoking. He wants them but doesn’t want to be caught and get a talking to. If either of you want toys, buy toys. It sounds like to me you want to catch him cheating. You already go through all his stuff online to see what he buys, facebook, etc. Sounds like you are suspicious of his every move. Relax.
The real question is, why does he not feel safe and comfortable enough with you to discuss it? Maybe come from less of a space of accusation and more of a supportive space? Even if he isn’t cheating, the fact that he feels he needs to hide it from you means eventually he prob will in one way or another. Not because he may even want too, but because with men, sexual urge is POWERFUL! (Think in terms of your period, hormonal surge. A man’s “period” is 24/7/365, at least until their testosterone starts to drop). The majority problem I have observed (gay man here) woman shame men for it. Calling them deviants, pigs, etc. (think about how mad women get when men accuse them of being “too emotional” or “crazy” during their period.. but when men T surge and NEED sex…and yes, men NEED sex like woman need “connection”) so try understanding and less suspicion.
From what I noticed men who are ashamed or embarrassed of liking certain aspects of sex, came from a VERY conservative home where anything that isn’t in the social norm is frowned upon..
I came from a home like this. And I was like that from maybe 17-22 years old.. but now? Shit I just enjoy life with my wife, and we try anything and everything in the bedroom. 🤷🏽♂️ it’s just more fun that way.
Help him work his way out of that fear and shame. Specially if you’re into the idea of it, which sounds like you are. So it would be a win win for both.
He was ashamed. When I ordered anal plugs and some dildos for myself for the first time, I was afraid my girlfriend would leave me… or that she wouldn’t see me as masculine anymore. So, I was really nervous the day we started the conversation about toys but thankfully, it went great.
I think personally you are causing him to hide it.
if it’s for you, him , or both of you. What’s the issue if you are experimenting with things in the bedroom why not look at these things togeather maby he wanted to surprise u with a hey look i got this thought u might want to try it.
Maby, his thought process is misguided. Did you guys ever set any guidelines about any of this?.
is ordering toys for himself an issue would you think twice if you wanted a new one or saw one you liked.
It’s hard to really understand where you would say he’s cheating other than he ordered a toy for himself, and you are now thinking whats he up to but you made him feel so bad that he chucked it away.
If you are going to be open and experimental with these things, you need to set up ground rules/safe words if that’s what’s going to make you feel more comfortable.
Everyone has different likes and dislikes and takes things differently. maby he wanted to practice. Have these thoughts even crossed you mind or did you jump strait to cheating?
I’ve gotta be honest that it seems like you are taking control of the whole thing, and although you may be the dom, it’s really only in the applied areas it should affect.
If he’s sorting himself out and he’s not with or talking to other girls useing these things whats the problem he’s has needs so do you maby maby he dosent want to pesture you for it all the time. I think you should ease off or better yet embrace it pick them togeather use it as part of the play but makeing him feel ashamed about being himself and wanting to explore a thing he likes to his own body is not ok